Chapter 29
Koh and Konti enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, while Kirk watched. When Konti tried to protest, Kirk said, "Remember 280."
"Which means you don't care. How can you not care?"
"No amount of talk is going to get me anything to eat or drink. I really don't care whether you eat or not, but you might as well. Koh wants you to; it will sound better in his report if you both eat. Otherwise it makes him seem like the villain. Besides, if you aren't savoring your juice, I can't look on in tortured envy." Kirk grinned with mischief.
"You think it's funny!"
"How many times are we going to have this conversation? I've told you why I make jokes. So drink up, and let's talk about something else."
He glanced at Koh, who was openly amused.
"What are you laughing about?"
"You don't like it when Konti feels sorry for you. It makes you uncomfortable."
"You're right. If I let him feel sorry for me, I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself. And that's a slippery downward spiral. But it's more than that. To be the object of pity is extremely distasteful. I think it's because it makes me feel less of a person. If you pity me, then we cannot relate to each other as equals."
Konti was puzzled. "You don't mind being a slave, but you don't like being pitied."
"You don't think of me as a slave. Those that do, ridicule rather than pity me. And that's what I want them to do. And the reason that it makes you uncomfortable is that you pity me. See it the way I do, and it ceases to be a problem."
"Weren't you pitying me last night? I saw something in your eyes, just for a moment."
"You thought I did it on purpose, and I might have, if I'd thought of it."
"That was the worst moment of temptation all night," Konti readily admitted.
"I'm not surprised. Anyway, that wasn't pity. I'm not sure how to explain the difference. When I saw the pain in your eyes, emotionally I felt your pain with you. My own was easily ignored. Yours was not easy to ignore. I wasn't regretting what I was doing to you, nor wishing it wasn't causing your pain. I was simply feeling your pain as if it were my own."
"Your pain was doubled?"
"Not physically. I wasn't any closer to passing out. But emotional pain is usually harder to deal with. It's less amenable to self-control. It can be done, but requires much more effort. It can feel like a physical pain, stabbing your gut, twisting and squeezing until you can't stand it. But its source isn't physical, it's emotional. To control it, you must control your thoughts, and what you allow yourself to feel.
"Well, I've wandered pretty far from the concept of pity. Maybe if you could ask me a question, we'd get a little more clarity."
"Are you saying that pity is wishing it weren't so, but what you did - does it have a name?"
"Empathy."
"Empathy is feeling the other's pain without wanting to change it."
"I would have taken your pain if I could, no matter what it would have done to me. But I knew you could not get where you wanted to go without going through the pain."
Koh and Konti had finished eating. Koh rose to depart.
"We start in Room E this morning, gentlemen. I'll be in the monitoring room."
They followed him into the hall and headed in opposite directions. Konti wondered if Kirk really knew what was in Room E. So he asked.
"The whip, of course. That's what started this whole thing anyway. I'm just glad Koh hasn't had me beating you morning, noon, and night, for days on end. I don't know if I could take that, and I'm sure you wouldn't want to."
They entered the room, and Konti saw that the whip was exactly where he had left it. Suddenly Kirk crumpled to the floor. Startled, Konti dropped to the floor next to him. Kirk turned onto his back, visibly fighting the pain for several minutes. His breathing slowed, his muscles relaxed, and he smiled.
"Such a warm welcome, Koh! You're full of surprises. How long, and how high?"
"4.63 minutes. Guess."
"Over 250 certainly. 270?"
"280."
"Sorry. I wasn't paying much attention last night."
"Can you function at this level?"
"Probably." And Kirk slowly got to his feet.
Konti also stood and watched Kirk. Except for his slow movement, he would never have known that Kirk was in pain.
"Now what?" Kirk inquired.
"Take all the wires off Konti."
Kirk and Konti removed the wires in a matter of minutes. Then they stood facing each other, knowing what was coming, but not speaking of it.
"Konti, when you came here, you promised to obey me, and put up with whatever was done to you without protest. Do you now reaffirm that promise?"
"I do." Konti kept his eyes on Kirk.
