A/N My goodness this chap took a while to get out! I've had the document open on my computer for days, and it's taken that long to write! But finally, after hours of toiling and blood, sweat, and tears, another upload!

-Nightshade

I don't own Criminal Minds!

Get Through

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Today was a visiting day. It was a routine, just like everyone else had. Some people had specific days set aside for grocery shopping, others for laundry to be done, and others for housecleaning. Everything in life had a specific timeslot, color-coded and sticky-tabbed in the great agenda of life. I, on the other hand, had hospital visiting days, the days where I knew to sleep in a little later to make sure I'm fully rested, the days that I take a little extra time in the bathroom on my hair and makeup to compensate for how awful about myself I'd be feeling when my child once again rejected me, the days where I'd take that spare five minutes and enjoy the solitude and rest in my mind before the small space was filled with all the quarreling of a thousand armies. JJ knew the routine without me even needing to speak a word, simply noticing the little behavioural tells I showed. The slightest tension held in my shoulders, the faintest mist of preoccupation glazing my eyes, she really could have become a profiler easily, either that, or I walked around with a giant billboard proclaiming my every thought and whim, because all my other colleagues made it seem so. We met in the car, I tended to pull away from her on those mornings when I was stressed, old habits die hard I suppose. She seemed to understand it though, a subtle reminder of how we had adapted to each other's preferences and quirks after the series of arguments we'd had. Her greeting was silent and unintrusive, an offering of coffee in a travel mug while we sat in the car. I gratefully accepted it, a reminder that I wasn't shutting her out completely; I just needed the silence to process my thoughts. I took her hand in mine, telling myself that it was another reminder to JJ that she wasn't being closed out by my mental walls, when truly I just wasn't ready to admit to myself that I needed the support of someone there with me. The hospital was unchanged; I'd been there so many times that the slightest wilt of a flower or tarnish of a window stood out glaringly. We remained linked by our joined hands as we followed the familiar path through the hospital towards the psych ward, which was once again filled by the bubbly, lilting accented voice belonging to Poppy.

"… it's really beautiful out there today!" she was exclaiming loudly in a matter-of-factly voice.

"It's cold and drippy and loud, what's pretty about that?" Tegan rebutted, her voice taking on a faux-complaining edge instead of her usual whiny tone.

"The colors are all gently faded, like that familiar photograph you'd constantly look at as a kid, and it smells like fallen leaves and winter, have you ever noticed that? And it's just cold enough that the hairs on the back of your neck prickle, and your feet and hands tingle, and your lungs are filled with the brisk air, and you feel alive. It's perfect."

"You said that about the last few days, is there ever a non-perfect day in your eyes?"

"Well, a few, but I choose not to remember those. Everything's perfect it you look at it in a certain light." Just as Poppy finished explaining we walked in, and just as last time, my daughter fell silent.

"What are you two doing here." The question came out lacking any intonation, like it was a statement instead.

"Visiting my daughter." I curtly replied. I could feel Poppy's eyes on me, as if they could soak in all the energy I was radiating and analyze it. Not profiling no, something deeper, like she was scanning my soul.

"Well I don't want you here. And I especially don't want HER here." JJ went rigid, suddenly being singled out from the group. I had the nagging feeling that this was a constant feeling for her, like she was always a little on the outside.

"She has a name." I replied in an immovable tone. I didn't want her to believe that she had any ability or control to push me away. I was her mother, and she needed a mother in this situation. My train of thought was interrupted by JJ's rejected sobs, and the poor job she was doing of concealing them. Poppy jumped up immediately, not touching the distraught woman, but her willowy hand hovering close enough to know she was there.

"Here, come with me." She offered, ushering her silently out of the room and leaving me and my daughter alone, separated by a few feet and a miles-thick barrier of Prentiss walls, chilly and hard as a glacier.

"Listen to me." I started off firmly. Her eyes were reluctant to meet mine, but eventually silver met brown, duelling silently in a battle of wills.

"I. Will. Fuck. Up. I'm human too. We all are. And what JJ said was a ginormous, humungous spectacular fuck-up on her part, but that's all it was. You didn't even have anything to do with it, I was being a distant, silent, icy bitch by pulling away from her and she was angry so she yelled. She yelled things she regrets, but that's what happens when you're angry. She never, ever meant you any harm. And to demonstrate that, she's been beating herself up over those few words ever since they left her mouth, and if you keep driving that spike into her heart, eventually it'll kill her! So stop it. Stop holding onto this, because you're hurting yourself. I know you've been through tough times, and that description doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the shit-pile you've had to put up with, but you're a Prentiss. We fight like hell through all this, we put our head down and achieve, while acting like icy, distant bitches on occasion. But please, let her have this one, because you know that carrying it around is too much." Tegan's eyes were as sharp and hard as flint, brewing with repressed anger.

