Where do I start? First of all, my HUMBLEST apologies for the delay - your reviews are inspiring, encouraging, and amusing, and I still love this fanfic, so no worries! But, alas, school has been...
(sigh)
...Well, I'm behind half a quarter's work. Enough said.
Hopefully the length of this entry will make up (at least in part) for the long wait. As promised, Tony and Bruce feature heavily in this entry...
Enjoy!
Entry #29: Manhattan [or, "Just A Rather Very Intelligent System"]
"Sir, did not Miss Romanoff advise you to keep explosions to a minimum of zero?"
"Don't be a wet blanket, Jarvis. We're not actually going to cause a real explosion. We're just going to trigger a form of incomplete combustion using everyday, ordinary household items. This is our miniaturized thermal power plant. It won't come anywhere near to going over the legal emission standard for New York."
"Very well, Sir. But remember, you are under strict orders not to wake the host."
"Oh, Clint?" Tony gestured toward the door with a pair of tongs he had borrowed from the kitchen. "He's snoring like a freight train. We could probably blow up his entire office and he wouldn't hear a thing. He'll be fine."
"I would also like to report that Loki is rifling through Clint's pantry. He has already confiscated two bottles of Dr. Pepper."
"Eh, leave him alone. What could he possibly do with some Dr. Pepper?"
"*Might I remind you of your last accident at Stark Tower, Sir? You managed to destroy an entire laboratory with only a package of M&M's—"
Tony cleared his throat. "Jarvis…"
"My apologies, Sir."
Loki, having hidden the Dr. Pepper under His Couch for the time being, was now making tracks for the garage, rather reluctantly concerned for his brother-who-was-not-his-brother.
Before he could touch the handle of the door, however, a loud voice resonated throughout the room: "I'm afraid you do not have access to that part of Clint's residence."
Loki jumped, and then glanced around nervously, looking for the source of the voice. "Show yourself, fiend!" he demanded, sidling toward his skillet (which was tucked between the pillows of the couch).
Silence was his only answer. Skillet safely in hand, Loki skulked around the living room, looking for anything out of the ordinary. The only thing he saw was that stupid cat sitting on a chair in one corner, preening itself.
The voice suddenly returned. "I am JARVIS."
Loki couldn't help jumping again. Then he remembered Natasha's vague ramblings about some invisible mortal who kept watch in Clint's house. Until now, he had considered it an idle threat.
By this time Loki was thoroughly annoyed and (had he been willing to admit this) a little afraid. "Do you mean to harm me?" He hefted his skillet and waited for a response.
"I have been instructed to keep you out of trouble."
Loki growled, annoyed with this vague reply. "By whom?"
"Mister Stark."
Still clutching the skillet, Loki warily advanced toward the door to the garage once again. Of course. The Man of Iron. Well, just let this "Jarvis" try to stop the great god of mischief from doing what he pleased! Thor had left the door unlocked when he had disappeared into the garage, so Loki knew he would have no difficulty in following him.
He gripped the handle firmly and tried to turn it, but before he could, there was a solid click and something jammed in the lock. "I did warn you," scolded Jarvis. "You are not allowed in there."
Loki wrenched the handle, but it simply wouldn't budge.
Irked, he mumbled, "You may tell Stark that his interference is not welcome."
"I believe he is already aware of this. Telling him so will not grant you access to the garage."
Loki glared at the door. Scuffling sounds and various clinks and clanks came from behind it, and he wondered exactly what was so fascinating as to keep his adoptive brother in Clint's garage for more than half an hour.
Then there was a muffled but extremely loud buzz, somewhat reminiscent of an electric drill, and Loki finally threw aside all façade of decorum. "THOR!" he shouted, yanking on the handle. "THOR! OPEN THIS DOOR IMMEDIATELY!"
The buzzing ceased, and loud footsteps clomped toward the door. Then Thor's booming voice reached Loki's ears. "IS THAT YOU, MY BROTHER?"
Loki gritted his teeth. "Thor, what are you doing?"
"INVESTIGATING THE MARVELS OF MIDGARD! YOU MUST SEE THIS MAGNIFICENT WEAPONS ARSENAL FOR YOURSELF, BROTHER! I AM PARTICULARILY FOND OF THE LITTLE REVOLVING SPEAR—ALTHOUGH IT IS FAR TOO SHORT FOR ME. IT MUST HAVE BEEN MADE FOR A DWARF."
Rolling his eyes, Loki tugged on the handle again. "Thor, could you just let me in?"
There was some rattling from the other side of the door, and then a short pause. "IT APPEARS THAT THIS DOOR IS LOCKED."
Loki glared at where he thought Thor's head might be on the other side of the door. "Yes, it is locked. That is why you must un-lock it so that I may come in and see the… marvels of Midgard."
There was more rattling and a disgruntled sigh from Thor. "I CANNOT UNLOCK THE DOOR."
"How did you unlock it when you got into the garage?" Loki asked, irritated.