"Good. I allowed Kirk to teach you because I was interested in what he would do and how. To say he exceeded my expectations is an understatement. However, as interesting as that was, and as valuable to you, you need to understand that from now on, this is not about you; it's about Kirk.
"You are nothing more than a tool in my hands. I will use you to torture Kirk. On top of maximum physical pain, I will heap emotional pain beyond what he can endure. My goal is to break him. If I succeed, it will not be pretty. I have given you all this explanation because it is imperative that you remain absolutely silent. Not one word of complaint or protest. If you cannot guarantee silence, I will tape your mouth."
Konti drew himself more erect.
"Tape will not be necessary."
Kirk remembered with amusement the day Konti had taped his mouth. Fortunately Koh hadn't used any talking drugs since that day. Kirk's transparency had made it unnecessary.
Koh continued. "Kirk, you on the other hand, will be your usual transparent self. I can't measure emotional pain the way I can physical. All I have to go on is what you tell me."
"I don't think you can inflict emotional pain on me unless I let you," Kirk stated calmly.
"Oh, you'll let me all right. I'm coming to that. But first, turn on some of that transparency and talk to me. What are you feeling?"
"At this moment, I'm not feeling much of anything. I'm looking at Konti."
"Interpret what you see."
"He is calmly confident that he can handle this. He would like to ask my advice, but he won't violate your command for silence. He is more concerned for me than for himself. He is surprised that I can read so much in his face.
"I told him you would do this; he didn't believe me. But now, in spite of being proved wrong, he still trusts you. I told him I would trust you with his life because he does. And I do, but that doesn't make this any easier to face. I don't suppose you'd let me just describe what it would be like, and skip actually doing it?"
"Not a chance, but I would like the description."
Kirk took a deep breath. "It's qualitatively different from last night, partly because I can't inflict whiplash wounds on myself. Last night was easier to take because I was doing to myself everything I did to Konti. But it's more than that. The physical act of wielding the whip and seeing the results: the welts on the skin, the blood oozing from the cuts - it all seems much more real somehow than these wires."
"You don't think 280 is real?"
"Yes, it's real enough, but you said yourself that it doesn't satisfy the bloodlust. In the same way, it doesn't appall me the way this does. I did it once because Konti asked me to, and it was absolutely awful. I would rather die than do it again. So unless you can come up with a very compelling reason, I will simply refuse to do it. You can't force me. Nothing you can do to me will make me do this."
"I won't have to force you. You will force yourself. Because I have that compelling reason. But tell me, do you fear that I will break you? Is that why you want to refuse?" Koh asked curiously.
"No, you will not break me. If I decide that I really have to do this, then I will ignore my emotional response in the same way that I'm ignoring that 280 you're sending me. You think there's a maximum to what I can ignore, and maybe there is, but you haven't found it yet.
"The reason I don't want to do this is that I don't want Konti to suffer because of me. My goal is to do him good, not harm. And it has nothing to do with what he can handle. It has to do with the motivation behind doing it. Last night our goal was to help Konti. Today the goal is to torture me. I am not willing to harm him for the purpose of torturing me."
"It's true that is my purpose. But your compelling reason is that it will benefit him."
"I'm listening."
"It's not so much that it will benefit him, but that the lack will harm him. I fixed it with Korn to let Konti in here, by telling him what I planned to use Konti for. In his eyes, Konti is making a personal sacrifice to aid the State in its interrogation of an important prisoner. There was no mention of any benefit to Konti, nor did I tell Korn you would be teaching him what you do. For personal reasons, I am quite certain Konti doesn't want Korn to know what we did last night."
"He won't find out from me. I take it back; yes, he will - as soon as they finish the new mindsifter; there are no secrets from that machine. So Konti, I recommend you tell him at your earliest opportunity. Much better than waiting for him to find out. But what does that have to do with today's activity?" Kirk asked pointedly.
"Korn has superiors who are quite interested in you. Some are saying that Konti is too personally involved. Only the public beatings give Korn sufficient ammunition to refute their claims. He may be able to avoid reporting last night's activity, but only if there is something else more significant to report, something more tangible. I predict that within an hour after Konti leaves the lab, he will have one or more visitors requesting a visual inspection."
