"Mavriel, will you please stop ignoring me?"
I looked up, "What? Sorry, I didn't hear you" Guilt sat in my chest, my mind had been elsewhere for the last while.
"You've been distract" Crowley said, trying to get me to open up, not for the first time in recent days.
"Yeah..."
He gave a soft sigh, "Mav, do you want to talk about anything? Anything at all?"
I wanted to say 'not really'. But I knew I shouldn't, I knew I should try to sort my mind out. "I... There's a lot on my mind"
"Tell me, talk to me, please"
"I... It's just... A lot's happened, in not a long amount time, and... It's a lot to process"
"Go on"
"... I mean, Purgatory happened, then I got back and the nightmares started..."
"They haven't stopped?"
I shook my head, "And then everything with Kevin and the Winchesters and the tablet, and then the auction, and they way we fought, I... and now it feels like it never happened, any of it - like it was just a dream, and then I see myself and I'm... I'm different from what I was expecting, with my hair, and I just look... old and I... I'm not me anymore, I'm someone else, I'm something else - I don't know anymore, I'm just... I'm not... I'm not me, anymore... I- I don't know who I am. I don't feel real anymore"
"My Dear, you are very much real"
"I know..."
"You are you - regardless of name or title or appearance. And if you ever need reassured of that, all you have to do say"
"Thank you" I said softly, "But that doesn't really help"
"What can I do?"
"I don't know" I shook my head. "...You know, before Purgatory, I felt... I felt like there was something... Like there was something more between us, or, that something more was starting to develop. I can remember thinking that though over and over again, but I can't remember what it was - what was different, what was changing. And I thought, once I was back, I would figure out what it was, but I can't - I don't even know if it was real anymore. I don't remember what's right or not. And I'm doubting everything I do - every action I take. I'm doubting my own memory. I'm questioning how I act with you, and I've never done that before. I'm questioning how I come off to everyone I interact with. I just don't know anything anymore. I spent so much of my life making myself into someone I wanted to be and now, now I've lost it. I don't know what to do, at all, I'm just acting on impulse and- and I don't know what's going to happen next." my voice cracked "I don't know what I'm going to do or say. I don't know what you're going to do, I- I can't predict that anymore; not because of you, but my mind just can't see it." Tears started to roll down my face, "It's like I don't exist out with this very second and- and I could just be here one moment and the next I'll just be gone" I began to sob "And I'm scared, I'm so scared. Crowley, I'm scared. I'm scared"
He wrapped his arms around me as I cried. My chest ached from sobbing, so did my throat. I was shaking and crying and I felt it would never end. The guilt and fear and panic inside he was writhing and I had no control anymore. I wasn't in control. I wasn't in control. I knew I was mumbling, incomplete thoughts spilled out of my mouth and they just kept coming.
I could feel Crowley; his warmth, his softness. I could hear him telling me I was going to be okay, but how? How was I going to be okay? I was losing myself. I'd lost myself. I was gone. There was just remnants left of me, fractured pieces trying to hold themselves together with fear and paranoia and guilt. Such guilt, that came from nowhere, that wasn't deserved - I knew it wasn't deserved but it was still there, clawing at me.
Oh God I was afraid.
I don't know how long I sat there in that state. But there came a point when I could cry no more. I felt numb. I felt lost. I felt like I was made of smoke, like I was going to dissipate any second.
Crowley held me. He held me tight, kept me grounded. I was real. I was here. I was not alone. I was not wrong. I had not done anything wrong. I was not the feelings fighting me from inside my mind. I was me. I had always been me and I hadn't changed, not really. I was still the same person that I was when we had first met. I was still the same person who had become Queen of Hell. I was still Crowley's friend, as I had always been.
I took long shuddering breaths. I eventually stopped shaking. I held his hands in mine, staring at them - Crowley is real, so I am real.
I am real. I am real. I am real.
When I began to feel solid again, I was able to look him in the eye. Crowley's eyes were red from tears, and for a moment I couldn't understand. But he held me close, protecting me, shielding me. If he could have fought off every intrusive thought and bad feeling in my mind he would have.
"You are so strong, Mav, and I love you so much. And I'm going to be here for you, forever. Okay?"
I nodded, even gave a small smile. "Okay"
"Okay, Love"
"Okay"
