"I'll see you tomorrow at the festival," I said as I stood on my front porch. It was late, probably later than it should have been, and Sebastian had just walked me home after an evening of gaming in his room. My hands were caught in his, kept warm by the heat that seemed to roll off him almost constantly. No wonder he hated the summer time so much.
He nodded in reply and leaned forward, tucking in his chin as our foreheads met and our hands broke apart.
Against the cold, his lips were warm and soft. As his arms wrapped around me, I pressed against him and our kiss deepened. My heart pounded in my chest so viciously, I was sure he could hear it. Even as a breeze swept through the valley, I thought I would drown in the scent of him – tobacco, smoke, and wood. The heady rush of desire surged within me, and without being fully aware of it, my hands found their way under the edge of his hoodie and under his t-shirt. I felt his surprise from the shock of my chilled hands against his lower back. Somehow he only clutched me tighter and my core burned at the feel of him – the smoothness of his skin, the angles of his body, the trace of his fingers as they traveled down my spine.
We broke apart, panting for breath. Too quickly, I pulled my hands back to my sides as my face burned. "Shit," I said, averting my eyes. I took a half-step back and just barely resisted the urge to cover my face.
"Don't apologize," he said, voice thick with emotion. As my eyes met his, I saw that they glittered with unvoiced amusement.
"That was kind of embarrassing," I said, and bit my bottom lip. "What if somebody saw?"
His head cocked to one side as a faint smile played about his lips. "It wasn't embarrassing for me, and there's nobody around." He lowered his voice. "I'd kiss you again if you'd let me."
I didn't think my face could burn any hotter.
He let out a small laugh before composing himself. "I guess this is goodnight, then."
I nodded mutely and waved as he made his way down the front steps and retraced our steps. His smile was a slice in the darkness.
The next morning brought fresh snow with it, which seemed fitting given today was the Feast of the Winter Star. As I surveyed the fresh layer of powder, it struck me then just how close to spring we were. I didn't understand how it seemed that seasons out here changed so suddenly, but I knew that soon there would be new growth and more sun than snow. Contrary to what Sebastian had predicted, I continued to enjoy the snow. Maybe in a few years, the novelty would wear off, but for now, I still found a magic and majesty in the cold, white flakes.
As I worked my way through my morning chores, I thought about the previous night. Even now, my face flushed as I remembered how his eyes had danced in the darkness. Something had changed after our first kiss. There was a confidence and boldness in every interaction and touch between us, as though that night of admission and confession had lifted the latch on a gate through which our raw, true selves had emerged. Which wasn't to say that either of us had changed our personalities over night, but it was more that there was an openness between us; no longer did we have to question or fret over unrequited feelings. It was as though we had finally arrived at the place we had been blindly running towards since that fateful day his mother had brought me into their kitchen.
As 9 o'clock approached, I finished up my chores, bade my animals farewell, and swooped into my house to grab the present I was to secretly give. There was an excitement that seeped into me as I stepped back out into the cold. This was my first Feast of the Winter Star in my new home.
Back in Zuzu City, the focus on the Winter Star holiday had been around commercial purchases and people scrambling to buy as many presents for friends and family as possible. It was a maddening time in the city, and the streets were almost always full of shoppers. Although I was no longer in town to celebrate with them, my parents had still managed to send me a gift in the mail: a brand new pair of boots.
As I trotted towards town wearing them, I admired my new boots and made a mental note to send my parents a thank you note along with some token of my success, perhaps a bottle of wine or beer.
Stepping onto the paved path into town, I stopped in surprise at the sight before me. Giant candy canes stood along the path and prickly garlands adorned every bit of fence I saw. Most spectacular were the newly erected pine trees, decorated from top to bottom with ornaments of varying sizes and colours. Beneath them presents lay in small, haphazard stacks. The town square was transformed, and I had to admit that the townsfolk impressed me with every event they celebrated here. It was apparent that time and care went into putting up the decorations and planning the activities, and a sense of pride wove through me.
Wandering through the square, I waved at my fellow townsfolk. Everyone was with their families, and with a pang, it struck me how little of a support system I had out here. Maybe it was the sense of family permeating the air, but in that moment, I really missed my parents. I might truly be alone out here if it weren't for Sebastian. Which reminded me…
Spotting him clad in his usual dark clothing, I lost no time making my way over to him.
