Chapter Twenty-Nine: Living with Pride
Mami walked through the crowded streets of Mitakihara with no particular destination in mind. She felt alone, but that feeling was somehow comforting. Being around Homura was a little difficult right now, and those two girls had their own problems to worry about. As the older girl, if she was going to mope, she at least didn't want them to see.
She reached the bridge by the river, then blinked as she recognised Hitomi. The green-haired girl was standing by the edge of the bridge and staring out into the cold, flowing water. Mami approached her slowly. "Good afternoon."
Hitomi turned to face Mami, frowning. "Good afternoon."
"How are you feeling?" Mami asked. She glanced at the bandage around Hitomi's hand. "Are you injured? Let me use my healing magic. Or actually, can't you use your own healing magic to treat an injury like that?"
"This isn't an injury," Hitomi said. "It's a way of hiding my ring from others."
"I see. I can see how the ring might attract comment, especially since you have a boyfriend," Mami said. She smiled wanly. "How is he? You're not meeting him today?"
"There's no need to see a lover every day," Hitomi said. She looked out over the river again, her expression blank.
"If you say so," Mami said, surprised by those words. She stepped forwards, looking out over the river herself. "Just as long as you're okay. Yesterday was a terrible battle. I'm exhausted myself, and I'm somewhat used to this world. I imagine it must be worse for you."
"I am fine," Hitomi said. "I don't dwell on what has already happened. Before asking after me, you should think of yourself."
"Perhaps." Mami sighed. "I should be used to this by now. Just how miserable this world is."
"Yes, you should be used to it," Hitomi said.
Mami laughed. "That was very direct."
"No one will save you in this world," Hitomi said. "You must have the will to live no matter the actions of others. If not, you won't survive."
"You've changed," Mami said. "You were more innocent before, weren't you? Though you picked fights with us."
"We've fought enough these past few days," Hitomi said. "It's hard not to change in the face of battle."
Mami nodded. "But this is what I've been worrying about, you know. Is just surviving for the sake of surviving meaningful? Is my life meaningful, in the end?"
"I can't answer that," Hitomi said.
"I know. I'm just thinking out loud," Mami said. She sighed. "Ideally, I'd want us to live in a proud way. Living by helping each other rather than hurting each other. But it never ends up that way. I'm always betrayed."
"No one agreed with your ideals," Hitomi said. "If it bothers you, you can only use force to coerce others into going along with them. Everyone else has their own ideals, or desires. As stupid and petty as those things may be, they have the necessary conviction to translate them into action. If you can't do the same thing, give up on holding ideals."
"If I use force, my ideals become meaningless," Mami said. "And they should be common sense, or basic human dignity. It would be easier to live without them, but I can't believe that would make me happy."
Hitomi paused for a moment, frowning. "So let me ask you, how much do you really know about the lives of magical girls?"
Mami blinked in surprise at that question. "Well, I've lived in this world a long time."
"Here in Mitakihara?" Hitomi said. "You three are powerful, but you live in a small pond, don't you? What do you know of the wider world?"
"Well, nothing much," Mami said. "There's never been cause for it. Magical girls are territorial, so you can't exactly just wander around."
"If you didn't hunt on their territory, they would have no reason to fight you," Hitomi said.
"I wonder if it would be that simple," Mami said. She glanced at Hitomi. "You haven't experienced this, you know, since we're somewhat lax at Mitakihara. But many magical girls are extremely territorial. I've had to fight off plenty of people who sought to seize my territory in my time. If we were like them, we'd have driven you out of the city and forced you to hunt elsewhere."
"It you all were like them, Homura would drive you and Kyouko out and control this territory alone," Hitomi said.
Mami frowned. "Perhaps."
"I don't know what you're searching for, or how you should live," Hitomi said. "But you won't find an answer by living the same way day after day. If you want to reach a conclusion, go on a journey and see how other magical girls live."
"That's a strange suggestion," Mami said. "It sounds like you've put some thought into this. Do you want to go on a journey, Hitomi?"
"I have ties that keep me here," Hitomi said. "But you do not."
"That's true," Mami admitted. She frowned. A journey? It was a very strange idea. "But even I have school, you know."
