CHAPTER 29 - FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE
I stood, the back of my head leaning against the cool stone wall, focusing on the entrance to the Great Hall. Those ominous doors which were situated only a few feet away, I silently watched students come and go. I was waiting for just one in particular to leave. It was a little after six in the evening and I knew that George was inside having dinner with his friends. I had not planned on entering at any point to retrieve him; that would mean disturbing him in front of everyone, I would likely only draw attention to myself as I was still quite upset by what I'd just witnessed from Fred. Besides, the time alone; waiting for George was allowing me the opportunity to calm myself down and rationally mull over what I was going to do next.
How was I going to fix this?
Fred's behaviour had both startled and distressed me. I was very aware of what he'd been through these last weeks and the memories of his assault must have been harrowing for him. But his eagerness to dismiss what he'd been through so quickly without dealing with it had left him suffering in secret. Fred's refusal to face up to emotions which made him feel weak were haunting him in his sleep, somewhere he could not hide or pretend. His desperation to keep this hidden from the people who cared about him was becoming too much and the cracks were starting to show.
Was this it just reaching the surface?
What happens if we push him, what will he do then? The thought frightened me more than I would ever admit aloud. Fred was a confident and predatory character. A trait I'd become very familiar with. What happens when you push his buttons?
I sighed to myself. My brow furrowed as I wallowed in my thoughts. Were things ever going to be right between us? There was always someone or something keeping us from being together. And it was almost always either of one of us who was that someone. Between the two of us we had some serious emotional baggage. Why wouldn't he let me comfort him? Being shunned away like I was, I felt hurt. Not only hurt but useless, I was incompetent to his suffering.
Fred always wanted to be the strong one, the forceful one and now I'd seen him in a whole new light and it was like he almost resented me for it; for seeing him weak. I felt trapped, unsure of where to go from here. He seemed fine before, like the old Fred, I was the one who was worried and unsure and he was the one in control as always.
How did it get to this? Why won't he let me help him?
I almost jumped when I glanced back over at the double doors only to spot George strolling casually from the Great Hall with one of his mates. Damn it, I'd nearly missed him. George hadn't noticed me so I made hast and followed quickly at his heels and just as he was about to climb a set of stairs I said his name.
"George?" I asked timidly.
He paused almost immediately, turning around to look at me, a questioning in his eyes. As if he knew there was something we needed to discuss he turned back to his friend quietly making his excuses and came back towards me; alone.
George and I really hadn't had that much time to talk alone, especially since Fred's return. Which was a shame because we had become close both prior to and during the 'incident'. I guess he felt it was necessary to give us some space to try and be a proper couple. To be honest, I'd missed George a little. He had inadvertently become my rock amongst the chaos.
He studied me briefly before talking.
"What's up Claudia?" he asked nonchalant, his voice deep but soft.
"I really need to talk with you"
I paused, glancing around.
We didn't have a lot of privacy. "It's Fred!" I explained.
His expression changed instantaneously. He looked quite serious.
"We'll go outside" he announced as if he knew instinctively what it was about.
Placing his hand gently on my back he ushered me to the grounds of the castle where we would not be interrupted.
We eventually stopped under an old oak tree, a substantially seasoned oak bench had been built around its base and we both sat down. It creaked a little and I glanced up to look at the branches above us swaying in the breeze. It was dusk now and although it was cool outside it wasn't unpleasant.
"What's wrong?" asked George, I brought my head back down and focused on him; there was a knowing look in his eyes.
"He's…..he's not….." I paused changing my mind, "something has happened George".
"What?" he simply asked.
"He's not better is he?" I accused.
George looked down at the ground and sighed to himself.
"No…..he's not!" he glanced up at me again, focusing acutely.
"Tell me what happened Claudia?" wanting me to explain.
"He's appeared fine since he's returned, acting like nothing happened to him. Not even wanting to discuss it. I didn't like that, it kind of worried me but I went along with it because it's what Fred wanted and I was just that so relieved things were finally working out for us" I leaned in a little.
"But we were hanging out in my room before and I guess we fell asleep. I woke up abruptly because he was having this awful dream, it was really disturbing to watch and I had to physically shake him awake. When he did he was undoubtedly angry with me, visibly shaken and wouldn't talk to me at all and then he left. I don't know what to do".
"I know, I understand. This is unfortunately not news to me it has been going on since the attack. You know what he's dreaming of don't you?" asked George, his tone had an edge to it.
"Them…; Ernie's friends" I answered.
"He won't talk to me about it, not once! I don't even mean the dreams I mean about the whole thing. He hasn't spoken to anyone about what he went through. He's just pretending that everything's fine and that he's okay. But he's not Claudia, far from it. He may have recovered physically but mentally he's damaged, he's ill and he needs help".
"I don't understand; why won't he talk about it, why won't he let anyone help him?" I was so frustrated.
