Hawke climbed the stairs to the old Qunari compound. Dust and dirt kicked up under her feet from the lack of use over the years. In the absence of a viscount many things in Kirkwall were left unattended, and Hawke imagined it would be another few years before anyone bothered to reopen this section of the city.
Fenris followed in silence, watching in fascination as Hawke expertly unlocked the gates to the sealed off location. She had done this before he assumed, as she held the gate open just enough for him to slip by, and then shut and locked it behind them. Another one of her spots, he mused, that she would run away to when she needed time to herself. It was obvious in the way she strode through the now empty courtyard, up another unused flight of steps, and settled into the large bench previously occupied by the Arishok. "Come here often?" he asked, breaking the silence for the first time since Varania's departure.
Hawke nodded as she watched Fenris sit on the bench beside her. "The sound of the water is peaceful here without the noise and smell of the docks," she explained. "Even though they left so much carnage in their wake, they certainly took care of this place."
Fenris looked around and was impressed at how the compound now looked. With the exception of the large stone chair they both rested on, all evidence of the Qunari having been here was gone. Not even a hint of the fire pits that once would've served them for dinner and warmth shown on the clay stone beneath their feet. They knew the Qunari had planned the attack on the city for a long time, and it was apparent that they knew it would be their last stand. The lack of anything left behind was simply more evidence of a basic principle of the Qun: honor and respect.
Hawke reached under the bench and dragged out a small crate, popping it open with her dagger. Inside Fenris noticed several items of use and couldn't help the smile that dared to form on his lips. "Provisions?"
Hawke's face turned to his, a soft twinkle in her eye. "You're learning," she said as she removed a bottle of wine from the box. She slid it back into its place and opened the bottle, taking a long sip for herself before offering it to him. "'Always be prepared' my father used to say."
Fenris accepted her gift and brought the bottle to his lips, allowing the warm liquid to calm him. He was surprised he was suddenly nervous to be alone with Hawke. Perhaps it was the location; the complete isolation of the compound and its walls surrounding them. Or perhaps he knew that it was finally time they begin to address all the events of the last few days. Whatever was going on in Hawke's mind, Fenris allowed her to set the pace, trusting her to guide them both to some understanding.
"I had a dream last night," she began as he returned the bottle of wine to her. She indulged in another sip of courage before continuing. "More so a nightmare really. Months we were apart as I searched for you, and when I finally did find you, you had no memory of me." She didn't dare look at him to see his reaction, instead she focused on the morning sunrise above them. "It broke my heart," she spoke softly, "to have needed you for so long only to have you reject me."
Fenris shifted his position next to her, concentrating on the stone beneath his feet. "I'm sorry," he offered her, not knowing what else to say.
She responded to his apology with a sigh, not wanting him to feel guilty with her internal struggles of their current situation. "I think I realize now what the dream meant." She turned to look at him. "I was able to find you, regardless of the outcome. Now it's your turn to find your way back to me."
Fenris lifted his head to meet her eyes; not full of sadness as he feared seeing, but hinted towards something that he wasn't quite sure of. "I wasn't aware I was lost," he said before he realized that wasn't true. He was lost, unsure of everything that had been happening around him lately. His memories, his feelings towards a woman he no longer knew, and his wavering status with the woman before him. How did he not realize he was indeed already in the darkness he had feared, searching for a way back?
Hawke made no effort to correct him, seeing his thoughts find their way to the truth in his expression. Her patience with him was the one thing she knew he needed; pushing him to choose, or explain himself would do neither of them any good. She waited in silence for him admit it to himself as she passed the wine back to him.
Fenris held the bottle in his hand for a while, looking into it as if all the answers he needed could be found in the dark depths of the red liquid. It seemed every time he closed his eyes lately he was seeing the past, living in it, and then when he opened them she was there, waiting patiently for him as always. She had waited years for him, and when he finally managed to gather the courage to be with her again, the walls in his mind came crashing down. It wasn't fair to her. "You deserve more than I have been able to give," he said to her. "For that I apologize."
Hawke turned her position to face him more easily. "I don't want apologies Fenris," she explained to him, "and I've always understood you give me everything that you can." She thought for a moment, searching for the words to get through to him without pushing him. "Tell me what you need from me. If you wish for me to be by your side, I will, forever." The tears stung before she realized they were about to fall. "If you need me to walk away for a while, then tell me now so I don't make things harder for you, or hurt you more."
