Weeks later, Jo was sitting on the couch, her hands clutching an ice cold beer while she was watching reruns of Dexter when her phone started vibrating on the coffee table. She sighed before pulling herself up from the lazy position she was in and grabbing for her phone. She looked down at the smiling blonde in the caller's picture in surprise.
"Hey there," Jo greeted Meredith. "What's up?"
"Jo, hey. I'm sorry to call you this late," Meredith greeted her back.
"It's fine. I wasn't sleeping," she countered.
"Oh, good," Mer replied.
"Have you finished the board meeting yet?" Jo asked interestedly, trying to find out if Alex was going to come home anytime soon.
"Yeah, yeah, we have. Alex hasn't gotten home?"
"No, actually, he's still out," Jo pondered, disappointment lacing her voice.
"He left right away, though, he should be there in a minute or two," Meredith informed her.
"Good," Jo gladdened. "So, what's up?"
"Um… well, so, Thanksgiving is coming up… and we were wondering what your plans were for the holidays?"
Jo searched for the remote to turn down the volume before answering hesitantly. "I have no idea, actually, I mean I haven't given it any thought," she said earnestly.
"Yeah, I thought so," Meredith replied. "The thing is, the last few years you have insisted on having Thanksgiving at your house – much to Alex's dislike I might add – and I was wondering if you had planned on inviting again or if it would be okay for you to do it at our house instead this year," Meredith asked shyly. "I mean, it's totally fine if you wanna keep doing it over at your place I just thought it might be a little uncomfortable for you with all that's going on and well…. Since you don't cook anyways and people have to cook at your house annually, I thought we might as well transfer it to our house this year," Meredith chuckled. Meanwhile, Jo had raised her eyebrows in amusement.
"I make you guys cook Thanksgiving dinner at our house?" she snickered. Meredith joined in. "Why?"
"Well, you've kinda been celebrating the fact that you have a 'family' now… I mean, even before the kids were born, so… you insisted on doing something family-like at your house every now and again. So, since Derek and I always get Christmas – due to the fact that it's Derek's most favorite holiday out of the year – you put your hands on Thanksgiving. And made other people cook for you," she laughed.
"That sounds really embarrassing," Jo said sheepishly, still grinning.
"No, we always had a blast. Alex hates you for it, though, I mean we all know he knows how to cook he just doesn't like to do it for… a whole party of people," Meredith enclosed. Jo laughed thinking about it. "And he told me to ask your permission since he'd gladly give it away at least for this year with all that's going on anyways but he wasn't going to have you being furious with him for handing the party off to us…"
"No," Jo replied laughing, looking at the door which had just opened and closed. "It's fine, I wouldn't be able to handle it anyways. It's only four more days, right?" She smiled at Alex who had just walked in but he didn't reciprocate much and went straight upstairs without showing much interest in her phone conversation.
"Good," Meredith concluded. "Well, then I'll await you Thursday 5 p.m. sharp if that's okay with you," the older one dictated.
"No, that sounds great. Thanks for having us, anyways," Jo said gratefully.
"Of course. We are family, remember?" Meredith replied good-naturedly.
"So, what was the board meeting about?" Jo changed the topic to what she actually had been keen on hearing. Alex avoiding her when coming home sure wasn't a great sign of a successful day.
"You mostly, to be honest," Meredith coughed up.
"What? Why? Is that supposed to scare me?" Jo asked a little insecurely but still joking.
"Nah. We just talked about your comeback, oh, and by the way, Elliott…," Meredith started, but Jo interrupted her quickly when the doorbell rang and she sighed heavily.
"I should really put up a sign saying No ringing the bell after bedtime," Jo groaned. "Sorry, Meredith, can I call you back?" She got up from the couch and walked over to the front door swiftly, to keep the unannounced visitors from ringing again.
"Yeah, sure, and anyways, Alex can fill you in about the rest of it," Meredith told her understandingly while Jo was switching on the porch light to see who was their late guest.
