Chapter 29: System Shock


Acceptance was common for me now. Compliance, the very thing Raven told us to fight against, was now my greatest ally. Lost in a mist of neon and lights, I found myself drifting through a beautiful hell; my own destruction marred by the sterile environments that encapsulated my existence. This was my stand and I had no idea yet.

My whole outlook had changed after the meeting with Raven. Our goals and purpose for being here had all been irreversibly altered to the point that I did not recognize the extent of my usefulness. Raven had declared me a hero when I swore my oath of allegiance. He called me one of his chosen disciples that would lead the galaxy into a new age. But did I feel honoured like I had in the past? No. I felt dirty, used, and mistreated by too many people. The Alliance used me to kill their enemies, the Council used me against the Reapers to retain their impervious society, Kirrahe had used my weakened state to clean up the galaxy, Raven had used me to perfect his vision of the universe, and Thionan had used my friendship so that he could become useful in the eyes of the Hierarchy. It all made sense to me now. Only after all these events did I realize how utterly alone I was.

And I basked in it.

The next few days were filled with meetings and organization. I had been given a division that I was in charge of and, I will admit, the role had a staggering amount of responsibility to it. Being trapped in this hell I absorbed myself in my work, not speaking to anyone and only functioning to further move Raven's plans along. Though I would never fight with my squad, only train and grow them, I felt attached. Raven must have noted my sour mood and given me this position to ease my mind (I can assume this was his reasoning for he told me that the squadron was originally to be under Thionan's command). I, by killing my friend, had been given a promotion.

I still don't know how I feel about that.

Days passed and I had not seen a soul. This distressed me a little but seemed to bother Geisha more, who took to visiting me while I worked in my room. She would sit by my bed eating, reading, or even sleeping; sometimes casually looked up from whatever she was doing in my direction. She never spoke or initiated conversation unless I approached her first and she always left at around eleven o'clock for her room. I became accustomed to the routine, attached to her presence near me while I meditated on numbers and statistics. This simple life we good until Geisha arrived with news.

"Raven wishes to meet with all his senior officers," she said, her hand on the edge of the door as she watched me work.

"Did he say what for?" I responded, my tone completely level and my eyes never leaving my desk.

"No, he only said it was urgent."

"Urgent?"

"Yes."

I considered that. What purpose did Raven have for me now? My mind raced for answers but found none. Perhaps his need for me was justifiable. Maybe he wanted to confide in an old friend. That thought kept me going and convinced me to leave my work.

Geisha joined me as we walked towards the location that Raven had specified. Why he had sent Geisha to give the message to me rather than passing the message on through my omni-tool was baffling, so I decided to ask her about it.

"I don't know, maybe he did not have time to create a message," she explained. That could be true but the idea did not sit well with me. What could he be so busy with that required so much of his attention that he could not write a simple message? "At least it allows us to talk again." Then it clicked. Her comment made me realize why Raven had done such a thing. He wanted Geisha and I to talk. Why he wanted this, I will never know.

"Talk?" I asked, trying to pay attention to the goals ahead of me and not to the relationship.

"Yes Shade, talk. You know, what couples do?"

"I never realized we were a 'couple'," I replied starkly, only realizing the brutality of the comment after I had said it. Dammit Shade, why did you say such a stupid thing? "Look, I'm sorry Geisha—"

"Is that what this is to you? Insignificant?" She shook her head as she spoke. "To think I could even accept myself being with you—"

"Now hold on there," I asserted. She continued.

"Love… it is a game for the organic, for the living. I am neither of these. I do not understand why I thought I could trick myself into being one—"

"You are being irrational—"

"No, you are." Her statement caused me to stop in the hall, my voice filling with anger.

"Listen, you understand how I feel about you. You also understand that what you are saying is complete bullshit."

"Yet you continue to treat this relationship like it means nothing. How many times have I sat in your room, only acknowledged by you when I enter or leave? There was not a moment when you looked to me with love or compassion. I have been by your side and I understand what you are going through, but for God's sake, Shade!"

