Chapter 29: Memories that hurt

Alex was relieved to see her girlfriend in front of her door, but also anxious. Did she come here to talk about it, to break up with her or what was going to happen? Right now she was still sitting on the floor asleep. Alex wondered how long she had been sitting there waiting for her.

"Piper?" she said a bit more loudly. "Wake up."

Slowly the blonde stirred awake. Alex could see a short moment of confusion on her face until she obviously remembered where she was.

"Alex? I've been waiting for you. I tried to call you but you didn't answer." she said quietly.

"I'm sorry. I forgot I turned my phone off after Nicky wouldn't stop texting me and I didn't want to read her messages at the moment. How long have you been sitting here?" she asked.

Piper looked at her watch "Seems like about two hours."

"I'm sorry, do you want to come in?" Alex quickly unlocked the door and let them in. She didn't really know what to do right now. But Piper came here to talk?

"Yes. Thanks." Piper walked in and looked around. It wasn't the first time that she was at Alex's place but this time it felt different.

"Can I offer you something to drink? Please make yourself comfortable, if you want." Alex said and took Piper sitting down on her couch as a positive sign that she was here to talk and not break up with her. Then she would have just done that, right? She wouldn't have taken off the coat and shoes and sat down on the couch if all she had to say was that she couldn't be with her anymore, right?! Alex forced herself not to overthink every little movement the blonde made but still was a bit scared of what was about to happen.

"If you have wine, I'd like a glass." Piper said quietly. She sounded exhausted and downcast - just how Alex felt.

"Sure." Alex quickly got a bottle of wine and two glasses and went back to sit down on the couch next to Piper. Nobody said something until Alex forced herself to start the conversation.

"Look, Piper. I am sorry that I didn't tell you all the things I told you this afternoon earlier. I was scared to be honest. I completely understand that you're upset - I would be too if the tables were turned around. But I hope you don't regret that all this happened. I mean that you and I happened. I love you Piper. And I don't want this to end." Alex finished.

"Alex. I'm not here to break up with you." Piper said softly. Alex felt a stone fall from her heart, it was like she could breathe again when before the fear had taken her breath. Piper could see the relieve on her girlfriends face.

"I'm usually not someone who judges people by their past and mistakes they made in the past. I mean that's why the past is the past, right? Everyone makes mistakes. And I believe that everyone can learn from them. And I trust you, when you tell me your past this and not dealing anymore. I love you Alex. It's gonna take me some time to get over all the things you just told me today but believe me I don't regret any of this. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Do I wish that drug dealing wasn't part of your past? Yes, very much so. But it's the past and I can't change that anymore." Piper made a little break. Alex was speechless. She couldn't believe what she had heard. All the time she had feared Piper would leave her for her involvement with drugs and now this?

"I am here to explain why this is a painful point for me. You know, when you would have told me that you used it couple times in the past, I wouldn't have cared and told you that probably everyone goes through a phase of trying different things. For some people that means being experimental in who they want to be with, for some it's just about trying different hobbies and some like to try different drugs. That is totally fine with me, as long as it's about the own experience. Trying things for yourself usually doesn't hurt anyone else. But when you told me about dealing that is when it got hard for me. Dealing isn't about yourself anymore, it's about other people." Piper's voice got quieter. She was close to tears and Alex felt like there is more to it than the thought of a dealer hurting other people by selling drugs. She just waited for Piper to go on and encouraged her with an agreeing nod to what she said before.

"It is a long story but I need to tell you everything, it's the reason why this is so hard to deal with. When we were younger my parents didn't really care about what we were doing, they still don't as long as we fit into their perfect family picture. So they didn't bother or say anything when my brother Cal started smoking joints when he was only twelve. I don't know if they even noticed. Our older brother Danny had always been the musterchild and exceeded all expectations of our parents. I don't know how he did that, but our parents always told me and Cal how proud they were of him and how perfect he was. It made Cal and I grow together even more. We were like twins even though we're two years apart. I tried to do as good as I can and my parents seemed to be at least satisfied with me but they never said anything like that they're proud of me. At some point I accepted that. For Cal it was harder. He was the third kid, he was always the creative one who liked the chaos and living without rules and just be free. So it was hard for him to fit in with our parents and he often got into trouble because of his lack of conformation. At first it was just smoking joints but when he was 16 he did harder things. Mostly just heroin. He nearly died on several occasions and I tried to help him but I didn't know what to do. My parents pressuring him to not be a shame for the family didn't help either and I was so scared to lose the person I loved the most. He was and still is the one of the most important people in my life. And I just couldn't see him like that, dying and hurting so much. So I didn't know what to do when you said you were one of the people that sold that shit that nearly killed my brother." somewhere in telling the story Piper had started to cry and Alex soon had joined her when she heard about Piper's brother.