"Alright, I'll talk to you later, okay?" Jo said, frowning for not knowing the person that was standing on the other side of the glass door and hanging up the phone.
She quickly tucked her phone away and opened the door.
"Dr. Wilson," the blonde woman on her front porch exclaimed in what Jo could only define as – what was it? – embarrassment? Or…nervousness? Jo smiled politely.
"Can I help you?" she asked, a little insecure about who the lady was and what the hell she was doing at their house this late.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I heard about your accident, I just…," the strange woman rambled, Jo still looking at her in confusion. "Alright, let me start over, I'm rambling," she chuckled helplessly. The woman stuck out her hand towards Jo. "My name's Dr. Lucy Fields, I work with your husband on the Malawi project," the blonde woman informed her, Jo shaking her hand politely, nodding questioningly. "I'm so sorry to interrupt your evening at such an hour but I just flew in from Africa and I missed Alex at the hospital by a moment, I saw him pull out of the parking lot when my taxi drove me there, so I just made the driver follow him. He wouldn't pick up, so I'm sorry if this comes as a surprise for you," Dr. Fields explained hastily. Jo scrutinized her.
"Well, now that you are here, why don't you come on in?" Jo decided, holding the door for the guest. The woman smiled at her thankfully and took a few steps before standing in the hallway, hovering, looking around for Alex. "Alex is taking a shower at the moment," Jo informed the newcomer, having heard the running water when she was still talking on the phone. She ushered Dr. Fields into the living room and made her sit down. "Do you want a drink while you're waiting?"
"No, really, that's okay, I just need to talk something over with Alex that really can't wait. When I got off the plane I got in the latest numbers and as I said, I tried calling him but he wouldn't pick up and those numbers really can't be ignored until the morning," Dr. Fields explained.
"He won't be long," Jo told her, a little uncomfortable about the fidgety guest. There was an awkward pause in conversation when both of them were grasping for something to talk about. Jo was having a hard time since she had never met the doctor before – at least in her time reckoning – and the other woman seemed to be so uncomfortable around Jo, she didn't feel at all like with all the other people she had met since the accident who acted all warm and friendly towards her.
"So, where are you from in Africa?" Jo asked after a little while, trying to small talk.
"Oh, I'm not from Africa. I'm from here, actually," Lucy said, sheepishly. "I actually did my maternal-female medicine residency at Seattle Grace before I went to work in Malawi," she informed her further. "I'm an OB/GYN."
Jo nodded appreciatively, interested in her story. "So you guys knew each other from Seattle? I never met you in my intern year, though, right?" Jo asked, a little confused, startling when Alex walked in behind her.
"That's because she walked off and took my job at Namboze clinic in Malawi before you were even in med school," he replied in a snarky voice, substituting for Lucy who was rolling her eyes at him. "What are you doing here?"
"It's good to see you, too, Alex," Lucy replied, getting up and walking a couple of steps towards him. He just looked at her with angry eyes without saying anything else. Jo watched the scene in confusion.
"If you had picked up your phone at least once the last 62 times I called you, I wouldn't have had to chase you down to your house in the middle of the night," she pointed out exasperatedly.
"What the hell is it that can't wait until our meeting tomorrow freaking morning?" Alex just spit out. He looked exhausted. And annoyed.
"I got last week's progress report when I got off the plane and you should really look it over," Lucy stated convincingly. Alex sighed, frowning. After a second of pondering, he glanced at Jo who just watched their exchange and then looked back at Lucy.
"Alright, but let's make it quick, I'm tired. Let's go in the kitchen," he ordered, already walking towards it. Lucy gave Jo one more apologetic smile before following him. Jo was puzzled. What a weird exchange. She tried to make out what the soft talking was about but couldn't get the gist of it. She sat back down on the couch, watching some more TV. An hour later, it was already 10.34 p.m., she decided to go see if they had made any progress. She strolled over to the kitchen lazily and entered cautiously.
Alex was poring over a file the fellow doctor had surely given to him while said one was talking frantically and seemingly trying to convince Alex of something. They both looked up when Jo came in and Lucy smiled at her apprehensively.
