Trigger warning: for dissociation and vague flashbacks.


Chapter 29: Still Hiding

Over the remainder of the day, Gray managed to keep his self-inflicted bruises covered thanks to Natsu's ingenious (and dastardly) plan.

The rules were simple: if Gray started to strip, Natsu touched him.

So far the ice mage had messed up only once. Lifting the hem of his shirt without conscious thought, the first thing he noticed was a warm hand pushing the garment back down beneath the cover of the table—then that hand slid down his thigh. Natsu got awfully close to sensitive areas.

Gray discovered sensual touches in the middle of the guild made his mouth go dry.

That excitement was startling, because it made his skin crawl to think of anyone glimpsing the way Natsu's touch made him feel. But the idea of getting away with it—doing things in front of everyone and not being noticed…

When Gray next stripped, Natsu grabbed his ass, and it took all Gray's self-control not to yelp or sprout an erection.

He was so riled up that the first thing he did at home was lure Natsu into an embrace and start making out. The Dragon Slayer held him close, affectionate, smiling against Gray's lips.

"Yum," the Dragon Slayer hummed.

"Mmf," Gray replied.

"I've missed you."

Gray's heart nearly broke under the weight of that comment. It had been five or six days since they'd last made out like this—and a hundred kilometers of distance in their relationship. It felt like forever.

But the Salamander gripped at him, hands kneading, breaths coming faster. In answer, Gray sucked on Natsu's neck and ground against his boyfriend.

"Wow, you're really…hahhh," Natsu said.

"Yeah." Gray nipped his ear, urgent. "I really am. So are you."

He pulled Natsu in and rutted harder, exhibiting how horny they both were. The Salamander groaned on contact.

"Of course I am," Natsu grunted. "Watching you try to strip earlier…then having to stop you…" Eyes fluttering shut, Natsu found Gray's lips and kissed him deep, hand gripping the ice mage's hair. "Mmm. And you got turned on by it."

"That's what happens when you touch me like that, baka."

Natsu pulled back to give him a crafty smile. "You like the danger, don't you? That people might notice?"

Gray shuddered. Natsu's fingers played up his sides, sliding his shirt off, and Gray let himself be undressed.

"Imagine it, snowflake." Natsu grinned, fingers slipping down Gray's trousers as Natsu unbuttoned them. "Imagine me stripping you like this in the guildhall at night. Someone could come in at any time."

"Nnng, Natsu…"

"I'd touch every square centimeter of you, just like this—" The Salamander's feverish hands traced the ice mage's bare ass, "—and you'd be melting just like you are now. For all you know, someone's peeking in the window watching the whole thing. Maybe Mira stayed late and is hiding behind the bar watching me touch you. Watching me pull your belt off and finally shove your pants down, just—mnn—like this… You love being stripped. Maybe I'd suck you off, not caring if anyone could come waltzing in."

"Oh fuck," Gray gasped, Natsu still following the contours of his naked skin.

Gray was so hard it hurt, and the Dragon Slayer came to his rescue with a fist around his cock. The ice mage leaned into him groaning, certain he was going to explode.

"You like the idea that someone might see," Natsu whispered in his ear. "That they might watch this hot thing we have between us. I'd get off to that, watching you fuck me…"

"Gods, Natsu…"

"We are damn attractive."

"Fuck. Yeah."

When the Salamander tugged at his own clothes, Gray aided him, nearly tearing his boyfriend's pants in his hurry. Pressing closer, Gray tripped Natsu into the wall and ended up smack against his chest, skin on skin. For a loud, panting moment they stared at each other, both wanting.

The needy vulnerability in Natsu's eyes busted Gray's heart wide open.

With a harsh breath, he rutted against Natsu's thigh, fondled his balls, dragged him in so Gray could bite his lip. His hand twisted around Natsu's neck and Natsu licked into his mouth, tasting like char. When his fingers pinched Gray's nipples, pleasure slithered through Gray's veins.