"Is school important?" Hitomi asked. "Is there anything there worth bothering with?"
Mami frowned. No, she supposed not. If she had to die before becoming an adult, not at all. But she felt like giving up on that routine would mean losing something precious to her.
Hitomi spoke again to break the lengthening silence. "If you want to understand people like Aiko and Kahoru, you need that much resolve. They betrayed you, but they also left their homes for several days to fight here."
"I suppose they did," Mami said. "Though I suspect they had ulterior motives. At least Kahoru did."
"That is to be expected." Hitomi glanced sidelong at Mami. "If the demon prince had been born in Kyoto, would you have travelled there and risked your life? Or would you have stayed here in peace?"
Mami frowned, startled by the question. "I don't know," she said eventually. "It would be right for me to go, but... I don't know."
"Very few magical girls would fight such a battle, even with the prince's remnants as a prize," Hitomi said.
"You're rather cynical," Mami said. "Though I agree, I suppose."
"I've met a few magical girls these past few days," Hitomi said. "They struck me as rather selfish people."
"Apparently. You're strong-willed, Hitomi. I'm jealous." Mami turned her head away. "But you've given me plenty to think about."
"I'm just providing suggestions. In the end you have to find your own answers, or else give up," Hitomi said.
"I know that. The same goes for you, you know," Mami said. "You also need to decide what's important to you and what you should do from now on. Just remember that we're here to help you."
"If you say so," Hitomi said.
"Well, I should probably get going," Mami said. "What about you? Isn't it about time you headed home?"
"I will stay here for now," Hitomi said.
Mami shrugged. "As you like. Bye."
"Good-bye." Hitomi remained, staring into the water.
Isn't it uncharacteristic of you to be offering advice to others?
Ritsuko scowled. "Don't talk to me."
I'll talk to you when I feel like it, even if you're in control, Hitomi said. This is my body, after all. Doing nothing at all is boring.
"Speaking while you're not in control will damage your sense of self," Ritsuko said. "I'll be fine. If I didn't have a strong sense of self, I wouldn't have survived this long. You, on the other hand, have everything to lose."
I see. Well, that's worth knowing. But I'm more worried about keeping you under control, Hitomi said. I can't just let you do as you please with my body.
"I'll do as I please when I'm in control," Ritsuko said. "Within reason."
I'm making sure you're being reasonable, Hitomi said. So, why did you give her advice? I could have talked to her myself, you know.
"It was just a whim," Ritsuko said. "But talk is cheap. Everything else depends on her."
Isn't it hypocritical of you to offer her advice under the circumstances? You're part of the problem, you know.
"I understand the situation because I'm part of the problem," Ritsuko said.
That's rather self-serving logic.
"Does it matter?" Ritsuko stared out over the river. "I wonder if what I said was for the best, though. If she stays here and lives as she has done up until now, she'll probably never reach a satisfactory answer to the questions she's posing to herself. But she will also probably survive, unless Kahoru acts violently."
So you think she might die if she goes on a journey?
"It's a possibility," Ritsuko said coldly. "There aren't many magical girls who can survive while believing in something. That's true even if that something is a person. Abstract ideals are worse."
So you believe in nothing? Hitomi asked.
"No, I believe in something," Ritsuko said. "Duty, honour. I understand that my life is subordinate to a wider cause, the greater good. Realising that has kept me alive all this time. But this society has probably lost its ability to produce people who understand those concepts."
That's rather hard to understand, Hitomi said. But does any thing come of dying for the sake of the greater good? What is the greater good, to begin with?
"It's the needs of the people," Ritsuko said. "Dying for that, dying for the sake of everyone, is far better than selfishly dying for the sake of one person. But the needs of the people and the wants of the people aren't the same thing. This country has lost its way in that sense, by conflating the two."
So who decides what the needs of the people are? You?
"Leaders," Ritsuko said. "I have a relatively simple role, though. As a magical girl, my duty is to defeat demons and protect the good order of Kyubey's law. By doing that, magical girls will continue to protect society. That's a straight-forwards example of the greater good. Even you know demons must be defeated, right?"
It's hard to argue with the proposition that demons need to be defeated, Hitomi said. But that doesn't mean you need to enforce Kyubey's will, you know. That's extremely cruel of you.
