Chapter 29
The Battle of a Man's Hen
Lardo ran off
and Peppercorn turned to walk back down the hill to the camp. But he
was stopped by a horde of Uruk-Pies.
"Wow. Today's just not
my day." He started hacking them to pieces.
Lurch stood up
above all the others, "FIND THE FATLINGS! Ungh! FIND THE
FATLINGS!"
"Lemonpeel!" Peppercorn yelled as he jumped on
top of a bunch of Uruk-Pies.
Hefty and Eggolas leapt out from
behind some ruins and started beating up the Uruk-Pies. Eggolas took
out 39 arrows and killed three Uruk-Pies with each. But there were
more, and Eggolas was out of arrows. "Oh, what a fool I was!"
Eggolas yelled to the sky, "'Milord Eggolas,' Lunis had said,
'would you like 40 arrows?' 'No!' said I, 'I will not need
that many. Put only 39 in!' What a fool! What a foolish
fool!"
Hefty started swinging his axe around and yelling loud
and high. Most of the Uruk-Pies who weren't killed by his axe were
freaked out and ran away from his creepy scream
Spam came
running up beside Hefty and Eggolas, "Hey, have you seen Lardo
around here?"
Hefty growled, "Go away, kid!"
"I think
I saw Peppercorn talking to him…"
Hefty turned to Eggolas,
"Go away, kid!"
Eggolas brought Spam over to Peppercorn who
was being choked under the arm of an Uruk-Pie. "Hey, Peppercorn.
Spam wants to ask you something."
Peppercorn gave the Uruk-Pie
an elbow in the mouth and it fell off of him.
Spam kicked at the
ground in front of him. "Um. Hi, Peppercorn. Remember me? Yeah,
well, I was just wondering… How are you?"
"Spit it out!
We're in a battle here!"
"Where'd Lardo go?"
"Oh,
I'm not supposed to tell you he went that way." He
pointed
"Thanks!" Spam ran off creepily, the way that all fat
kids run.
Hairy and
Pimple were all freaking out when they noticed that there were
Uruk-pies running all around them. They hid behind a tree, but it
wasn't wide enough to hide them. They hid behind two big rocks.
That did it.
Lardo ran down the hill and hid behind a rock across
the way. "Hey! It's Lardo!" Pimple said.
Lardo waved,
grimly.
"What's going on?" Hairy asked Lardo.
Lardo
slid his finger across his throat. "Quiet!" he
whispered.
"What?!" Pimple yelled.
Lardo ran off as two
Uruk-Pies ran through and scared Hairy and Pimple away.
Eggolas started
punching Uruk-Pies to death as Peppercorn sworded them.
The two
heard a car horn. "Was that?" Eggolas questioned, punching an
Uruk-Pie in the Solar Plexus.
"The horn of Frontdoor!"
"Hal!"
Hal sat in his
Oldsmobile, honking his horn. "Help me guys! I'm being
overrun!"
Hairy and Pimple stood and looked at him in his car.
"Hi Hal!"
Hal got out of his car and waved at them, "Hey
buds! How are you guys doing?"
An arrow came out of nowhere and
hit Hal in the shoulder.
Hal looked down at it. "Ow!"
Hal
looked up to see Lurch with a bow in the air. He smiled.
Hairy
poked at the arrow, "What's that? Why's it in you?"
Another
arrow flew and hit Hal in the stomach. He fell down to his knees.
Pimple cocked his head, "You alright, man?"
Hal stood up
and patted Pimple on the head, "Oh yeah, I'll be fine. As long as
I don't get another one of these!" Hal tapped the arrows and
winced.
A third arrow flew and hit him in the other
shoulder.
"Well that just sucks." Hal said as he fell back
down to his knees. "Go kick some butt," he said to the Blobbits.
Hairy and Pimple took out their shanks and ran at the Uruk-Pies
surrounding Lurch. They picked them up easily and carried them off,
kicking and screaming.
Lurch walked right up to Hal's face and
drew an arrow back, ready to let fly right through his head. His
fingers shook.
Peppercorn flew through and tackled Lurch to the
ground, saying, "This book is supposed to be funny!"
The two
fought for a while. Lurch pinned Peppercorn to a tree with the notch
in his shield and attempted to chop his head off, but Peppercorn
escaped in the nick of time, saying again, "SILLY BOOK!"
Lurch
didn't understand the 'no violence' rule so Peppercorn swung
his sword and in a completely different chain of events Lurch's arm
fell off. Peppercorn stabbed his sword into Lurch's stomach
(peacefully) but Lurch pulled Peppercorn towards himself, roaring as
he did so. When he was close enough Peppercorn drew his sword out and
swung. Lurch's head fell off somehow, but it had nothing to do with
Peppercorn's sword swinging.
Peppercorn noticed Hal, falling
to the ground from his kneeling position. He dropped down to talk to
Hal closer. "They took the fat kids!" Hal gasped.
"Stop
talking, you'll die faster!"
"You're a big meanie!" Hal
said. "Where's Lardo?"
"I made him go away."
"Then
you are a greater man than I. I think I tried to take the doughnut
from him, but I can't really remember what happened there…"
"It's
ok. We all stroke off every so often. But you won't have died in
vain."
"I could still pull through."
"I wouldn't
count on it." Peppercorn said. "I'll make sure that honor is
restored to Frontdoor and our people won't fail."
"Our
people?"
"The Frontdoorians."
"I know who they are,
but you said you'd never go back."
"Yeah, well I changed my
mind."
"Oh." Hal said and died.
Eggolas came through.
"Oh, he's dead? Dang. He was the nicest guy in the Jelloship,
too!"
