Lacunar

29. Thunder

When Jenks had asked Edward if he recovered any additional flashbacks, Edward was temporarily stunned by the overwhelming emotions he felt. He'd mumbled an evasive reply before leaving the hospital in a sullen mood.

Having read the journal that he shared with Bella, he realized he had gained a new perspective. Even though the memories in his head were hardly reliable, Edward knew he could finally see things from Bella's point of view. He felt like he always did; he just couldn't believe it until it was right in front of him.

She had been suffering miserably whilst he brushed off every attempt for help she'd made.

Edward wished he could view a video recording of his past self. Had he really been as heartless as Bella made him out to be?

From the first moment when Edward laid eyes on Bella, he knew she was the one. Many people around him perceived it to be an amusing joke, especially one made up by a naive teenager. But as the years went on, they were more in love than ever.

They preferred to spend quality time together, instead of getting wasted on their free Saturdays.

They knew how to make each other laugh, turn each other on and love each other until both of them were breathless romantics under the bed sheets.

Edward yawned, feeling a drowsiness wash over him. He was intoxicated by an abundance of emotions to individually name. He grew fretful as he thought about the black hole in his head, sucking away his previous nightmares. It was in that split nanosecond of being wide awake and terribly tired that Edward realized he'd never wanted a perfect relationship.

He didn't want his mind to hide itself behind a curtain of false happiness.

He didn't want to be scared anymore. He wanted to face the mistakes that he'd made. He wanted his old life back, no matter how imperfect it was.

Because it contained the one person he loved.

There was a part of him that always trusted her- that always believed what she said about only loving him. He didn't know if it was simply wishful thinking or a display of his intuition.

But he was aware that emotions and instincts were a complicated matter.

He stopped knowing how to show his feelings, a long time ago, until he miraculously hit his head and wiped out everything he had ever wanted to forget. It was as if the world was giving him a chance to walk away from his past errors, leaving behind a clean slate.

His heart ached for the Bella in those diary entries.

He wondered if she could ever forgive him.

As Edward let down his guard and allowed his mind to relax, he noticed different things about himself. He constantly felt that love should be earned, whether it was the love he'd receive from Bella or the fatherly respect he desired from Carlisle.

The rain gutter creaked as a lightning strike signaled the arrival of an epiphany. Edward's eyes were lit up intermittently from the storm outside as he became aware of his undoing.

A thunderous clap resounded, shaking the walls of the lonesome house.

He must have overworked himself after Bella's desire to start a family surfaced. He felt as if it was his duty to support his wife and their future children. As the pressure from his home life multiplied, Edward was consoled by the fact that he was actively providing for his family-to-be.

By switching off his emotions, he was able to surprisingly please his own father with his ruthless dedication to being a top lawyer. But even he knew he didn't need the money. Edward had been born into wealth. Working just made him feel industrious.

He'd pretend not to see the emotional outbursts of his confused wife but from time to time, he couldn't help the tears that escaped his troubled eyes. However, he was convinced that he could sculpt their paths flawlessly.

So he'd wake up with a purpose and zealously work around the clock.

Until time had tripped him over, forcing him to realize that he was too late.

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