ZA: Sooooo...disclaimer?

Crispy: Who's on the schedule today?

ZA: Let's have Renji do it.

Renji: Will there be food?

Crispy: Do you see any food around here?

ZA: I have mints.

Renji: Sigh. What kind?

ZA: They're blue! So Crispy doesn't want any.

Crispy: Blue food is unnatural.

Renji: It's candy. And blueberries are blue.

Crispy: I don't like blueberries. Plus, they turn purple when you cook them.

Renji: Zsugami Alba does not known-

ZA: Does not known?

Renji: Sorry. Does not OWN Harry Potter or Bleach. Now give me my mints.

ZA: I said I had some. I didn't say I'd give you any.

Renji: Some hostess you are.

'Thoughts'

Parseltongue

Chapter 29: Hiss, Zabimaru!

"Where is everyone?" Haru looked around at empty streets. Everything was quiet. Too quiet. "I know this is the afterlife and everyone is technically dead, but they're not really dead dead, are they?"

Ichigo rolled his eyes. "You've met Rukia."

"Right. So is everyone partying somewhere else, or something? Is there a town hall meeting? I thought you said this would be fun."

"This is the Rukon District," Ichigo sighed. "They don't like strangers. The Sereitei is where the soul reapers live. It's this way." He strode off in the direction he'd just indicated.

Haru jogged to catch up. "They like strangers, right?"

Ichigo didn't meet his eyes. "Uh...not particularly. The first time I visited, everyone kept trying to kill me."

Haru stopped short and waited a few moments for Ichigo to notice. When his brother turned to look at him, Haru glared. "You brought me to a place where they shoot first and ask questions later?"

Ichigo looked sheepish. "Well, I was here illegally to bust Rukia out of jail, so...they were sort of justified. But it's cool now. I'm one of them. Only not dead."

"And you think my being a wizard is weird."


"Hello, Jidanbo!" Ichigo called to the giant standing in front of an even gianter (more giant?) gate.

Jidanbo peered down at him. "Ah! Ichigo Kurosaki. Do you have papers this time?"

"Just my substitute soul reaper pass," said Ichigo, holding up his wooden pentagon.

Jidanbo examined it closely. "Appears to be in order. And your companion?"

Ichigo and Haru exchanged a nervous glance. "He's my plus one," said Ichigo.

Jidanbo frowned. "Plus one? I'm not familiar with that term."

Ichigo shrugged. "You know, this pass allows me admittance, plus one guest."

"Hmm...I suppose that sounds reasonable," said Jidanbo. "Very well. You may both enter."

"Thanks, Ji!" said Haru with a cheerful wave. "Nice meeting you!"

Jidanbo grinned and waved back. "Nice meeting you, Plus One!" He then proceeded to open the gate and allow them to pass through into the city proper.


Haru studied a suspiciously familiar crack in a nearby wall. "I think we're lost. Didn't we pass that crack ten minutes ago?"

Ichigo scoffed. "We're not lost. I know exactly where we are. We're near...uh...that one place...I think I fought Ikkaku here. Oh yeah. There's where the sand pit was." He pointed to a spot that most definitely did not have a sand pit.

"I suppose they relocated it since the last time you were here?" offered Haru.

Ichigo frowned. "No. They paved it over, I think. They're always making repairs. Especially near Squad E...le..ven. Oh no." His eyes widened. "We need to get out of here quick."

Haru was confused. "Isn't Squad Eleven the one that does those bonding weekends? They can't be that dangerous."

Just then a guy with crazy red hair and even crazier eyebrows came strolling around the corner. The redhead stopped short when he saw Ichigo and Haru. "Ichigo? What are you doing here? I'd have thought you'd avoid Squad Eleven's barracks like the plague, what with Kenpachi looking for a rematch."

"I got lost!" Ichigo cried. "Quick, Renji! Get us out of here!"

Renji ignored his pleas and turned his attention to Haru. "Who's the kid?"

Haru would've taken offense at being called a kid, but he was distracted by a distinctly familiar hissing coming from Renji's left side. Sssstupid massster. Jussst leave them to the sssavage. I have no wish to contend with Missster Jinglesss today.

"Who's Mister Jingles?" asked Haru.

"Mister Jingles?" asked Renji, eyes darting around furtively. "Where did you hear that name?"

Ichigo was the confused one now. "Who's Mister Jingles?"

"That's what I said," Haru pointed out. Both brothers looked at Renji expectantly.

"That's what Zabimaru calls Kenpachi," Renji admitted in a low voice. "You're not to repeat that to anyone," he warned them.

