Jack took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Ianto wanted to go have coffee and talk. Jack wasn't sure whether the sudden attack of nerves tightening his insides was unwarranted hope or anticipatory worry. He reminded himself that he owed Ianto whatever graciousness he could muster. Jack turned. It struck him, standing there, looking at Ianto Jones, that while he hadn't forgot for a moment how gorgeous Ianto was, he seemed now even more special than he ever was to Jack. Jack wished with everything in him that the gulf of months that kept Ianto standing several feet away from him could be undone as easily as everything else that had happened in the last year. Could Ianto really understand that he was the only thing that let Jack find a way to endure being killed and reviving more times than he could count over that year?

Jack nodded, hoping his voice didn't betray him when he tried to talk. "Yeah, 'course. Any place you want," he said.

Ianto nodded in response. "Only place with drinkable coffee this late's out on the barrage," he said, considering the options.

"Fine with me," Jack said. "I still recommend taking a taxi, though."

"Yeah. Definitely," Ianto agreed, taking out his mobile.

Jack stood aside, watching Ianto as he rang to order them a car. He was so… professional and calm and organized. Jack couldn't help thinking that if anyone in the world could possibly put the chaotic force that was Torchwood in its place, it would be this man. Maybe having him around the Hb wasn't such a bad idea. And maybe it was also finally time to invest in advanced-tech body armour for his team, Jack decided.

Neither said anything for a while as they waited for their driver to arrive, just stood about on the pavement with their hands in their pockets, looking around at the perfectly ordinary residential neighborhood as if it were an architectural wonder. All that was missing was a conversation about the weather.

"Glad it quit raining," Jack said quietly. "Expect it won't stop long, though. Never really does round here."

Ianto was too tired to bother rolling his eyes at Jack's predictability. "Seem to recall you were the one who said rain is healthy."

"Well, rain in bigger cities does have some useful properties. For me, at any rate."

Ianto decided not to ask at the moment as he could see their car approaching. Ianto told the driver their destination and the two of them sat silent for the 17 minute drive to the barrage. Ianto couldn't help remembering how comfortable it had been spending time with Jack before he'd left, even when they weren't talking or doing anything but cuddling. This was decidedly not that, though. He wondered if it would even be possible to get back to where they'd been before in their growing relationship. He'd thought that surely they were forging something deeply tempered and enduring after Jack had died and come back to life and opened up to Ianto about his life. But Jack's disappearance had occurred at such a critical moment, just as they were moving forward from the whole non-death. He wasn't sure if where they'd got to by then was strong enough or still brittle and vulnerable.

Sat there with a total stranger driving didn't make the situation any less awkward for either of them.

When they arrived at the barrage, they both wasted no time getting over to the café and ordered a couple coffees. Ianto ducked his head to hide the little smile that sneaked up on him when Jack ordered his milky sweet, like he always did any time after noon.

As they moved to a table away from everyone else (which was basically just the late-shift barista), Jack reached out to stop Ianto taking a sip. "Look, are you really sure you should have a coffee? I mean, you're that tired, maybe you want to skip the stimulant?"

Ianto shook his head. "Over the last few months my caffeine tolerance has gone through the roof. I could have a double espresso and sleep like the dead an hour later – until the phone wakes me up three hours later to go get a Weevil back to the sewers."

"You should be careful with that. Caffeine can have a lot of long-term effects if you're having too much."

Ianto just gave Jack a raised eyebrow.

"Sorry," Jack said, "didn't mean to impose."

"I know you didn't. And I understand your concern," Ianto said, the weight in his tone making it plain to Jack that he didn't just mean about the potential for caffeine abuse.

"Well, I'm glad you can understand, but I still didn't explain myself very well in the first place." Jack sighed. "I'm not always great with words."

"I cannot look greenly nor gasp out my
eloquence, nor I have no cunning in protestation;
only downright oaths, which I never use till urged,
nor never break for urging
," Ianto murmured.

"Though it appear a little out of fashion,
There is much care and valour in this Welshman
," Jack responded.

Ianto couldn't help an appreciative laugh. "Well, we could sit here swapping Shakespeare all bloody night at this rate, but I don't know that it would get us anywhere."

Jack shrugged. "Don't know, could be very efficacious."

"Jack… I have no idea where we are at the moment. The two of us, between us, I mean. Not physically. And I have no idea where we might be headed, one way or the other. So, if there are things you don't want to tell me… that's understandable. And I'm not gonna a go, really. But I think my position bears some elucidation."

