Chapter Twenty Nine

"Is there anything you would like to say before I hand down my decree?" the judge asked her. She sat frozen before him, Wil by her side. His uncle also was in attendance as well as another man she did not know. She assumed he was another lawyer but she decided it wasn't really important. She started to shake her head when Wil cleared his throat and started to speak.

"Yes, sir, there is," he stated quickly. "As you can see, Frau Schmidt is a very young woman. She will wish to marry again and by assenting to her petition you would soften the impact of this unhappy episode on the rest of her life. I beseech you to release her so she can move on with her life." Maria shifted uneasily in the chair. She had to believe that Wil was only trying to appeal to the judge's sense of compassion, but he was making it sound like she regretted what had happened and nothing could be further from the truth.

"Very well," the judge replied with a nod. He folded his hands on his desk and looked back at Maria. "Frau Schmidt, I have reviewed your petition and the evidence submitted. The law is quite clear about waiting no less than seven years, but your lawyer has convinced me that no amount of time will alter the fact that your husband no longer exists. Therefore, based on your sworn testimony and the witness of your counsel, I believe there is enough here to declare the man known as Johann Schmidt to be presumed dead. Your marriage to him is consequently dissolved."

The tears that refused to fall blurred Maria's view of the city as Wil's car winded its way through the streets of Salzburg and headed toward Aigen. The awful words kept flying through her thoughts… presumed dead… marriage dissolved… husband no longer exists, each one like an arrow shot into her heart.

"It's over now," Wil smiled. "You must be glad."

"Must I? I'm a widow. I find nothing glad about it." It was a fact that her mind could be convinced simplified matters. Her heart, however, was devastated.

"No, I suppose that's true," he said, regretting his word choice. "I guess I meant it should be a relief." He wasn't sure that was the right way to put it either. Maria looked at him with a stony expression.

"You mean because now I can… how did you put it? 'Move on with my life'?"

"I said that for sympathy from the judge," Wil defended. "Not that I don't hope there is a bit of truth to it, too. Someone has to think of your happiness if you won't." Maria closed her eyes to keep herself from screaming.

"I appreciate that," she finally managed. She didn't want to be angry at Wil. He had done her a monumental favor. "Perhaps you misunderstood that this had little to do with my happiness… present, future or otherwise. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this but I can tell you that I don't feel glad or relieved."

"Perfectly understandable. I regret my insensitivity, Maria. Please forgive me."

"There's nothing to forgive. You've been a very good friend to me and I thank you." They fell into silence. Maria continued to stare out the window. The days were growing shorter and there was a feeling in the air that suggested that summer was at an end. Everything seemed to be ready to change seasons. For a moment she wondered if she should do likewise and move on.

She began to think about the children, how the end of summer signaled the return to school. She didn't know where it left her. The original request to the Reverend Mother stated that a governess was only needed until September. Granted, a lot had changed since then but nothing had been mentioned one way or the other in regards to the loan of Maria from Nonnberg. She could feel her melancholy deepen just thinking about it.

"Maria, there's a question I've wanted to ask you since the day you came to my office," Wil interrupted her thoughts.

"Yes?"

"I don't understand why you don't just tell Captain Von Trapp who you are. If he wanted to know so much, why not just tell him everything?" Maria gave a humorless laugh.

"Maybe I should have," she answered wryly.

"Why didn't you?"

"I have a few reasons, but mostly I didn't say anything because you can't tell someone else their memories. I always had the hope that eventually he would remember," Maria explained with a tired voice. "Believe me. If he had shown the slightest bit of recognition, I would have confessed it all. There were times when I could tell he was close, but just not close enough."

"I can understand that in the beginning, but now? Isn't it maddening? If he wants to know, why don't you tell him?"

"Now… now, I'm too afraid." She felt a chill and pulled her jacket tighter around herself. "I recklessly pushed him to face part of his lost past with the hopes it would help him, but he was so… offended by it. What if I told him and he was disappointed to learn that everything he has been trying to remember only leads to me. Who am I? I'm nobody."