"Maybe you are the organic one," I countered, my eyes blazing. "Perhaps I am the synthetic one; my emotions fake and replaceable." My face contorted in frustration. "I cannot show love because I have lost the compulsion to do so. Everything to me is an act, some damn puppet show that I have to play to continue. I can't do it anymore!"

"Then don't," replied Geisha as she placed her hands on my cheeks. Her eyes stared directly into mine. "Don't try to hide yourself, Shade. You told me that yourself. Follow your own words."

How could I agree with her when the only things that my words had given me were frustration and misery? How could I function knowing that my existence had been created by my ignorance and compliance? Seeing the death and betrayal like I had, I couldn't believe in myself anymore. But, through this misery, I found light: Geisha.

My words started to form. What I was trying to say I completely forgot, but what I do remember was what she did. Her lips pressed into mine and we kissed, plain and simply. It was short, sweet, and something that I could undeniably say was average. There was no electric pulse between our exterior flesh, no riveting sensation for me to take her there. No, instead I got a simple display of love from a being that I had decreed more human than I.

To this day I still feel like she was human.

"Do you know what that was?" she asked once we parted. I did not know. "That was a promise, Shade. You brought me out and showed me that living, real living, was possible for a synthetic being like myself. With such emotion and strength you professed yourself to me and came when I was alone. Now… now it seems like you are lost to me; some blank slate that only resembles the exterior, not the interior." The perfect female turned her face away and shook her head. I bet she wished she could cry then. "I will not be following you to where Raven wants you. But I will be back in your room when you are finished." Her gaze left the floor and met mine. "Don't keep me waiting," she stated with a smirk before leaving me in that hall.

Maybe… maybe there was a chance at living. Though the future was bleak and my presence in Raven's galaxy uncertain, I knew that Geisha would always be there beside me. It was childish, it was silly, but it was something that kept me going. That was all I needed: someone to be there for me with no strings attached.

I took this exuberant mood to the meeting place where Raven had arranged. It was before the Presidium's great elevator. Apparently Raven was having a private meeting with the Council.

"You and your team have a simple job," explained Raven as he stood beside me and before my crew. "Make sure that this entrance is secure. In this time of danger and mistrust we must be certain that our great leaders are not hurt." A few cheers came from the group and I could not help but smile at their faces. They were so eager, so excited to serve justice in the galaxy. Raven had used that enthusiasm with others before; I knew his enticing words all too well.

"Shade, you know what to do," was his parting words as he patted my shoulder and left via the elevator.

I looked to my squad, each bright eyed and excited just like I had been. It was the first time I had ever gazed upon each individual with my own two eyes. They were no longer statistics or digits to me. They were real people who breathed and experienced life in all its wonder. They were also recruits, something that I realized just as I met them. They probably joined because of Raven's speeches, I surmised, looking at the distance faces. I could see myself in that group. I understand how they feel.

"You heard him, men," I shouted to the soldiers around me. "Take to your positions around this entrance. Make this an impenetrable perimeter. Don't attract attention but be prepared for anything." My order was short and blunt, promising nothing more than a simple drill. However, the men took to it with enthusiasm that bothered me greatly as I did not want them to be struck with my affliction. I wanted them to think for themselves. But they didn't.

As I walked around I noticed a young boy sitting on the edge of a small garden. His gaze was set towards the lolling sky cars that whizzed about on pockets of air. A sharp smile settled on his face and I asked him why he was alone. "Am I disobeying orders, sir?"

"You are not," I replied.

"Then I will stay here, if you don't mind."

I didn't. "How old are you, son?" I asked gruffly.

"Seventeen," he said.

"Seventeen," I stated again, letting the number settle on my lips. That was young, far too young. "Why did you join this task force then? Shouldn't you be out with young girls?"

"I should."

"Then why aren't you?"