"Law is necessary," Ritsuko said. "And Kyubey is the only person who can provide us with law as we are now."
If we told the rest of the world about our existence, I'm sure the government would act, Hitomi said. Wouldn't that be much better than Kyubey being in charge?
"What would come of that revelation?" Ritsuko asked. "Humans as they are can't fight demons. If they knew, they'd simply fear a threat they couldn't understand or fight. It is our role to fight for their sake."
It hurts us, when we fight alone. And it hurts the people who care about us, as well. Not to mention the battles you fight and the cruel things you do to enforce that arbitrary rule. Is it really ethical for all those sacrifices to be made just for the peace of mind of others?
"It is right to do so," Ritsuko said firmly.
I disagree, Hitomi said. People should understand the problems of others. People value the truth, on the whole, and it's wrong to deceive them. It's also wrong for them to tell themselves that nothing is wrong when that's not true at all.
"There are things that must be done and things that won't change, regardless of what people feel about them," Ritsuko said. "The truth isn't that simple a thing."
No, the truth is a simple thing, Hitomi said. I can't do anything, though. I'm too weak. You're different, though. If you rebelled against Kyubey, who could stop you?
"I've lived this way for a long time," Ritsuko said. "I don't intend to change course now."
Is it really that meaningful to fight for the status quo?
"I can't do anything else," Ritsuko said. "I don't even believe in the status quo. Regardless, I have my duty."
If you insist, Hitomi said doubtfully. But I'm not convinced. You know you attacked me under this bridge, right?
"I did?" Ritsuko said. She shrugged. "Well, I don't remember. I have no need for memories of most of my battles."
The fact that you chose to forget that even though we're sharing this body is rather annoying.
"I won't be in this body for long," Ritsuko said. "It's a pain for both of us."
Well, that's probably for the best, though it makes me worry about where you'll find a new host,Hitomi said. Either way, you attacked me under this bridge to prevent me from telling Kyousuke about the fact I was a magical girl.
"Then you deserved it," Ritsuko said shortly. "Keeping that secret is for the good of all."
I guess arguing with you about this is useless, Hitomi said. But that's made my life hard, you know. Do you know how hard it is to hide something so important from my boyfriend?
"I know," Ritsuko said.
You had a boyfriend?
"I had a lover once. That was a long time ago, though," Ritsuko said. "I understand that much. But I endured then. You will have to manage now."
I find it hard to imagine you going out with someone.
"I resent that." Ritsuko closed her eyes. "Things were different then. This country was different, and I was different. No one would marry me as I am now, nor would there be any meaning in me marrying anyone. As a magical girl, I can't fulfil the duties of a wife. But once I was less strong, and perhaps more beautiful. I had a lover."
What kind of person was he?
"He was strong and brave. A good person. Circumstances destroyed him, though, and he was never the same," Ritsuko said. "In the end, nothing came of that love. Even though it ended badly, I still remember. I'm not sure why, but that's something I can't afford to forget."
Hitomi was silent for a few moments, lost in thought. I see. So even you have experiences like that.
"Like I said, I resent that implication," Ritsuko said. "There may have been others. I don't know. If there were others, I chose to forget them."
Then there weren't any others,Hitomi said.
"Love doesn't always lead to pleasant memories," Ritsuko said.
I know. But you said it yourself. It's not something you can just forget.
"Perhaps." Ritsuko shrugged. "You should worry about yourself before you worry about me. If you want to see your lover, then go. I will endure it."
No, I really don't want you looking over my shoulder while I spend time with him, Hitomi said. That would be awful.
"I would be perfectly silent. I'm not like you, someone who eavesdrops and then chats away even though it's my turn with the body," Ritsuko said.
It'd be worse if you were silent, almost.
"Well, as you like," Ritsuko said. "Just as long as you're not using me as an excuse to avoid seeing him."
Of course not! Hitomi said hotly. It's not like that! It's just weird.
"Lovers can have differences, but if you're unable to share your problems with each other, life becomes difficult," Ritsuko said. "I understand that. It's up to you two whether you can get around that problem, since telling him isn't an option."
Hitomi paused for a moment. I don't know if you're kind or cruel.