"You are the least nobody I know."

"There's always a chance he wouldn't believe me. Or even if he did believe me, that he'd reject me. I need to protect the little I have left…"

"You deserve more," Wil said with an edge. He turned the vehicle into the driveway and shut off the engine. After a few moments he turned, took her hand in his and gave her a tender look. "Maria, I'm expected at a party tonight, but I can call and get out of it if you'll agree to have dinner with me instead."

"Please don't do that," Maria pleaded quietly. "Go to your party."

"Another time, perhaps? Now that this is over, I am left wondering if I can see you again." Maria stared at her hand resting in his then started to pull it away. He held on, gently but firm.

"Wil…" She gave his hand a small squeeze before wiggling hers free. She didn't want to hurt his feelings. She had felt safe telling him everything. "We can see each other, of course. We're friends, aren't we? But that is all we can ever be. Do you understand?" Wil nodded and opened his door. Maria watched as he dejectedly got out and came around to open hers. He walked her to the front door before breaking the heavy silence that fell between them.

"All I want is for you to be happy, Maria," he said, trying unsuccessfully to hide his disappointment.

"I have to believe it will work out," Maria answered softly. "There is always hope he'll remember. And if he doesn't, maybe he'll fall in love with me. Would that be so incredible?"

"It would be incredible if he didn't fall in love with you," Wil answered and smiled. "You love him a lot, don't you?" Maria nodded. "You're going to be hurt, Maria. But I won't dwell on the negative anymore. I wish you the best of luck. And if you ever need me again, please…"

"Thank you," Maria said quickly. Wil reached for her hand and this time Maria offered it willing. He pulled her gently closer and laid a kiss on her forehead, letting his lips linger only slightly longer than he knew he should have.

The moment was interrupted by the sound of another automobile entering the driveway at reckless speed. They watched as Captain Von Trapp jumped quickly from behind the wheel and walked briskly toward the front door. Wil stepped aside to give the man room to pass.

"Captain? Is everything alright? I thought you had plans…"

"Frau Schmidt called and told me that Kurt is ill so I decided to come home. Didn't anyone tell you?" Maria's eyes widened with worry.

"Why, no! I just got home myself and I haven't talked to anyone. Is it serious?"

"I don't know," the Captain replied with concern. He opened the door, but turned toward Wil before entering. "Please excuse my rudeness but I'm eager to check on my son."

"No need to explain, Captain," Wil quickly assured him. "I hope Kurt will be well soon." The Captain nodded his thanks and went inside. Wil saw the anxious expression on Maria's face, too.

"I should have been here," she muttered. "Poor Kurt. This is terrible…"

"You had no way of knowing. I'll go so you can go check and see him. I'm sure it is nothing."

"Goodbye, Wil. Thank you for everything." He nodded and quickly got into his car to leave. When he was gone, Maria hurried inside. She met Frau Schmidt on the stairs.

"What is it? What's wrong with Kurt?"

"I don't know, but he is very ill. The Captain asked me to call the doctor right away." The housekeeper lowered her eyes and shook her head as she spoke. Maria instantly felt a knot form in her stomach. Without another word, she raced to the boys' room and entered quietly.

She was met by the sight of the Captain sitting on the edge of the bed talking quietly to his son. She hated to interrupt the private moment, but she needed to see for herself.

"Hello, Fraulein Maria," the boy said as soon as she was close enough for him to notice her. His voice was raspy and his face glistened with perspiration. She forced a smile.

"Hello, darling," she whispered. "How do you feel?" He started to reply but winced as his hand went to his neck.

"He has a sore throat," The Captain answered for him. "And a fever."

"Are you being a good boy and drinking what Frau Schmidt brings to you?"

"He can't seem to keep anything down, either." The Captain stood up and turned away. He gave Maria a woeful look. She knew every feeling he was having. She knew exactly how awful it was to look upon your sick child and be unable to think of anything but the worst. She took his place on the side of the bed and placed her cool hand on Kurt's forehead and gasped at how warm he was to touch.

