Look Back at Me

Chapter XXIX

"And now I shall ring for some tea; I think we are in dire need of it."

When a servant girl of barely sixteen came in with a tray of delicate china and dark, strong tea, not a single word was uttered by any present. The two men and two women were all seated, but none of them looked at one another, all either looking lost in their own thoughts or too ashamed to do so. The girl left again in silence, wondering what strange company this was and bringing her deduction back to the kitchen where they would soon turn into gossip.

Another quarter of an hour was spent in a mix of exultant and nervous strangeness. These were four people who had known each other for some time, but it was exactly that past that made it somewhat difficult to find the right words at present. Even Mr Bell was at somewhat of a loss as how to speak about impending facts without breaking the blissful spell that was cast over Mr Thornton, Margaret Hale, and that even seemed to have lightly touched Mrs Thornton.

In the end, after much caution, it was decided that Mr Bell and Mr Thornton would deal with the financial transmission of Margaret's investment towards Mr Thornton and Marlborough Mills as soon as possible, that Miss Hale and Mr Bell would remain in their temporary lodgings until the financial matters were settled and the announcement of the engagement was properly in the papers, and that afterwards Mr Bell and Margaret would remain at the Thornton residence as guests until the wedding, which was to be held in no less than a month to contain most of Milton's sharp tongue. God knows how much of Margaret Hale's behaviour, as well as that of John Thornton for that matter, had already started slander, and the reopening of a bankrupt mill coinciding with an unlikely marriage was like honey to the judging bees of high society. Miss Hale was to return the next morning so that Mrs Thornton could help her with preparing for the wedding; beginning with writing letters, especially to her aunt. Margaret felt a little anxious about this plan and not sure whether this was because she would be facing her aunt or Mrs Thornton, but it was put out of mind for now. Mrs Thornton ended with adding that any of Miss Hale's acquaintances she might feel comfortable with having around before the wedding were welcome to remain at the house as guests as well. This earned Mrs Thornton an affectionate smile from Miss Hale, for which she did not feel quite comfortable enough yet.

Mr Bell had taken his leave of the couple before they could object: "I am quite overdue at some old friends of mine nearby and now that I am in the neighbourhood I could not in all good conscience walk past them." Whether or not this statement was true, the couple was happy to be left alone to finish the walk back to Margaret's lodgings alone and thanked Mr Bell gratefully.

They walked first in silence with Margaret holding on to John Thornton's arm while their hands had found each other.

"I am glad you are here," John spoke softly while he brought her hand to his lips. The lanterns were already lit and a fog was beginning to settle over Milton. It gave the street a rather foreboding look and Margaret felt for a brief moment the pang of grief she had felt when her father had passed away. She smiled at him, not sure which of the many thoughts in her head to give a voice.

Margaret suddenly remembered: "Oh, I forgot! How are your sister and the baby?".

"She is fine," John answered simply.

Margaret looked at him expectantly, but he said nothing more. Margaret's brow furrowed; "Have you ever held a baby?".

John Thornton looked at her in surprise, "No, not that I can remember." Margaret let out a little chuckle as if to prove her point. That left John Thornton rather confused and he wished to asked her what she meant by it, but he did not want to look ignorant.

"My brother is also a expecting his first child," he heard Margaret say with a hint of regret.

"That is wonderful news," John squeezed her hand until she looked at him, "I think you would be a wonderful aunt and a wonderful mo.." he suddenly held his breath. Margaret looked at him with big eyes; they had stopped walking.

Of course she would make a wonderful mother and John could only dream of how beautiful her children would be; but he had not meant to say those words out loud. They had never spoken of children even though children are usually the natural result of marriage. And they had certainly never talked of how children are conceived. John Thornton wondered whether Miss Hale even knew how; he had no idea whether young girls and women discussed such things in private. He did know that such things were hardly even discussed between man and woman, and his fellow masters had often boasted about the ignorance of their virgin wives upon the wedding night. He suddenly felt embarrassed, as if he had spoiled something that could have been otherwise wonderful.

Margaret Hale stopped staring at him and let go of his arm to look at his hands. John could see in her face that her thoughts were running fast.

She turned his hands over in her own and opened her mouth slowly: "Imagine how small a baby would look in your large hands." It was spoken in a whisper, like a secret thought, and suddenly there was a far off look in her eyes. Then Margaret smiled sweetly to herself.

A baby, he thought. Their baby. John Thornton inhaled deeply and he was filled with a feeling of fulfilment. Oh this woman, his wife, the mother of his children, the love of his life.

He first kissed her gingerly on her forehead. He folded his large hands over her cheeks and with the tips of his thumbs he could feel the corners of her mouth curl up. He kissed her nose and her cheeks while her eyelashes tickled his skin. And then he waited close to her face with his eyes shut. He waited for her to come to him this time; hoping that she naturally would and somewhere fearing that she dare not. He could feel her breath on his, but he remained immobile. Then she pushed herself up on her toes so she could reach his great height, and pushed her lips softly onto his. Softly and gently, and then something new, forcefully and intensely.

When he let her go, she was a little weak in the knees and so he folded his arms around her and rested his head on the top of her head in her soft hair. John let out a low chuckle and Margaret buried her blushing face in his collar. She could not help but be affected by the contagious laughter. When all tension had left their bodies through giggles and smiles, Margaret and John resumed their walk through the lamplit streets of Milton in a slow, comfortable pace.