"Maybe I'm both. People are not straight-forwards and easy to understand," Ritsuko said. "Mami's struggling because of that, as well. I find it ridiculous. There's no need for us to understand each other."
You say that, but you still speak as if you know everything, Hitomi said. Like, say, what you just said about Kyousuke and I.
"I gave my opinion. Make of it what you will. In the end, I'm not so interested in you I'll think deeply about it," Ritsuko said.
I see, Hitomi said. She sounded huffy. You really are mean, you know. In any case, what are you going to do? You don't always have control of my body, so I thought you'd do something fun. But you've just been standing at this bridge for ages.
"This is fine," Ritsuko said. "There's nothing in this city I want to do. But studying the landscape has a certain amount of value."
You like this? Hitomi said. It's just a river.
"It's the only thing worth seeing around here," Ritsuko said. "If I have a hobby, it's seeing natural scenes. I'd record them in some way if I had any skill as an artist, but I don't. So I just look."
That's a strange hobby,Hitomi said.
"Perhaps," Ritsuko admitted. "But it gives my life some meaning. I travel throughout this country, fighting wherever I am needed to fight. The scenery I can see throughout Japan provides me with some pleasure in my rootless life."
Well, there's not much nature to see in Mitakihara, Hitomi admitted. There's the park, I suppose.
"There isn't much to see, no. I imagine most of the cities are like this now," Ritsuko said. "Not that I remember."
Hitomi didn't reply to that. There was something so futile about those words, which made it impossible to say anything.
Ritsuko was silent, lost in thought. She was interrupted by Hitomi's phone ringing. She slid her hand into the pocket of her jacket, pulling out the phone and raising it for her ear.
That's for me! Hitomi said.
"I wonder," Ritsuko said. "Hello?"
"Hey, Ritsuko. Or is this Hitomi?"
"This is Ritsuko. What do you want, Kahoru?"
"It's time. Swing by Akihara, will you? This is the best time to move against Oriko's group, since Mitakihara can't act effectively right now."
Ritsuko shrugged. "Let me check if I can make it. You should have given me more warning than this."
"Sorry, but this is about exploiting a brief opportunity. I don't know how long it will last."
We can go, I think, Hitomi said. But how did she know my phone number?
"She's still Kahoru." Ritsuko blinked. "Sorry. In any case, I'll head your way. Remember, this is my last obligation to you."
I know. I'll see you later.
"Bye." Ritsuko rang off, sighing. "Well, let's go."
Is this really that important? Hitomi asked. I never really felt I wanted or needed the prince's remnants to begin with.
"This is a matter of principle," Ritsuko said. "We all fought the demon prince together under the understanding we'd split the reward equally. I won't let a cabal selfishly steal the remnants at the expense of the rest of us."
But even if you say that, you aren't planning to return Mitakihara's share, right? Hitomi said. You'll just take back what you're owed yourself, which isn't much more principled than what the Akihara group did to begin with.
"If I was fighting alone, I could do that if I wanted," Ritsuko said. "But since I need to cooperate with Kahoru, I'm obliged to play by her rules. I don't have much love lost for Mitakihara, either. Don't forget that night included a death-match with between Homura and I."
I'm pretty sure you deserved that, Hitomi said.
"I'm fighting for my own reasons," Ritsuko said. She turned away from the water, walking back towards the centre of town. "If others fight me, that's their right. But I don't have to like them or help them. Homura and the others have more than enough power to take back their share by force. It's their own problem to solve."
That's not much of a principle.
"The principle is that people don't steal from me," Ritsuko said. "I'll use any means necessary to ram that point home."
Hitomi laughed inside her own head. Well, I guess that makes sense.
By the time they reached Akihara, night had fallen. The lights of the high street still glittered fitfully, though the rest of the town was relatively quiet.
Kahoru raised a hand in greeting as Ritsuko left the station. She was flanked, as ever, by Aiko and Yurino. "Good evening, Ritsuko. Glad you could make it."
"Let's get this over with," Ritsuko said. "Hitomi has school tomorrow, you know."
"I'm amazed you're showing such consideration," Kahoru said. "Why are you playing house with her?"