"The doctor should be here any minute now," the Captain informed them, trying hard to sound upbeat. "He'll tell us what to do. And Kurt is strong, aren't you, son?" The boy nodded and smiled at his father.

"Oh, he sure is," Maria agreed and laughed to keep spirits up. "I wouldn't be surprised if this is just Kurt's way of telling me he doesn't like singing lessons very much."

"No, he doesn't want to go back to school," the Captain teased. Kurt began to laugh, but grabbed his throat again. Quickly the mood became strained. "I think maybe we should let him rest until Dr. Berner gets here, hmm?"

"Yes, but please let me stay with him," she begged.

"That would be fine, Fraulein. I'll go wait for Dr. Berner." The Captain hastened out the door, leaving Maria alone with Kurt. She quietly got up and went into the bathroom in search of a cloth she could soak in cool water. After she found one, she ran the water loudly to hide a choked sob. She felt foolish crying but it had been a long and emotional day. She carried the cloth back to the bed and sat down, folding it carefully before laying it on Kurt's head.

"There. Does that feel good?" Kurt nodded. "Would you like me to read to you?" That time he shook his head and closed his eyes. "Fine. You just sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." She quietly dragged a chair close to the bed and sat down. She watched him sleep for a few moments before closing her own eyes. She quietly began to pray.

Father in heaven, please help me to understand that you allowed illness to befall this sweet boy because of your loving care, not in spite of it. Give the doctor wisdom to make him well and please… have mercy on me. I cannot watch another loved one suffer.

She stopped praying. The knot in her stomach had moved to her chest. Her trembling hand wiped a tear from her eye as she struggled to gather herself.

Lord, please heal all our hearts of pain so we can humbly accept and enjoy your blessing. Thy will be done…

A warm peace settled on her. She decided it was useless to dwell on the worst. Children get sick all the time and the Captain was right when he said that Kurt was strong. She was sure that when the doctor came, he would put their minds even more at ease.

A few minutes later the door opened and the Captain led a kind looking gentleman into the room. She watched as he sat next to Kurt on the bed and removed the cloth from his head. He gently felt the boy's neck.

"You say he has a sore throat?" he asked as he reached for his bag and pulled out a thermometer.

"Yes," the Captain answered. "We've tried to give him liquids but he has trouble swallowing. He can't seem to keep anything he does manage to drink down. And then there's the fever." They waited patiently as the doctor took Kurt's temperature and carefully looked at his throat.

"Hmmm," he said, his face drawn into a small frown. He turned the child's head side to side and then gently unbuttoned his pajamas and inspected his stomach and arms. "I don't see a rash, but that could appear after a day or two. You'll have to keep an eye out for it." The Captain nodded. He shot Maria an uneasy look. She wasn't sure what it all meant, but clearly he did and it wasn't good.

"Fraulein, would you please soak this again?" The doctor handed Maria the cloth. She nodded and walked into the bathroom in a small daze. The relief she hoped the doctor would deliver was not forthcoming.

"You think he has scarlet fever, don't you?" The Captain asked.

"I have had three separate cases of scarlet fever in the last month, sir. Of course, that doesn't mean this is scarlet fever, but we need to consider it. Keep the other children out of here just to be safe."

"Of course," the Captain agreed.

"Keep trying to get him to drink… hot tea or broth would be good. You've been here before, Captain. I'm sure you'll do whatever you can to make Kurt comfortable and better. Please don't worry so much right now. You'll make yourself ill if you dwell on it too much."

Maria returned with the cloth and replaced it on Kurt's head. She had heard the doctor's advice to the Captain. She tenderly buttoned the pajamas. "Captain, Friedrich can sleep in my room. I… I would like to stay."

"I can't let you risk your health, Maria."

"I'll be fine," she quickly insisted. "Please, Captain." He simply nodded his consent. With nothing left to be said or done, the doctor stood to leave.

