Snow gently fell onto the ground outside of Kyurem's castle, which seemed to glow in the moonlight. A holiday wreath was hung on the top of the entrance, just above the "Trespassers will be Frozen" sign. The stars shone bright, and "Oh, Christmas Tree" was gently playing in the background for dramatic effect.

But, of course, this silence was abruptly interrupted by a large explosion in the castle, creating a jagged hole next to the entrance. A large Ice Beam blast launched out of the castle as the three Swords of Justice ran out of the opening, just barely avoiding the attack. Coballion, in the lead, held some sort of certificate in his teeth as he motioned towards the exit of Full Court. The three Musketeer Pokémon quickly left the mine, just as Kyurem stomped out of his castle, roaring.

"IF YOU WERE GOING TO ESCAPE, WHY DIDN'T YOU USE THE DOOR?!" the angry dragon yelled, glaring at the exit of his home. After another minute of the Luigi Death Stare, Kyurem growled and lumbered back into his home.

"What's up, Big K?" The Reviewer Formerly Known as Cryogonal the Critic asked, not bothering to look up from his Gameboy.

"Don't call me that," Kyurem responded, rolling his eyes. "And for your information, I was just busy trying to stop the Swords of 'Justice'," the dragon made the air quote symbol with his paws. "From taking my Fanfiction Reviewing Degree. I invented the fanfiction reviewing genre, and they have the gall to take away my degree?"

"Well, you haven't reviewed actual fanfictions in a long time now, and you didn't bother to get it renewed anyway," The Reviewer Formerly Known as Cryogonal the Critic offered, looking at Kyurem and shrugging.

"I have better things to do than wasting my time renewing a piece of paper," Kyurem stated, crossing his arms. "Besides, I can't even review fanfiction thanks to the copy-paste rule. And the big author won't bother to get a fanfiction downloader."

"Why's that?" The (ugh) Reviewer Formerly Known as Cryogonal the Critic asked.

"He says something about "not being computer savvy" or something like that," Kyurem scoffed. At that though, the snowflake Pokémon dropped his Gameboy and smiled.

"Oh, I can help with that! I'm super computer savvy!" The Ice type then broke every law in existence of fiction and ran off the left side of the screen.

"Hey, how did you get- YAAARGH!" A Mismagius screamed as he flew across the screen and onto the other end, a confused Kyurem watching the whole time.

Several Virus-Filled Hours later…

"I did it, Kyurem!" The Reviewer Formerly Known as Cryogonal the Critic cheered, floating towards Kyurem, who was sitting in his chair, reading.

"You did what?" Kyurem asked, not looking up from his book. The Snowflake didn't lose any excitement, but pointed off-screen instead.

"I downloaded the fanfiction downloader! Now you can do a fanfiction review and get your degree back!" the Ice type called, smiling. Kyurem, however, put his book down and shrugged.

"Eh, I'm over it by now. Fanfiction is overrated anyways. I'll stick to Creepypasta." The dragon said, causing the Snowflake's smile to slowly deflate into a sorrowful frown. Kyurem, who wasn't paying attention, put a claw to his chin, thinking.

"Or, perhaps you could give it another go," he said, pointing at The Reviewer Formerly Known as Cryogonal the Critic, who looked surprised.

"You mean I can do my updated MST3K song?" the snowflake asked, smiling. Kyurem, however, sighed and tried again.

"No, I mean you can do fanfiction reviews for me. Maybe even make a new show." he said, to which Cryogonal's smile faded.

"Sorry, Kyurem, but I don't review anymore. I always got stuck with either bad or scary stories," At this, Kyurem rolled his eyes and put an arm around the Cryogonal.

"Look, kid," Kyurem said, staring him in the eye. "This isn't some case of me purposely giving you a bad story to review anymore. I'm letting you choose any fanfiction you want to review as long as I reap the benefits. You're the big man, now. You're the one that's going to let me get my revenge on the Swords of Justice," the Dragon nodded at the wide-eyed Ice type.

"Also, change your name. The new one is annoying. Get rid of it."

Cryogonal the Critic

We Three Fictions

(Pokémon Fanfiction)

(The normal review room is now filled with wreaths and holly, with a Christmas tree and a sculpture of a fireplace in the background. Crygonal the Critic floats above Kyurem's normal reviewing chair, smiling.)

Hello there! I'm The Reviewer…

(Cryogonal thinks for a second)

Actually, I am once again Cryogonal the Critic! I was planning on going into early retirement, but Kyurem gave me a chance to make my own review show!

