Chapter 29: Different Kinds of Stupid
I don't know how to describe what happens next. I feel as though reality fades in and out and the bits I do catch are all fuzzy and distorted. Yakov is there, I feel him grabbing my arm and his muddled voice is yelling at me while a stranger's voice speaks more calmly.
"Vitya, listen to what they tell you to do!"
"You must hold still, Mr. Nikiforov. You'll feel just a little pinch."
Damn it! I know what that is.
"Ugh, stop! Take it out!"
"Maybe you will need to use restraints," Yakov suggests.
"What is that?" I pant as something touches my upper lip.
"It's just a little oxygen. Relax and breathe normally."
Oh, breathe normally while people are holding me down and jabbing me with sharp things. That would be funny if I wasn't here. I really hate hospitals. I especially hate needles. I'm not forgiving Yakov for this.
I still can't get my eyes to focus, so I just close them and try to get comfortable. I think I fade out for awhile, because when I become aware again, there is a nurse in the room with us.
"I'm cold."
"I'll bring you a warmed blanket," a woman's voice says.
"Could you bring more pillows too?"
"Of course, Mr. Nikifiorov."
I usually sleep with Maccachin, with Yuuri or with a lot of pillows to curl around. The bed isn't very comfortable, but once there are more pillows, I can finally relax and I start to drift off. Unfortunately, my head is clearing now, and it's starting to ache. So, since it's hard to fall asleep, I try to listen as Yakov talks to the doctor.
"It was, most likely, the amount he had to drink and then the physical exertion that caused it. But the oxygen and fluids should help him recover. We will just need to monitor him to make sure there are no breathing problems. The greatest danger in these cases is that breathing problems or choking can occur and they can have deadly consequences."
The room gets quiet for a moment.
"Mr. Feltsman, has Victor ever seen a counselor for his alcoholism?" the doctor asks.
"No. I was aware as Vitya was growing older, that he did drink, but until recently, he seemed in control of himself. The past couple of years, he's been different."
"Do you think it's possible that he is suffering from depression?"
"Yes, I would say that right now, he is," Yakov answers, "And yesterday was a very difficult day for him, which is why he went beyond his limits."
"Hmm. Do you think he will be receptive to rehabilitation?"
"Who knows? Vitya is very stubborn, and he usually does things his own way. But…this time, I will put my foot down with him."
"You think you can convince him?"
"I think Vitya knows the stakes are high. If this continues, his body will not hold up to the demands of competition. Skating is everything to him, so if he knows that he can't skate unless he confronts it, I think he will confront it."
"Very well. I will make some recommendations and have them sent to his regular doctor."
"Thank you."
"Victor needs to thank you. If not for you getting him here so quickly when he collapsed and having his permission for you to act on his behalf, we could be facing a much worse situation."
"Hmm."
I wait as the doctor leaves, then I feel Yakov's fingers in my hair.
"You're so much trouble, even when I'm not coaching you, Vitya. You are a genius on the ice, but off of it you are unbelievably…"
"Stupid?" I ask, opening an eye to look at him, "I know."
I think he just growled at me.
"When can I go home, Yakov?" I ask tiredly, "I can't sleep well here."
His scowl gets more pronounced.
"Were you listening the whole time?"
"Yes. I told you, it's hard to sleep and my vision was still very fuzzy, so I was just closing my eyes."
"Hmm, but you know what I'm going to tell you, don't you?" he says, crossing his arms.
"What? That you'll quit coaching me if I don't behave and go to rehabilitation?" I ask, smirking.
I suddenly realize I've crossed the line with him when he grabs the front of my hospital gown and brings his face close to mine. And he swears at me and insults me a few times before calming down enough to talk normally again.
"You think this is a goddamned joke, Vitya?" he shouts, "You could be lying here dead, if I hadn't been there! Do you understand that? You were stupid and reckless and you could have died! You are still in danger of killing yourself this way if you do not…"
"Fine. I'll go to rehabilitation after the finals," I promise him, "I just need to see Yuuri through the finals, and…"
I stop because I'm looking at the clock on the wall, and I suddenly realized I don't even know how long I've been here.
