Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or anything relating to them, just borrowing them to satisfy my stupid brain. Any references to real life events; anything I may have read, seen or heard are completely unintentional and coincidental. I gain nothing from this other than to finally get this idea to stop repeating in my head. So please don't sue me or threaten to kill me. if this offends you in any way or it just plain sucks, I apologize that you've wasted several minutes of your life you'll never get back. Just pretend you never saw this, know for future reference to avoid it at all costs should you ever see the title again, and go on with your life. Any and all mistakes are mine. Also, any names, places or references are purely fictional!

A/N: Another huge thank you to mikkir, Kirky123, SJ-23, and GSRCSILVR25 for the very kind reviews!!! I'm still as sick as a dog and now being medicated...which adds to the dopiness and frustration....damn! I've also run into something new I hadn't experienced before while writing this...writers block! I don't know if it's because I'm not feeling well or what, but I had the hardest time thinking of what to write. I know how I want to end this and a couple side things along the way...but I found myself plain stuck. So I apologize if this chap sucks...I'm not 100% satisfied myself. I hope this goes away soon so I can complete this story the way I want without ruining it. Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well. Thanks again for the great reviews and for reading! take care!

As I stand in the hallway waiting for the nurse to finish with Sara I realize something. It's been over 4 months since Sara was shot! Despite my best efforts, I still haven't had a good sleep since then. I have taken a leave of absence from work so that I can be with Sara as much as I can and so that I can take care of her when she's discharged. The word is she should be discharged home next week, then have follow-up therapy sessions three times a week with SLP plus a home visit nurse twice a week. Nothing against the SLP we saw here, but Sara's going to be referred to a different person upon discharge.

She's actually improved miraculously. She's able to stand and walk for short periods of time, but it's best she does so supervised.

She has a follow-up in a few weeks to have some stitches removed, but they all say the wound is healing extremely well. The nurse will come in to do the dressing change on her chest until it's deemed healed and easy enough for us to do it ourselves.

The speech therapy is going well, she's not fighting it as much...or throwing objects at anyone...but she still doesn't have much speech back. It takes her a lot of time and energy to form the proper words, so normally she will use sign language. We have both learned a lot of sign language...plus a few other communication devices means we can communicate quite well together. They all can't get over how fast she learns new things...they don't know Sara, she's so smart and determined.

They say she may not ever be able to talk the way she used to, but I don't mind at all. I have my girl back, that's all that matters. Plus I personally think she's holding back...perhaps fear, embarrassment or frustration...I don't mind that she sounds slurred and stuttered.

The nurse Elizabeth from the ICU wants to meet us later in the hospital cafeteria for a bite and a chat. She still keeps in contact with Sara and checks up on her from time to time.

Elizabeth can't believe how well Sara is doing. She told me before privately that given the severity of her injuries she didn't expect Sara to make it, and if she did she thought Sara would be in a vegetative state. Talking with her reminds me how lucky and Blessed I am to have Sara and to appreciate every minute.

Having seen how well Sara is doing, Elizabeth thinks she will get more of her normal speech back. Although she is more worried about the depression; as am I. When we get home in a more comfortable environment I'm going to have to work with her.

I know I'm responsible for most of it anyway...I can see the way she looks at me...the hurt is still there.

My thoughts are interrupted by the nurse allowing me to come in the room as she finishes supervising Sara as she transfers herself from the bed to the wheelchair for our trip down to the cafeteria.

She's lost so much weight...it's so noticeable when she's standing. I'll have to work on that when we get home too. I'll buy a good vegetarian cookbook and feed her like a queen. When all else fails, there still is food.

The trip to the cafeteria is made in silence. I think we are both lost in our thoughts.

"Hello ladies! How are both of you doing? You both look great!" Elizabeth says while standing up to greet us.

"Hi Elizabeth, thank you! How's this place treating you?" I ask as we go through the polite question asking phase. Sara silently smiles and struggles to make eye contact with the familiar nurse.

After all minor polite questions have been asked, Elizabeth sighs then smiles over at Sara.

"Sara, you look amazing! You are one strong woman. As a nurse I can honestly say your recovery has been miraculous. I'm sure you've been told what happened and are probably sick of hearing it now but wow!" Elizabeth says while patting Sara's knee.

I'm surprised that Sara doesn't withdraw from the contact. She just sadly smiles.

"After everything you have already overcome, I'm sure you'll get more of your speech back dear. These things can just take a long, long time...but never give up hope Sara!" Elizabeth says smiling.

We continue our reminiscing and talking for a good half hour until Elizabeth's watch beeps indicating the end of her break. We say our goodbyes and promise to come visit after Sara is discharged.

Just as we got ready to leave Sara signs 'thank you' to Elizabeth before frowning in concentration.

"Ttthhhank yyyou." Sara says slowly slurred with a look of concentration and determination.

Tears prick Elizabeth's eyes and then mine in response as Sara holds out her hand for Elizabeth to grasp.

"It was an honor Sara. It's seeing love and determination like the both of you that keep me going after a tough shift. Thank you for renewing my faith in love conquering all." Elizabeth says grasping Sara's hand in a firm handshake.

After getting back to Sara's room and getting her changed and into bed I kiss her head and step out to make a few calls. I'm so proud of Sara, I'm so Blessed to have her in my life.

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I wonder if everyone would still be so loving and complimentary if they knew the truth.

I'm a stupid piece of shit...I brought this on myself thanks to my short comings.

Catherine is being so kind and understanding out of a misplaced sense of guilt. She feels bad for me almost dying...but that doesn't change the fact that before my being shot , the very sight of me caused her pain.

I moved back into my apartment because when she saw me, she saw the face of the woman that caused her daughter to die.

Now, because I couldn't even die right I'm stuck with brain damage and can't speak.

I wish I had just died! I don't care if I'm overreacting or pitying myself right now...I'm going to be selfish!

There is no justice in the world anyway! Todd caused so much pain to so many people and he's peacefully dead now!

Shit!...okay Sara calm down...that was your little frustrated rant...now get back to reality...

I sigh and run my hand over my face. I really don't know what I mean or don't mean at this point...I'm just tired. And to be honest, the prospect of going home scares me. It's bringing back old skeletons that have been pushed aside for too long.

Oh Lindsay, if you can hear me up there...I could really use a hand right now. I'm scared and frustrated...and just don't know what to do...

If anyone up there is listening...please help me!

A silent tear makes its way down my face and I angrily wipe it off.

I don't want Cath to see me like this...I'm too confused...I just can't take this anymore!

My self reflection and anger is interrupted by Cath coming back in the room.

I smile and give her a little nod.

I love her so much, I don't want to burden her with issues I don't even know how to handle.

Although, what do you think you're going to be to her when your discharged home soon Sidle....

SHIT!

I physically flinch at my own thoughts which seem to attract Catherine's attention.

I quickly flash her another fake smile to avoid any further probing.

Things are fixing to get a lot worse before they get any better I'm afraid.