Chapter 29

I enter the barn and Dad locks it from the outside. He'll be back in the morning to let me out. I set my backpack full of spare clothes (because I'll need them in the morning) in its usual hiding spot. I sit down and stare out the window, waiting for the moonlight to take its effect.

The best I can do is relax and wait. Not that it'd help much, but the transformation is painful enough without struggling.

"How are you holding up?"

I jump up and spin around. Fenrir smirks at me, his head tilted to the side.

"What are you doing here?" I demand.

"Easy, Tiger," he said, holding his hands out. "Just coming in to see how things are going for you."

"Why?"

"Well, I don't know how much your parents know about your mate," he said. "So let's just say I'm concerned. You are my favorite after all. And him being a human, it was bound to happen."

"What? Him leaving?"

"It's what humans are good at. Many of my sons came after a nasty break up."

"I wonder why. Showing up and talking to them about joining might put a downer on a relationship."

Fenrir shrugged.

"I'm not joining the pack. Since I'm an alpha, I don't really have to join."

"True, you can make your own pack. Every father's dream, mine included. But you have no control yet, Remus. You're raw, untamed. Join the pack, even if just long enough to learn how to control yourself. Not that you'd be able to leave afterwards, but when you make your own pack, I'll send you off into the world...like a parent, I suppose."

"No."

"Why not?" Fenrir asks. Before I can answer, his expression changes. "Oh. Yes. Marcus told me about Rousseau." He clicks his tongue, but grins evilly. "Nasty business, that is. But think of it this way: you don't have a mate anymore. He doesn't have a mate. So, diamyu."*

"Rousseau is a pervert and a stalker. He tried to rape me."

"But he didn't."

"Intent trumps deed, you asshole," I snap.

My body erupts in spasms and I fall to the ground, screaming. I claw the dirt as my joints dislocate and reform in all the wrong ways.

Fenrir's transformation is much smoother. I don't hear him scream once through our transformation.

I lie on the ground, whimpering and press my head against the ground.

"You see?" Fenrir said, pushing me up with his snout. "You're still in pain when you transform. You needn't feel that pain. I can teach you how to go through the transformation much more smoothly with less pain. But I can't do that if you don't join the pack."

"I won't be made Rousseau's bitch!"I bark, snapping my jaws at Fenrir.

Fenrir jumps back, startled, but then he tackles me, biting my neck. I cry. I can't help it, it hurt. A lot. He releases me and I back into the corner, my tail between my legs and my ears splayed back on my head.

"Sex is a natural drive, Remus," he says, "Especially for us. You know it—you've felt the desires amplified to torturous levels. The need to mate and the need to kill are much stronger for us. You're not just satisfying the human. You also need to look to the needs of the wolf."

"I don't love Rousseau. I don't know him."

"Does it really matter to you if you know him or not? Does it matter if you love him?"

"It matters!"

"Remus," Fenrir sits down and looks at me. "Love will only get in the way of the needs. Love is not a need. It's a wish. We can't be loved. History has proven that time and time again. The people we get too attached to die. Parents, friends, lovers. They will die because they know you. Because of what you are."

I stand again. "How would you know?"

"I loved once. And I lost her. I killed her. It's better to just get your needs out of your system and rely only on the pack than risk having a human mate. You will either kill them or turn them. Either way, you'll be torn and broken about it. Do you know how high the suicide rate is for werewolves?"

I do.

"We can only have each other. Rousseau has his needs and he desires you."

"Rape is still rape," I growl.

"True. Very true. How about we come to a compromise. I can't let you kill him—unless he attacks you. He wants you, so he will attack you. But you can't kill unless he does and you can't kill him after the attack. But the moment he does attack you, you can kill him and I'll pardon it."

"And if I kill him before or after?"

"Then your life is forfeit. I don't condone kin killing. We have to trust one another after all." He lies down. "Is the pot sweetened enough for you, Puppy?"

"Yes," I say, propping myself up to sitting position and scratched the back of my ears.

Fenrir stares at me, waiting for an answer. "This is your last chance, Remus. You were pretty determined the last time we met you wouldn't join us."

"I've made my decision. And I will rip Rousseau's throat out."

Fenrir stands and bounds at me, pinning me to the ground. "You know once you're part of the pack, there's no backing out. You're life is in my hands now, Remus."

"I understand," I whimper.

Fenrir releases me and I stand up again and yawn. "We leave now."

I rise to all fours. Fenrir runs at the barn door and rams it. I follow him into the forest.

I don't even think about what I'm leaving behind.

In the morning, my dad will come and see that I've broken out.

He'll freak out, call the neighbor's, and look for indication that farm animals or a human had been killed in the night. My mom will be inconsolable.

But I don't think about it.

Not even once.

#

Home is one thing. You're safe there.

Mom tucks you in at night, sings a lullaby, and kisses your forehead. When you're little, Dad might have had time enough to let you sit on his knee and he'll read you a story while Mom makes dinner.

Even when you're older, home is safe. Home is a place where you can stay a child.

School is another experience. You're eyes are being opened. You can't be a child anymore. Here, you learn how to be an adult.

What was once a foreign idea—like wanting someone to hold you who isn't your mother or father, to be kissed passionately in the hallway, and let your sexual curiosities run rampant—is now something you want to know.

All the while, you're learning to be responsible from adults who are not your family, but your teachers: the masters and mistresses dedicated to helping you become an adult.

But being in a werewolf pack—there's the challenge. There is no maintenance of innocence in the pack. No matter what age you are, the moment you join you're an adult.

You're a hunter and a killer.

You can't let emotions get in the way.

Don't like what's happening? Go alpha yourself and start your own pack.

To eat, to sleep, to kill, to have sex—it's all necessity, not desire.

Emotions are links to innocence.

Be the monster you're called to be. Leave the human behind.

That's exactly what it's like to be in a pack.

But it's not without its rules.

Some people compare the pack to a basic wolf pack.

Some compare it to a gang.

A werewolf pack is more like the mafia. They're not blood to you, but they're you're family nonetheless.

If the Minister of Magic runs the magical community in the light trying to keep us safe and out of harm's way, then Voldemort runs England from the shadows, aiding in the corruption and racism. And further still, Fenrir is the Godfather.

No one crosses into our world in this land without those three men knowing.

I wish I could say I was able to say I killed Rousseau over the summer. I never got my chance to. Like I said, he was too strong for me.

~Present Day~

"Is that everything?" Severus asks.

I shake my head. "There are few more stories I could tell." I look at Severus, mentally begging him not to make me say anymore.

The clock on the mantelpiece had begun to chime ten o'clock.

We were out way past curfew and if we dared to venture out of this room—well, we'd get points taken and perhaps detention.

But regardless of that, I want to sleep. I want Severus to hold me and kiss me. I want my summer to be just a very bad dream.

"Everything Remus."

"Can't it wait till tomorrow?" I say, trying not to beg. I don't want to tell about the next two full moons.

Severus leans forward and takes my hands in his. "Just get it out of the way. Then we'll decide what to do next."

"Severus, I'm tired."

"I know."

"Please, can't it wait?"

He runs his fingers through his hair. He wants to say yes, I can see it in his eyes. He shakes his head. "Not yet. We can skip classes tomorrow, if it helps."

My eyebrows rise up my brow. "Did you just say we can skip classes?"

"We're going to oversleep anyway," he says. "Now what happened after you joined the pack?"


*Phonetics only from memory of an episode of Supernatural S.4 or S.5 when Castiel and Dean go to a brothel. I know this is wrong. If anyone knows what was actually said and knows how to spell it, please tell me and I will fix it.