Ch. 29 Caught In The Crossfire By Myself
"I am not sure how this goes. What do I say?" Kate sat on the chair with her legs crossed close to her chest. She played with the strings of her blue, zip-up hoodie and tried to calm herself. She looked at Dr. Gates. She was so sure of herself and Kate became insecure in a way. Dr. Gates had an air about her that radiated calm. Kate tried not to stare but she was by herself. No one to come in and save her or speak for her. She had to do it for herself.
"Anything you want to say. This is a safe space Kate. Tell me anything and it stays here. So it's up to you what you want to talk about. But I will ask you one question. Why did you come to see me?" Gates crossed her legs and uncapped her pen. Her notepad rested on her knee and her glasses made her more sophisticated.
"My boyfriend sees you and he says you helped him. That maybe, you could help me." Kate dropped her strings and played with her fingers.
"I can help you but you need to tell me why you think you need help."
Kate dropped her hands and slid down in her chair and took a deep breath. She looked right at Gates and smiled.
"A week ago I overreacted and hurt him. So then I told him why I was upset and he understood but he said maybe I should see you so I don't do that to myself." She was proud she opened up but she felt guilty holding things back when Gates was just trying to help.
"Why did you overreact? Did you not want to deal with something so you lashed out?" Gates made a little note on her pad as to how Kate was reacting.
"Yes but how did you know that? I didn't say anything about lashing out." Kate was stumped and it was one feeling she didn't approve of unless it was Rick who did the stumping.
"You said that you overreact to yourself. When you hold back for too long, you get the urge to burst. It overwhelms you and you feel like you can't breathe and you feel a pain rising in your chest. That is when you let go and lash out." Dr. Gates's eyes raised ever so slowly pondering if Kate recognized that in herself.
"I do get like that. He says that they are panic attacks and he takes medicine for it. I don't think that's what they are. My friend was murdered. I worked her case and kept secret about that. Because if anyone knew she was my friend, I would have been removed from her case and that I refused to let happen. Then a week ago it was her birthday and all my friends were having fun except for me. They were all drinking and it just reminded me that she never got to meet them, she can't drink with me like she used to, and she just isn't here anymore. No one knew she was my friend. I didn't even tell my boyfriend. I wanted to keep her memory to myself. But finally, I told him and he understood. I just can't deal with it all. Then my dad's birthday was hell on me. He has been gone for two years now and I still cry the whole day. I just can't let anyone in that way, that space is for my dad." Kate's voice was shaky and she tried to talk through her tears. Every time she reached for a tissue, her hands would shake and it started to get hard to breathe.
"Kate, look at me. You are getting a panic attack. Look at me and listen. Take a slow breath in through your nose and out your mouth. Close your eyes and grip the sides of the chair so you know you aren't moving. Good, keep doing that till the fear goes away." Gates was coaxing her with hand gestures, even though Kate couldn't see. She was doing the same exercise with Kate and smiled when Kate opened her eyes.
"That worked."
"I knew it would. Have you always been like this? I mean, getting panic attacks?"
"I guess. My dad would just hold me until it went away. Sometimes it took hours. I never knew what they were." Kate was bewildered. She shook her head as if she could be that clueless. It all made sense if she had just taken the time to check into it.
"We will get through that together. But let's go back to before you had your panic attack."
Kate nodded, completely trusting in her. She believed Gates would help heal her. The parts Rick and no one else could. Not even herself.
"I understand why you kept it a secret when your friend was murdered for the reason of solving the case but why didn't they know about her before?" Dr. Gates made another notation but this time Kate was encouraged by it.
"She wanted to wait. She was shy and kind of private. In fact it was an accident we even met. I just ran into her and started talking. I took her in under my wing and that was that." Kate's eyes crinkled when she thought of Ava's smile.
"I still think you should introduce her to your friends. Go visit her and talk about her. It might help."
"Like sit at her grave and tell everyone 'Hey this is Ava. She is my dead friend'? Are you serious?"
"Very much so. I want to talk more about your dad. But what about your mom?"
"Sore subject. Rather not dive into that one today." Kate lay her head all the way into the chair thinking she made a great escape on that one.
"Is your mother alive?"
"Yes." Kate sneered but Gates couldn't see.
"Did something happen to you two?" Gates took off her glasses and tried to persuade Kate to continue.