"Justice." My brow folded in confusion. "Justice is what keeps me here." He toyed with the gun in his hands. It looked uncomfortably large. "When he speaks… our leader, that is. I feel this great spark ignite in me like I need to follow and save this broken universe." The boy sighed briefly. "My parents died by batarians during the reconstruction period."

"I'm sorry," was all I could say.

"You don't need to say that, you didn't cause it." He shook his head. "No, usually I would accept the reason for their deaths was normal. I mean, batarians have always hated humans. Why should my parents be an exception? Instead I am angry that the bastards got away." His hands tightened around the barrel of his rifle. "The Council desired peace then couldn't risk a batarian rebellion, especially with the situation as it was. If the batarians started to attack the weakened Council races then it would have all been over. Only a small fraction of the Hegemony's forces helped on Earth so they were stronger then all us." The boy straightened his back and lifted his gaze. "I do not understand politics. I am a simple farm boy raised on the colony of Olor, how could I possibly know what justice is? But, in my heart, I can tell that what the Council did was wrong. They were covering their asses, defending their hides. I don't care about galactic stability, I care about the law being upheld!" Tears started to form under the boy's lids. "That was why I joined him. He understood it all."

Months ago, when I was with Kirrahe, I would have agreed with the boy. I would have shouted, "You're right, let's get the bastards!" But now… now I couldn't. Too much had changed, I saw the galaxy in a different light. No one was bloodless and no one was without sin. Instead of a dark and dismal place I saw people trying to do what was best for everyone. So much hatred and anger filled this boy's heart, it frightened me only because it was familiar.

A shadow crept over my shoulder and across the boy's sullen body. Looking towards it I spied the watchful drell whose eyes flickered about his surroundings. "He requests you."

My eyes squinted. "Who?"

"My god."

I immediately understood. "I will be back in a few minutes, tell Officer Glades that he is in charge now." The boy, pressing his eyes tightly closed to suppress the heavy emotions that haunted him, threw himself from his perch and walked towards the designated official. He gave me a salute before he left. I hated that gesture.

I matched Siphon's stride as I followed him to the elevator. Not many in my squad had seen the drell before and they all turned their heads at his presence. Noting this, I followed until we both stopped inside the elevator to the Presidium and the glass panel locked us in. We started to ascend.

"It seems like you haven't been around a lot of the new recruits," I say without any purpose.

"Indeed."

"I suppose you are not going to tell me why Raven wants to see me either."

"Indeed."

I sighed. "Look, Siphon—"

"What is it Shade?" he interrupted darkly. "I do not wish to be near you but my god indulges that I do so. If you could stop with your pandering questions that would be appreciated."

His tone was sharp and his patience appallingly thin. There was something more going on here, I could tell. "Raven's bothering you, isn't he?" The drell did not respond. "That explains it then. You are in conflict with your religious ideals—"

Quickly, before I could utter another sound or even take another breath, I was pinned to the wall. My head bashed against the metal causing me to blink in pain. Siphon was holding my arms roughly, not allowing me to retaliate. "You do not speak of him like that." I gritted my teeth, trying to roll out of his grasp yet failing at every jolt. "You do not understand his methods or his ways. He brought me out of darkness, out of my sinful light; saved me from the trial that I placed upon myself for the sin in my heart."

"Trial?" I managed to question before being pushed against the wall again.

"A drell's sacred duty is to its hanar. Mine was not fit to live in this world." There was nothing in the drell's onyx eyes. No emotion to speak of. Deep apathy flowed through this lizard's actions and it was as if I was staring into an endless abyss. "Raven may be a man to you, but he is my passage to divine chastity."

"He is a man," I stated sullenly. "No more a man of flesh than your or I."

We stared at each other for a few more moments, the sound of mechanical contraptions roaring around our sealed prison. The drell's grip loosened, his body stiffened once again, and I was soon free to move. My body was mine to control and I received the great urge to thrust myself upon the creature in revenge. I abstained this course, realizing that this would do no good for my situation. Siphon cared little for my existence, I did not need to worry about my honour around him.