Public sex, fuck. Why am I so turned on by that?!

Natsu continued scratching and twingeing at his chest, drawing low grunts from the ice mage. Gray coursed his hands over Natsu's sides with careful attention, down warm ribs and sensitive scars, making Natsu even more impatient. Gods, Gray loved this body: could spend hours enjoying every centimeter.

He dug his nails into the hollow between Natsu's shoulder blades when Natsu suddenly took over the kiss, devouring Gray. As Gray kept moving, over and over, their cocks rubbed against each other, almost too rough. Every nerve was tuned to that rhythm.

The Salamander broke away from their kiss to gasp, but Gray found his lips again quickly: he couldn't afford Natsu more chances for dirty talk. Any more would make him come on the spot, and now was the time for action, not words.

The time for senselessness and choosing to lose to control.

Still, Natsu escaped long enough to say, "You are so hot. Come fuck me on the bed. I mean, the wall's cool and all, but…"

Laughter rippled through Gray's throat. Grinning, he released his boyfriend with one final thrust.

"Whatever you want," Gray panted. "I just like it when you're needy."

"Fuck," Natsu said, vulnerability shining in his eyes again. "Well, I really, really need you right now."

As they tumbled into their bedroom, the ice mage's mind was still flitting through images of public sex. Of sucking Natsu off, Natsu making these very same faces, not caring if anyone saw. On the bed, Gray crawled over his boyfriend, thrusting their cocks together while he caressed Natsu's face. So expressive, showing every way Gray's touch affected him. Gray kissed him hotly, and Natsu wound their tongues together.

When Gray shivered, Natsu rolled them over and kissed his way frantically down Gray's body. Just like that, he was taking Gray's cock in his mouth.

"Oh, fuck!" Gray gripped at the comforter. "I'm so—"

When Natsu rubbed against Gray's leg, the feel of that hot, hard cock stole Gray's voice, warnings of how close he was disappearing into thin air.

Natsu did not suck him long, just enough to make him so achingly on edge. Gray had to breathe deep, remember to prep his boyfriend. So much adrenaline was running through his body that his hands shook when he grabbed lube and condom.

"You make everything difficult," Gray panted.

Natsu grinned, eyes hazy. Fuck, fuck, it affected Gray so much seeing him like this…

Lying side by side, Natsu consumed the ice mage in a groaning kiss while Gray's fingers found Natsu's ass. Imagine doing this in public, his way-too-turned-on brain whispered.

When he pushed a third finger inside, he felt Natsu open up, the Salamander relaxing as he nuzzled Gray's face, reveling as only Natsu could. Every touch made Gray's insides twist up.

"Gods," Natsu whispered, like a prayer, hands framing Gray's face. "Please, just…gods."

The ice mage knew that was the equivalent of get the fuck on with it, but Gray lost himself briefly in the overcome look on Natsu's face. The protective instincts of his heart rose up. Wanting everything for Natsu, and to never see him hurt again.

Moving simultaneously quick and slow—wary of just how close he was—Gray lined up, still lying on their sides.

"I really want you," Gray whispered.

Natsu growled. Tendons standing out on his hands, he pushed himself on top of the ice mage, sliding down onto Gray's cock much faster than Gray expected.

For a hovering second, Gray worried it was too quick, but Natsu groaned and began to move. A rapid pace, head thrown back and throat straining. When Natsu leaned forward, Gray gripped Natsu's thighs and met those proprietary black eyes with a smile.

Still humping Gray's cock, the Salamander's hand dragged at his own a few times before murmuring, "Help me with this?"

More than happy to do so, Gray stroked him, clenching his fist tighter over the crest of the head. Natsu's body went rigid—slamming down onto Gray and making the ice mage moan.

While the Dragon Slayer kissed Gray sloppily, half-missing his lips, he pinched Gray's nipples. Lightning charged through Gray's body. It lit him up with desire, a brilliant star gleaming with happy things. Natsu rolled, flipping their positions; the Dragon Slayer was out of breath, and Gray felt a roar of pride.