"Dr. Wilson, I'm so, so sorry about still bugging you at this time of night," Lucy started again, glancing at her sheepishly. Jo waved her comment away and smiled, walking closer.
"Don't fret, I'm in the same business as you probably know, I know how it works. Some things just can't wait. But please stop calling me Dr. Wilson, it sounds stupid under my own roof," Jo chuckled, looking at Lucy amicably. The other one blushed slightly and nodded.
"Has Alex still not gotten you anything to drink? Can I get something for you?" Jo asked her, walking over towards the fridge.
"She's about to leave anyways," Alex chimed up, his eyes still scrutinizing the papers in his hands. Lucy and Jo both hiked their eyebrows. "There isn't anything we can do about it, right now, Luc… I mean I'm not going back into work tonight and Nkumbwa is fast asleep right now as well. We'll discuss it tomorrow morning at the meeting…," he looked up at her, quizzically. "Or is there anything you thought of that we could do right now?"
Lucy sighed deeply. "I thought with all your spiritedness you would think of something. But no, I'm pretty much done with ideas, too. I mean, we can't take up another close to 100 patients. As long as the Malawian government isn't supporting this, there's no chance we will collect any more money. And we have hit our limits with the pro bono cases," she trailed off.
Jo listened to them pondering, walking closer to stand next to Alex, and putting her hand on his shoulder. "What's the problem?" she asked, carefully, having been watching Alex's mood intently and knowing he wasn't about to fill her in gladly. He sighed, ignoring her. Lucy looked over at Jo's face, ruminating.
"We've been having problems with the Malawian government. The whole initiative was actually negotiated via the U.S. consulate in Malawi and we only ever talked to the ambassadors. It's stupid complicated. They elected a new president in 2019 and he is a conservative, pretty prejudiced about Western countries like the U.S. We've been trying to deal with him, Dr. Nkumbwa and our Malawian attorney have been doing major communication but he's still… he's trouble. With his election campaign he has been trying to redefine health care services in his country which is awesome but he sees us as the enemy whereas we're just trying to treat the health issues at hand. I don't know how much you know about Malawian health issues but there's a lot of serious diseases plaguing the country and it doesn't help if the president keeps telling us to shut our premises. The infant mortality rates are rising and so are the HIV and malaria rates. It's not easy to get accepted into Malawian health care, so our project is a huge relief for a lot of people… it really is a lot of messy politics we have run ourselves into… and you don't wanna be involved with another country's politics… but you must know about that one pretty well with your efforts in Syria – congratulations by the way for being published in the International Journal of Surgery," Lucy explained, ending her speech with the compliment. Jo smiled at her appreciatively.
"It really does sound like there's nothing you can do much at this hour," Jo responded sympathetically, squeezing Alex's shoulder who hadn't said a word since his suggestion for Lucy to leave. She rubbed his back softly, trying to catch his eyes.
"Don't worry, you'll find a way, you always do, right?" she looked at him with a small smile, seeing the worry in his eyes. He sighed again, leaning back against the backrest. Lucy gave her a small smile before gathering her things. She was just about to get up when Alex finally voiced his thoughts.
"Did you read the protocol of their last talk?" Alex asked her straightly, Lucy seemingly knowing what or who he was talking about. She nodded. He brought up his hands and rubbed his face exhaustedly.
"It's bad, I know," Lucy agreed with his movements. "That's why they sent me here to make us think of something together," she said.
"How long have they been cooking this up?" he asked her, putting his arms down on the kitchen island.
"About two or three weeks I think," she replied, trying to think of a certain date. "They met on the 5th of November. Yeah, that sounds right. Like, literally a day after you went off on your leave," she continued, weirdly, chuckling. "Haven't I told you before that this whole project doesn't work without you? Every time you take a leave or a vacation or even a day off, things spiral out of control," Lucy laughed, Alex still looking at her stoically. Jo smiled and looked over at her husband's face. He was exhausted, she could tell.
