Chapter 29
Sitting down at the side of the bed, Andy took a moment to collect his thoughts and he could hear Piper and Phoebe move to the other side of the bed. Looking up he met their gazes and was grateful for the encouraging smile they both gave him. He then turned to look at Prue.
He used his other hand to gently brush some hair away from her forehead and let his hand linger down the side of her face relishing the feel of her skin. It had been far too long since had touched her in that way. Far too long since he had held her hand and felt her warmth. 'Warmth!' he thought. 'How could she be so warm when she was just lying there and had been for days. How could she be so warm when all the life had been beaten out of her?'
He abruptly shook his head to stop his wandering mind. He couldn't think about that now. He had to concentrate on all the things he needed to say to her. The things he needed her sisters to hear and believe.
Taking a deep breath, Andy looked at Prue and began. "First of all I want you to know how sorry I am. We found the journals Prue and I am truly sorry. Sorry for not staying, sorry for not being there for you and sorry for not understanding. But you weren't the only one who suffered Prue. I did too. Every moment I was away from you I wanted to be with you. Every time the phone rang I wanted it to be you, and every time the doorbell rang I opened the door hoping beyond hope that you were standing on the other side."
"That first year in college I must have picked up the phone at least twice a day to call you. On special days like your birthday, our anniversary, the anniversary of your mother's death, I must have picked up the phone about 20 times. Our separation was tearing me apart but I couldn't bring myself to finish dialling the number. Maybe a small part of me wanted to punish you, to punish you for putting your sisters before us and I know now that that was selfish but damn it Prue I was young – what the hell did I know?"
"I used to lie in bed at night wondering what you were doing, if you were seeing anyone, if your Grams was still being hard on you. You were all I thought about and certainly all I dreamed about. I sued to dream of us together doing simple things like going to a movie, or walking in the park, or even making out on our swing. I used to hear your laugh in my dreams and I would wake up haunted by your smell."
Tears steadily made their way down Andy's cheek and slowly dripped onto his hand covering Prue's. He had known once he started it would be hard to stop but he hadn't imagined it would feel so liberating to finally be able to say all of this to Prue – even if she was technically awake to hear it. He quickly glanced across at her sisters to find them holding hands and gently sobbing, and he could tell by the looks on their faces they were genuinely touched by what they were hearing.
"A few days after the dreams started I went out to the local drug store and bought everything you had used. Your shampoo, your deodorant, your perfume – you name it I bought it. My college room mate must have thought I was strange but I was oblivious at the time. I just needed something familiar around which would remind me of you and that was it. Don't get me wrong, I did have photos and mementos of you but they were too painful to look at all the time. I kept them hidden away in a box in my closet and they only ever came out when I was feeling really down. God I sound like girl!" he said, chuckling briefly and breaking the tension in the room.
"When I came home at Christmas I passed by your house most days, trying to get a glimpse of you. Only once did I see you. You were in your room and I stood across the street watching you for what felt like hours. You were sat in your big comfy chair, hair tied back in a ponytail, gasses on, cup of tea next to you and a book in your hands. For a while nothing happened and I was content just to look at you. But then I saw you put down your book and reach for your phone and all of a sudden your face lit up. Someone had obviously called and you looked so happy to hear from them. I assumed it was your boyfriend and I was gutted. I was pissed that you had moved on so quickly after everything we said we meant to each other and I had spent my first year of college missing you, so I left."
"Obviously now, after interviewing you the other week with Morris, I know that was not the case. God, if only I hadn't jumped to conclusions. If I hadn't thought that I may have come over to see you and we may have sorted things out. But I messed up again and now look who is paying for it."
He knew Piper and Phoebe were about to interrupt to say it wasn't his fault but he just kept going, knowing he couldn't stop now.
"But you know what Prue? This isn't only partly my fault. You have to accept the majority of the blame and your Grams should be held accountable for the rest. I know she was hard on you and I know you were given far too much responsibility at such a young age. But you never stood up to her Prue! You! The one person I always knew who would stand up to bullies, teachers, even police officers if I remember correctly, but never to your Grams. All because she would always bring your mother into it. I know you missed your mother desperately and I know you felt bad that Piper and Phoebe couldn't really remember her, but that is no excuse Prue. I have never and will never be able to understand why you carry so much guilt for your mother's death".