We reached our destination with a rough jolt. I recovered from this gravitational displacement to gaze across at the opening to the Council's Meeting Chambers where soft gardens of amber flanked the road. Only a flight of stairs remained between me and my destination set by Raven. Turning to the drell I wish I could have said something to ease my burdened mind. Nothing came though and I left wordlessly, the great glass doors sealing me out and sealing the pious creature in who descended down again.

A great marble fountain greeted my entrance into the area with Finnegan sitting on its side. His hand was twitching and his mouth was working around a skinny cigarette which was bellowing thin smoke. The movements from his lips seemed to work out to unintelligible gibberish. His skin was horrifically pale and placid. Shock was written across his expression. As I drew closer to him the wafting stench of filth washed over me and I felt sick.

"Raven brought you?" I nodded. "You can smell it to then, you don't have to see it." The breath that wisped from his lips was thick with sweat and vomit. "I suggest you turn back now, Shade. Do… do… fuck it!" Finnegan threw the cigarette to the ground and stamped it out. His hands were shaking now. This lasted for a few moments until the human removed his boot and stared at the crushed drug underneath his feet. Into his pockets his hands dived, finding another illusive cigarette and a small lighter that he used to conjure a flame before the white stick. Smoke bellowed again as he exhaled.

I had never seen Finnegan this scared.

"I'll be off then," I replied, trying to find a suitable end to the conversation instead of his ominous warning. He did not try to speak to me again, only stared at the flattened fag before him.

I climbed the stairs, awaiting some horrific sight and preparing myself for it. Each step took effort but I trudged on, wanting to discover what was being kept in this large gathering place. Higher and higher I rose, the great light of the beautifully stained glass drifting around my form as I reached the top of the stairs. I could not make out the sight so I took a few steps closer. The wave of decay washed over me again as I looked to the scene before me.

I vomited on the floor which alerted the geth who walked about the room.

The geth. Those damn machines painted in the colourful gore of the chancellors.

The krogan, Chancellor Leven, was placed on a small buffet table with his stomach burst open. His organs and entrails were scattered about on plates around him as if he was being served to the guest of this horrific party. His open ribcage oozing gore was the centerpiece to this demonic masterpiece.

The quarian, Chancellor Raan, was tied to a chair where her skin was peeled off meticulously. All that remained was the muscle and her eyes which held the unimaginable fear of being tortured alive. Her hair was shaved and scattered around her feet.

The asari, Chancellor Firania, was stabbed to death by glistening jewels that were sullied by her blood. Shards of mirror and glass ripped apart her face that was shredded into think rivulets of skin. Her skull could be seen past the gruesome exterior.

The human, Chancellor Kain, had been force fed small credit chits and rose petals. His eyes bulged and twisted out in agony at the scene, blood slowly dripping from his ripped lips and throat.

The turian, Chancellor Verluck, was hanging above the scene like a demented scarecrow. His arms were outstretched out and his hands were pierced into the wooden blocks suspending him with sharp pieces of wood. He had not died fully before this crucifixion occurred.

Finally, standing before this horrific abstract portrait, was Raven looking around the room. He was standing perfectly still like a sculptor admiring his art in earnest. I could not withhold my stomach's contents any further as I lurched down to spew my insides onto the floor. My suffering alerted Raven who merely grinned at my presence. "Do you like it, Shade?" he uttered hoarsely.

Like it? Were those the words he spoke to me? I could not believe the sight, the horrific intensity that I never knew could have such an effect on me. I'm a soldier, I've seen some shit. But this… this was a whole other level. "I…I…," I stammered, trying to put into words exactly what I felt.