Ichigo couldn't help laughing. "Mister Jingles! That's hilarious! All the bells!"

Haru sighed with impatience. "Please share with the rest of the class?"

"Kenpachi is the captain of Squad Eleven," explained Ichigo. "He wears little bells on the ends of his hair to warn people of their imminent doom."

"The cat belled himself?" asked Haru. "That's either confident or crazy."

"Both," said Renji. "But where did you hear that name? I've never told anyone before now."

Haru shrugged. "I heard it from a snake." He glanced behind Renji. "It's around here somewhere."

Renji looked skeptical. "You heard it from a snake?"

"Yeah, Haru can talk snake," said Ichigo. "It's a wizard thing."

Ooooh! A ssspeaker! said the hidden snake. Finally some decccent conversssation. No offenssse, Massster, but you're not all that sssmart.

No offenssse? snorted Haru. Mossst people don't appreciate you calling their intelligenccce into quessstion.

"Okay, that's creepy," said Renji.

"Eh, you get used to it," said Ichigo. "He talks to his albino cobra all the time. Apparently he sings." He turned to Haru. "You can hear his zanpakuto?"

Haru looked surprised. "His zanpakuto speaks parseltongue?"

"It's a baboon with a snake for a tail," said Ichigo. "Both ends talk."

"Eulgh. That's disturbing," said Haru.

Renji nodded. "The first time I dreamed about Zabimaru, I thought I was crazy, but he's actually pretty cool. Until the heads start arguing with each other. I tend to tune him out most of the time because of it."

I wasss worried you had lossst your hearing from ssso many misssfired kido ssspellsss. Apparently it wasss jussst rudenesss.

Haru laughed. Ichigo looked lost. "What did he say?"

"Renji's bad at kido. Apparently, Zabimaru thought it was causing permanent damage."

Ichigo laughed, much to Renji's displeasure. "You know," he told Ichigo, "I could always let Kenpachi know you're in town."

Ichigo immediately fell silent. "I think I should visit Rukia first. Give my little brother the tour."

Haru smirked. "Yeah, Ichigo. Let's go visit your girlfriend."

Renji's crazy eyebrows rose a few inches. "Girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend!"


"Are you sure you know where you're going this time?" Haru asked his brother.

"Yes, I'm sure," said Ichigo. "We're right around the corner from Squad Thirteen. I recognize that plant."

"It looks just like all the other plants around here," Haru pointed out. Then they turned the corner and saw Rukia.

"Ichigo!" she yelled. "Where have you been? You were supposed to meet me at the Squad Thirteen barracks."

Ichigo looked around, confused. "You mean this isn't it?" Haru smirked.

Rukia rolled her eyes. "Of course not. It's Squad Ten. Can't you see these plants are suffering from frostbite?"

Haru's smirk morphed into a puzzled frown. "Why would Squad Ten's plants have frostbite?"

An angry shout sounded from a nearby building. "MATSUMOTO!" Suddenly, the ground froze over, and the poor plants were covered in icicles.

Realization dawned on Haru. "Is that the guy who froze the toilet?"

"Yup," said Ichigo. "Highlight of the week. Too bad the pipes burst. Cleanup wasn't so fun. He's very distrusting of anything more advanced than an outhouse now."

Haru and Rukia looked at Ichigo disapprovingly. "Shame on you," said Haru. "I'm sure Toilet Guy is a very nice person, and you're persecuting him for your own enjoyment."

Rukia smacked Haru on the arm. "His name is Hitsugaya, not Toilet Guy."

Haru shrugged. "Sorry. I was not informed." He grinned as Rukia turned and smacked Ichigo on the arm instead.

"What was that for?" Ichigo asked.

"Do I need a reason?"

"Sorry to interrupt your lovers' quarrel," said Haru, "But it's getting pretty cold here."

"My apologies," said a calm, controlled voice. "I'm afraid I allowed my temper to get the best of me." Everyone turned to see Toshiro Hitsugaya walking towards them. "Rukia, have you seen my lieutenant? She's made an absolute mess of the paperwork, and I can't find the work order forms for the gardeners."

Rukia surveyed the damaged plants. "Yes, your plants do seem to require extra attention."

"Have you tried artificial vegetation?" asked Haru. "They make them quite lifelike now, and they'll stay green all year round."

Hitsugaya looked intrigued. "Artificial plants? What are they made of?"

"Silk and plastic, I think," said Haru. "Or you could try hardier plants. I'm told that mandrakes are very resilient. Plus, their foliage is quite lovely. Just don't dig them up without earplugs."