"Hi," I said, sidling up to Sebastian, who stood beside his mother at one of the large tables laden with food. Along another side of the table, Demetrius and Maru stood. They paused their conversation long enough to greet me cordially.
Sebastian looked to be in a surly mood, but as he faced me, a hardness in his eyes softened and his lips curved ever so slightly. "Hey," he replied with a sigh.
Hidden by the puffiness and length of my coat, he reached for my hand, and a fluttering began in my chest.
"How's it going?" I queried, and a visible ripple of defeat wove through him.
Tight-lipped, he replied, "Spending time with family is tiring sometimes."
"Agreed," I murmured. Looking past him to his mother, I said a little louder, "Hi, Robin."
"Hiya," she beamed at me, "you're welcome to join our family table if you need company."
I nodded. "Thank you for the offer. I might have to take you up on that. But first," I paused to reach into my backpack and retrieve the goat cheese I had stowed in there before leaving the house, "this is for you."
"Oh!" she said, her eyes growing wide. "So you're my secret gift-giver!" As she took the cheese into her hands, she inhaled deeply. A look of pure contentedness settled on her face. "Thank you so much. I love goat cheese." A laugh escaped her lips. "I'm glad to see that you've made use of the extra space I added to your barn."
"I've definitely made use of it," I assured her. "I have a couple goats now, and this is the first cheese I made with their milk."
"Do you mind?" she asked, gesturing at the cheese sitting on her palm.
"Er, no," I said carefully. Sebastian and I swiftly exchanged glances.
Robin brought the cheese to her mouth and took a quick bite of it. I could only blink and stare at her as she chewed pensively. She swallowed noisily and grinned. "Delicious," she exclaimed.
"Great," I said slowly. Glancing around, I was glad to see Mayor Lewis heading in our direction.
He puffed a bit as he shuffled over to us. "Farmer," he called, "it's your turn to receive your secret gift."
Sebastian released my hand and I felt him nudge me towards the tree in the centre of the square. I obliged and strode up to the towering arbor. Up close, I realized that this tree was real; the sweet smell of pine reached for me out of the sea of savoury aromas. As I stood just in front of the tree, looking up at its height, I heard footsteps crunch behind me in a familiar pattern.
Not wanting to turn around and ruin the surprise, I waited until the person stood beside me before turning to face him.
"Hey," he said, voice husky. "Surprise. I'm your secret gift-giver." He took a steadying breath as he presented me with my gift – a small box wrapped in red and green, tidily sealed with a golden bow. "Here, open it."
I took the gift in my hands and carefully ripped away the wrapping paper and ribbon, revealing a wooden box. Casting a curious glance at his reddening face, I opened the lid and gasped at its contents.
"Sebastian, it's beautiful," I breathed, and plucked the dainty ring from where it was nestled in its box. It emitted a small sphere of light around itself, and I could already imagine all the situations in which it would aid me in my work.
"It's a glow ring," he explained. "It'll light up the area around you." He reached for my hand holding the ring and hesitated. "May I?" he asked shyly.
"Oh, yes, certainly."
I let him take the ring from between my fingers. Holding my left hand in his, he paused as he held the ring out. My heart hammered in my chest, blocking out all other sounds around me. With a calm gentleness, he slid the ring onto my middle finger. He seemed to sigh with the movement, though I wasn't sure if it was from relief, acceptance, or disappointment.
On my finger, the ring glowed merrily, casting light all about me. I held my hand out before me, and in my peripheral vision, I caught heads turning towards me, and lips beginning to murmur.
He cleared his throat and I looked up to meet his warm, steady gaze. "I'm not good with words, not like you are," he began, "and I'm not good with talking about my feelings. But this gift captures how I feel about you." He seemed to blush harder and his voice shook as he said, "You're my light in the darkness."
For a moment, it felt as though the breath was knocked out of me, lost in the raging storm of emotions that tore through my insides and left my heart feeling full. "Sebastian," I said, nearly choking on his name, "I'm so touched. That means a lot to me. Thank you." Aware of the many eyes on us, I rose onto my tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek.
"Wow," Demetrius said as we rejoined the table. "What an illuminating gift." Sebastian stiffened beside me. "That must have cost a pretty penny."
"That's why I work," Sebastian said quietly.