Digging his toes into the comforter, Gray found a rhythm, Natsu's ass clenching around him every time he pulled out. Their sounds were heavy in the sweat-saturated air. The slap of skin. The Salamander grunting curses. The salty tang as Gray mouthed at Natsu's chest.

And Natsu looking so fucking happy.

Gray could never share this. Not with anyone.

Natsu was releasing tortured groans; pleasure tightened Gray's windpipe. Sensual feelings were multiplied by a thousand romantic ones—every inside joke, every happy memory, every endearing nickname. His paramours had been right, the ones who'd cared about him in a way he didn't reciprocate and who consequently experienced sex differently than he did. Like Freed, who always told Gray he'd enjoy fucking even more if he let go, which Gray knew meant giving in to emotions. As if emotions had anything to do with his cock. Except they did.

Maybe he'd always been a bit proud of not engaging his heart. Not being able to get hurt; being free of those pains others experienced. Guildmates who were privy to his night life used to tell him, you won't talk so big when you meet someone special.

Gods, wasn't that the truth.

Caring about someone was so humbling. It made you reliant, made you surrender control. If someone saw Gray right now, with his cock buried in his boyfriend and both of them crying out at how fucking amazing it was…

Here with Natsu was the one place Gray was open. He showed his vulnerability: the little boy who lost everything over and over again. If people saw that…

You like being watched. Look, look how much you like this.

Just like then.

They watched. They wanted.

Gray felt eyes everywhere. Invisible people watching, drinking him up. They forced him: they saw. He couldn't get away from the eyes everywhere seeing what he was doing with Natsu, watching the way he cared and stealing his feelings for themselves.

Every time he thrust into the Dragon Slayer, it wasn't private, it wasn't theirs. It belonged to a thousand vicious others.

Everything inside Natsu remained warm and perfect. But Gray was being watched now. Invisible eyes. People watching, and he was scared.

Staring down at that exquisite face, Gray felt like an eagle with its prey. He didn't know what to do.

Terrible thoughts constricted Gray's muscles, but the worst part was that he liked it. Darkness. Power. He wanted destruction: hardness and cruelty and the world as it was—ugly and excruciating. He longed for that rush from cutting himself off from everything. Being cold and totally alone. Unable to hurt. Some sick, horrifying part of him got thrills down his spine at the idea.

He wanted to rip out everything that could feel, and let it bleed out on the ground.

Still staring down at Natsu, Gray suddenly felt like throwing up.

Gray realized he was going soft and couldn't tell if it was because he had ejaculated or was losing his excitement.

He couldn't do this to Natsu. He wasn't that kind of person. Not a monster. They had to stop.

But Natsu took that moment to pant, "More…"

Gray slowed, caught in uncertainty until nails dug into his spine. Natsu's eyes were still closed.

"Don't stop, please," Natsu moaned. "Icy—stripper—ngghhh…gods, you're so good."

"I love you," Gray whispered.

So he kept going at the begging of his lover, following those happy sound. Natsu's hot, smooth shaft in his palm was stimulating enough for Gray to continue thrusting.

"G-Gray, like that, like—Gray!"

When Gray bucked in hard and squeezed Natsu's cock, Natsu came with a shout, heels digging into Gray's ass. Cum covered Gray's hand; he licked it off unconsciously. The flavor of Natsu's euphoria. Familiar, and it made the ice mage relax. It was over.

But Natsu's focus sharpened on Gray's face. Sly grin creeping up his lips, he pulled Gray against himself. Pulling Gray's half-hard cock deeper.

It was too much.

The wounds were ripping in his heart, and Gray's cock wouldn't cooperate. He fell against his boyfriend with a muffled groan, breathing hard and hoping Natsu said nothing, maybe even believed Gray had come. He could hide the condom and pretend.