"I actually don't think telling him that makes it any better, he will conclude to the fact that this is all his fault," Jo whispered jokingly, knowing that's exactly what he was thinking, trying to defuse the situation. She leaned onto his side, kissing his cheek. "But you will do that, anyways, right?"
Alex looked up at Jo's face, studying it, not showing a reaction.
"Alright, guys, sorry again for barging in like that," Lucy said, getting up from her chair. "I'll see you tomorrow morning, Alex," she continued, walking towards the door. He nodded, still not having said or shown anything on his face. Jo smiled at the doctor and accompanied her towards the front door.
"It's really good to see you up," Lucy turned around to say her good-byes. "I was so sorry to hear about your accident," she said. "I mean we don't really socialize much, you know. Still, I saw how Alex suffered with you being hurt and all," she said, earnestly, smiling a little embarrassed. Jo mirrored her face.
"Thank you, Lucy," she countered, opening the door. "But it's going to be okay. He'll be fine and he'll be taking care of whatever you guys need taken care of, I'm sure of it. It's been a really hard time but we're moving forwards," she concluded, bidding the other woman good night and closing the door behind her, taking a deep breath. When she turned around, Alex was walking towards her or rather towards the living room since when she started to approach him, he turned away. Jo was sad to see Alex that exhausted and turned towards the living room to join Alex on the couch. He had turned the TV back on and took a sip of the beer Jo had left there a while before. She sat down next do him and pulled her legs up, leaning against Alex's broad frame. She gave him a few minutes before trying to make some light conversation.
"How was your day?"
Alex just grunted, his eyes fixed on the screen. She smiled at him lazily before putting her hand on his chest and starting to play with his collar.
"I hear a board meeting was held in my honor," she whispered good-naturedly. Alex glanced at her swiftly before taking another sip.
"Who are you talking to now?"
"Meredith called me earlier about Thanksgiving and she mentioned something," Jo explained. He nodded slowly turning his eyes back to Dexter Morgan who had just injected someone with some kind of tranquilizer on screen. "So, what was it about?" Alex took his time before sighing again.
"Can we just… not talk about it right now, I need to rest my brain cells," he replied in an exhausted voice.
"Okay," Jo looked over at him in concern. "Are you alright, though? You seem pretty knocked out," she observed his profile, still running her fingers down his torso.
"I am," he just nodded, not taking his eyes off the serial killer. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes but Jo really couldn't help herself.
"You sure you don't wanna talk about it? It might help to get it out," she suggested, not ready to let it slide.
"Jo, I'm tired, please, just give me some quiet," he told her a little too defensively making her look up at him in astonishment.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bug you, I'm just being considerate of your state of mind," she told him, intentionally making herself sound like a know-it-all. He looked over at her quickly, pretty annoyed. She grinned at him, before chuckling. "Oh, come on," she nudged him, trying to lighten the mood.
"Please, Jo, just go to bed, I need some peace," he told her unceremoniously, making her wince for not expecting his mood to be that bad. She thought going a little over the top would make him laugh with her. Wrong.
"Did you actually just order me to go to bed?"
"I didn't order," he pointed out weakly.
"Yeah, you did," she countered crossly. "I'm trying to practice some empathy over here, if you believe it or not," she sounded offended.
"Well, don't," he suggested, sounding pretty rude by now.
"You know, I wouldn't talk to me like that, I'm pretty much the only one who puts up with you when you're being a grumpy like right now," she adjusted him teasingly.
"I didn't ask you to. Just go, please," he told her again, still not seeming to be interested in their talk at all. Slowly but surely, Jo felt how his rejection hurt and she pulled back a little.
"Are you mad about something? Did I do or say something?"
"Yes, you are annoying me right this moment," he countered aggressively. Jo looked at him in wonder and gulped. It wasn't the exhaustion that made him lash out, right? Something was up, right? He had been awfully quiet today. not even texting much. Something must have happened at work.
"What was that board meeting about, Alex?"
"I told you to please leave me alone for the night," he said again, impassively.