Fenris dared to look at her, a sudden panic stirring in his chest at the thought of her leaving him. How could she think she was hurting him? He knew it was the other way around, saw it clearly in the hovering tears that would spill should she blink her eyes. Anger replaced panic, hate for himself for doing this to her, making her think she had to set him free for the second time.
He stood and walked a few steps away, knowing that behind his back the tears would fall and then she'd wipe them quickly away so he wouldn't feel guilty. Countless times he was painfully aware that she suffered in silence, but would continue to put on a brave face for him so that he could work through what he needed to. Here she was again doing the same; willing to let him figure out what he needed to without the added pressure of their relationship.
Once again she would sacrifice her own needs for him.
He owed her the truth. The realization hit him harder than anything. He needed to tell her everything, the entire painful truth, and then beg for her to remain at his side.
~*~ ._.~`~._.*~*~*._.~`~._. ~*~
Her lips were soft on his as he pressed against them, hands still holding her face as his fingers tangled within her hair. Arielle didn't hold back in her response to his need, feeling her own tongue glide upon his when she closed her eyes. She knew he'd move to nibble at her lower lip next, felt his planning in his mind before his body followed through. Anders devoured the taste of her, the warmth of her breath upon his face as she breathed through her nose, allowing their mouths to remain connected. He wasn't as elegant; his panting growing louder as his need for her outweighed his need for air.
Her hands moved to the back of his head, nails grazing his scalp as she held on to him and buried her hands in his silky locks. She felt the tingling of his skin as her touch brought pleasurable bumps to the surface. She couldn't help but explore what he was feeling as he felt it under her touch, their reconnection enhancing all sensations. She moved a hand to his face and thumbed the short stubble of hair that shadowed his bottom cheek, and felt the softness of her touch increase his desire for her.
Anders pulled away slowly, dragging her bottom lip with him until it would stretch no further, and stared into those eyes he was forever lost in. "Do you see yourself as I do," he asked her, still holding her in place before him. "Do you feel what I feel for you?"
Arielle nodded, resting her forehead upon his gently, still holding him as well. "Do you understand that I can't," she whispered softly, immediately feeling the painful ache within his heart at her words. It was disorienting, the struggle and confusion building inside his mind. She tried to sort it out, make sense of it, distinguish it from her own inability to comprehend, but it was overwhelming her. She began to close herself off to him before it became too much.
Anders grip on her tightened as defiance swelled within him. "No," he said harshly, demanding her to stop. "You wanted me to search inside you for what wasn't there, now you will experience what is inside me without running away from it."
Arielle pulled her hands away from him but Anders didn't release her. The more she struggled under him the tighter he held on, compelling her to look at him as his emotions ran rampant. She attempted again to shut him out before falling into the depths of his soul, only to discover she was unable to. He was somehow keeping the connection open against her will. "Release me," she begged him, no longer struggling under his grasp but slowly falling into the depths within him.
"No," he repeated more softly this time, willing her to enter into him in the hopes she could find a way to love and be loved. "You must understand what it means to be alive, to be free."
~*~ ._.~`~._.*~*~*._.~`~._. ~*~
Fenris didn't turn to look at her as he began his confession, regretting having to do so. "That first night, when I began to remember, I ran like a coward. I wanted you to hate me. Yet every year that passed I wanted nothing more than to be with you again." He lowered his head in the shame he felt for having abandoned her on that night. It was a decision he still despised himself for. "When it happened again, I wanted it to be different."
"But it wasn't," Hawke continued for him. "You started to remember again."
He nodded, closing his eyes unbeknownst to her. The admission was difficult enough for him, the understanding in her voice made it even harder. "Flashes at first, pictures of another time." Of another woman. And then the feel of her. The taste of her. Fenris recalled it all vividly now. "That was the first time I remembered her, though I didn't know it was Arielle at the time."
Hawke kept her breath as steady as possible. She wanted to allow him this time to open up to her without judging him, but she couldn't help the brief stab to the heart at his revelation. Hoping her voice didn't betray her, she tried to make it easier for him. "I knew Fenris," she managed to say evenly. "I knew you were remembering something that night."
He turned to look at her. "We had agreed to stop if it happened…"
"I didn't mind," she admitted. "I wanted to be with you. I could tell something was happening but I didn't want to stop and you didn't seem to want to either."