"Captain, may I speak with you before I go?"

"Yes, of course." He led the man to his private study and invited him to sit and offered him a drink which was instantly declined.

"Captain Von Trapp, I would like to say that it has been a great honor and privilege to tend to your family over the years," the doctor started, his voice tired and sad. "I regret deeply to tell you that you must find a new doctor. Here is a list of good ones. I have no trouble recommending any of them to you."

"I don't understand," He said as he took the small piece of paper from doctor. Dr. Berner sighed and rubbed his weary eyes.

"My family is leaving Austria, Captain. I cannot wait for Hitler to invade to take precautions. The time is now. It is becoming increasingly difficult for us to live. Not all my patients share your political views and my practice has suffered. Soon I will not be able to make a living."

"I'm… I'm terribly sorry," he replied, still trying to overcome the shock of what he just heard. The Captain felt sick to his stomach. He had never cared that the physician was Jewish, only that he was the best doctor in all of Salzburg. "When are you going?"

"I don't wish to say," the man answered with regret. "Please understand that it is best for you as well as me that I don't tell you too much more. I only wish to let you know so Kurt gets the care he needs." The Captain nodded.

"Is there anything I can do to help you? Please, anything you need…"

"No, but thank you." Dr. Berner rose from his seat and extended his hand. "You are what is good and honorable about this country. Sadly there are not many like you, not anymore. Goodbye, Captain." He shook the man's hand solemnly.

"Thank you, doctor. I don't know what to say. I'm horrified at what is happening out there. Be safe."

After seeing the doctor to the door, the Captain wandered slowly back toward the stairs. His mind raced at the news about Dr. Berner and his family. He turned and stared at the Austrian flag that hung proudly on the wall and his heart became heavy and sad.

"Oh, Austria, my beloved country… what has become of you? What will become of you?" He once had taken an oath to his country, an oath he thought was for life. But he didn't recognize his country any more. He wondered how long it would be before he had to make a critical choice to protect his family or protect his honor. He had a desk drawer full of telegrams and letters from men that served with him, each excitedly extolling Hitler's plan to create a fierce navy, encouraging him to abandon his principles for the sake of some twisted glory.

And then there was that man Zeller who he had the terrible misfortune of meeting earlier in the evening before the phone call from his housekeeper. That man was much more direct with his provocations, accusing him of being an ostrich that buries his head in the flag. Assuring him that the Anschluss was indeed coming and he should expect to be called upon to serve the Fuhrer.

The Captain tore his eyes away from the flag and headed back up the stairs. Dr. Berner had been the doctor that treated his beloved wife when she fell ill. He had done everything he could to save her life. He knew he would do the same for Kurt if it wasn't for the threat to him and his family. He didn't blame the man for his wife's death and he could hardly blame him now for doing what he had to do for his own family. He wondered how long before he had to make a hard choice to protect the ones he loved.

He opened the door to the boys' room quietly, and stopped short as soon as he heard singing. It was barely audible. He peered in to the room to see Maria sitting by the top of the bed while cradling his son's head on her lap, running her fingers gently over his hair as she sang. He moved closer, touched by the display. She stopped singing as soon as she sensed his presence, but didn't look up.

"He… he woke up and was a bit delirious," Maria explained quietly. "I was able to get him back to sleep."

"Thank you," he said in response. Her voice was weak, but not tired. She had been crying. "I'm sure the singing calmed him down right away."

"Perhaps," she agreed. They sat silently for a long time, watching Kurt toss between fitful and deep sleep. Maria made no attempt to move him from her arms. "Captain, there is something I've been wanting to discuss with you but… well, there hasn't been a very good time." She looked up to meet his handsome eyes watching her. "I know the agreement was for me to stay until September. I know the children start school soon and that I won't be needed as much, so I was wondering…"

"You are free to leave whenever you wish, Fraulein," he spoke over her. "The matter needn't trouble you."