"If they find nothing, you're saying Konti will be in trouble. What kind of trouble?"
"They will most certainly take you away from him."
"If that's all, that's not a compelling enough reason."
"You force Konti to beat you regularly, but you refuse to beat him for the same purpose?"
"That's right. I have the right to abuse my body as I deem necessary to accomplish my goals. I have no such right to abuse his body," Kirk adamantly insisted.
"You have an interesting moral code. However, that's not all. Konti could be facing far more serious consequences. Loss of power and position, even loss of rank, are relatively minor. But he could be tried for treason. Korn has enemies, who would stoop to attacking him through Konti."
"They would believe that Konti is not committing treason if they saw the evidence that I had beat him?"
"It's not so much a question of what they would believe, as what they think constitutes supportable evidence. If you beat Konti, and in turn, Konti gives you several brutal public beatings to make you pay, they will not press, because the evidence so clearly supports Konti, regardless of what they actually believe."
"Several brutal public beatings - Konti is thrilled. I agreed to cut back on the public beatings because he hates them so much. This sounds like the exact opposite of cutting back. Why can't we skip my beating Konti, and just step up the public beatings? What reason have you given for my doing this? Surely they wouldn't believe the truth?"
"Korn believes it, but no, I don't expect the rest of them to believe that it causes you more pain to beat Konti than anything else I've done to you. The report will read that I threatened you with instant death if you did not. So you did, even though you knew Konti would pay you back triple for every lash."
"Hm, that sounds like the picture we've been trying to create, very believable. They would never believe that instant death would be preferable. You could, you know. Just spin that dial all the way up to 500, and leave it there for fifteen minutes. That'd take care of everybody's problems."
Konti's eyes were flashing with anger, but he said nothing.
"You really don't want to do this, do you?"
"No, I really don't. Tell me again why I have to."
"Because if you don't, Konti may be successfully accused of treason."
"Right. That's a compelling enough reason. Congratulations. You have me backed into a corner. Konti, you don't have to answer this, but do you believe Koh's assessment of the situation is accurate?"
Konti blinked once, and held his gaze steady on Kirk.
"And do you agree with his conclusions?"
Konti blinked again.
"All right, Koh, I give in. I'll do what you want."
"I never doubted it, but you argued longer than I expected. Pick up the whip."
Kirk obeyed with reluctance.
"Is it all right if I give Konti that advice he was asking for?"
"No. Konti will have to cope the best way he can. I would not be entirely displeased if he cannot cope. More painful for you if he can't."
"Then why didn't you do this first, instead of all the other things we've been doing for the last two days?"
"Because the visual inspection will have the greatest impact if it is fresh. Now, in order to avoid letting you simply turn off the emotions, we're going to do this slowly, giving you lots of time to ponder. Look into Konti's eyes. How does it make you feel to know that over the next four to five hours, you will give Konti a total of 280 lashes. We will then take a one-hour break, after which you will do it again. In short, we will be at this all day. How does this make you feel?"
"Sick." Kirk let his emotional reaction come through in the words. "Absolutely awful. Weak-kneed. Faint of heart." He paused to rein it in. "Will that do for a description?" he asked calmly.
"And what do you see in Konti's eyes?"
"Fear, grim determination, and concern for me. We each know what the other is facing, and you won't let us talk about it. You'd like it if we both fell apart." Kirk straightened his back. "Well, we're not going to.
"Lord, I ask you right now to hold Konti in the palm of Your hand, with the peace that passes understanding. I'm trusting You to keep him in that peace all day."
The fear disappeared from Konti's eyes. The determination and concern were replaced by a deep peace. Kirk smiled.
"It's real, Konti. And it's not going to disappear, no matter what happens."
"Kirk! What did you just do?"
"You heard me. I asked the Lord to give Konti His peace. I can see the difference in his eyes. The Lord's peace is powerful. You wait and see."