"Alex, look at me, I think I have the right to know what you guys talked about if I was the obvious topic. And you reacting all aggressive only makes my point stronger," she argued.
"I'll tell you tomorrow, it's nothing big, I just really don't wanna talk about it right now," he said, looking at her with angry eyes. They sat in silence, Jo snuggling deeper into his side, trying to figure out what was going on. She hated miserable Alex. It made her miserable, too.
"Do you wanna talk about what Dr. Fields informed you about?"
"No," he said, exasperatedly.
"You know, you can't fix everything and everyone at once. Just because you were on leave trying to fix me doesn't mean it's your fault that things got complicated at your clinic in Malawi. And also, especially with politics, this is so not your fault…," she told him matter-of-factly.
"I know that," he just said. "But I didn't ask your opinion on it, thank you very much."
"Ouch," Jo stated, making him look at her.
"I told you, I'm gonna take care of it. Tomorrow. Now, please, just mind your own business."
"Okay, so do you wanna tell me why your colleague acted super awkward around me?" Jo asked him in a sharp voice, technically having decided a couple of hours ago she was going to let that one go but now that they were half-fighting, she couldn't resist. Alex closed his eyes, sighing, and shook his head.
"You are giving me a headache," he pointed out.
"Can you please just tell me what's wrong?"
"Nothing is wrong, Jo. I just had a really hard day at work and I just really wanna drink my beer and watch some mindless TV," he hissed at her.
"My beer," Jo replied quietly, for a lack of a better response. She startled when Alex groaned loudly and got up in one swift move, placing the beer bottle back on the coffee table noisily and walking towards the front door.
"You know what, I'm gonna go out and have my own beer, then, if you can't seem to be able to shut up for a minute," he yelled at her in a mean tone. Jo was so surprised about the reaction she was paralyzed for a second, not knowing what to say.
"What the hell, Alex? Stay, come on," she said, quickly rushing after him once she unfroze. He had just put on his jacket and opened the front door. "Alex," she said again, trying to get a hold of his hand but he shook her off immediately. He turned around to stare at her eyes madly.
"No," he spit out furiously. "I told you: I don't wanna talk about it, I don't wanna recount my day, I don't wanna discuss my problems with you, I don't wanna freaking tell you fairy tales about our lives together, I DON'T WANT TO RIGHT NOW," he yelled at a wide-eyed Jo, whose eyes seemed glazed over with tears.
"Alex, come on, let's talk about it," she tried to calm him, immediately realizing how stupid that suggestion was in light of him not wanting to talk. She closed her eyes, feeling stupidity creep over her.
"NO, Jo, I don't wanna talk about it. Right now, I just want you to leave me the hell alone," he hissed, having realized that he couldn't yell around like that with the babies sleeping upstairs. "I told you two minutes ago, please leave it alone for the night. But since you can't seem to listen or consider the fact that for once I am so sick and tired of talking everything out with you and being all mushy and comforting and trying to ease you back into your life, I am going out. Good night," he turned around, storming off to his car. Jo stood at the open door for another while, not realizing what had just happened. She heard how Alex had started the engine and drove off, probably to some bar, probably to get wasted. She closed her eyes in exhaustion and sighed. Fuck. Why couldn't she have just shut up?
After a couple more minutes she closed the door behind her and slid down to the floor, putting her face into her hands. Oh, Jo, you stupid, stupid girl. He told you he didn't wanna talk. Why couldn't you just have given him some slack? She sat quietly, trying to make out if the twins had woken from their fighting but concluded that the silence meant they hadn't.