"It was not fair to you," Fenris said sitting back down beside her.
She placed her hand on his to try and relieve some of his guilt. "I don't remember complaining," she joked honestly. "I woke up and you were still there. That was enough for me."
Fenris wasn't sure how to follow up, so instead he picked up the forgotten bottle of wine, wetting his drying mouth. Hawke was seemingly okay with his first admission, even though inside he still felt he betrayed her somehow, although unwillingly. He imagined she didn't want to know the details, so he decided to move on. "I dreamt that night, though I suppose now I can say it was another memory, of the last time I saw her before receiving my markings."
"What happened," Hawke asked, her hand still on his.
He shrugged. "We were caught; she was taken away, I was knocked out. After that is unclear, though I imagine the ritual was performed days later."
Pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. Now Hawke understood why Fenris was forced to endure what he did. A father's love? No, more like pride, torturing the servant that dared to touch his daughter and create a spectacle for the magister. "Punishment for the relationship," Hawke assumed out loud.
"I think so," Fenris confirmed. "Varania mentioned I fought for a position as his bodyguard," he continued, "a position that would bring my family's freedom."
"And you'd be closer to her," Hawke added what he obviously didn't want to tell her. He nodded, offering her the wine again. She accepted but held off on drinking any more, working through the details of his past in her head. "So you had already known her before you went to work for Danarius."
"Yes," he replied. "Varania says she was a part of our lives for years, though I can only recall a little." He held back from the details of what he knew, concern for Hawke's feelings weighing heavily on his mind. She didn't need to know that he remembered how they met, or their first kiss, the details of their first time together. But there was one other thing he had to tell her, needed to say out loud so she would understand his need to protect Arielle. "The night Danarius found us together, the last time I saw her, she lied to him, told him she was using me."
"She was trying to protect you," Hawke assumed, knowing if put in the same situation she'd try to do the same.
"I decided we were going to hide no longer," Fenris informed her. "I stood up to Danarius, for the first time. Told him I was leaving and taking her with me, never to return." He shut his eyes in an attempt to silence the memory of her screams echoing in her head. "That is what I remembered last night." He opened his eyes and looked at the lyrium lines that were embedded into his arms. "I am responsible for this."
~*~ ._.~`~._.*~*~*._.~`~._. ~*~
Anders closed his eyes as his head rested on Arielle's, her struggles coming to a halt as she was pulled into him. Although he knew she was now completely connected to his mind, he had no concept of what it was she was seeing or feeling. Her body felt weightless in his arms as he held her, waiting.
Arielle flowed through his memories at a dizzying pace. A child, a family, torn apart by men in silver armor. Walls, a prison, the need to escape. Women, several, offering themselves to him. Freedom, captivity, repeated several times at different ages. Creatures so monstrous they were frightening. A ritual, blood consumption, changing his very essence. Another ritual, the bonding, of a just spirit that turned vengeful. Hawke, his feelings for her, and then the hurt of unrequited love. Desperation at an unfair way of life. And then she saw herself, a longing and lust and need he had for her. A song in the distance which grew stronger when she was near.
Arielle felt ill as all of it rushed into her, her body resisting the urge to expel the contents of her stomach. She tried to slow it all down in her mind, stop the frantic pace in which the images and emotions flooded her. Terror gripped her heart as she found it difficult to breath, her lungs tightening and her throat closing.
But next came his deeper thoughts. Where he hid the fighting, the pain, the brutality in his past. The heartbreaks, the loneliness, the emptiness and self hatred. A darker side where the vengeance came from, and it is there that she found Justice, hiding in the darkness.
Anders broke the connection this time, feeling her body trembling within his grasp. She began coughing so violently as if he had choked her, gasping for air as if she was drowning. "I'm so sorry," he said to her stroking her hair as she fell against his chest, curling into him. Every second seemed like an eternity to him as she grabbed fistfuls of his robe, struggling against some unknown entity he couldn't see. It wasn't until he noticed that her markings were glowing under her clothes that he too nearly panicked.
"I saw him," she whispered into his chest through rapid breaths that hadn't calmed.
Anders lifted her chin so their eyes met, the look of anxiety clouding her normal beauty. "What happened," he asked, moving random strands of hair from her face.
Arielle swallowed once she realized her throat was no longer tight, and told him what transpired. "Your spirit just tried to kill me."