"I am so sorry Piper." Alex said. Piper moved closer to Alex and hugged her. For a while the two women hugged and cried in each others arms. "I'm sorry Piper, that this happened to your brother and I am sorry that I was on the other side distributing the drugs. I knew it could cause many bad things but always told myself that everyone decided for themselves to take or not to take it. When I realized that it wasn't really true I tried to end it, but as I told you quitting a job like this isn't that easy. I'm not really proud of this part of my past."

"It's in the past Alex. We can't change the past. My brother has been clean for some years now and I think he's past that so we moved on from that, but it's still one of the most painful memories I have."

"I understand that. So you're not leaving me? I was scared of that ever since you left the café."

"No Alex. I'm not leaving you. I love you." she said and kissed Alex to convince her she was sincere.

"I love you too Pipes. I promise you I won't keep anything like that a secret anymore."

"No more secrets." Piper agreed. They kissed again and it was filled with so much emotion. Alex thought it was true what they said 'You never really know what you got until you (nearly) lose it.'. Soon their kisses got more passionate when they suddenly heard a loud knock on the door.

"Fuck, who is that?" Alex mumbled as Piper's still were on hers.

She quickly opened the door to get rid of the intruder as soon as possible.

"Hey Vause. Just checking if you're okay." Nicky said.

"Yes, I am very okay. Can we talk tomorrow?" Alex said shortly.

"Hey. I'm just trying to be a good friend. You still mad at me?" Nicky asked confusedly to why Alex wouldn't let her in.

"Yes - no. We'll talk about that tomorrow. For you, who obviously get no hints ever, you really gotta work on that, I'll tell you more clearly now. Piper is here. We talked. She's not breaking up with me. And I got other things on my mind right now than to discuss everything with you right now. So I'll see you tomorrow." Alex hurriedly said and was about to close the door.

"Okay. I get it." Nicky said and added while walking away "Get your girl Vause! I heard there's nothing like make up sex!"

"Fuck you." Alex mumbled to herself, but obviously loud enough for Nicky to hear while she couldn't hide a little grin.

"Nah, I don't think Piper would agree on that!" Nicky shot back and left.

"Just Nicky." she told Piper. "She wanted to check if I'm alright. Gone home now."

Alex pulled Piper towards her bedrooms and closed all the doors. The night was filled with so much emotion after the emotion-filled day that both women felt like this was the most intimate sex they ever had.

XXXXX

When they woke the next morning both women were happy to just lie next to each other cuddled together with their naked bodies.

"Good morning, love." Alex said her voice raspy from sleep.

"A good morning it is indeed, my love." Piper repeated her words and smiled at Alex before giving her a kiss on her cheek.

"I'm so happy that all this stuff from my past didn't separate us." Alex said.

"Yeah, me too." Piper replied.

"Nevertheless, if you still have questions you want to ask, you can ask me anything, okay?" Alex offered.

"Sure. Later though. Not right now. I'm enjoying this. Just being here cuddled up in your arms. It feels amazing. I don't ever want to get up."

"We could have breakfast in bed?!" Alex suggested.

"Someone's gotta get up and make it. But it does sound amazing."

"I'm gonna do that. You stay comfy and cozy here and I'll make breakfast." Alex said and moved to get up. She felt Pipers hands on her upper arms holding her back.

"But it's comfy and cozy because of you. If you're gone I don't have a reason to stay in bed anymore." Piper said. Alex closed her eyes. Did the blonde have any idea what she did just mentioning herself and a bed and being so damn cute when acting so innocent?

"You're making it very hard for me to get up. But we both need some food after last night's physical activities." Alex explained and looked at Piper with so much desire.

"Okay, okay. Only because I'm almost starving. I need something to eat. Do you want help?"

"I'll be fine. You keep the bed warm and I'll be back with breakfast in a bit." Alex smiled at her.

"Thank you. Maybe I'll have you for dessert then." Piper said almost casually. Alex had to concentrate really hard on going to the bathroom before making breakfast and not jump right back into bed with her girlfriend.

As Alex had left the room Piper covered herself completely under the blanket. Part of the bed smelled so much like Alex that she just felt blissfully happy wrapped in the warmth and the smell of her girlfriend. It would be better if she was in bed with her but this was the closest thing to the best. Just then she heard the door open and thought that Alex was incredibly fast in making breakfast when she heard a voice that she took a bit to recognize say: "Stop moping and get out of bed! Staying in bed won't make anything better."

"I'm sorry?!" Piper peeked out of the blanket to see Diane standing in front of the bed.

"Piper? Oh, I… uhm, I'm sorry. I didn't see Alex anywhere in the apartment so I figured she'd still be in bed. I just wanted to check on her." Diane was a little perplexed.

"Uhm, she should be in the kitchen. She said she's gonna make breakfast." Piper quietly explained blushing a little.

"Okay. Sorry. I'll go find her." Diane said smiling now.

"Okay. I'll be there too in a minute." Piper said, accepting that breakfast in bed was probably canceled. While leaving the room she heard Diane mumble "I told her so."

'Told her what?' Piper wondered and got dressed hoping to find out soon.