"She abandoned my dad and I. She chose a job over me and then only came back about two years ago when she found out my dad was dying. She never called. She never tried to be there. Then all of a sudden, she cares. Bullshit! Bull Fucking Shit! She doesn't care." Kate finally rested her arms after swinging them to express how she really felt.
"You blinked."
"What?" Out of everything I just said to you that's what you picked up on? She threw her arms out and leaned forward.
"You blinked when you said that she doesn't care about you. The truth to that is you believe she cares and it bothers you to know that and try to comprehend why she left. Why did she leave in the first place if she cared? Right?" Dr. Gates made a peek at her clock and let out a deep breath.
"What's wrong now?" Kate was on a tightrope and she was barely hanging on. Was she that easy to read?
"Time is up. But, I would like to visit this some more. Tomorrow?"
"Can't. My friend is coming home and I would like to be sane and not dwell on the past for her sake."
"How about Monday?"
"Monday is good." Kate let her mouth twitch upward and her body to relax as she shook Dr. Gate's hand and said thank you.
"I am going to miss you. And I know it may be weird but we get attached to our patients."
"Dr. Lite do you need to talk to someone about this?" Alexis laughed and Dr. Lite joined her. "I am going to miss you too. Thank you for everything." Alexis hugged her for the last time.
"I am so proud of you. Know that. Promise me you will go to meetings and still talk to someone."
"I promise." Alexis waved goodbye and headed to Dr. Keller's office.
"Can I come in?"
Dr. Keller waved her in and immediately pulled her in for a hug.
"I am so proud of you Alexis. I am sure you already agreed to go to meetings and the whole deal."
"Yeah. I got the speech from Dr. Lite." She sat down in the chair across from his and rubbed the arms. "It's weird to say goodbye to something that felt like a home to me." Alexis's lip quivered and she held back tears.
"It's ok to cry and I want to let you know if you ever need me, I am right here." He pointed to his chair and they both smiled.
"Thank you for all you have done for me. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met Sam and Lily."
"Well, I am glad you are better."
They hugged one more time and she then made her way to Berta.
Alexis saw her in the hall fixing food trays. She walked right up to her and hugged her.
"Oh, Alexis, it's you." Berta returned the hug and began to weep.
"Berta, I am mad at you but I still love you." Alexis's blue eyes contained tears and it looked like an ocean had formed in her eyes.
"Honey, I am so sorry to have done that to you. I was selfish. I wanted to keep you here and well I'll probably get fired for it."
"No you won't. I took care of that." Alexis beamed at Berta. Her eyes even twinkled with delight.
"What did you do?"
"I told them that they would be making the biggest mistake if they fired you. And that I have never met someone who cares for everyone else but themselves. Someone who is the most selfless person I have ever met. And that they are lucky to have someone like that on their team."
Berta couldn't contain herself and her howls could be heard through the entire corridor. She squeezed Alexis into a deep embrace and melted with appreciation.
"You are a true gift, Alexis Castle. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
"I'm going to miss you Momma Berta."
Berta wiped Alexis's tears off her face and held her cheek.
"Bye."
"Bye my baby." They shared one more hug before Alexis went to say goodbye to her friends.
"You don't have to go you know." Sam was bawling and Lily waved her off.
"Don't be selfish Sam. Let her go."
Alexis knew that Lily dealt with things in an angrily manner. So she was not surprised to see her acting all tough and in a whateverkind of attitude. She was also not surprised to see Sam crying her eyes out.
"Sam, I will still talk to you. I'll write and when you get out, I'll be waiting. Sam, Lily, you two are my best friends. I never really had this before. Now I do and I treasure it. I never want to lose you two. So please, get better and get out of here fast. Ok?" Alexis was bawling now too.
Sam and Alexis held each other while Lily stood off to the sidelines. She stood up straight and had her arms securely crossed against her chest. She made no attempt to cry and no attempt to move. She held her lips in a straight line and furrowed her brows. She was angry about Alexis leaving before her. She was angry how sad Sam was over it. But most of all, she was mad Alexis was leaving at all. She wouldn't dare say so, no, she couldn't. but Alexis made group easier, she made Lily want to not be so guarded. Alexis could be a true friend but Lily had to let her in first. That was something she was going to work on because she wanted Alexis to be there for her. Alexis deserved a better friend in Lily and that's is what she is going to get.
