Title: Disadvantaged Children
Rating: M
Chapter Twenty Two
Circus
xx
I'm grinning.
The world is flashing by and it's all I can do not to follow it with outstretched arms. Village lights are twinkling on and off, so that bright lights cascades against my shoes. There's music playing in the background, sounds of twilight preparing to throw its sparkles, and a lullaby whispered between a mother and her infant.
I can't stop grinning, can't stop sneaking glances at Sasuke. I feel like I've been waiting far too long to keep everything inside and it's hard to put away the heart on my sleeve.
You've lost, Gaara. I've won.
Without thinking, I hug my body and step closer to Sasuke. When the dark-haired boy doesn't respond, I lean towards him so that we're walking side by side, shoulder to shoulder. I shouldn't be so happy because of this simple thing that Sasuke's allowed, but I can't help it. How can I help it?
It's him. The snarky bastard. The reason I'm here.
I'm still grinning. Still refraining from touching the smooth ivory skin, the hard body that, just moments ago, had pinned me, the lips that had left me suffocating, heated, breathless, speechless. Thinking about it makes me simultaneously aroused and embarrassed. I could control this, couldn't I? The urge to rip his clothes off, to kiss the smirk right off his mouth...
"Sasuke-kun?"
"Don't call me that, dobe."
"Why not?"
Sasuke's cool gaze doesn't hide the intensity in his eyes. He doesn't answer and instead steps closer to me. "Wrong question. Ask another one."
I blink owlishly and then frown. "I'll ask you whatever I want, teme!"
"Really?" Sasuke tilts his body in a way that stops me from walking. "What makes you think I'll let you?"
"Err.. Because.." I draw my eyes away from Sasuke's lips with a blush tainting my face. "Because.."
Fluidly, Sasuke closes the gap between our bodies and gently grasps my face with the tips of his fingers, forcing me to look at his absorbing eyes. I can hear everything so clearly - the chilly wind, our heartbeats, a whisper so far away..
"Because?"
Heat against my cheeks, trembling hands. I close my eyes to stop from falling, but I only find myself grasping at a liquid happiness, an incredible wave of emotions..
"Because I'm your humanity."
I don't open my eyes to witness the reaction on Sasuke's face, so I stand there with those gentle fingers tracing a pattern on my face.
That same melody, the same story, the same feelings. But, this time... This time..
Sasuke. What is this? How are you doing this to me?
What am I doing to you?
The Sasuke who kisses me isn't the same one who's sneered at me or the one who's a bastard made out of ice and broken emotions. The wind finds it way through our bodies, even though hesitant lips are warming every muscle, every finger, every touch. I think I'm drowning in his scent and I can't stop.
He pulls me closer to him and I lean further into the kiss, moaning softly at his taste. My hands snake their way around his body while his own hands lightly roam the curve of my back. I can't breathe and the heat is making me dizzy, making the world into one small scene of me and Sasuke, Sasuke and me. He's consuming me, taking everything that I am and making it his. It almost hurts, this feeling of submersion, of suffocating, of slipping.
He pulls away and breathes into my ear. "I thought I lost it a long time ago. But I found it when I found you."
Urgency pulls us forward again. I groan as Sasuke bites my lower lip and then sucks on it with an arousing intensity. His fingers are entangled in my hair, but they're pulling and twisting and gripping. I tip my head upwards in protest, but Sasuke only takes advantage by attacking my neck with his tongue, making swirls and sucking and kissing. I've forgotten how to feel anything other than the raging hormones and the need to touch more, get more, taste more..
Cold hands twisting the fabric of my shirt and heat traveling everywhere, from my toes to a pool of desire in my stomach to every inch of my lips, tongue, mouth.
"Naruto.."
I pull away, shaking, and stare straight into Sasuke's dark eyes that are maelstroms of darkness and lust.
Haven't I wanted this from the very beginning?
Without thinking, I lean my forehead on his shoulders and close my eyes from the sight of the snow covered ground. My hands slowly lower to my sides and I have to fight to breathe, to blink back the fear of being smothered by this whirlwind, this tempest of uncertainty. All the feelings that I've tried to control are pushing out of my body in ragged breaths - the violent lust, the sickening memories, a black hole of slipping, falling, losing myself.
If I've wanted this for so long, then why am I stopping?
Sasuke suddenly takes my hand and guides it to his right chest. Surprised, I look up at his face only to be pushed closer, so close that my hand is between our two chests.
"Do you feel it, Naruto?"
A heartbeat.
And then two.
"I took your friend, your dignity, and your reason to live. But in the process, I also took your own heartbeats, your own soul. Did you mean for that to happen?"
I try to take my hand away, but Sasuke only tightens his grasp. Sighing, I close my eyes and listen until I find the right answer.