"Oh." Maria glanced back down at Kurt and resumed stroking his hair. She didn't necessarily expect him to ask her to stay, but she thought he was oddly insistent that she leave. "Captain… the thing is that I don't really wish to go. That is, I would like to stay if I can be of any help."

"I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I thought... well, never mind. You may stay, Fraulein. If that is what you truly want."

"What did you misunderstand?" Maria asked, confused by the sudden switch.

"Oh, I just thought you were going to tell me you wanted to leave," he answered awkwardly.

"Why would you think that?"

"I saw that young man kiss you and assumed that maybe you had plans to remarry…"

"No," she interjected quickly, now her turn to interrupt. "I don't think I'll ever marry again."

He saw a brief flash in her eyes when she said it. It wasn't the first time he had seen it, he knew. It was there when he confronted her about his children the day he returned from Vienna. All she wanted to do was remind him that his children were growing up without him and in his foolish need to be right he fired her. The memory of her standing in a wet dress yelling at him made him chuckle.

"Is something funny?"

"I was just reminding myself not to question your decisions, Fraulein. The look you just gave me was the same look you had when you called the uniforms 'straightjackets'. And you were right." The Captain laughed softly again.

"Oooh," Maria moaned as she recalled the entire incident before a smile spread across her lips. She was still smiling when she finally shifted Kurt from her lap and gently laid him down on his pillow. It faded when she leaned over him and kissed his forehead. "He is still quite warm. I don't think the fever has gone down at all." She reached for the cloth that had been set aside and left to soak it again. When she returned, the Captain reached for it and tenderly placed it on Kurt's forehead. Maria became mesmerized as she watched him care for his son.

"There was one thing I do regret about that day," she offered. "I shouldn't have implied that you weren't a good father because you are a very good father. Very loving and very gentle."

He nodded but said nothing. There was a time when he thought that was all he needed to be for his children. His mind went back to the conversations with Herr Zeller and Dr. Berner and the German threats that were creeping closer and closer to his doorstep. He wondered if he would be the father he needed to be when the time finally came and he could ignore things no longer. He sighed and pushed the troublesome thoughts from his head.

"It's too bad you are so sure about marriage, Fraulein. You would be a very good mother," he finally responded. He didn't mean anything by it except to say that he appreciated how she cared for his children and return the compliment. He didn't expect it would drive her near to tears. "Fraulein? Did I say something wrong?" She slumped back into the chair looked up into face.

Maria didn't answer right away. She knew the moment she opened her mouth, tears would overwhelm anything she tried to say. She had already broken down in front of him once. To be so vulnerable and need his understanding so much was more difficult than she ever thought it would be.

"I… I already have been a mother, Captain," she finally spoke. "I had a baby boy who died not long after he was born."

"I'm sorry," he responded sadly. "I had no idea." He watched her wipe a few tears that had silently trickled down her face. He couldn't fathom the amount of loss she had endured. He looked away quickly at Kurt. Like her, he had lost the love of his life, but to lose a child… it would have been his undoing.

"Yes, well… now you know."

No more words were spoken for a long time. Maria was thankful she was not pressed further about her marriage or her son. The Captain, on the other hand, couldn't stop thinking of anything else. He stood up to leave for the night, but he wished there was something he could say to comfort her.

"It certainly explains how you handle my children so well," he whispered softly across the bed. "And why they love you so much. You have been like a mother to them."

"I love them as though they were my own children, Captain."

"Yes…" his voice trailed off. He bid her goodnight and left.

That's why she's so different, he said to himself as he walked toward his bedroom. She truly has been like a mother to them. And she said she loved them as though they were hers.

He found the sentiment fascinating and not at all strange. Suddenly he realized what was bothering him the most about everything that had happened that day. More importantly, a possible solution was beginning to form in his mind.

Disclaimer: I don't own, not mine, blah blah blah.

A/N: I think this was the longest I've gone between updates. Writing this chapter was like herding kittens. I don't think it will happen again, but…