At this Piper and Phoebe looked directly at Andy with questioning gazes. They had never known Prue felt guilty for what happened to their mother. How could she? It was no-one's fault after all.
Andy could feel their gazes and knew he was going to have explain everything. He couldn't bear to keep another of Prue's secrets from them, knowing how much it had hurt them already.
"Prue, your mother took you up to the lake that day because you wanted to go swimming. It was her choice She wanted to treat you and to make you smile. It was your mother's idea to play hide and seek whilst she waited in the water because she knew it was your favourite game. You couldn't of known she would get into trouble swimming back and end up drowning. You did everything you could Prue. You called for help when you realised something was wrong and you told them everything. Please believe me Prue, it wasn't your fault!"
Piper and Phoebe were stunned. They had never been told that version of events. They hadn't even been told Prue was there. They couldn't believe they had been lied to all their lives about their own mother's deaths.
Andy turned to them knowing what they were thinking. "Before you go thinking what I know you want to think, this was one secret Prue didn't want to keep. She was desperate to tell you, I guess to absolve the guilt she felt. She thought it was her fault your mother died and you lost out on everything you did. Your grandmother blamed her I think. I think that is what fuelled her treatment of Prue as she grew up. But I have since read the police reports and it was really was an accident. There was nothing your sister could have done at such a young age. She watched them bring your mother to shore. She watched them try to revive her, and then she watched them take her away in a body bag."
"I didn't know any of this for years after we began dating. But then one night we were studying at mine and Prue fell asleep. She suffered a nightmare, flashbacks I guess you could call it. She woke up screaming, shaking like crazy and crying so hard it took me 30 minutes to calm her down enough to talk. It all came pouring out then and I held her as she relived everything. I tried to tell her that it was not her fault but by that time she had already convinced herself it was and nothing I could do or say was going to change her mind. She said she wanted to tell you both so much but Grams had forbidden it. I had never seen her looking so lost, alone or desolate. She was almost inconsolable. But then the next time I saw her it was as if it had never happened. She had buried it again and refused to talk about it."
"I know she kept a lot from you but this was something she was made to conceal. Even after Grams died, no doubt she felt that compulsion to do as her grandmother had instructed. You have to understand, that the Grams you both grew up with was not the one Prue grew up with. The pull she exerted from your mother's death would shape everything Prue did with her life."
"I'm sorry you had to find out this way, I really am. But I think you needed to know that the blame isn't just Prue's to shoulder."
Turning back to Prue he continued. "Having said all that Prue, you cannot imagine how angry I am with you right now. You may well lie there thinking 'how can you say that after telling my sisters everything you just did' but you know what? I can say it because it's how I feel. I know you went through hell but to lower yourself to being with a man who beats you? Is that how you deal with your guilt? You think you deserve this because of what you've been told you are guilty for?"
"That's the most ridiculous, pathetic excuse I have ever heard. Or maybe it's because you wanted some attention for once? You think the best way to get attention is to get yourself a psychopathic fiancé? Even more pathetic. You could have got over all of this Prue. You had sisters who loved you, and friends who cared. They would have done anything for you, anything at all. But instead you thought you knew best. Instead you thought you knew the best way to deal with everything that had happened to you. You thought that by burying it, and keeping everything to yourself, that everything would be ok? Well look what happened. You have hurt your sisters so much more than they deserve. You have put yourself through more hell than any one person should have to deal with and if I'm being honest, I don't know if you are strong enough to deal with it all. And finally, sorry to sound selfish, but you have sent me to hell and back. Don't you get it Prue? I love you. I always have and seeing you again has shown me that I always will. You mean everything to me and whether you are with me or not, it hurts to see you in so much pain. So please Prue? I will so anything you want, anything at all. Just please wake up and help us to help you through this nightmare." Andy finished, crying as he finally admitted to her that he loved her.
As Piper, Phoebe and Andy each regained their composure, they each kissed Prue good bye on her forehead and collectively made their way out of the room to go and speak to Prue's doctors. As the door swung shut behind Andy, Prue's hands began to move slightly, unnoticed by anyone and alone in the hospital room.