After they said their goodbyes again, Alexis walked over to Lily. At first Alexis held out her hand. Lily took one look at Alexis's tear stained smile and tugged her in for a hug. Alexis was shocked and happy.
"I am going to miss you." Lily didn't cry and she used a deep voice to try to cover up how much she did care.
"I'll write you too. And Lily?" Lily looked up. "You have a talent in you. Don't waste it because you are scared of being great." Alexis winked.
One last time she waved goodbye to her unexpected friends and went to her room.
Thomas sat on her bed kicking his feet back and forth.
"Came to say goodbye?" Alexis crossed her arms over her favorite t-shirt, an old Wizard Of Oz movie still.
"Maybe." He smiled all smart ass like and didn't get up from her bed.
Alexis walked over and sat next to him. "It's ok to miss me." She smiled very confidently.
"So what if I do? You gonna miss me?"
"Duh. We became trusties you idiot." Alexis playfully shoved him and he bumped her shoulder.
"More than that I think. Friends." He dropped his head and his hair masked his emotions from her.
"Thomas?" He didn't look up. "Thomas, look at me!" She picked up his head so she could look him in the eye. "You have to promise me that you'll try. Promise that you will try to get better. That you will give it all you got."
"I promise. Will you write?"
Alexis nodded and impulsively kissed him on the lips.
"What was that for?" His cheeks warmed red and he smiled bright.
"My promise."
"Goodbye." He stood up and waved. She waved back and started to gather her things.
Alexis stood in front of the entrance to Hazelden. But this time she would be exiting. She saw Rick pull up and was happy enough to smile. She walked through the doors and looked back one more time, as all her friends said goodbye.
Rick grabbed her suitcase and box of things from her and loaded them in the taxi. He watched as she waved to everyone then made her way to him.
"Ricky! I am so happy to see you!" She ran and hugged him. He picked her up and swung her in his arms.
"Al! I have missed you!" He kissed her head and set her down.
"Come on Ricky, let's go home." Alexis's toothy smile made her cheeks blush with joy.
"I couldn't agree more."
Kate was pacing his apartment frantically. She kept checking on the food in the oven to make sure it was still cooking. She fluffed the pillows again and adjusted the record player.
She heard footsteps and tried to decide whether to sit or stand. She kept glimpsing at the couch and finally decided to sit.
The door opened and Kate panicked. What if she doesn't want me here? What if she just wants to get settled? Oh my gosh, bad idea! Too late now, Kate.
Alexis walked in and screamed. "Kate! Oh my gosh! I can't believe you came for me!" She ran to Kate and stormed her with a hug.
"Why wouldn't I?" Kate smiled and relaxed into the scene.
Rick helped Alexis carry the rest of the stuff into her room then made his way back out.
"What did I tell you?"
"Yeah, yeah. You were right. Thank you." She kissed him gently.
"You're welcome." He slid his hands around her waist and pulled her up against him.
"You know that medicine does help. It's been a while since I have had a panic attack. Thank you for everything." She brushed her lips against his and he caressed her lips back.
They kept teasing each other with samples until Rick had enough. He smacked his lips into hers and begged for more. He gently slid his tongue in the slit she allowed him to have. They explored each other while still trying to be modest. Rick was hungry for her and she no longer wanted to hold back. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his face into hers. He slid his hand under her shirt and started to feel her smooth skin.
Alexis cleared her throat then laughed. "You want to take that elsewhere? I am ready to eat." Her lips pulled inward a little while she enjoyed their embarrassment.
Kate pushed him off her and color rose to her cheeks and her whole body filled with warmth.
Rick tried to wipe away the evidence but it was pointless. He knew he had been caught.
"Uh,"
"Ricky, don't bother. Spare us all."
"Works for me." Rick turned to a still Kate. She nodded in agreement.
"Cool. Can we eat now?" Alexis rubbed her stomach.
The oven dinged. "Sure can." Kate walked into the kitchen and pulled out the chicken and stuffing.
They sat together at the bar and smiled. They enjoyed each other's company and finally felt like they all had a place. A true family. A home. She & Him's "Home" came on and they laughed at the coincidence of it all.
Kate smiled lovingly at Rick and no longer felt like shielding herself from him. She was ready to break free from her own crossfire.