It had not occurred to Kirk to pray for himself as well, but the Lord understood and supplied the need. Kirk applied the lash in increments of twenty or forty. In between each set, he looked into Konti's eyes and reported his own feelings and what he saw in Konti. In addition to the deep peace, he began to see joy in Konti's eyes, as he discovered first-hand what Kirk's secret was.
Kirk was indeed grateful that Konti stood calmly, with his hands on his head, not reacting in the slightest to the lash. Koh continued to bring him face to face with how he felt about this. It did not get easier. He had to continually remind himself the reason he was doing this. Konti's life was worth every lash. Nevertheless, it was exceedingly difficult to watch Konti's back get worse and worse, especially as Kirk became fatigued.
Kirk had made no effort to count the total lashes, so he had only a vague idea that it had been several hours already. When he realized that he was feeling the effects of 280 on the dial, he wondered fleetingly if he really was going to fall apart. Maybe Koh had finally found a combination that was beyond his ability to endure. But beyond sharing his thoughts with Koh, he didn't dwell on the possibility. He just kept doing the next thing.
By the time Koh called a one-hour break, Kirk's breathing was very ragged, his movements jerky, and he could hardly lift the whip, he was so exhausted. Koh sent him back to Room A, so he wouldn't talk to Konti, who stayed in Room E. Although Koh turned off the pain generator, Kirk staggered down the hall, breathing in gasps. He collapsed on the floor, neither unconscious nor asleep, but too exhausted to move.
Koh came in, plugged in the IV's, and left again without a word. Kirk was too exhausted even to pray. All he knew was that it was unlikely he could manage another four or five hours of this, even after an hour's rest. He remembered being aware that Konti still had the Lord's peace. Thank you, Lord. Kirk fell into a deep sleep.
Koh got himself something to eat, made some notes for his report, and went to check on Kirk and Konti. Kirk was sleeping soundly. He didn't disturb him. Konti was doing calisthenics when Koh entered. He laughed at the look on Koh's face.
"I used to wonder why Kirk did this. Now I know. The need to restore circulation is more critical than the need to rest. After all, I haven't been doing anything except standing here."
"But doesn't your back hurt?"
"Of course. So what?"
"You sound like Kirk."
"Yes," Konti smiled with delight. "He's finally shown me his secret. Not that I'll be able to duplicate it, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. Koh, you have no idea how wonderful this is!"
"I'm sure I don't. What I really came in here to ask is whether you think you can survive a second round of this."
"He said it would last all day - the peace, that is - so I don't see why not. But do you really think Kirk can survive much more? It seems to me as if he's close to losing it."
"I think he is, but I've learned never to underestimate him. But promise me this: when he loses control, stay out of it. Don't talk to him, don't chase him, don't restrain him. Let him do what he's going to do."
"Even if he tries to kill you?"
"He won't. I'm dead certain of it."
"Just so long as you're not dead as a result of being certain. Koh, lock your door."
"No. The doors are never locked, and I'm not starting now. I've given him repeated opportunities to attack me. It doesn't even enter his thinking unless I put it there, and then he just laughs at me."
"You've never pushed him over the edge."
"I'll risk it. I have to. To lock the door on him would be- I can't explain it- dishonorable, somehow. Though how one can speak of honor regarding a slave is not entirely clear to me." Koh's hands stilled for a moment, a clear sign that he didn't understand this phenomenon himself and wasn't sure of Konti's reaction.
"I know what you mean, though. Kirk is an honorable man. He treats everyone with honor. Somehow he evokes honor in everyone he meets. Even Kadat, who was madder than a hornet, believed Kirk's word."
"Yes, and gave him three cracked ribs as a result. Anyway, you've got about twenty minutes. You can have some juice. I wouldn't recommend any solid food."
"Is Kirk eating?"
"After a fashion."
"Which means he plugged in the IV's."
"I did; he wouldn't have bothered."
"How can he go for days and weeks without eating? He can't be really getting enough from those IV's."