"Right," Demetrius said coolly. "You said you do work when you're holed up in your room all day, every day."
A flash of anger flared in my veins. "Of course he works. His room is as much his office as the lab is yours."
Demetrius shrugged but said nothing, which I thought was wise of him.
I looked at Sebastian, then. If this had riled me up as much as it had, then almost certainly Sebastian was feeling at least some amount of anger and frustration. Studying the set of his jaw and crease of his brow, I said, "Walk with me."
He nodded, the tension in his brow easing up just a smidgen.
"Just need to get away from the action for a bit," I explained to those we passed as we picked our way out of the square, hand in hand. Caught up in the festivities, no one paid us any mind.
As we reached the edge of it, I sensed him relax as his shoulders lowered and his fingers became less rigid.
"Thanks," he said heavily. "It was stressing me out."
"I know," I replied, brushing a thumb over the back of his hand. "I could tell. And Demetrius was stressing me out."
He frowned then. "I don't want you to miss out on festival things because of me, though."
"As far as I'm concerned, I'm not missing anything by being here with you right now." I looked up at him, taking in the worry lines pulling at the corners of his mouth. "When you're at ease, that's when I'm happiest." I waved my free hand, my ring glinting in the light of its own glow. "Besides, I moved out here to get away from people."
He nodded and pushed back some hair that had fallen onto his face. "I'm grateful that you understand." He hesitated. "I've never met anyone else who has."
"People are awful and shitty," I shrugged. "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people think and act as though everyone else is like themselves."
He pondered my words for a moment, his expression unchanged. "Ugly, but accurate."
"Not all people are awful and shitty, though." I looked at him as we walked past the saloon. "I can't thank you enough for the ring." I held my hand out so I could admire it again, its glow bathing the world in a golden light. "It's one of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received. I don't know if I've ever felt so full and happy."
He ducked his head, obviously embarrassed. "It's a small gift. You deserve much more."
"No gift is small," I said firmly. "It's funny, I remember moving out here, wondering if I'd ever find purpose in my life. I don't think I've told you before," I hesitated, wrestling with my thoughts, "but back in the city, I struggled with that almost daily. There was so much hustle and bustle, I lost myself, and it felt like I was in some dark, endless pit." My voice caught at the end of my sentence, and I took a breath.
He nodded silently, adjusting his hand so that our fingers interlaced.
I began again, "And sure, I do the same things every day here – water crops, talk to neighbours, catch fish – but it's all so rewarding. People care about me, and I care about them." I swallowed loudly. "And a lot of that I owe to you. As much as I am your light, you're also mine."
He seemed to want to say something, but I saw his brows furrow as he struggled with it. The sounds of our friends and neighbours gabbing and laughing had dropped to a dull thrum behind us. His hand squeezed mine, and a sublime warmth suffused me, throwing my pulse into a frenzy. I didn't need to know the words he was trying to frame and make just right.
The rhythm of his footsteps ended as something snagged his attention. We stopped and he pointed at something above us, hanging off the eaves of Mayor Lewis's house.
"What is it?" I asked, peering up at the ribboned thing.
"Mistletoe," he said.
A jolt went through me. "Oh," I said, feeling that familiar, traitorous flush creep along my skin.
"I mean, I'm not one for tradition," he began, and a lovely pink spread across his cheeks, though his eyes were still dark with frustrated thought.
I didn't let him finish as I pulled him towards me, and reveled in the oncoming collision of his lips against mine. He crashed into me, and I accepted the hit with a trembling, naked heart.
It didn't matter that snow began to fall and soak my hair and skin. It didn't matter that at any moment, someone could wander by and see us. The world had fallen away at the edge of his touch – skin against skin, soul igniting soul.
And even as the beast inside me tried to plant thoughts in my head, every beat of his heart slammed the beast back into its place. There was no room left in me for the beast's demanding misery. I was whole and complete.
My head was reeling as we pulled away from each other, our cheeks rosy and warm. "Sebastian," I whispered.
"Yes?" he said, voice low and soft.
"I... I love you," I stammered.
His eyes twinkled in the midday light, and snowflakes glistened in his hair – a constellation of stars painted across a midnight sky. I could tell that he had grasped it now, the finished version of the words he had been deliberating over.
"I know," he said, his lips caught in a grin, "and I love you, too."
