PRODIGALS

TWENTYNINE

"So, what's happening, ship?"

Jack was standing at the console beneath the central column. The column was active, the rota rising and falling rhythmically, and therefore Jack believed, or at least surmised, that the TARDIS was underway.

There was no answer to his question. He began pacing.

"Um, do you want to tell me what's going on?"

Again there was a long period of silence in response.

"No? Well how about whether or not The Doctor knows where you are? Or even if he is okay?" Suddenly a terrible, simply dreadful thought occurred to Jack. "He is okay, isn't he? I mean you're not out looking for a new Time Lord or anything, are you? Because if you are… well, you're barking up the wrong tree, Dawg.

"Crap, what am I doing trying to talk to you, you obstinate, cantankerous old sorceress? Have you ever listened to me? Never! No more than The Doctor has ever listened to me… Well, that's not exactly fair, is it now? Of course he's listened to me...

"Ship, uh, TARDIS, I need to tell you The Doctor and I have had a bit of a falling out. If you're taking me to him, I'm not sure he's going to want to see me. Well, it's not so much of a falling out that we've had, really, as a miscommunication. And I'll be honest with you – the miscommunicating is mostly from my side of the fence, and it's not miscommunicating so much as not being honest. He never… well, he's never been dishonest with me or anything less than transparent about his feelings. I'm not saying he's not a tease, sometimes he is, but we all like to have our fun, and he's no different – I don't blame him for that. I can take it as well as dish it out. And I have to admit I present him a very tempting target.

"No, it's me. I'm the guilty party and I guess I can be man enough to admit it. My feelings towards him aren't 'honorable' as we used to say back in the bad old days. I want more from him than he wants to give me, although he gives me very much indeed – probably more than I deserve. You see, I want him. I want to possess him as he has possessed me – body and soul – by all the gods in the universe, I want him. But, what would happen then? I can't even bear to think beyond my desire. 'Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it,' goes that famous old Monkey's Paw curse. If I managed to obtain what I so badly want would we incinerate each other, just as two separate fires might come together only to consume one another, use up the available fuel, and then burn out?

"Ho! Now that would be intense, but fleeting. But, you see, that's not all that I want from him. I want him to love me. And gods, ship, I would want him to love me forever. And heaven help me I don't know that Time Lords are meant to love forever, and I fear that perhaps he isn't meant to love at all, not in that way. Not in the way I need him to love me."

Tears were streaming down Jack's face.

But then, incongruously, he began to laugh through the tears. "Oh, ship! Am I a wretched son-of-a-bitch or what? I'm surrounded by people who love and care about me, and who respect and admire me. And you want to know the funniest thing about that? Well, the next-to-funniest thing? It's that The Doctor is one of those people who cares about and respects me; I do not doubt for a moment that this special and precious man does indeed love me, and that's how pitiful I am! I do have his love but apparently it isn't enough.

"And what's the funniest thing, you may well ask? Well, I would hazard a guess that of all those people who care for me at least a few – and one in particular comes to mind – are probably asking the same questions about me that I'm asking about The Doctor: does he love? Can he love? Will he love?

"Oh my God," Jack sobbed softly for awhile, probably longer than he'd care to admit. He cried for many reasons that day, including the loss of something that was never his to lose in the first place. But finally there were no more tears left to cry.

"I need to see The Doctor. Will you please take me to him?"

And that was what the TARDIS was waiting to hear.