Anyways, today's Christmas, so I decided that I bring some cheer to Kyurem the Critic for once and review some Christmas Pokémon Fanfictions. I'm bringing in the holidays with a bang!

(Cryogonal nods and picks up a very old-looking book)

So, to start off this fanfiction marathon, I'm going back to my roots and reviewing a story from the early 2000s, during the dawn of fanfiction.

(Cryogonal's face suddenly goes blank as visions of "Ghost of Team Rocket" flash behind him. After a couple seconds, Cryogonal shakes himself and smiles)

Ah, I'm sure there are SOME good stories from the early 2000s… Though, Pokémon was still new, and the fan base was all kids…

(Cryogonal gulps and opens the book)

So, without further ado, let's read "Marill Christmas, everybody!" by Shrinkwrap.

It's punny, I guess?


Summary: The gang has some fun on christmas...this fic is the result of too many powdered doughnuts at midnight.


I have a bad feeling about this…


Marril Christmas!

Tracey was sitting by a tree, knitting something, but, do we care?


We're two lines in, and the fourth wall has been shattered.


Tracey(giddily singing):Baby, Bye Bye Bye! (hahahaha!)


(Cryogonal has a distant expression on his face)


Tracey(giddily singing):


It's going to be one of THOSE stories, isn't it?


Tracey needed to get into the christmas spirit, for it was christmastime.

I'm no grammar Nazi, but "Christmas" should be capitalized, "Christmas" and "Time" need to be spaced, and using "for" instead of "since" or "because" just sounds weird.


Tracey: *continues singing that ****ty song and knitting*


This fanfiction is rated K+…


I SAID TRACEY NEEDED TO GET INTO THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!


(Cryogonal yelps and hides behind his chair)


Tracey: *doesnt listen, continues singing and knitting*


(Cryogonal looks up from behind the chair)

…Is it over?


*walks up and promptly shoots him with a basooka*


(Cryogonal stares at the screen, mouth agape)


Tracey: moan...*dies*

*dusts off her hands and goes off into an unknown oblivion...probably somewhere in the state of Virginia...*


…I don't want to do this anymore…


Now, back to the story.


Could it please be a different story?


Tracey was dead, for he couldnt listen.

Better.

It's really not better…


WE NEED SOMEONE TO TAKE TRACEY'S PLACE!

*Brock walks up and smiles*


Please don't bring Brock into this!


YAY!

Ok.


No, not okay!


Brock,Ash,Misty,Pikachu,and Togepi were all by a fire...sitting. (this is getting good,aint it?)

(Cryogonal sadly shakes his head)


Brock: I cant believe we have known eachother for a year...it has sure gone by fast...


Hey, that actually sounded pretty good!


AAM:Yeah...


…Who's AAM?


It sure has gone by fast, but, do we care?


Where did that come from?!


Now to Jess,Jimmy, and Meowth!


What?! Where is this story going?!


They were also, by a fire sitting

But something was different… yeah…


Do I dare ask?


*camera zooms in on Jessie and Jimmy*


I would point out the thing about the camera, but Jimmy?!


.Gawd...!


Merry Christmas…


I feel so...iligal for telling you this, but...Jessie is in James' lap!


(Cryogonal looks confused)

Um… Iligal? What does that mean?


And, oh, what's this...?

Meowth is walking toward them with some plant-type object...

*uses binoculars*


But you're using a camera…


Flashback: *camera zooms in on Jessie and Jimmy*


Yeah…


Mistletoe...!


Is it wrong that I don't care about the story anymore?


Now he's tapping them on their shoulders...

and pointing to the mistletoe...

and he places it on top of James' head and walks away, smiling...


There are so many periods in this fanfiction.


*looks through binoculars again,pauses, and does her victory dance*


Wait, who?!


*...and falls out of the helecopter that she is

watching them in...* *and lands with a thump*


I'm so lost!


*looks up at J&J*

Jess&Jimmy: *look back at her*

Dont worry...I come in peace...

*walks away casually*


…I think the fourth wall was hit with an atom bomb.


But after that, the author suddenly switches the set, again, to Professor Oak.


Now let's check in on Professer Oak!

*peeks through his bedroom window*


(Cryogonal's eyes widen)

Oh please, no…


...!

Uh, let's check up on him later...hes busy...!

He...he...he...

how bout Ash's Mom?


(The ice type sighs with relief)

Oh, thank goodness.


I have no clue what her name is...but do we care?


DELIAH!

(Cryogonal suddenly covers his mouth)

Sorry, was I too loud?


Due to recent study, we have found out Ash's mom is Martha Stewart.

Freaky, huh?