"I didn't know what to think of you, teme. All I knew was that you only wanted me for Kyuubi and that you smirked too much. At first, I just wanted to see you lose your cool. I tried.. Tried to get you to feel."
I wonder if I'm going to hate myself for saying the next words, but I barrel on anyway.
"I wanted to see you smile, because you needed to. Maybe it was the stick up your ass or the way you ignored and hated every fiber of my being.. Either way, it made me realize how alone you were in your own sins."
"Sins?" Sasuke jaw hardens. "What would you know of sins?"
"Plenty," I whisper with a small grin. "I think I've managed to make every religion hate my existence."
Sasuke raises an eyebrow. "I wouldn't be surprised."
We stay like that for a few seconds before I withdraw my hand and raise my head to meet Sasuke's gaze.
"I don't blame you, you know."
"For what?"
Kiba's face flashes through my mind as do Sasuke's insults, sneers, rejections. But they all leave, so that I'm left with nothing but the present.
"For anything."
Sasuke's face softens and it's a moment before he silently wraps an arm around my neck and grips me tightly. His hair brushes against my face while his breath is hot against my ear. He doesn't have to say anything, because his thoughts are my own.
I want you.
But I need you more.
xx
"You were with him, weren't you? Do you know how long we waited for you?"
Sai glares at me before pushing himself off the wall. Tension lines his jaw and I wince when he grabs my arm.
"I didn't mean to forget about you!" I exclaim while trying to loosen his grip. "Or Sakura-chan! I'm sorry I left so quickly, but.. But look! We won the Third Event!"
"I don't care about the Events!" Sai grits. "Don't you know that the only reason I participate anymore is because of you?"
I wince when he almost twists my arm. Sai immediately narrows his eyes and leans in closer towards me.
"So you really were with him?"
Sai's disgusted gaze jolts my anger and I struggle out of his grasp. "So what if I was? Look, I don't know what's between you two, but you need to leave me out of it."
It's like my words aren't even registering.
"You reek of him."
"Sai.."
"You've disappointed me, Naruto. You're nothing more than a fragment of this entire lie." He shakes his head, scornful smile grazing the tip of his lips. "And to think.. All this time, I thought you were my precious person."
Those two words are more powerful than any grip, any glare, any punch to the stomach. Sai's precious person? But the thought is quickly submerged under an anger, a blind, desperate rage at realizing that finding Sasuke would mean losing Sai.
"You don't know what you've done, Naruto. You can't know." He shakes his head and all I want to do is rush at him, tackle him, beat some sense into his calm, stupid head. "There's nothing stopping me now."
I don't get it. But I don't have to understand in order to see the eyes retreating into emptiness, the smile losing its meaning. Everywhere I turn, there's something, someone that's depending on me. But it's only this moment that I feel the hopelessness and the pain of complete failure.
Loser.
Reject.
Failure.
Gaara, Kiba, and Sai. These are all the people that I've failed. And they were all mine, my own precious people.
My blood is boiling at a sickening rate while the air is crawling with something tainted and alien. I could stop this pain, this frightening pain, by letting Kyuubi finish what it started so long ago. Because that's all my past really was - a bloody mess of broken limbs and experimentation, a life of murder and deprecation. I could let it out, let it wreak destruction once and for all, let it foment in its own disgust and guilt and-
No.
The ground tilts dangerously, almost lurching me into vertigo, but I manage to find my hold on gravity. It's weird but I think I can feel the Mansion whispering to me, trying to feed me secrets and courage. But I don't need it, because I'm not the demon. I'm not Kyuubi.
Slowly, I raise my head and Sai smirks with condescension. But he's not expecting a clear punch that knocks him off his feet and lands him on the ground.
With a grin, I cross my arms and revel in the complete look of astonishment in Sai's face.
"Sorry, Sai. But I can't be your humanity. You're going to have to find it on your own."
He rubs his sore cheek and scowls, the perfect picture of discontent. "So you've chosen Sasuke over me? Is that how the great Uzumaki Naruto works?"
I shake my head and close my eyes.
"I'm not giving you my humanity, because I believe in you much more than I believe in Sasuke. You don't need me anymore."
A small song drifts into my mind, making me open my eyes and smile sadly. "I promise."
Sai stands and his eyes never leave mine. It's a long while before he nods then turns away from me, leaving me to stare at his back. It's strange how confident I feel about Sai. I know so little about him, yet.. Yet, I trusted him.
A loud crash suddenly reverberates through the hallway and I wince when I see Shikamaru almost thrown through a door, landing flat on his butt. He scowls when he sees us then stands up, brushing off the dirt on his pants.
"Troublesome drunks."
I turn back to Sai, but he's gone. Shrugging, I walk to Shikamaru and cast a glance at the room. "What's going on?"