"Yakov, when did I get here?"
He lets go of my hospital gown and sits back in the chair he's in.
"Last night."
"Last night? But that means that…"
"I took Yuuri to practice at the private rink," he tells me, "and I made sure that nothing about this got into the news. You're here under an alias and no one knows anything about it."
"Is Yuuri angry at me?"
"I didn't tell him. I thought you should tell him, if you want him to know."
"Ah," I say, sitting up and rubbing my chin while I think, "It might be better if he didn't. But, what did you tell Yuuri?"
"Well, first I told him that his short program was pathetic, and that if he wanted to have any chance of winning, he needed to wake up and skate like he wants to win."
I can't help smiling at that.
"Then, I told him that you were resting and you would be coming home this afternoon. He's waiting for you at the hotel. You'll be released as soon as you've spoken with your doctor and a drug counselor. Luckily for you, you should probably be able to have outpatient rehabilitation…that is, if you can follow their directions. I won't hold my breath, of course, because you are such a stubborn mule."
I can see as he says it that he's worried again, so I hug him tightly.
"I'm sorry."
He frowns and gives me a curious look.
"For making you worry too much. You're right that I'm stupid and stubborn and I don't listen to anything you say."
I don't know why, but I feel sad and only hugging him and resting my head on his shoulder makes that feeling less heavy.
"Do you think that's why no one will stay with me?" I ask him, "Am I really so horrible?"
I feel him give a small exhale and he pats my back like I'm a little kid or something.
"You're a handful, but the ones who leave you are the ones making a mistake. Especially that ridiculous boy you're so stressed out over."
"You just said I'm horrible. How is that their fault? How is it Yuuri's fault?"
I don't know if I've ever seen Yakov smile the way he does when I say that.
"All of us are pretty horrible sometimes. We're stupid. We're careless. We make mistakes. That's how we learn to be better people. Just because you're an ice prince and everyone thinks you're a god, that doesn't make you a god. You are just a person, like they are. I think the only partner you've had who likes that about you is Yuuri Katsuki. Maybe because he's as stupid as you are…just a different kind of stupid."
That gives me a lot to think about.
I start thinking about it as Yakov leaves, and I keep thinking about it as all of my vital signs are checked, as I sit with the doctor and counselor to talk, then as I'm discharged and a car is brought to the back of the hospital to drive me back to the hotel. I keep thinking as I ride the elevator up, and as I walk to the hotel room door.
Yakov said that this is when I need to fight, and I agree that's true. But, Yuuri has only tomorrow and the final public practice to prepare for the free skate, and I'll be damned if I'm going to be the reason he chokes on his nerves and fails again. I left competition so that I could make him win. And even though he says he will leave me when it's over, I still want Yuuri to win.
I will focus us on that.
I start to fish out my room key, then realize I forgot to take it with me. I sigh and start to turn back to go and get another, but at that moment, the door to the room opens and Yuuri almost runs into me. He stops in front of me, and looks at me like he isn't sure I'm real.
"V-victor?"
"Why do you look so surprised?" I ask, giving him a tired smile, "Yakov told you I was coming, didn't he?"
"Yeah, but he said this afternoon. It got dark and I was worried. I texted Yakov and you, but…"
"I'm sorry, Yuuri. I had my phone turned off while I was sleeping and I guess I forgot to turn it back on."
"It's fine. Are you hungry? I was about to go out and get something, but we can just order over the phone, if you want."
"Why don't you go ahead and order us something?" I suggest, "I need to shower and change."
"Okay."
I find the pajamas I always bring, but usually never wear and head into the bathroom. I freeze for a moment at the door, then lock it. The rushing of the shower water is loud, so I don't know if he tries to come in as I bathe and change. When I come out of the bathroom, Yuuri's sitting on his bed and sorting out the food he ordered for us.
"I think I ordered yours the way you like it," he says hopefully.