"Why would I need earplugs to dig up plants?" asked Hitsugaya.

"The mandrake root has a scream that can kill," explained Haru. Everyone stared at him. "Oh. I forgot. Sorry."

Ichigo tsked at him. "Haru, that was incredibly insensitive of you."

Rukia smirked. "He's obviously your brother. I remember a time when you told me to 'get a life'."

"Ichigo!" Haru shouted.

"It's a figure of speech!" cried Ichigo. "I didn't mean it literally!"

Hitsugaya shook his head. "I honestly don't care. I've been dead so long I'm not offended by people who fail to acknowledge it."


Haru signed the paper with what he hoped was a girly flourish. "Does Matsumoto punctuate her sentences with hearts or flowers?" he asked Hitsugaya.

The captain frowned. "I have no idea. I've never actually seen her handwriting. Use your own discretion."

Haru nodded and put pen to paper once again. "Daisies it is." He handed the finished document, an employee satisfaction survey, to Hitsugaya. "There you go. According to Matsumoto, you are an extremely talented and witty captain and should be gifted with a kitten."

Hitsugaya frowned. "Sadly, that sounds exactly like her." He sighed and placed the survey on top of his 'out' box. "I really appreciate you helping me with these. I have no idea where Matsumoto wandered off to, but she always seems to turn up missing when I need her for mundane tasks like this."

"Not a problem," said Haru. "I'm actually having fun. Does your third seat deserve a turtle or a penguin? I think the penguin would be more practical, but not everyone likes penguins."

Hitsugaya shook his head. "Neither. Matsumoto can't stand him. Make sure her review is derogatory and scathing."

"Right. I'll just channel Snape commenting on Neville's essays." The two wrote in silence for a few minutes before Haru looked up. "Say, Hitsugaya? If you've been dead for a long time, why do you look so young?"

Hitsugaya sighed. "I died young. I'm never going to look older than I do now. Unfortunately."

"Unfortunately?" said Haru. "Are you kidding me? Think of all the advantages your cute, little face gives you."

"What?!"

"Well, think about it. Next time Matsumoto tries to sneak off, just give her your saddest expression - puppy dog eyes, protruding lower lip, the works. Women are suckers for a sad kid face."


Meanwhile, Matsumoto was paying a visit to Captain Kuchiki. "I hear congratulations are in order!" she cried.

Kuchiki frowned. "Why?"

"Renji told Ikkaku, who told Yumichika, who told Yachiru, who told Maki Maki, who told me that Ichigo and Rukia are practically engaged! Although it doesn't seem all that practical to me."

Kuchiki stared blankly at her.

"Oh," muttered Matsumoto. "You...didn't...know. Oops! Gotta run! Lots of paperwork to do!"

Her quick departure went unnoticed by Kuchiki, who had retreated into his own mind, reeling from this unexpected news.

'Practically...engaged? To Ichigo? NOooooooooo! This can't be happening! They can't like each other. He's completely wrong for her. He's...alive...and...orange. I'm going to have to forbid them from seeing each other. But...what if she actually thinks she's in love with him? By forbidding their love, I'll actually be encouraging her to rendezvous with him in secret - Without a chaperone! And that will inevitably lead to a rushed ceremony before the baby comes! What if it's twins? Two babies! Two miniature, orange-haired, loudmouthed, sort-of-alive kids! Where will they go? Where will they live, stay, exist? How will I get them into a good school?'

"Captain? I have the forms you requested," said Renji. "Captain?"

Kuchiki was unresponsive. He just stood there, staring at nothing, a blank look on his face.

"Oh," Renji whispered, "You're meditating again. I'll just put the sign on the door." He tiptoed out of the office and hung a Do Not Disturb sign on the little hook above the door frame.

'What if one of them is a girl and takes ballet classes? And the other one takes...some sort of music lessons? How many recitals will they have every year? What if they have more children? I'll be spending all my time attending excruciatingly amateur talent shows. I'll get behind in my paperwork. It'll pile up and one day topple over and bury me in backlog. Poor little Timothy will come along to play in the paper piles and discover the decaying corpse of his deceased uncle! He'll be traumatized! Who will pay for therapy? Kurosaki has no money, and I'll be dead! Again!'

"Captain Kuchiki?" Lieutenant Kira was just about to knock on the door when he saw the sign. "Oh, he must be meditating again. I'll come back later. I'll just leave this pile of paperwork on his desk."