But as seconds passed, the tension in his body unraveled. No matter how good he was at pretending, he couldn't hide the tears that streamed down onto the Dragon Slayer's chest.

"Oh gods! Gray…" Natsu gripped him. "What's wrong?"

The Salamander tried to sit up, but when his mate didn't let him, Natsu settled for holding Gray close, breathing singsong comfort into his hair.

"It's okay. I'm here. It's alright."

All Gray could see was the blackness of his closed eyelids. He didn't care how it looked. I protected him. Gray hiccoughed… Other people made love while Gray Fullbuster tried to survive long enough to finish his boyfriend off.

Gray would do better. He wouldn't surrender Natsu to his demons without a fight—not to anyone or any predator or any ghost. I can do better, Gray thought over and over, until he was whispering it under his breath, trying so hard to convince himself he hadn't screwed up. I don't deserve him.

"I can't lie anymore, Natsu," he said, voice nasal. "I want to lie to myself, but I can't."

I want to be good enough.

"Why would you want to lie?" Natsu asked, hand rubbing his back. "Gray, it's okay."

"I screwed up."

"No, you didn't: we agreed you could be anything during sex. This too. You can feel anything, or nothing at all, and it's okay."

"I don't know what I feel," Gray muttered.

Several seconds passed.

"If you ever want to stop, we can stop," Natsu said. "Any time."

Gray's snort was derisive: "I didn't need to stop. I'm not that big a failure."

"Okay, okay. I'm just saying." Natsu ran lazy circles around his shoulder. "I love you, that's all."

"I d-don't understand you."

"What? I like you. I care about you."

"I don't know why," Gray scoffed. "Even you're smarter than that."

Natsu fell deadly silent.

The brokenness inside of Gray was quieting down. Taking a long breath, he smelled the warmth and post-sex scent of Natsu's skin. That was the smell of home and belonging. It might be childish, but belonging to someone made him feel better.

He started crying again.

It was egotism to want Natsu's comfort. If Gray had to peel the skin off his own body to protect Natsu… But he needed this support. Natsu offered it freely, and Gray took it. If that made him an asshole, there was nothing he could do about it.

"I'm sorry," he said, meaning everything. Trying to make up for a lifetime of failure.

Natsu ran circles around Gray's shoulder blades with his hand, light touches of forgiveness. Gray hated how much it must cost Natsu to forgive him for this.

After a while, he felt Natsu's chest rise with words, but Gray burst out first—

"I love you," they said at the same time.

Lifting his head, Gray blinked in startlement while Natsu began to laugh.

"Popsicle," Natsu said, combing affectionate fingers through Gray's hair. "We good now?"

Gray nodded, unable to answer the question for fear his voice wouldn't hold up.

He would be okay. Just for you, I will be. That was all there was to it.


Gray was turning over in his sleep when an absence of heat roused him. Looking around, he found the Salamander kneeling by the window, elbows on the sill.

He knew Natsu heard him wake—Natsu heard everything—but the Dragon Slayer didn't react until Gray muttered, "Something wrong?"

Turning, Natsu's mouth pinched. "I don't like when you don't believe me."

"When I don't believe you…?" Gray rubbed sleep from his eyes.

"I like you for good reasons. I don't just make stuff up."

Natsu's silhouette shifted.

"I'm not totally following." Gray reached for greater alertness. "What brought this on?"

"Earlier you asked me why I like you, and when I answered, you made fun of me." Natsu turned around, eyebrow raised. "After we fucked, you did it again. You patronized me with your 'I don't understand you,' like I'm a lunatic for liking you—insulted my intelligence."

Gray winced. That morning, Natsu had been pink with embarrassment, making the ice mage forget Natsu wasn't merely blurting things out. But tonight…well, there hadn't been any excuse for tonight.

"Sorry," Gray said.

"I forgive you." Natsu paused. "Droopy-eyes, I don't think you're worthless."

Gray sighed.