Alex was driving through Seattle's dark streets aggressively. His mood was way down the toilet. He had had a horrible day, starting with a kid patient dying on the table. As if that wasn't enough - because seriously, kids dying still was one of the worst things he wasn't capable of digesting - his day had gone on with a very unsuccessful conference call about the on goings with the Malawian ambassadors and president, Dr. Nkumbwa informing him about Lucy Fields sitting on a plane to come to the states due to the fact that he had been reclining their offers for him to fly out to Malawi since the last thing that he was able to do at the moment was leave his family alone, trying to think of a treatment plan for a little girl that was scheduled to be flown over right after Thanksgiving, two surgeries being postponed because of the flu going around the hospital and the spiking fevers of his patients, an intern on his service that definitely was done learning from Alex's hands having to be told off how stupid he was and then the contents of the incessant board meeting. Lucy coming to his house with more bad news and Jo being the person she was at the moment were just the tip of the iceberg. He was exhausted. And annoyed. He could feel his insides boiling. And the guilt. He hadn't wanted to yell at Jo. She was the last person he had wanted to offend. She was just trying to help. But she had overstayed her welcome at his side for the night. He had clearly told her he had had enough for the day. But then again, she was probably right; she was the only person putting up with his crap. He killed the engine when he had pulled into the parking lot of the hospital and punched the steering wheel hard, grunting in frustration.
Alex sat in his car for a while, pondering what he was going to do. After deciding that going back home to talk it out with Jo wasn't an option, he got out of the car and walked towards Joe's. He yanked open the door and hissed some ugly words at some giggling interns that had run into him. He threw himself at the bar, motioning for Joe to pour him a drink. He took two hard gulps and let the burning liquor drown his sorrows. He repeated the movement and Joe complied.
"Karev," a low voice from around the corner of the bar greeted him. He turned his face and looked at Hunt. Alex only grunted in recognition and turned back to his drink, sipping at it angrily.
"Everything alright?" the chief of surgery asked, observing Alex closely. Alex nodded into his drink.
"Having a bad night as well?" Hunt kept talking, not getting the drift of Alex actually wanting to wallow by himself. Alex nodded, silence engulfing them for a couple of moments.
"What's wrong with you, then?" Alex grunted dismissively, taking another sip.
"My wife has been intent to find out about my ex-wife," Hunt pointed out, sounding drunk himself. "It was just too good to be true, I guess, her never asking much about my love life before I met her, silently tolerating my need to keep my past in the past," he elaborated his misery. Alex looked at him in disdain, not because of the content of what he was saying but the fact that he was talking at all. He sighed.
"Have you been in touch with Cristina lately, or what?" he asked, grumpily.
"No," Hunt chuckled. "Cristina wouldn't for the life of her talk to me," he said. "She's all about clean slates," he slurred, faking a cheerful voice with the last two words.
"How come your wife asks about her, then?"
"How should I know?" Hunt replied dismissively himself, taking a long gulp from his Whiskey. "She's all… why have you never told me about her… why won't you… I mean it has been a long time… you should be able to talk about it with me," he imitated a woman's voice crudely. Alex raised his eyebrows at his boss.
"Women," he just said, knowing this was nothing like his situation at home but still being cross about not knowing how to fix his mess. "They always wanna talk it out," he said, drinking up. Hunt grunted in agreement and motioned for Joe to refill both of their glasses. They sat in silence for another while, both pondering over their respective miseries before Hunt got up eventually and lurched towards the entrance. Alex sat by himself for another while, looking at the swirling drink in his glass, watching how the dark liquid danced around and glimmered while he was moving the glass in circles, pondering about what was really bugging him.
He was exhausted. Their lives couldn't have gone better right before the accident. Well, that was probably it. They always managed to somehow go from perfect to who wants these freaking stupid lives. Karma. Alex groaned at his own words in his head.
This was stupid. He was so sick of telling Jo and telling other people and most of all telling himself that they were going to be fine. He knew they were going to be fine, he just really needed a time out. Everything was so messy and annoying. It was exhausting to think for two people all the time. Four, to be honest. It was exhausting to try to not upset his wife with whatever he was saying or telling, it was exhausting to hope for her to get better, it was exhausting to try to make her believe in herself again, make her want to go to work again, make her like her life again. It was exhausting watching her at it. It was exhausting doing all kinds of other stuff while exhausting himself doing all that stuff at home. It was just exhausting. He loved Jo. He loved Jo more than anything else in the entire world, she was his everything. But he was hitting bottom. He couldn't do it anymore. He was sick and tired of telling her about their lives. He just needed her to remember. He was tired of being the loving and supportive husband, who was always sweet and who was trying so hard.