"We made a contract," Ritsuko said. "I'll uphold my end of that bargain with integrity."
"I see. That's commendable," Kahoru said. "But as far as going into battle goes, well, we haven't eaten yet. So we'll do that first, okay?"
"I ate on the train," Ritsuko said.
"Wise of you. We weren't on a train, though," Kahoru said. "Let's go. I found a good place earlier." She turned and began to walk up the high street."
"Then you should have eaten then," Ritsuko complained. She followed Kahoru, struggling to keep up with her shorter legs.
Kahoru led the group to a cheap ramen restaurant and ordered with military precision, settling down on a cheap table and breaking open her chopsticks. "By the way, Ritsuko, you're paying. It's my penultimate order to you."
"Why do I have to pay for you?" Ritsuko snapped.
"Because I have no money. Train tickets and hotels aren't cheap, you know," Kahoru said, beginning to eat her noodles. "You have spare cash from your work for Kyubey, right? It isn't a problem for you."
"That's not the problem here," Ritsuko said. "Since when do I have to pay for your meals?"
"All the time," Aiko said. "Though I guess you don't remember or something? Anyway, yeah, this happens all the time. Kahoru likes making you pay for her meals. Failing that, she makes me pay for her meals." She shrugged, picking up a piece of tofu with her chopsticks and wolfing it down. "Thanks, I guess."
"Then you pay," Ritsuko said. "I don't remember that kind of stupid arrangement!"
"You remember I beat you, right?" Kahoru said. "With the girl you're rooming with as my sidekick, no less. That's why you have to pay."
Ritsuko sighed. "Have you no shame?"
"Not where money is concerned. Not everyone can live like you do," Kahoru said. "Being Kyoto's territory holder sounds cool, but it isn't exactly a paid position."
Ritsuko scowled. "This is a waste of my time."
"Don't say that," Kahoru said. "I'm also here so we can talk about something important, you know. Hey, Ritsuko, how would you like to change the world?"
"What is this about?" Ritsuko asked.
Kahoru swallowed more noodles, eating quickly. Then she shrugged and spoke again. "I want to become god, and I have the details worked out, but I need you. And I have a sneaking suspicion that you won't help me become god, even if I say I'm aiming to create a perfect world where no one has to suffer or die."
"Of course," Ritsuko said. "That's just visionary nonsense."
"I disagree, but the point is you're a little like me," Kahoru said. "You despise this world, right? For a different reason from me, to be sure, but you hate the world and wish to change it. I know that."
"Even if that's true, I can't do anything about it," Ritsuko said. "My duty is simple. I just fight demons and enforce the law."
"You can change the world, though. So let's bet, you and I," Kahoru said. "Fight with me to change the world. We'll both try and become the villain, since that's a necessary precondition to becoming god. The one who succeeds can make their vision of the world reality. For that cause, I can give you another wish. One more wish, one more chance to put right what you feel went wrong the first time around."
"That's impossible," Ritsuko said. "Even if you have the records, you can't do something like that."
"It's easier than you'd think," Kahoru said. "But just giving you another wish isn't enough. If things didn't go how you wanted the first time around, you need to be stronger. That's possible, you know. As you are now, only Homura is your peer. But if you help me, you have the chance to become a godlike existence without any rival at all."
"You're making some absurd claims," Ritsuko said. "But what you're saying is impossible."
"I can do it. Why not ask Hitomi to test my sincerity?" Kahoru said. She smiled. "That girl can tell you I believe every word I say."
Ritsuko closed her eyes briefly, then opened her eyes. Hitomi stared into Kahoru's soul. It was just as she remembered. Good intentions, but good like lightning or well-forged steel, proud and cold, a beautiful and fanatical mind that believes in sacrifices. "Well, you believe you're telling the truth," Hitomi said. "But that doesn't mean you're right. My ability isn't like the records. What's true in your mind might not be true in reality."
"I know more about reality than anyone else," Kahoru said. "That's how it is. But stick around a while, Hitomi. I should talk to you as well. I don't suppose you'd be willing to help me? You know how cruel this world can be, after all."
"I'm going to remain neutral," Hitomi said. "I'm too weak to do anything else. I get that you're really trying to do something good, in your own strange way. But I'm pretty worried about what your methods are going to be."