"He gets enough to stave off the worst of the dehydration and starvation. But you're right, he's thirsty almost all the time. The only time he's hungry is after I give him something to eat. That steak dinner bet he just won will cost him three days of nasty hunger pains, and he knows it. Won't stop him from enjoying the dinner."
"When I think of all the meals he's served me in these last weeks, and not a sign that he's suffering! I don't know how I'm going to manage to eat in front of him."
"You'd better. Dangerous not to."
"You could start feeding him, or at least give him water. Even an animal gets a water supply!"
"He's not an animal, and he's not complaining." Koh crossed his arms over his chest, unmoved by Konti's outburst.
"He won't, and you know it!"
"Yes, he's as stubborn as you are. That's why you like him. You're two of a kind."
xxxx
Kirk woke slowly, realized where he was, and memory returned. He rolled onto his back, stretched, and noticed the IV's. He couldn't remember having done that, but that didn't mean he hadn't. He remembered being pretty far gone. Now he felt rested, at least physically. Didn't mean he wanted to face Konti's back again. Just thinking about it brought the emotional stress into focus. He felt emotionally unable to get off the floor, much less endure hours of whipping Konti.
Lord, I can't go on. I do not have the resources to deal with this. Nevertheless, I trust You to accomplish Your purpose in my life. You have all the resources I need. If You want me to fall apart, I'm willing. I'm not willing to let evil triumph in this situation. In the name of Jesus, I command all evil forces to depart from me. I belong to You, Jesus, and Your will shall prevail in me and in this situation.
A supernatural peace came over him.
Thank you, Lord.
"Kirk, time's up. Return to Room E."
"Considerate of you to use words to wake me, instead of blasts from the pain generator. To what do I owe such generosity?"
Koh did not reply. Kirk hadn't really expected a reply. He rose in one fluid motion, unplugged the IV's, and calmly went to Room E. He fully expected to be blasted with pain as soon as he walked in the door. He wasn't. Konti stood with his back to the door, giving Kirk a full view of his backside. Kirk walked around to the front, and stood facing Konti. As they gazed into each other's eyes, neither spoke, but the Lord's peace was communicated.
"Pick up the whip."
Kirk did so, and returned to stand in front of Konti.
"Talk to me."
"I'm amused that you haven't-" He broke off suddenly as the pain hit him full force. "Very... clever... You... hoped... to catch me... by surprise." He took one deep breath and had it under control. "And I wasn't expecting it at that moment, but I've been ready for it ever since I walked through that door. How long did it take?"
"One minute flat. It's disgusting!"
Kirk laughed. "Am I imagining it, or have you been inching the dial higher?"
"Guess."
"It's hard to tell at these levels, because I have so little data. But it definitely feels more intense than the 280. Is it 290, or have you got it cranked all the way up to 300?"
"It's at 300. I had it all the way up to 320 when you started noticing it. I should have slammed you with 320, but I was afraid you might pass out."
"Afraid?" Kirk retorted. "Of what? Are we approaching what's lethal?"
"The manual says anything over 450 is lethal, but I don't know what that's based on. The reality for you is probably higher, but what if it's lower?"
"400 ought to be safe, even so, and 320 is no where near that high. So why don't you want me to pass out? We could back up and play it again. You could even slam it up to 350 to see what happens. Even if I pass out, it shouldn't be more than a few minutes."
"You're just trying to stall," Koh mocked.
"So what? It shouldn't make more than a few minutes difference either way."
Koh turned serious. "You realize that if you can function at 350, then you will have to, for the next four or five hours?"
"Yes, the higher the better. I don't want you coming back tomorrow and saying, 'if only I'd pushed it one notch higher, maybe the results would have been different.' I want it finished today."
"Even if I break you?"
"Even if, and the sooner the better. Less agony for Konti," Kirk explained. "So how high can we safely go, in your opinion?"
"400 is the upper limit, and I'd feel safer at 375."
"If we quit at 375, you'd wonder about 380. If we quit at 400, you'd wonder about 405. So what's the absolute highest you would risk? 420? 450? 460? 500?"
"You can't function at those levels!" Koh scoffed.