"Well, when you never came back, the idiots over there figured that the villagers had gotten their hands on you."
I hear another crash and I scratch my head. "So they got drunk?"
"The kitchen was unlocked, the faculty was gone, and no one had won the Event. Apparently, your disappearance was the finishing touch."
Still a little puzzled, I walk over to the door and lean an ear against it. "Won't they get into a lot of trouble if they get caught?"
Giggles and hiccups float through the wood and I'm pretty sure that I can hear Rock Lee warbling a serenade to Sakura.
Shikamaru nods thoughtfully. "A fifty point deduction, if I'm not mistaken."
"Whhhat?" I jump away from the door faster than a jackrabbit. "Are they TRYING to get kicked out? Fifty points?"
"No one cares anymore. There's only one more Event left before this whole competition ends. You'd think that this would galvanize the teams... But the exact opposite is happening."
He shifts his gaze to the door behind me. "I'm guessing that the thought of losing isn't so much a threat as the thought of losing someone else." He blinks then focuses on me. "Naruto.. Surely, you've noticed this feeling of.. family."
As soon as Shikamaru says this, I hear more noises behind the door - proclamations of love from Rock Lee, Chouji's obnoxious munching, and the clinking of bottles.
"Of course I've noticed," I answer, looking down at my hands. "It was strange at first, because I never had a family.. But I think that this is the closest I'll ever get."
I look up and then punch a fist in the air. "Which is why I'll figure out a way for everyone to stay!"
Silence. Then.. "Do you remember when we first met, Naruto?"
Surprised, I glance at Shikamaru grinning nervously. "Yeah, I do. Why?"
Shikamaru puts his hands in his pockets. "I think I've finally found the real Uzumaki Naruto."
Happiness suddenly bursts through my body, like explosions, and I laugh before ducking my head in embarrassment. "Aw, come on, Shikamaru-kuuun! You're making me blush, ne?"
"It wasn't supposed to be a compliment," Shikamaru growls, but his lips are twitching. He waves his hands towards the door. "I suggest you go and calm the Drunken Brigade before they decide to do something even more idiotic. Tch."
I nod. "Okay. But, uh, what are you going to do now?"
"I've got to meet some people."
"Oh okay." I wave then turn away to open the door. But something stops me. "Shikamaru?"
"Hn."
"Please forgive me."
It only takes a second for Shikamaru to understand what I'm talking about.
"So you figured it out." He raises an eyebrow then shakes his head. "I'm surprised, Naruto."
"Well, I had some help from Ino. She and Sakura practically have the whole language of flowers memorized." I make a face. "It took forever just to get her to tell me anything."
"And? What did she tell you?"
"That hyacinths, in general, mean playfulness. But then I remembered that the hyacinths you were looking at were purple."
"..A plea for forgiveness."
"Exactly." I adjust my headband, remembering the desolate shadows lurking over the flowers, the sweet scent of memories in the garden, the image of Shikamaru's face - a twisting mix of sorrow and regret. "You know, Shikamaru.. You once told me that you never judged anyone. Does that include yourself?"
I don't need to know his story. It's the same as mine. The same as everyone else's.
Secrets. A story that's never been told. The ability to manipulate anything under the harmless illusion of safety.
Shikamaru smiles, sadly. "I'm glad it's you, Naruto, and not anyone else."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll see." He turns away and waves goodbye. "Once you figure out Sasuke's real reason to live.. You'll see."
xx
"NARUTO-KUN!"
A blur of green latches on to my leg and with wide eyes, I try to shake it off. Unfortunately, the blur of green is soon accompanied by pink hair, a giggling blob of purple, and potato chips sprinkling all over my hair.
"You. Guys. Are. Drunk." I grit, before whacking the green Spandexed thing in the forehead.
"W-WE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!"
"Yeah. We were like so scared and -hic- couldn't find you anywheres at all, nope, nuuu."
Ino starts cooing along with Sakura and they both start petting my hair like gorillas, nitpicking each potato chip crumb. The kitchen is a complete mess and there are pots and dishes lying everywhere. Rock Lee is still attached to my leg, but Shino is in the corner, gloomily muttering to a crack in the wall, and Hinata is hiccuping and blushing.
I shake my head. "What if the faculty catch you? And Sakura, I thought you really cared about points."
"I CARE!" Sakura yells as she tries to stand up then fails. "I CARE SO MUCH! ABOUT YOU! ABOUT SAI! EVEN ABOUT INO, WHO TRIED TO KILL ME FIFTY TIMES."
"Awwwww Sakura, you the best!" Ino wraps long arms around Sakura then tries to kiss her on the cheek.
"Ew, Ino, stop that!"
Ino pouts then withdraws her arms. "Still mad that I tried to kill you? Party pooper! Lazy asswipe!" She grabs a bottle of sake then attempts to pour it down Sakura's shirt. "No more fighting, no more fighting, lalala, lalala."
