Chapter Twenty Nine
Castiel had practically ran to the place he now called home, darting past Mary and running upstairs, locking himself in his room.
As soon as he slammed the door shut behind him, Cas fell to the floor in a heap and tried to hold back choking sobs.
Cas felt as though he couldn't breathe, his breaths coming out in short rapid pants and his entire body shook violently, trying to fight off an oncoming panic attack.
Tears flooded from his eyes and blurred his vision, Castiel held tightly onto his stomach, feeling as though he could vomit at any second. Every inch of his body and soul hurt and right at that moment he felt as though he could curl up and die.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Dean parked up in the driveway, having spent the whole drive sobbing and cursing himself for being such a dick to Cas.
He needed to make it up to Castiel…AGAIN, unfortunately for Dean it was becoming a regular occurrence and he found himself wondering what exactly he has ever done to deserve Cas in his life.
Dean wiped his eyes clean of tears and got out of the car, going inside the house. Mary was immediately in front of Dean, concern filling her features.
"Did something happen between you and Castiel?"
"We had a fight…"
"He came rushing through that door like a bat out of hell Dean…ran upstairs and locked himself in his room. I have been knocking for a while now and he won't reply. Go and sort this out right now…you know how fragile he is…"
Dean felt a huge pang of guilt push through him and he nodded his head in agreement with his mom, before running upstairs to speak to Cas.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
When Dean reached Cas' door, he knocked lightly.
"Cas…We need to talk, open the door"
No reply
"Cas…please"
Nothing
"Castiel please, I'm begging you open the door…"
Dean leant his ear against the door, he could hear the sounds of rapid breathing and choked sobs.
"Cas…are you alright in there? Please I'm worried…can you open the door?"
The door lock clicked open and Dean pushed inside, shutting the door behind him.
The sight that greeted him was Castiel kneeling on the floor, fighting for his breath and fighting back tears. He looked dazed and unfocused, his whole body shaking.
Dean was immediately beside him on the floor, he cupped Cas' face with both of his hands and trying to get Cas to focus.
"Hey…Cas….Cas…come on buddy, you with me? Just breathe OK…"
Panic flooded through Dean and he was tempted to call down for his mom. He had never dealt with anyone in this state before.
Cas met with Dean's eyes, looking slightly panicked himself and grabbing as best he could, holding onto Dean's t-shirt.
"It's alright Cas I'm here now…just breathe, calm down…breathe."
Not wanting to crowd Cas too much, Dean placed a hand on the small of his back and rubbed soothing circles, while trying to calm Castiel down.
"Do you need anything…nod for yes…"
Cas shook his head In response, as his breathing slowed down a little and he stopped shaking. Dean continued to rub soothing circles down Cas' back and his other hand brushed through Cas' hair, trying to calm him down further.
"Dean…" Cas whispered, in an almost croaky and broken breath.
"Yeah…I'm here baby, not going anywhere. Are you OK? You sure you don't need anything…"
"I'm OK…just need a minute…"
Dean continued his calming actions, while he watched Castiel's breathing slowly return to normal and colour return to his face.
"God Cas…you scared me…don't ever do that again" Dean sighed out a breath of relief.
"Thought you didn't care…"
Dean shook his head and inwardly cursing himself, he really didn't mean to take any of his anger out on Cas and now he felt worse than ever after seeing how Castiel was suffering.
"Of course I care…"
"But you wish you didn't."
"Never…look I'm so sorry, I should never have said them things to you. I didn't mean it…I don't resent you, I was just in a bad place and I need to learn to think before I speak."
Cas pushed himself away from Dean and slowly tried to find his feet, making his way over to the bed to sit down.
Dean got up and followed, sitting beside him and trying to get as close as possible.
"Sorry…seems to be a word you use too often Dean…"
"You're right…I know. I'm so fucking selfish…I hate myself right now, my problems…they're nothing compared to what you have gone through and I feel like the worlds biggest jack ass…I shouldn't take it out on you…please Cas you gotta believe me…"
"But you resent me…I don't want you to resent me Dean…"
"NO I don't…I really don't…I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're the best thing to happen in my life. I love you more than anything and I couldn't live without you…I'm an idiot…a selfish idiot…and I don't deserve you."
Castiel fought back a fresh batch of tears, but he had no energy to cry anymore.
"I always forgive you Dean…because I'm that kind of person. I can't physically cry anymore…I can't go on hurting anymore…if this kind of thing is going to happen every time you have a bad day…I don't know if I can handle it…"
Dean grabbed Cas' hands, cradling them in his own and tears now flowing freely.
"Please Cas…I need you please…I'm so sorry…"
He brought Cas' hands up to his lips and kissed them, before leaning in and kissing Cas' cheek, neck, forehead, jaw…anywhere he could find.
"Please…please…" Dean chanted between kisses, his tears falling at a fast pace.
Cas stayed completely still, letting Dean kiss him and feeling just how much Dean needed him in that moment.
"I couldn't handle it Dean…but…I couldn't handle being away from you either. There's no way I'd survive without you…but things have to change. I cant take anymore hurt in my life…"
Dean leaned back and let out a huge sigh of relief, as his tears continued flowing. He cupped Cas' face and forced him to meet his eyes.
"I promise you…no more hurt. You have been through enough…Thank you Cas…Thank you so much…I love you"
Dean rambled, before placing a long, loving Kiss on Castiel's lips and letting his now happy, relieved tears flow down his cheeks.
"I love you too Dean…I love you so much it hurts"
Cas whispered against Dean's lips, before pulling him back in for a passionate kiss.
O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O
Castiel lay asleep in Dean's arms, Dean couldn't sleep, so settled for cuddling his boyfriend closely and running his fingers lightly through his hair.
There was a light knock on the door and Mary entered the room cautiously.
She noted that Castiel was asleep and smiled at Dean.
"Everything Ok?" She whispered to Dean, trying not to wake Cas up.
"It is now..." He smiled and looked down at Cas.
Slowly moving Castiel aside, determined not to wake him. Dean placed his sleeping form on the bed and motioned for his mom to go outside into the hall.
Dean left Cas to sleep and followed his mom out.
"I nearly lost him tonight"
"Oh honey…but is everything sorted now?" Mary soothed, placing a loving arm around Dean's shoulders.
"God I hope so…I'm such an idiot sometimes. You should have seen him mom…he was having a panic attack, all off the back of a stupid argument that shouldn't have happened in the first place."
"Oh my gosh, is he ok now? Maybe we should call someone…"
"No he's ok…I managed to calm him down…but I feel like a monster. It should never have happened like that or at all. I don't wanna lose him…I broke down at the mere thought of it…what should I do?"
Mary sighed, smiling sympathetically at her eldest son and pulled him into a loving hug.
"It's all part of growing up and being in an adult relationship. Don't let him slip away from you honey, be there to support him and more importantly let HIM support you too…it's a two way street."
"Then I guess I need to learn how to grow up…I'm not gonna lose him" Dean nodded in agreement.
"Good boy…you two will make it, I know it. Just take everything in your stride, whatever comes your way good or bad…take it on TOGETHER." Mary soothed, smiling calmly at Dean.
"Me and Cas against the world, huh?" Dean laughed lightly and smiled back at his mom.
"Exactly…and the world doesn't stand a chance. You two are made for each other sweetie. I know it."
Mary placed a tender kiss on Dean's cheek and motioned for him to go back and take care of Cas.
"Angel's are watching over you both. You will be alright."
"Thanks Mom"
Dean smiled and visibly relaxed, heading back into Cas' room to be by his side for the remainder of the night.