Raven decided to speak on, regardless of my thoughts. "It's a perfect portrait of the old society we have all grown accustomed to. The deadly sins of man seem to have slithered onto the backs of the Council. All these horrors are finally slain and displayed before us." His hands glided to his hips. "The geth will take credit for this masterpiece. This will be the event which will beginning our new union. Galactic stability is at hand. Now all we need is the conduit to secure our ascension." His gaze darkened as he turned to face me. "All that is required now is the cleansing. Go to your room and sleep with your love, Shade. Tonight my dream will finally be fulfilled."

You do not need to hear what I did, for if you have been paying attention to my tale you should know what my choice was at that moment. In that mindset, there was no other choice.

Walking back, I could barely think. Raven's cleansing, his words, "the sight of the chancellors' sins displayed before me"? My mind was fractured. Yeah, that's a good word for it. Fractured and shattered beyond repair.

A few more steps and I found myself at the door to my room. The metal sheet that prevented entrance now all the more isolating and mechanical. What did I think of this situation? What could I think of this situation? Raven was my savior, he had brought me out of the hell that was my life. I had said that this galaxy was boring, that complacency and the removal of dignity had striped all that I believed in. Now I stood before the uncanny valley, my dreams whispering for me to fall. Fall, they called. Fall and enter my embrace. This was the future you wished for, wasn't it? Now all you have to do is collapse and accept my tender hands. Do not think. Do not fight. Just fall.

"Shade?" The voice broke me from my trace. Geisha was before me, her perfect form accented by the artificial lights surrounding her. All she wore was a simple bed dress. This picture clashed with all preconceived notions I had of her. The artificial woman's head cocked slightly. "What's wrong?"

I did not need to speak, I simply entered into the room and sat on the foot of the bed. My hands were clasped before me and my gaze was directed to the floor. Everything was quiet. "Shade, you're scaring me now." Scaring her? How could I scare her if she was mechanical? And how could she love me? How could I exist in a world with her where I did not understand my feelings about myself? How could I live and breathe and understand—? "Shade!" she exclaimed suddenly, breaking my thoughts.

"What?" I questioned, monotone.

"What did Raven want you to see? Is that what is bothering you?"

I did not try to hide the truth from her. "Yes."

"And?"

My tongue grazed my lips, thoughts of what to say next flooded through my brain. I looked up and saw her, beautiful, lovely, and above all, caring. In that moment, I decided to let my constant thoughts and worries aside and simply speak to her. "He… Raven, well he…" My eyes pressed shut as I inhaled deeply. "He killed the Council."

"What?" she muttered, shocked.

"He butchered them, hung them like meat on hooks. Gore and entrails were slack across the floor I… I… I…" Tears were forming now and I threw my head into my hands. There was so much attacking me, so many voices telling me to accept my fate. This was my life, why should I question my new existence. Isn't this what I wanted? To fall and let someone else control my destiny?

This maddening collision of ideals and memories sickened me, causing me to break and collapse under its weight. Fall, the voices demanded. Fall and give in. Let us give you the existence you desire. Then, as if by divine adoration, a hand fell on my shoulders and I looked up from my own hands.

Geisha.

"Be here with me, now." I did not understand. "Forget all that has happened, do not let the worries collapse your soul. Just be here, with me." My mouth tried to work into words, say something intelligible, but they could not. Instead my hands glided up her arms, softly caressing them until they reached her shoulders. Her robe was barely on before it was off and on the floor. Her perfect body lay open for me to see.

I did not hesitate, letting my hands work around her curves as my mouth lightly kissed her pale skin. She cooed out and my head lifted to meet hers. Our lips touched. I felt bliss.

As she fell on top of me, both of us maddeningly in love, the skies outside our room darkened into a deep amber. The Citadel had lost its deceptive hue and had now shown its true colours. All around shadows gave birth to the new cleansing, each eliciting a cry from the citizens who were unaware of the events that would transpire. Blood let into rivers as the sky shone onward in an eternal twilight. Cries were had as the world seemed to scream in triumph at the countless deaths in Raven's name.

But inside our perfect prison, as we kissed in the beating colours of autumn, we were at peace. We held each other passionately as the world outside turned to chaos.