Pardon my Kalosian, but no, it's stupid!


Lesse...*peeks in Martha Stewart's window*


Lesse?! Do you mean "Let's see?!"


Martha Stewart: Deck the halls with bows of holly...tralalalalalalalala

Mimie:Mime,mimie,mime...*sweeps the floors*

Typical.

So typical.


(Cryogonal's eye twitches)


Ok, back to Ash, Misty, Brock,Pikachu, and Togepi.

*uses binoculars*

Ok...Pikachu is shocking Ash...and Ash is falling over and screaming in pain.


(Cryogonal throws the book into the fireplace sculpture, causing the "fire" to shatter)

Okay, we're done here! I'm sorry, but I couldn't take any more of that fanfiction.

(The snowflake shudders)

So, what were my final thoughts?

Well, do I really need to explain it? Everything wrong with this fanfiction is thrown out in front of you. The dialogue written like it's in a play, the author makes several cameo appearances, Tracey dies… This fanfiction is terrible. Some may find it funny, but that's obviously just because the story is so bad.

(Cryogonal sighs.)

Well, if the early 2000s have no good fanfictions, how about we fast forward to the mid-2000s? The fanbase would probably be teenagers, and if a 10-year-old kid in Japan got the game, he'd be 20 by the making of our next fanfiction.

(Cryogonal pulls out a second, slightly newer book.)

"The Christmas sceptic, by Goodbye2you"

…Do you mean the "Christmas skeptic?" I don't like the looks of this…

Summary: Hi it's me just in time for the holiday's and with some Christmas in my story sack. It is set in the southern hemisphere so it is a summer Christmas. This is a story about a girl who wants to prove there is no Santa Claus but there are consequences.


Well, at least the summary doesn't seem that bad. Oh, but before the story starts, there's a dedication.


In memory of Ebil Genius who went to evil Aussie-land let her not die of lack of intelligence.


Well that's ni- Wait a minute, is this dedication insulting Australia?


'I hate Christmas' the girl thought to herself as she aggressively stuck a piece of celetape onto a present.


The spelling and grammar is still a little off, but at least the dialogue isn't written like a play.


She stroked her Absol whispering, "I'm sure you don't like Christmas either girl". The Absol didn't quite agree. That Absol actual liked Christmas a lot.


Geez, you don't have to whisper. I don't think it's a big secret that you hate Christmas.


It was the only time of year where she and Dellcatty could be in the same room without killing each other let alone share the same bag of Skittnip (though the name says it is for skittes most cat like pokemon love it).


Okay, you don't have to explain your puns. That kind of ruins them.


But a better reason is that no one points and glares that she is a dark pokemon but accept her because they do not want to upset a child so close to Christmas.


Well that makes sense… I guess.


But the best reason was stoping their pokemon adventure and going home where there is air conditioning and a swimming pool and a feast.


Okay, I know it's a "Southern Christmas," but I still think it would be cold enough to not need air conditioning.


"I have a plan I will prove there is no Santa Claus,"


Well that came out of left field. Why do you hate Christmas, again?


She knew that her trainer hated Christmas but didn't know that she would take it this far.


…What's the plan?


"Good night don't let the Santas bite," the girl said with a hint of something the Absol didn't like.


(Cryogonal face-palmed)

Okay, so even if that pun was remotely funny, why is Santa the one biting? Aren't you the one who's going to "bite?" And why didn't you use that opportunity to say something like "Don't let the Poochyenas use Bite!"

So after that, we suddenly cut to Absol and Delcatty, who are supposed to be arch enemies, talking to each other.


"Dellcatty I'm worried about Sarah she has taken this Santa Claus thing way too seriously," Absol whispered to Dellcatty.


And she has no motivation, either!


Dellcatty pondered for a moment then replied, "We will prove that Santa exists, even if he doesn't. Do you believe in Santa Ab"?


…And how are you going to prove that Santa exists, even if he doesn't? Also, does Ab the Absol have abs?


Absol thought for a moment then answered, "Good plan but the Santa issue I'm not really sure Kat".


That sentence really doesn't make any sense… And Delcatty never even gave a plan. She just said that they would prove Santa real, even if he didn't exist.


"Well I really need to sleep so we might talk about it tomorrow and give me back my Skittnip Rattata".


I think these Pokémon need an intervention.


The Absol bolted away into the night thinking. Absol liked running at night: red eyes glaring, strange noises and the strange power of the darkness everywhere even coursing through her veins. Later she returned home and slept a troubled sleep.


…That actually didn't sound too bad.