It was what made their relationship from the start: It was so easy. It was easy talking to her, it was easy fighting with her, it was easy living with her, it was easy. Loving each other was easy. Making a family was easy. Everything was easy. And now everything was complicated. Everything was exhausting. He couldn't do it anymore. The thing that made his life easy, his job easy, having kids easy, multi-tasking easy was that they had each other. They had each other to lean on, to cry to, to discuss things, to support, they had each other.
And as much as she was trying, he needed his old Jo back. He needed his wife back. His Jo who didn't care when he was in a bad mood. Who grunted back at him when he was being his grumpy self. Who was fighting back when he was being ridiculous. Who told him off for being like that. But then being the one who would always without fail lie in bed next to him and hold him when he needed her, kiss him, sleep with him, be there for him unconditionally throughout everything. Laugh about his stupid jokes. Enjoy their late night talks because sometimes that was all they could get. Holding on tightly to every possible moment together.
He needed her to be like that again. He needed her to gain self-confidence, he needed her to thrive again, thrive being who she was. A kick-ass trauma-surgeon, a perfect mom, a considerate friend, a passionate lover, a thoughtful partner, a wonderful wife. He needed her to go back to who she was. He still wasn't sure if there was anything he could do or change in how he was behaving for her to go back to who she was more easily. Maybe she had changed though. Maybe she was a different person now. Well, he could see the person she was before inside of her. He could make her out while they were talking or watching her when she wasn't realizing he did, he could. But she still was… trying too hard to be something she never was. But how should she know, right? Ugh, exhausting.
I just wanna go home and touch her. Sleep with her. He missed her body, he missed her touches, he missed her kisses on his naked skin, he missed her soft hands doing stuff that he didn't even wanna think about while not wanting to get excited. He wanted her so much, he was going to explode sooner or later. But at the same time he still couldn't do it. She wasn't his wife anymore. Not like that. She needed to get better first. But was there a better in their equation? Was she going to get better from now on? Or had they reached their limits? Was it going to be like this for the rest of their lives? He just wanted to know.
He was exhausted of hoping she would remember every freaking morning when he either woke up to her looking at him or waiting for her call when she got up in the morning, him being at work. He was tired of changing from hope to settling, settling to what they had now. Settling with the fact that she would never remember how they had fallen in love, how they had slept together for the first time, how painful but at the same time exhilarating their first few weeks of really getting to know each other were. If she never remembered, she was missing out on so many things. She would be missing out on how much they had grown. How much they had worked on their relationship. She would miss out on their way to marriage, on how excited they were for being pregnant, on the first few moments they had had with their kids.
No telling stories or recounting the days was going to make up for that. He was grieving for her. His insides were hurting for his wife's loss. And then he was grieving for the fact that he didn't seem to be able to help her. He was too weak. He was too emotional. He needed to find a way to cope with the situation just as Jo seemed to be coping so well. He needed to accept that maybe, just maybe, this was all he was going to get. But it was exhausting him to not know. If he knew there was a chance of Jo getting back to her memories, he would fight. If he knew this was the way it was going to be from now on, he would start making new memories. He felt like he would truly be okay with either. He just needed to know which one it was going to be. He would be okay with having her at his side trying to give her everything she needed for her to be comfortable with their lives. But not knowing made him weak and exhausted and it drove him crazy. It exhausted him that one moment, they were lying in bed and laughing and teasing and she would have her glinting eyes and tell him how corny he was and the next moment she was this insecure, self-conscious, clingy version of her… that he just… it wasn't her. Alex loved Jo's soft side. He did. But that wasn't what she had succumbed to. The side he now got to see a lot was desperate Jo. Desperate Jo for not believing in herself. And he couldn't do it anymore. If she didn't believe in herself anymore he couldn't make her either.
Fuck this stupid shit.