"Probably not, at least not this week. But that isn't the question. How high would you go? Where would you stop because you dare not risk going any higher?"
"I don't know."
"Think about it, because here's what I think you should do. Find out where the current threshold is. Back off five points from there. When I'm involved in the activity of whipping Konti, start raising the dial. Stop when one of three things happens: I pass out; I break down; or you reach the max you're willing to risk. If I pass out, you back off five points, wait for me to wake up, and start raising it again. If I break down, you win. If I get to the max, you agree to never do this again. Either way, we finish today."
"You're pushing for this because you think you can handle one more session, but not more than that?" Koh was back in clinical detachment mode.
"No, actually I doubt if I can last through even one more session, and that's without raising it over 320. No, I want to save Konti the agony of days of this, while you test the upper limits. Let's go straight to the top now. You're more likely to break me this way, instead of approaching gradually so I can get used to it."
"And what of your emotional pain?"
"What you're doing is working pretty well. I don't have any suggestions for improvement."
"Wouldn't the emotional pain be worse if we draw this out for days?"
"No, not necessarily. If you exceed the maximum the soul can tolerate, very likely my emotions would shut down completely, and I would just feel numb. I can't even guarantee that won't happen today. It feels almost unbearable as it is."
"Are you lying to me?"
"About it being unbearable? I could hardly force myself to come back in here. And every time I look at Konti's back, I shudder."
"No, about your emotions shutting down. I know you won't lie to me to protect yourself, but would you lie to protect Konti?"
"Under certain circumstances, I might, but this is not among them."
"What circumstances, then?"
"To save his life."
Koh was silent for a moment.
"Okay. We do it your way. Your advice has been consistently helpful from the beginning. I'm going to believe you haven't changed."
"Thank you."
"Testing threshold now."
Konti watched Kirk fight to stay on his feet. He almost went down twice, but recovered enough to stay conscious a few more seconds. When he finally went down and out, it was with a sigh that sounded to Konti as if it contained a note of disappointment that he hadn't been able to last longer.
"Why does he do that, Koh?"
"Do what?"
"Fight so hard to stay conscious. He's just making things harder on himself."
"He always does that. I'm not sure he could do otherwise. We were talking about it several weeks ago, and he essentially told me I was making it too easy. I used to go up in five point increments, like what he did with you. He told me to change it to a constant, non-stop increase. I vary the speed at which it increases, just to keep him interested. But I think the fight to stay conscious is instinct.
"It's an interesting question though. I wonder if he could override the fight instinct and just let himself go. I may ask him."
"Ask me what?"
Kirk's eyes were open but he didn't yet try to stand up.
"The fight to stay conscious. Is it an instinct? And can you override it?"
"Yes, it's an instinct, but I can control it, I think. I wonder how different the results would be. Where's the dial at now?"
"335. It was 341 when you hit the floor."
"We could experiment right now. If you put it back to 300, we could run it up again and see how much sooner I pass out."
"Still stalling, aren't you? Well, okay, because I'm curious, but first, I want to know if you can stand at 335."
"Good question."
Very slowly, Kirk stood up.
"The answer is yes, just barely."
"Walk in a circle all the way around Konti."
His step was slow and careful, but Kirk didn't fall.
"Well?"
"I think it's doable, just; but it will probably get easier as I get used to it. The thing we have to watch for is whether the physical pain is taking so much of my attention, that I don't deal with the emotional at all. We'll just have to try it and see."
"Okay. Going back to 300. I'm going to ask Konti whether you were fighting it."
"Understood."
This time Kirk just stood there, relaxed, breathing deeply, with a half-smile on his face. Several minutes later, without warning, he simply collapsed.
"If there was any struggle to that, it was all internal. I didn't see a thing. How high did he get?"
"You're not going to believe this. It's 341 on the dot."
Kirk could hardly believe it either, when he woke.
"I guess I've learned that struggling is a useless waste of energy. Those results are hard to believe, though. Maybe several reruns of this experiment are in order."
"Maybe so, but not today. You've stalled long enough. On your feet, and pick up that whip you dropped."