"Mum! I'm going to get something I left when I was travelling I'm borrowing Wings," Sarah yelled.


(Cryogonal flinched)

You don't have to yell. Also, did you even bother saying "please?"


Wings was a shiny Wingull who unlike most other Wingulls could learn fly and surf.


Mary Sue alert! Mary Sue alert!


"Ok hon but be back before Christmas we would want John eating your part of the pigey,"


(Cryogonal stared in shock)

You're eating a Pidgey… On Christmas…

PEOPLE DON'T EAT POKEMON IN THE GAME UNIVERSE! How could you even consider that?! Even if you did, would you even eat a Pidgey?! Why not Farfetch'd, who actually was hunted in the old days?!


Sarah called all her pokemon: Absol, Dellcatty, Urmbreon, Kirila called Raymanda and a rather meek looking Evee.


…You're going to eat that Eevee, aren't you? You sociopath.


She had all her pokemon in pokeballs and one was hidden because she was breaking the law because she had seven pokemon but no would know at the North Pole.


What is with all of the side information? We have stuff about Wings, stuff about her Pokemon, and stuff about Skittynip. None of this comes into play later in the story!


After hours of flying condescended-


Condescended?


into a few second a person feels extremely queasy. Sarah fell into the snow dizzily she quickly called out Raymanda to help her stand and make a force-field around her to stop her from freezing.


…What?


Sarah let her other pokemon out and put Wings back into his pokeball. All her pokemon were female (well except for Muk but he stayed at home)


I'm sorry, but I don't care…

Regardless, do we get to hear of Sarah's great plan now?


so Sarah got along with them. Sarah saw some thing strange a large candy-cane sticking out of the ground and a warehouse not to far away.


…So Santa is real in this universe?


Sarah ran towards it and heard a gruff voice say, "We're running out of coal it is a resource and some people are purposely being naughty to get it".


(Cryogonal smiled slightly)

That's the first good joke I've heard today.


Sarah walked into the room puzzled. Who puzzled and puzzled 'til her puzzler was sore (yay for Doctor Suess).


(Cryogonal closed his eyes, sighing.)

Kyurem, do we have any spiked Berry Juice left?


"What is this place?" Sarah asked.

"Why it's Santa's workshop silly now please go it's real busy for us elves, we need to finish all these toys while Santa sit on his big fat ass and does nothing except sit in his sleigh," the elf replied.


Merry Christmas, kids…


"What, How, Why. Santa doesn't exist," Sarah puzzled.


Please stop saying "puzzled."


Many elves in the vicinity gasped a glass shattered as a fat man jump through a window with a few reindeer.


(Cryogonal yelped again and hid behind the chair)


When Sarah woke up she was in a white room and she was in a heap of pain she was covered in casts.

…Did I miss a chapter?


Her pokemon sitting sadly at her feet. Sarah's mum was crying, "I can't believe we're going to take her off life support". Sarah looked confused.


How is this a Christmas story?!


"Why are you crying mother," Sarah asked. Her mother looked up and screamed happily.


Please don't scream. My head hurts.


"You're awake! You're awake! Thank god you're awake! I thought you would die. It must have been Raymanda and Urmbreon who saved you life. They deserve a medal. Here are your Christmas presents even though it's six months after Christmas," her mother said in one breath.


…I think it's my turn to say "What, how, why?"


Sarah peered into her stocking and saw a lump of coal


…Your mother is a jerk.

Oh, but that's not all that's in the bag. And this is where the story falls apart.


a note which read:

'To the Christmas sceptic

You better no shout

You better no cry

You better not pout

I'm telling you why

Santa Claus is coming to town

There's a hoof print in your head and lump of coal in your stocking now you better believe in Santa now so we don't have a repeat of this next year if you live that long. Remember believe in me believe that I can hurt you

From Santa Claus'


(Cryogonal stared at the screen for a few seconds before throwing the second book into the Christmas tree, knocking it over.)

I won't be able to sleep on Christmas Eve. But, I guess I have to give you my opinion on the story, don't I?

Well, grammatically, the story beats out "Marill Christmas," but story and comedy wise… It's just as bad, and maybe even worse than the former. While I guess you could laugh at "Marill Christmas" for how bad it is, this story is just plain bad. There's nothing funny about it, while the grammar is better, the constant mistakes get grating after a couple paragraphs. And that's not even mentioning the killer Santa… This story is just as bad as the first.

(Cryogonal rubbed his "eyes" before giving a desperate smile.)

Okay, so maybe the entire 2000 decade was bad for Christmas Pokémon fanfiction, but the past couple years MUST have a good Pokémon Christmas story! There's no way they could mess it up in 2012!