"In the beginning, the first few days…when he was just waking up, he was really sick. I mean Claudia it was bad. You know Fred, he's always been in control, always been strong but laying there in that hospital bed it was really hard to watch. He was well aware of the fact that he nearly died, he got a massive fright Claudia. He looked scared and weak, he was so vulnerable".
"I understand that….believe me I do but why won't he let us help him? Why won't he talk about it if it's affected him like this?"
"Because he's scared Claudia, he doesn't want to face it and he doesn't want to remember. But he needs to deal with it or it's never going to stop and it's only going to get worse. We…..you, need to do something about it now" George announced dramatically.
"How" I asked nervously.
"Make him…..force him to talk about it. If you ask and he doesn't comply, then don't ask again….you have to make him! If he gets angry with you then get angry back, he won't expect that from you…..it might just work!" George realised.
"I'm not sure….I mean, if he's angry..." I admitted slightly afraid.
"He'd never hurt you Claudia…..never!" he cut in "he'd bloody bunch me though, but he'd never dare hurt you…..not in a million years, you see, it has to be you who helps him".
"I don't even know where he is right now?" I sighed.
"I do" George admitted.
We both stood staring at each other outside the entrance to Weasley HQ. The gargoyle statue had already been pushed to the side and hidden door revealed and waiting for me to enter.
I looked at George unable to hide my apprehension, my whole body felt tense and my heart was already starting to race at the unknown I was going to have to confront inside.
He gave me a weak smile and gripped my shoulder.
"You can help him…..I know you can" he tried to encourage me. "Please, make him face this, show him that he doesn't need to be proud for you, that your there for him no matter what!"
"But I am" I tried to explain.
"Show him then….he'll realise you're doing it because of how much you love him", he assured.
I knew what George was trying to do, build up my courage, bolster me, which I desperately needed. I glanced back at the door; I didn't imagine I would be back here again.
"You're sure he'll be in here?" I asked nervously.
"I'm sure" George confessed confidently
I turned towards the door, reaching for the rusty handle but paused and all I could do was stare.
"Remember when I told you to keep confronting Fred, that you're stronger than you think?"
I turned, glancing back at him, "do you remember that day, when I found you sitting outside….?" he continued.
"Yes, I remember. It was the first time you ever spoke to me!"
"Yes it was. You see, as quiet and shy as you think you are there's a little fire inside you Claudia, but you rarely use it, and it's the reason you and Fred are together in the first place. That day in the library, you used it when you confronted him for the first time didn't you?"
"Yeah, I guess I did." I admitted.
"Go on….then" he ushered, "there's no reason to be afraid, if you feel like you are then use it"
"Okay then…" I agreed.
George smiled at me and shrugged.
"Well, I'll leave you then, I'll be in my Gryffindor" and he turned quietly and began walking away.
I didn't know what to say next so I didn't say anything at all.
I just watched George until he was out of sight. This was something I had to do on my own. Glancing back down at the handle I took a deep breath and turned it.
All or nothing
Walking along the narrow stone passageway I shivered slightly. Just as cold and drafty as I remembered. The candle light danced along the walls, casting shadows as I passed by, getting nearer and nearer towards the dome shaped room where Fred would be. With every step my stomach tightened more and although I felt hesitant I continued on.
I stood silently, the archway above my head at the entrance to the room which I knew to be Weasley Headquarters. Inside it was deathly silent; the only noise I could hear was the crackle from the burning fireplace on the opposite wall. Two high backed armchairs where positioned in front of it, each just off centre allowing me to see the orange and red flames eat away at a freshly placed log. For a moment I thought that perhaps Fred wasn't here but then I focused on the left chair and I could see his arm hanging languidly over the armrest. A glass of fire whiskey was held loosely within his grip. The room was very dark, the only other light apart from the fire was the soft glow from a couple of candles mounted upon the mantelpiece. The atmosphere was cosy and relaxed, the amber glow almost made it feel welcoming to me.
I breathed quietly, trying to find my courage. Concentrating on his hand, for it was all of him that I could see. I opened my mouth to speak.
"I've come to talk to you Fred; I'm here to talk about the attack and what you went through, to talk about everything." I announced calmly, though inside desperately uneasy and shaky.
As the words came out of my mouth I watched the thick crystal glass slip from his fingers and hit the floor, but to my surprise it didn't smash, just clanged as it fell then rolled slightly spilling what little contents it had left inside.
I took a sharp intake of breath, and waited for his fiery response. For a few moments there was unbearable silence, he did absolutely nothing, then slowly he stood with his back to me eventually turning to face me. Standing tall and proud as always, his was face serious. But the soft glow of the fire turned his features gentle and I could see how handsome he truly was. His amber hair matched the colour of the light as all the shades seemed to blend into one. His dark eye's bore into mine, concentrating on me deeply.
He shook his head slowly.
"It will not be discussed" he announced, his voice low and wilful.
I took another breath and met his eyes with uncompromising stubbornness, shaking my head in return.
"It will be discussed" I said in defiance.