"I'm sure it's fine."
I keep thinking as we eat in silence. I feel Yuuri's eyes on me from time to time, but I avoid looking back at him.
I know I have to say something, but what? Yakov said to fight for it, but how do I fight when doing that could undermine Yuuri's confidence at such a critical time?
"Victor, what's that?"
I didn't know, but the sleeve of my pajama top slid up and the bruise and needle mark on my arm are in plain sight. Yuuri looks scared. I pull the sleeve down again and keep eating.
"It's nothing you need to worry about."
"What are you talking about?" he asks, looking like he's about to cry, "Something did happen last night, didn't it? I know you don't want to tell me."
"But you won't be able to concentrate on anything else until you know," I conclude.
How do I tell him without making things worse?
"You…weren't with Yakov last night, were you?" he asks anxiously, "What happened to you, Victor? I can see you had an IV, so…why?"
"I was with Yakov," I explain, trying to stay calm enough for both of us, "I just…drank too much, then overexerted myself. Yakov took me to get emergency care, and they used an IV and gave me oxygen. I'm fine now, Yuuri."
"You don't look fine. I knew it," he says in a shaky voice, and tears leaking onto his face, "This is my fault!"
"No," I say firmly, looking at him directly, "I drank too much because I am an alcoholic and I got depressed. I made a bad choice to put on skates and exert myself while I was that way and my body had a bad reaction. You didn't choose for any of that to happen…"
"But I'm the reason you were depressed."
"And if it didn't happen now, it would have happened later. I'll say it again. I'm an alcoholic and that's always a danger. I'm going to have rehabilitation when I go home to Russia. There isn't anything you need to worry about. And it's nothing that you should have to deal with."
"What are you talking about?" he snaps, rubbing his eyes, "Look, whatever problems we have, I still love you, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you!"
"Yuuri, I know that. You have to put all of this out of your head. You have an important day coming up, and I want to give you every chance to win. You can't do that if you are worried about other things…so I'm going to ask you to do something."
I set aside my food and join him, sitting on his bed. He looks like expects me to say something bad to him.
"For you to win the Grand Prix Finals," I say, taking his hands in mine, "you have to have no distractions, and that means that you can't let yourself worry about anything. You have to trust me when I tell you that I am going to rehabilitation and I am not going to drink any alcohol for the rest of the time we're here. I will be cranky and jittery, because that comes with withdrawal from alcohol abuse. I may not sleep well, but I will be all right. All of that is expected. I want you to focus on doing your best."
"I will," Yuuri promises, "I really want to win gold."
"I want that too," I assure him, "Now, you should probably get a good night's sleep, because we're going to be up early for training. Yakov has arranged for us to have private ice time until the day of the free skate. You're going to nail down that quad flip if it's the last thing you do. Everything else in your program has been well executed."
"Okay, I promise I'll do my best," Yuuri said determinedly.
"Good, that's what I like to hear."
At least he's starting to sound more like himself. He was so out of sorts before. I just have to keep Yuuri calm and focused.
I let go of his hands and start to go back to my bed.
"Victor?"
"Yes, Yuuri."
He takes a quivering breath and his hands are nervously clasping.
"I don't want to…upset you…"
I give him a weary look.
"What do you need?"
"I know it's really selfish, but…I need to feel you are close to me, so I can sleep."
That will be hard, because I might still have some problems from what happened last night, but…
I give him a little smile and a nod.
"If it will make you sleep better, it's fine."
I move over to curl up with him and rest my head on his shoulder.
"Is that better, Yuuri?"
"Mmhmm," he answers, running his fingers through my hair, "I couldn't sleep at all last night, after you left. Even when Yakov texted me to say you were staying with him, I still couldn't sleep."
"I'm here now, and I'll be here for you for the rest of the time we're here."
And somehow…some way, I will convince you not to leave me. I don't know yet how to do that, but I will think of something. Everything I love in this life depends on that, and I won't let you or myself down.
I promise you, Yuuri Katsuki, I am not giving up on either one of us!