"Why? Why should I? To save you from having to choose between us, because I know how those choices always turn out." Not this again! Seriously how many times do I have to go over this with her!

"I am not abandoning you! Jesus Christ I thought you knew that by now! What do I have to do to get that across to you, handcuff myself to you for the rest of my life? No, I don't want to choose, and it would be an impossible choice, which is why I refuse to make it. I'm keeping you both, because I love you both. Get it? I. Love. You. So stop pushing me away, stop picking fights with my girlfriend, stop saying I'm going to abandon you because I'm not! Whenever you do that, forget hurting you, it hurts me! It hurts me to see JJ get up and go along with me to see you, and leave here crying each time, it hurts me when you sneer and cuss and hide from me, it hurts me that I have to visit the hospital to see you, it hurts me to see my child, bleeding to death on the floor- and you know what I do? I lock it down, because if I let myself feel all that hurt then I'd fall apart, and if I fell apart then you'd fall, and JJ'd fall, and we'd all just end up in some big shattered pile of brokenness on the floor so please- please Tegan, stop it!" I gasped, feeling light headed from my long-winded rant. I knew I was crying, and yelling like a maniac, and some part of my mind told me that doing that in a psych ward was a sure-fire way to get a needle of sedative in my side and a free room for a while. But I was ragged and tired, I needed to yell. The waves of adrenaline which caused my heart to race unnaturally fast and my fists to clench managed to shake free more tears, my shoulders shaking like the foundation of a great building about to cave in. Tegan just stared, that's what she seemed to do when she was put in a stressful situation, stand back and watch it unfold.

"Oh." She admitted softly, dropping her eyes once again in defeat. She scooted over on the bed until she was sitting beside me, her hand hovering above mine like she was unsure what to do. The frail, bony, spiderlike appendage dipped unsteadily, and before she could attempt to hold my hand, I grabbed hers by the wrist. Jerkily, like my arm wasn't under my control, I turned her forearm so that the underside of her arm, pale and tender like a fish belly, and brought scars, undergoing multiple different stages of healing, beneath the glaring light.

"This-This. Can't. Happen. Again." I stressed, choking the words out through my tears, yet trying to make sure she understood.

"Okay." She responded, equally shaky. I finally released her hand from my white-knuckled grip. It hovered, like a feral beast set free, before returning and grasping my hand tightly. The physical connection nearly brought forth more tears, which I hid away because I decided I'd done enough crying for the day. Just as we finished our semi-reconciliation, Poppy came back in, a shaken smile on her face and noticeable tearstains on the shoulder of her sweater.

""JJ's waitin' out in the hall for you." She announced, looking slightly sheepish. I couldn't help feeling a great amount of gratitude for this quirky redheaded girl, between staying with JJ and somehow helping heal my daughter, I'm pretty sure she's changed my life in more ways than one. I gave Tegan a loving glance, pulling her in for a quick hug, which she surprisingly reciprocated.

"Tell JJ I'm sorry for hurting her okay? Tell her I know it was an accident." She whimpered, her delicate voice changing her entire demeanor once again. Instead, behind my closed eyes, I had the delusion that I was hugging a six year-old, ashamed for breaking some heirloom vase or something of the sort. Tegan just had that weird ability to go from rebellious and teen-like, to sage and mature, to weak and childlike, right before my eyes. I let go of my daughter, bidding her goodbye before getting pulled into a quick hug from Poppy.

"I'm not really a handshake kind of gal." she chuckled as she let go, letting me walk out into the waiting room where JJ sat.

"How are you?" we both asked at the same time, in unison, before briefly chuckling at it. JJ looked obviously distraught, and I figured I must have looked at least as bad for her to ask me how I was doing. She had planned ahead for this apparently, by not wearing eye-makeup and avoiding teary smudges, but her eyes were still reddened, and she was still sniffling delicately.

"Fine. That Poppy girl is… something." She giggled briefly. I chuckled slightly to myself, my own way of voicing my agreement.

"C'mon, let's get going Hon." I nudged her slightly, tucking her into the crook of my arm and heading out. While we were met with the frigid air, I remembered something from earlier.

"JJ? Tegan told me that she's sorry for shutting you out, that she knows what you said was an accident." I reassured. As soon as she heard me, I could feel her physically relax. She slumped against my figure, the tension materializing from her shoulders, a sigh escaping her lungs. She looked up at me, tears of relief shining in her eyes. Her mouth gaped open, shutting and opening like a fish on land occasionally as she tried to speak, but no words came out. The words were immaterial though, because it was all written on her face. Finally, after hours of crying and crying and self-loathing and more crying, she could finally let herself off the hook.

A/N reviews really make my day! They're like early Christmas presents!