I'm disturbed, so I turn my head and focus on Rock Lee, who's still curled next to my leg. I poke him, but nothing happens.
"Rock Lee? Heelllooo?" I lean in closer when I hear him muttering something. "Rock Lee, what're you doing?"
"."
"Of what?"
"Can'tunderstandcan'tunderstandcan'tunderstand."
I sigh.
"SCAREDOFWHAT,ROCKLEE,SCAREDOFWHAT?"
He slowly looks up at me and I shudder when I see his raccoon eyes and haunted gaze. This isn't right. This broken image of Rock Lee doesn't belong under the kitchen lights, among the drunken giggles, besides a room full of heart.
"Menincloaksstretchingmylegs, myarms, mywholebody, menincloaks, menincloaks, menincloaks."
My eyes widen. "Wait, did you just say men in cloaks?"
"Butiwasbad, iwasbad, ikilledmysargeant, killedhim, sotheystretchedme."
I don't know if he's telling the truth, but the words freeze my blood. Was Rock Lee an experiment too? I look down at his green Spandex suit and that's when I realize how disproportionate his whole body is - the arms are too long, the chest too small.
"Rock Lee.." My throat is dry and the noises have disappeared, leaving only a hollow anger, a rising roar in my ears. "Rock Lee, are you saying.."
"Youth, youth, youth, Iwillalwaysbeyouthful, always, always." He thrusts a bottle of sake in my direction and his eyes are pleading, sinking. "Drink, drink, forget, forget, youthful, again."
I'm shaking, trying to control the urge to rip down the thread that ties us all together. Why? What was the purpose of wrecking so many people's lives and branding them as the worst kind of humans, the perfect criminals? It was sick, twisted..
I grab the sake and tip the bottle into my mouth. But it's empty and there's only the faint taste of something that I've never tasted before.
Revenge.
xx
The hallways are dark and the silence is reaching into my pounding heart and squeezing. I feel like I'm going to break from the rage, the realization that I'm helpless to the Akatsuki's brutality. When would it stop? How could I believe in hope if I carried the one thing that separated me from evil and light?
My feet are shuffling endlessly without a purpose or rhythm. Darkness everywhere, my head buzzing with each disadvantage that every orphan in the Mansion has..
It was all too cruel. Too hopeless.
"Naruto?"
I look up slowly and Iruka's face shifts from surprise to worry.
"Naruto? What are you doing here? Why aren't you in bed yet?"
Demons grabbing every fear and hurling them in my face. Rock Lee's face contorted into happiness, cheerfully ignoring the destruction of youth. Sakura and Ino, normal until they'd been chosen for this sick manipulation.
"I can't stop them."
"What are you talking about, Naruto? Stop who? For crying out loud, I want you back in bed-"
"The Akatsuki."
Iruka abruptly stops and repeats hesitantly. "The Akatsuki?"
"It's already over. There's nothing I can do." I want to throw up, forget the bloody days when I killed for fun, when I was once exactly like them. "How can I stop them? It's impossible."
"We stop them by remembering who we really are." Iruka steps forward and he's confident, determined. "It's not just you, Naruto. The Akatsuki once took away my home and threw me into Kyuubi Island."
Surprised, I look straight into Iruka's brown eyes. "You..?"
"Back then, the Akatsuki didn't have a name. They were part of the government, twisting strings in the background and hiding Konoha's shameful secrets. I was one of those secrets."
"But.. You couldn't have.. No one leaves the Island.."
"Kakashi and I did."
I'm still shaking, still wrapping my mind around the web of stories and interlocking pieces of the puzzle. There is too much, so much, that I can't fall, can't fail.
"We're the survivors, Naruto.
I smile. "The last chance."
Iruka smiles back at me and he grips my hand, offering all the comfort that he can give. It's like he's telling that if I fall, he'll fall with me.
"It's not over. Not now, not ever."
xx
I used to be like Naruto.
An orphan, a troublemaker, a rebel against the peace. When I got to my sixteenth orphanage, I gave up and made it my home. I had everything - a family, friends, security. But then I stumbled upon one of the Akatsuki's sick experiments. Rather than using me as the next one, they burned down the orphanage, killed the other witnesses, and dumped me in the Island.
I lost everything. My heart, my smile, my humanity. Just like Naruto.
It's funny. In the end, we're all just disadvantaged children.
-Iruka
xx
AN: Writing romance is so intimidating.
Sai is still my favorite. He's just conflicted. As usual. He'll get over it. Hopefully. I hope no one minds that nothing happened in this chapter. D: Just a further explanation on everyone's mindset and how Sasuke isn't the only one with a burning hatred for the Akatsuki.
Read and review! Thanks.