"I'll make Mitakihara my enemies, that much is true," Kahoru said. "So what will you do? Warn them?"
"They're already wary of you," Hitomi said. "They don't need my warning."
"Well, I'll come for them in Tokyo, if that helps," Kahoru said. "Tell them if you like, I don't mind." She smiled. "But if you said that, you'd have to explain how you met me here, and why. Judging by those bandages, that's not something you'll be willing to do."
"If Homura found out about Ritsuko, I don't know what would happen," Hitomi said. "That's why I have to be careful."
"I guess so. I don't mind. Lying is often wise," Kahoru said. "I just thought you liked the truth more than most."
"There are times when I lie," Hitomi said. "A lot of the time, I don't know what else to do. You don't have to rub that in."
"Stop bullying her," Aiko said. "We ain't here for that."
"Sorry." Kahoru raised her hands, smiling apologetically. "I like to prod people and see how they react. It's a bad habit of mine. In any case, I'm still grateful. You were of used to me before, and you were hurt because of my miscalculations. I'm sorry for that, as well."
"That's in the past. I just wanted to end that fight without anyone getting hurt," Hitomi said. "I knew it was risky, too." She met Kahoru's gaze. "I still don't want anyone to get hurt, you know. I'll fight for that cause if I have to."
"Then hurry up and give me Ritsuko back," Kahoru said. "It wouldn't even be funny if you two ended up on opposite sides of this conflict in that body."
"We'll see what we can do," Hitomi said. "But, well, it's not easy to acquire a corpse in an ethical way."
"To say the least," Kahoru said. "Anyway, this is abrupt, but could you switch back to Ritsuko? I'd like to pick up where we left off."
Hitomi nodded, then closed her eyes. When she opened her eyes, Ritsuko shrugged. "Well, you still sound like an idiot."
"I'm charmed. But are you really happy with this, Ritsuko?" Kahoru said. "Are you content to live and fight for a country you no longer understand or believe in?"
"That's my duty," Ritsuko said.
"It's a duty no one understands or appreciates," Kahoru said. "You can follow your perception of that duty, or you can risk everything to change the world. It's up to you which path would be more rewarding."
"That's one hell of a loaded question," Ritsuko said.
"I'm here to persuade you," Kahoru said. "I'm not denying that. I won't hide our differences, either. Your ideal world is in the past, mine is a sort of future. In the end, we'd become enemies."
"This world has lost its way," Ritsuko said. "No, this country has lost its way. I know that. But I can't do anything about that fact."
"That's an excuse, the oldest excuse of all. People look at injustice and human suffering and say 'that's just how things are. It can't be helped. Even if I tried to do something, nothing would change.'" Kahoru met Ritsuko's gaze, frowning. "That's not realism. That's apathy. That's laziness. If you think the world is wrong, act. Even if it's futile, acting has a moral purity that inaction entirely lacks."
Ritsuko blinked, thrown off by the sudden change of tone. "You should watch your words. I've lived my whole life in accordance with my ideals."
"I know. At the least, you're capable of fighting for something without falling into despair," Kahoru said. "Well, let's end this conversation, which is starting to sound like a sermon. Just bear in mind the world is changed by idealists, not the cynical."
"What's in this for you?" Ritsuko asked. "You're not going to bring me into this if you felt you couldn't control me and defeat me in the end. But you can't beat me. You must know that. So why?"
"I need your power. So much so I need to take those risks," Kahoru said. "I'm gambling here, Ritsuko. I'm dying, so I'll die in a meaningful way, and change everything. Failing that, I'll die trying." She smiled. "Well, if I didn't feel that way, I wouldn't have picked a fight with Homura Akemi. You know she's well above my pay grade."
"If you want to die that badly, I won't stop you," Ritsuko said. "But why do I have to go along with that?"
"Because you're dying inside," Kahoru shot back. She narrowed her eyes. "You must be sick of living for the sake of living. Why not go back to the ideals of your youth one last time?"
"My ideals have never changed," Ritsuko said.
"If you're right, well, that also a problem. The world changed." Kahoru shrugged and turned her attention to her ramen. "It's your call. I'll be waiting."