Jack nodded solemnly. "I'd say you're certainly entitled to that. Just, before you do, can I ask you one thing?"

"Ok," Ianto said, a bit warily.

"How are you, Ianto?" Jack asked sincerely.

Ianto sat there across from Jack considering his response for a while. If he felt Jack owed him as much truth as he could give, then Ianto owed Jack the same. "I'm tired, Jack. That hasn't been an unusual condition these last few months, but especially so today, for some reason. I woke up after having a lot of weird, vague dreams and felt like I hadn't slept in a year. Other than that, I'm also… conflicted. I'm incredibly relieved that you're back, but I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that's also a bit miffed. I was worried. Very worried."

Jack started to feel concerned when Ianto said he felt as though he hadn't slept, but Jack's guilt redoubled hearing that Ianto had been fretful about him the whole time. He reached across the table to hold Ianto's hand as he said, "I will always come back, Ianto. No matter what happens to me. So, really, you don't ever need to be worried about me."

"Can you really know a thing like that, Jack?" Ianto said quietly.

Jack gave the merest laugh. "Oh… I think it's a pretty sure bet. Turns out I'm a 'fixed point'. That probably requires some explaining, but basically it means that, according to fabric of the universe, I'll never not exist."

Ianto looked up at Jack for a long moment. Jack looked even more tired than Ianto felt. And more than tired, Jack looked… well, though he was good at masking it, beneath his countenance, Ianto could see an undercurrent of devastation in Jack's eyes. Ianto had barely even got his mind around the reality that Jack had been living (and dying) for the last 100-some years. That was hard enough to grasp. But this….

"I guess that means your Doctor couldn't fix it," Ianto said, feeling a bit foolish for stating the obvious, but still needing to say something.

"Nope," Jack shook his head. "Impossible. And wrong… according to him." Jack laughed again, appearing to address his cup of coffee. "Well, not the first the time I've been called that, anyway."

Ianto looked up sharply. "What do you mean 'wrong according to him'?"

Jack shrugged. "I shouldn't exist. I should be a fixed point, but I am, and it… well, I guess it… weirds him out. Time and continuity are kind of big deals for Time Lords, and fixed points… muddy the waters, I think."

"Well, let's just clear up one thing straight away – the only one who's 'wrong' is your Doctor. Whatever happened to you wasn't your own doing, as you've explained it, and if what happened to you was wrong, well, that doesn't bloody make you wrong, now does it?"

"I don't know. When I think of some of the things… and I've had plenty of time to think of them… maybe it's not so surprising that things always seem to go so poorly around me."

Ianto shook his head resolutely. "I won't hear that, Jack. Of course I can't understand what it's like, but from what you've told me, it's the closest thing to a living hell. And what business does this Doctor have telling you – the victim! – that you're wrong because of what afflicts you? What is he, some outer-space version of a plague doctor, going about casting the sick out of the city walls?"

"Of course not, Ianto. For one thing, I'm not contagious. But those around me have suffered, and -"

"And nothing! If that's the case, and if some action or inaction of your caused someone else distress, there's nothing for it but to make amends or at least make an effort to do so. Blaming it on your inability to die is an excuse, not an apology, because there is nothing inherent in your condition that would cause a problem for another person, and that's all there is to it."

"Sure about that?" Jack asked with his head lowered. "What about the fact that I barely age? Can you imagine being with me for any amount of time, seeing the changes in yourself, bit of grey sneaking in, a few laugh lines settling around the eyes… and then looking at me, and never seeing anything different?"

"Do you think I would keep score like that? That I'd be angry with you because you aren't keeping up… with the Joneses, as it were?"

"You wouldn't be the first, Ianto. There are psychological implications, a sort of dysphoria that comes on."

Ianto sighed, feeling the tiredness returning. "Jack, this is all leading back to the same thing it was before you left. I understand better in some ways, I realise now where a lot of the hurt comes from and that it's happened so many times that it must seem unavoidable. The thing is, Jack, if you've really been hurt so many times that you're no longer able to trust at all… then maybe it is unavoidable, because it will just end up being a self-fulfilling and self-perpetuating prophecy again and again. But you've got to decide that for yourself, because I can't be in a relationship that I'm constantly being shut out of."

Ianto picked up his coffee and headed toward the door.