"LOKI, I ASSURE YOU, THIS DOOR IS QUITE IMMOBILE. HOWEVER, I COULD OPEN IT WITH THE HELP OF MJOLNIR!"
Loki's large green eyes widened at the suddenly gleeful tone in Thor's voice, and he took several hasty steps backwards. "No, no, I think that's a bit extreme…."
"A MERE DOOR SHALL NOT STAND BETWEEN US, BROTHER!"
"That's… er, very heroic of you, but please don't—"
"STAND BACK!"
Meanwhile in Clint's office, Tony had a small lump of something or other pinched between the tongs, and was slowly lifting it from one of Clint's prized teacups into what looked like a jar of seltzer water.
Bruce peered over his shoulder, looking slightly nervous. "Tony, I'm beginning to question the honesty of your words when you said you could handle this."
Tony sighed. "Dr. Banner, I know what I'm doing here."
"I've heard that before, Sir."
"Jarvis, please keep your two cents to yourself," mumbled Tony.
"Yes, Sir. But Miss Romanoff—"
"—is not here," Tony finished. "And what she doesn't know won't hurt her. You are sworn to silence concerning anything that happens in Clint's office. Repeat after me. 'I, Jarvis, do solemnly swear…'"
"Tony," Bruce interrupted, one hand cupped around the jar of seltzer-like substance. "Just hurry up."
"Right."
Tony dumped the little sphere into the liquid, screwed the lid on, and then stood back, watching it carefully. The only reaction seemed to be a strange blue fizz that bubbled up to the top of the jar and pressed ominously against the lid.
Tony looked unsurprised, but still slightly disappointed. "Well, according to my theory, there should be quite a bit of fizzing, but no bangs or booms. The real trick is finding out whether the combination actually created nitro—"
Before Tony could finish his sentence, there was a loud pop, and the lid flew off the jar and smacked the ceiling. Foam poured rapidly onto the plate, and then spilled over onto Clint's desk. Blue smoke began rising from the bubbly mess.
Both men took a giant step back as the foam began to drip onto the carpeted floor.
"Sir, Thor is about to demolish the door to the garage. I suggest immediate intervention."
Tony either did not hear Jarvis's warning, or didn't really care at the moment. He stared, wide-eyed, at the frothing, smoking, bubbly goo, and then glanced back at the jar, which was… glowing?
Before Tony could open his mouth to say something to Bruce, there was an enormous BOOM, and the entire room was instantly covered in fizz and black smoke.
"Aaaaahhh!" Bruce and Tony both stumbled toward the door, fumbling for the handle. When they finally got it open, they collapsed in the hallway outside, blue bubbles clinging to their clothes and hair. Bruce was the first one up, and slammed the office door shut behind them.
A trickle of smoke leaked out from under the door, but the hissing sounds eventually died down.
Tony and Bruce just stood there for several seconds, both of them panting heavily, and one of them turning slightly green.
Then the door to Clint's bedroom creaked inward.
Glancing down the hallway, Tony froze for a moment, and then sidled up to the door to Clint's office, frantically brushing bubbles off of his T-shirt. "Act casual!" he hissed.
Within moments, Clint appeared, dressed in his rumpled pajamas and still holding his teddy bear. He blinked sleepily at the two of them, and then said slowly, "Did you hear something?"
Tony gave the teddy bear a dubious sideways glance, and then said, "I was chewing gum and blew a really big bubble, and it popped. Go back to bed: we've got it covered."
"Oh, okay." Clint's eyes had a very strange, glazed look to them, and Tony wondered for a moment whether he was really all there. "I have to put the kettle on, though… for tea…"
Widening his eyes, Tony cleared his throat and elbowed Bruce.
"That's okay, I'll do it," Bruce supplied, stepping forward and putting a hand on Clint's shoulder. "You need sleep. I mean, really, you need to go back to bed."
"Haven't … completed my… mission yet…"
"Your mission?" asked Tony doubtfully.
Clint nodded, looking past Tony at the wall. "Must complete… the mission… find Loki… put an arrow… through his eye socket…."
"Your mission," Tony corrected, steering him toward his bedroom, "is to get some sleep."
Clint paused, as if thinking this over, and then yawned, letting the teddy bear dangle from one hand. "What would I do… without you… Nat?"
Tony made a horrified face and slowly backed away. "Probably die. Goodnight."
"G'night."
Clint stumbled back into his bedroom, and Tony shut the door after him.
Bruce shoved his hands in his pockets and blinked at Tony. "I'd say we lucked out. That man was sleepwalking, or I'm an accountant."
At that moment, Jarvis spoke again: "Sir, your intervention is required in the garage as soon as possible."
Tony opened his mouth to respond, but was interrupted by a huge KA-BOOM that sounded something like thunder, and then a tremendous crash. "Oh no…"
As always, review for an update!
This time I promise to respond within the week. ;)
~Alassiel