(Cryogonal pulls out a third, new looking book.)

So, for our grand and hopefully good finale, I give you…

Christmas Fun, by Samsmith555

Okay, I'm ready to review!

(Cryogonal takes a deep breath, and…)


Ash was in bed. Sudenly Some reindeer ran across the roof. "Ho ho ho!' Shouted santa claus from the roof. "Oh no wer under attack from team Rocket!" Ash shouts becaus he is a retard. "Pekachu, use your thunDershock!" Pikachu uses thundershock which sets the xmas tree on fire. "NOo my presents are all burnt!" said Ash.

Santa claus falls own the chimney. "don't Worry Ash, I have more pressents here!" "YEAHH! Ash shouts. Then misty walks in the room wearing a bikini. "Ash i love you" she said.

Ash hugs pikacuu. "this is the besst chrismas ever!" And so it was. but for how long?

Pleese review :D:D:D merry christmas! Chapter 2 is comeing!


...

(Cryogonal faints, hitting the table in front of him.)

...

"So, what do you think?" Kyurem asked Arceus and Genesect, the other two big fanfiction reviewers. They were standing in the Hall of Origin in a courtroom-type area. "Can I- I mean, Cryogonal have his degree back?" Kyurem grinned, causing Arceus and Genesect to raise nonexistent eyebrows.

"I'm going to have to say no," Arceus said, frowning. "The review's fine, but not only does Cryogonal not have his own show, but he's obviously being used so you can get your degree back."

"Plus, there's already too many fanfiction reviewers. We don't need a goody-two-shoes snowflake reviewing them," Genesect added. "So.. Better luck next time, Kyurem."

At this, the Ice Dragon began shaking with rage, a growl turning into a roar. Then, just as he looked like he would release his anger,

"Well, I figured you'd say that, so that's why I made a plan B," Kyurem simply stated before whistling. At the sound of the whistle, one of the courtroom wall fell, with all of Kyurem's Cryogonal army racing out, one of them carrying what looked like a degree with his chains.

"Well, I'm proud of you, Cryogonal," Kyurem said. Both of them were looking at a framed degree on the wall, with the signature of Mewtwo crossed out and Cryogonal's put in on the side.

"You really are, Kyurem?" Cryogonal the Critic asked, looking hopefully at the legendary.

"Nope." Kyurem said, grinning and walking away.

Kyurem the Critic

Credits:

"Marill Christmas, Everybody!" by Shrinkwrap

"The Christmas Sceptic" by Goodbye2you

"Christmas Fun" by Samsmith555 (yes, that was the entire story.)

The Mario Kart franchise and the Gameboy system by Nintendo

Genesect the Critic by Dragoniro

Keldeo the Critic and The Angry M-Rated Clone by MatthiasUnidostres

Arceus the Critic by Imperator Justinian

Prince

A song I don't know in "Marill Christmas, Everybody!" as well as a Martha Stewart reference

(Mr. Grool here, wishing you a Merry Christmas! As you could probably tell, I picked the bottom-of-the-barrel Christmas stories for this review. None of these stories were good, as you could probably tell. The first one was stupid, the second one was boring and the third one was just plain terrible. These stories, of course, do not represent the entire Pokemon Christmas fanfiction section. For quality Pokemon holiday reading, I would suggest some of the Christmas stories by JackStorm, DragonNiro and MewMewExorcist. Anyways, I wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! See you in 2015!)

Keldeo the Critic and Kyurem the Critic are both parodies of the Nostalgia Critic by Doug Walker on That Guy with Glasses. Creepypasta-related reviews can also be associated with "Creepypasta Story Time" By Yuriofwind on YouTube.

...

In the not too distant future,

2000... AD.

Kyurem and Cryogonal

had hatched an evil scheme!

Enter Genesect, a steel/bug type,

just a regular 'mon they didn't like,

Someone had to take Kel,deo's place

So they conked him on the noggin and they shot him into spa-ace!

Kyurem and Cryogonal: We'll send them cheesy fictions!

The worst we can find! (la la la)

They'll have to sit and watch them all while we moniter their minds!

Chorus: Now keep in mind he can't control where the movies begin or end.

He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his old friends!

Pokemon Role Call!

Fearow! (I film it!)

Ryan! (I'm still relevant?)

Genesect! (The only robot.)

Meeeeeelo! (Not my name!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts,

(La la la!)

Just think to yourself "It's anime," and you can just relax!

For Mystery Justice Theater 3000!

*guitar chord*

*Mystery Science Theater belongs to its respective owner*