Chapter 29

The Battle of a Man's Hen

Lardo ran off and Peppercorn turned to walk back down the hill to the camp. But he was stopped by a horde of Uruk-Pies.
"Wow. Today's just not my day." He started hacking them to pieces.
Lurch stood up above all the others, "FIND THE FATLINGS! Ungh! FIND THE FATLINGS!"
"Lemonpeel!" Peppercorn yelled as he jumped on top of a bunch of Uruk-Pies.
Hefty and Eggolas leapt out from behind some ruins and started beating up the Uruk-Pies. Eggolas took out 39 arrows and killed three Uruk-Pies with each. But there were more, and Eggolas was out of arrows. "Oh, what a fool I was!" Eggolas yelled to the sky, "'Milord Eggolas,' Lunis had said, 'would you like 40 arrows?' 'No!' said I, 'I will not need that many. Put only 39 in!' What a fool! What a foolish fool!"
Hefty started swinging his axe around and yelling loud and high. Most of the Uruk-Pies who weren't killed by his axe were freaked out and ran away from his creepy scream

Spam came running up beside Hefty and Eggolas, "Hey, have you seen Lardo around here?"
Hefty growled, "Go away, kid!"
"I think I saw Peppercorn talking to him…"
Hefty turned to Eggolas, "Go away, kid!"
Eggolas brought Spam over to Peppercorn who was being choked under the arm of an Uruk-Pie. "Hey, Peppercorn. Spam wants to ask you something."
Peppercorn gave the Uruk-Pie an elbow in the mouth and it fell off of him.
Spam kicked at the ground in front of him. "Um. Hi, Peppercorn. Remember me? Yeah, well, I was just wondering… How are you?"
"Spit it out! We're in a battle here!"
"Where'd Lardo go?"
"Oh, I'm not supposed to tell you he went that way." He pointed
"Thanks!" Spam ran off creepily, the way that all fat kids run.

Hairy and Pimple were all freaking out when they noticed that there were Uruk-pies running all around them. They hid behind a tree, but it wasn't wide enough to hide them. They hid behind two big rocks. That did it.
Lardo ran down the hill and hid behind a rock across the way. "Hey! It's Lardo!" Pimple said.
Lardo waved, grimly.
"What's going on?" Hairy asked Lardo.
Lardo slid his finger across his throat. "Quiet!" he whispered.
"What?!" Pimple yelled.
Lardo ran off as two Uruk-Pies ran through and scared Hairy and Pimple away.

Eggolas started punching Uruk-Pies to death as Peppercorn sworded them.
The two heard a car horn. "Was that?" Eggolas questioned, punching an Uruk-Pie in the Solar Plexus.
"The horn of Frontdoor!"
"Hal!"

Hal sat in his Oldsmobile, honking his horn. "Help me guys! I'm being overrun!"
Hairy and Pimple stood and looked at him in his car. "Hi Hal!"
Hal got out of his car and waved at them, "Hey buds! How are you guys doing?"
An arrow came out of nowhere and hit Hal in the shoulder.
Hal looked down at it. "Ow!"
Hal looked up to see Lurch with a bow in the air. He smiled.
Hairy poked at the arrow, "What's that? Why's it in you?"
Another arrow flew and hit Hal in the stomach. He fell down to his knees.
Pimple cocked his head, "You alright, man?"
Hal stood up and patted Pimple on the head, "Oh yeah, I'll be fine. As long as I don't get another one of these!" Hal tapped the arrows and winced.
A third arrow flew and hit him in the other shoulder.
"Well that just sucks." Hal said as he fell back down to his knees. "Go kick some butt," he said to the Blobbits.
Hairy and Pimple took out their shanks and ran at the Uruk-Pies surrounding Lurch. They picked them up easily and carried them off, kicking and screaming.
Lurch walked right up to Hal's face and drew an arrow back, ready to let fly right through his head. His fingers shook.
Peppercorn flew through and tackled Lurch to the ground, saying, "This book is supposed to be funny!"
The two fought for a while. Lurch pinned Peppercorn to a tree with the notch in his shield and attempted to chop his head off, but Peppercorn escaped in the nick of time, saying again, "SILLY BOOK!"
Lurch didn't understand the 'no violence' rule so Peppercorn swung his sword and in a completely different chain of events Lurch's arm fell off. Peppercorn stabbed his sword into Lurch's stomach (peacefully) but Lurch pulled Peppercorn towards himself, roaring as he did so. When he was close enough Peppercorn drew his sword out and swung. Lurch's head fell off somehow, but it had nothing to do with Peppercorn's sword swinging.
Peppercorn noticed Hal, falling to the ground from his kneeling position. He dropped down to talk to Hal closer. "They took the fat kids!" Hal gasped.
"Stop talking, you'll die faster!"
"You're a big meanie!" Hal said. "Where's Lardo?"
"I made him go away."
"Then you are a greater man than I. I think I tried to take the doughnut from him, but I can't really remember what happened there…"
"It's ok. We all stroke off every so often. But you won't have died in vain."
"I could still pull through."
"I wouldn't count on it." Peppercorn said. "I'll make sure that honor is restored to Frontdoor and our people won't fail."
"Our people?"
"The Frontdoorians."
"I know who they are, but you said you'd never go back."
"Yeah, well I changed my mind."
"Oh." Hal said and died.
Eggolas came through. "Oh, he's dead? Dang. He was the nicest guy in the Jelloship, too!"