'I'll have to prioritize. That's the solution. I must stand firm. Someone has to be responsible. I shall be the only good role model those children have. For Timothy! And Aiko! And Chizuko! And Rin! And Jiro! And Shishiwakamaru!'


"Okay," said Haru, "So, according to Matsumoto, the third seat -"

"Wait, you're only just now finished with third seat?" asked Hitsugaya.

Haru shrugged. "Well, she had a lot to complain about." He skimmed over the writing with his fingertip and read aloud, "He drinks too much...doesn't bathe enough...trims his toenails at the dinner table...has a suspiciously lazy eye...messy eater...picks his nose with his chopsticks...and doesn't respect the awesomeness of sparkly pencil toppers."

Hitsugaya frowned. "Hmm...that's pretty accurate. Although the pencil toppers are a bit much."

"Isn't Matsumoto a bit much?" said Haru pointedly.

"True," Hitsugaya nodded, forgetting the fact that Haru had never actually met his first lieutenant. "Let's move on."

Just then, the door banged open and a rather buxom female with ample cleavage on display flounced into the room. "Captain! I'm Back! I forgot that we had the employee satisfaction surveys today, and I don't want to miss those. You need a kitten."

Hitsugaya rolled his eyes and sighed the deep sigh of a beleaguered man. He turned to Haru. "I suppose you may go now."

Haru drooped. "But I was having so much fun being your lieutenant. You're firing me already? It's because she's prettier than I am, isn't it?"

Hitsugaya dropped his head into his hands as Haru marched out the door past a stunned Matusomoto.

"You think I'm pretty?"


Ichigo struggled to balance the giant pile of candy Captain Uketake was loading him with. "Make sure to share with Captain Hitsugaya next time you see him."

"Sure thing, Uketake," sighed Ichigo. "Awful nice of you. Thanks a bunch. You can stop now. Please."

Rukia finally took pity on him. "Actually, Ichigo and I really need to be going now. We're supposed to meet my brother in a few minutes."

"Oh!" said Uketake. "Of course, you have a very important matter to discuss with him. I understand perfectly." He winked at Ichigo. "Good luck!"

Ichigo leaned toward Rukia and whispered, "What's that all about?"

"I have no idea."


Haru was regretting his impression of an impetuous Matsumoto. He should have stayed and gotten to know the woman he had been impersonating. Hopefully, their handwriting wouldn't be too dissimilar. 'I knew I should have gone with the hearts.'

He stopped and looked around him. 'I have no idea where I am.'

A young man came walking around the corner, pushing a cart filled with cleaning supplies. He spotted Haru and waved. "Hello! You look lost. Are you new here?"

"Actually, I'm visiting with my brother Ichigo," said Haru.

"Ichigo's here?" the young man looked surprised. "I haven't seen him since he used me as a hostage. How is he doing? I'm Hanatoro, by the way."

Haru looked shocked. "Hostage? Oh, was that part of the whole breaking Rukia out of jail thing? Do I need to apologize for him? In his defense, our father does kick him in the head on a regular basis."

Now Hanatoro looked shocked. "Oh dear. Should I schedule a checkup for him? I'm sure Unahana can repair any brain damage."

Haru waved it off. "Nah. He's still fully functioning. So...no hard feelings then?"

"Of course not," said Hanatoro. "I even tried to help him. I'm not surprised how things turned out, considering how dedicated he was to saving her. I hope they invite me to the wedding."

"What?"

"I love weddings," said Hanatoro. "I'm sure Ichigo and Rukia are speaking with Captain Kuchiki now. Would you like me to show you the way?"

"Uh...sure," said Haru, a bit hesitantly. "Sounds...fun."


Rukia led Ichigo to a door that was clearly marked "Do Not Disturb." She started to open it. "He should be in here at this time of day."

"Wait," said Ichigo. "Should we really be disturbing him? What with the sign and all?"

Rukia rolled her eyes. "It's fine. He's probably just meditating again." She opened the door and walked in.

Kuchiki was standing with his back to the doorway, completely still. Before Rukia could call out to him, he turned and looked them both in the eyes. "One performance per child per year," he stated with finality. Then he strode past them out of the room.

"What was that about?" asked Ichigo.

"Don't know," said Rukia, "But he gets like that sometimes. Just ignore it."

Kuchiki suddenly appeared at the doorway again. Reaching forward, he plucked a box of Tree Stump Mini Chocolate Cookies from the candy pile in Ichigo's arms. "Advanced payment."* Then he turned and walked away.

Rukia and Ichigo looked at each other. Rukia shrugged.


*for babysitting services