"You know I don't believe you," he said, not wanting to fight. "You and I think very differently about me."

"I know." Hands clasped under his chin, Natsu stared at him for a while. "That's valid. But you can't treat my opinion like it's less accurate than yours."

"I don't believe—"

"You don't have to treat me like shit just because you disagree," Natsu snapped. "You don't have to compromise: just stop trying to manipulate me. Stop treating me like I can't know my own mind."

Gray exhaled. "Natsu…"

"Promise me, Gray. It's damn insulting when I say I love you and you say I'm wrong."

Even in the darkness, the heat in Natsu's eyes made Gray swallow.

"Trauma doesn't give you an excuse to be a bitch."

"Yeah." Gray pushed a hand through his hair. "Guess you're right."

Surprised, the Salamander rocked back on his heels.

"Natsu." Gray sighed. "Come over here?"

Without hesitation, the Dragon Slayer crawled over and wormed beneath the comforter, sliding into Gray's arms.

"I'm sorry," Gray said. "Sometimes I tease you because I'm embarrassed how much I like hearing that stuff. I'm not like you: it isn't easy for me."

"You insult my honesty," Natsu huffed.

"Yeah." Gray looked him in the eye. "I promise, Natsu: I'll do my best not to shut you out."

That was what it was really about, wasn't it? Natsu's worst fear was rejection.

The Salamander cuddled into him, fiery heat warming the bed once more. As Natsu's limbs coiled around the ice mage like a vine, Gray's fingers played over his shadowed face.

"When did you get so wise to relationships?" Gray asked with a soft smile.


"Lucy," Natsu replied, relaxing into Gray's touches. He loved when Gray fiddled with him.

"Of course it would be her," Gray chuckled, tracing Natsu's chin.

"She said opinion isn't fact. If one person acts like their opinion is truer than someone else's, that's wrong." Natsu chuckled. "I decided I shouldn't let popsicles push me around."

Gray grinned just like Natsu knew he would, black eyes flicking up to meet Natsu's gaze. Fingertips trailed over the Dragon Slayer's throat.

"Except when we spar," Gray said. "You like me pushing you around then."

"And in bed sometimes," Natsu said, which earned him a playful nudge. "By the way, Lucy called it gaslighting. Weird, eh?"

"Why?"

"I have no fucking clue. Gaslamps don't get along?"

They had a good chortle over that.

"So Lucy just gave you romantic advice out of nowhere?" Gray asked.

"She was talking about Laxus and Freed. She said they're unhealthy because whenever they have a difference of opinion, Laxus tells Freed he's wrong and Freed lets him."

"Their friendship is unhealthy because Laxus is in it," Gray snorted, thumb rubbing back and forth over the rough scar on the side of Natsu's neck.

"He's gotten better," Natsu argued, leaning into Gray's touches. "And Freed doesn't let Laxus get abusive, no matter how much he likes him."

"So you noticed Freed likes him too?"

"How could anyone not? Weirds me the fuck out. Most convoluted version of flirting ever."

Gray laughed but said, "I mostly pity Freed."

Natsu tilted his head. "Why?"

"Flame-brain, Laxus is straight."

"He is?" Natsu gaped.

"He says so quite often, and him taking women home is decent confirmation. I thought you had a dragon's nose?"

"I do. And I've smelled women on him a total of two times. But…Laxus is a Dragon Slayer," Natsu said, utterly mystified. "He can't be straight."

"What does that have to do with it?" Gray asked, but Natsu's mind was in an infinite loop of surprise. It's magically impossible for him to be hetero. Isn't it?

Gray's tongue flicked over the Salamander's neck and all his thoughts derailed. Natsu grunted as the ice mage started sucking on the spot.

"Hnng, Gray… Want to talk about something else, I take it?"

The lips on his neck curved in a smile. The ice mage went after Natsu's scar, nibbling until Natsu groaned and leaving a noisy hicky there.