Fred glared back at me. I began to walk towards him until I was only a foot away, to physically confront him like I had once before. My heart was thundering now and I could hear the frantic drumming in my ears.
"Don't Claudia" he warned, his tone biting.
"Don't what? Talk about the fact you refuse to confront your fears? Finally face up to what happened to you that night in the Forest and share your feelings with someone else…"
He suddenly reached down and grabbed my wrist tightly in his hand, shaking me slightly as he did so.
"NO" he growled angrily…. "If this is the reason you're here then turn around and leave now!" he snapped.
"NO...I will not leave now. I have no intention of leaving and I have every intention of continuing our conversation until things are finally resolved" my voice was steady, my purpose resolute.
His eyes grew wide glaring at me and his lips parted in disbelief at my boldness. I was scared but I could feel a bravado building within me.
"You think everything is fine do you? You think its okay that you refuse to discuss the assault, you think that's normal? Is it normal that you wake soaking in sweat from the nightmares Fred?" I challenged.
He dropped my wrist roughly and immediately began pointing his finger at me.
"You're out of line Claudia, you're so fucking out of line" his voice acidic.
"I never once said it was okay to discuss this yet you keep on talking. Enough already, I'VE FUCKING HEARD ENOUGH!" Fred exploded, his eyes looking wild.
"That's the problem; it's never going to be okay with you, you never will allow anyone to help you. You need help".
"Help" He laughed.
"I'm not some child, I don't need help" he reiterated bitterly.
"No Fred, you're not a child but you're not a man yet either because if you were you wouldn't be behaving like this" I tried to explain calmly.
His face dropped instantly when I said that and he clenched his jaw tightly. He glared at me with a look of complete betrayal. I reached out for him, trying to touch his arm but he took a step back before I got the chance.
"What the hell is this? You're supposed to my girlfriend, you're supposed to be on my side. Yet your attacking me, insulting me" he hissed.
"I am on your side Fred, I'm trying to support you" I pleaded.
He shook his head at me again, eyes marking me with a look of disgust.
"No….no you're not" he growled, sneering at me.
He turned his back on me then and took a couple of steps towards the fire, standing on the thick black hearth rug that lay before it.
I walked up behind him and tugged at his wrist, trying to make him face to me again.
"Don't bloody turn your back on me Fred, stop fucking hiding and show me your feelings..." I demanded angrily.
But he forcefully pulled from me and I jerked back, losing my balance I began falling backwards. But he suddenly whipped around, grabbing me by the shoulders tightly. He may have saved me from a fall but he began to shake me with frustration.
"Leave me alone…..JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE"
He then seemed to groan and closed his eyes.
"I don't want to see you or speak with you, I'm so angry with you" he hissed.
"No Fred, I'm not leaving, I'm going to keep goading you until you open up to me! Until you tell me about the beating, until you tell me how you felt because I know that you were scared and that you thought you were going to die. That you can't stop thinking about it, that it haunts you and you're tired of pretending everything is okay. It's normal to be afraid; it's alright to feel vulnerable. You don't have to hide it inside anymore. You have to face it. You're not invincible, you have feelings and you can be weak as well as strong" I pleaded, desperately trying not to let my voice break as the words came out my mouth. It was so painful having to say this out loud to him.
"STOP IT…STOP IT!" He screamed.
Fred's painfully tight grip upon my shoulders forced me abruptly backwards until I hit the front of a bookcase with such speed that it knocked the wind from my lungs and I gasped and whimpered from the shock of the impact.
I think he shocked himself with his brunt and callous action because he stood gazing at me breathless, his expression was caught somewhere between rage and despair. His chest rising and falling frantically, his eyes glazed.
I inhaled the gulp of air I needed to continue, despite the sharp pain in my back.
"I not scared of you Fred, because I know that you love me as much as I love you" I whispered gently.
His expression depreciated and he grimaced when I said that, emotion suddenly flooded his face. His lips were pressed tightly together and he appeared heartbroken, so troubled and hurting. He stumbled backwards away from me, staring at me with sorrowful guilt ridden eyes until he collapsed into the chair and held his head in his hands.
I stood frozen. I just stared at him from across the room. Then my heart ached when I heard him….he quietly sobbed.
I felt numb as I witnessed him finally break, listening to him cry. It was a horrible sound.
I exhaled a long slow breath from my lips, trying to calm my heart and steel my nerves. I had to be the strong one.
Then I rushed over, falling to my knees before him as he hunched over in the chair. I put my arms around him, holding on to him tightly and felt complete relief when I felt him embrace me. He pulled me up towards him until I was sitting on his lap and he held on to me as tightly as I held on to him. I sat there for a good while allowing him the time, letting him cry into my neck, feeling his warmth. Letting him get rid of everything he'd been keeping inside. I didn't say a word, I didn't need to anymore. The hard part was over.
Feeling him so close, feeling him open up to me and show me at his most vulnerable I realised that I was finally ready, that it was the right time for us. For both of us to show how much we loved each other.