"You're deliciously evil," Natsu muttered.

"That's a perfectly valid opinion, Furnace-san."

As puffs of laughter hit Natsu's skin, he bit Gray's ear. Ridiculous snowflake.

"But seriously," Gray went on, stumbling over words, "even if I, um, don't believe the stuff you say, I really like that you believe it."

Now that was progress.


As Gray fought down a blush and continued playing with Natsu's skin, the Salamander shifted to catch his eye.

"Snow queen, earlier I was selfish and wanted something from you." Natsu grinned. "I wanted your cock accommodating my needs, and damn was that worth it. But I didn't suck you off all the way. Can I be selfish again? May I blow you?"

Gray almost laughed, except Natsu was totally sincere.

"You think I'd say no, firefly? To your mouth?"

"Well…" Natsu chewed his lip. "I don't want to tire you out."

The ice mage raised his eyebrows.

"I dare you to try. Even if you could, I'll fucking enjoy every second of it."

Before Gray could say anything else, the Salamander had flipped around and put his lips on the base of Gray's flaccid cock.

Humming in pleasure, Gray strained upward when Natsu breathed on him. Natsu grunted back, conveying every ounce of cockiness. It was damn sexy.

The slow ministrations of Natsu's lips and tongue had Gray's cock filling out in minutes, his gut twisting. Pent-up tension remained in his body from earlier and it all seemed to collect at the base of his dick, making him groan and buck toward Natsu's mouth—trying so hard not to actually thrust into his throat. When Natsu licked his balls, he grabbed the sheets and gasped.

Gray was panting and sweaty under Natsu's lips, and Natsu seemed perfectly content to keep him that way. The ice mage was unashamed of the sounds Natsu was pulling out of him, because it was safe here. Gray was vulnerable here,and still cared for. Natsu was sucking his cock and it didn't matter how Gray felt about his life. He could just enjoy what he was able.

They were alone in their house where not a single soul could see them.

Burning hot hands spread Gray's hips to hold him steady as Natsu went down on him, bobbing fast and licking up the length of him. Fuck, it all felt too good. Gray truly wanted to let go; the pleasure in his belly coiled tighter.

"C-Close," he warned, resulting in Natsu taking him deeper.

Natsu swallowed around the tip of his cock.

Arching his head back with a breathless cry, Gray tensed around this ball of confusing energy in his body, fighting it before giving in with a loud groan. Exultation swooped through him as he emptied in Natsu's mouth, and the Salamander sucked hard while Gray gasped through infinite moments of bliss.

As he came down from the high, his boyfriend crawled up to face him, kissing all over Gray's body on the way.

"I love this so much," Natsu groaned, wiping his lips. "I love how desperate you get for my mouth. I could blow you over and over. I could blow you anywhere anytime."

Still panting, Gray grinned.

He chose not to think about anywhere. That idea might turn him on, might lead to panic, might do both; either way, it wasn't what he wanted right now. Snuggling against his Dragon Slayer, Gray tucked his face against the warm skin of Natsu's neck.

"I want to dream about that tonight," he murmured. "You blowing me over and over. Sounds like a nice dream."

"If we managed to dream the same thing, is that the same as it actually happening?" Natsu asked, a grin in his voice.

"Nah. We still have to do it in real life."

"Okay," Natsu mumbled happily, folding a drowsy arm over Gray.


A/N: I cannot keep them from fucking all over the damn page. They went through ten chapters of angst and needed to let off steam haha. Sorrynotsorry. (~w~)

It should go without saying, but just want to stress: this one couple isn't representative of all survivors' relationships. Some are happily polyamorous, no PTSD issues with it. And sex doesn't require a certain level of emotional intimacy to be gratifying. Gray's specific journey just happens to focus on getting back in touch with his emotions in these ways. Nothing in this chapter (or this fic!) is meant as slut-shaming. End disclaimer.

Chapter 30: The Dragon Slayer Who Told Everyone