Chapter 29. One last chapter to go. ;)
29.
I do not want you for only one night
Soon they had found a place in the storage room for Cherry and Caleb had set his camp there, too, although they had offered a place in the crew's quarters to him. Lillian had got Connor's cabin again, but this time it wasn't only because of politeness towards a woman. She was still very weak. It almost seemed like her body needed to regain all the life energy that had been stolen from her. Lillian slept a lot and couldn't stay on her feet for long. Connor was very concerned about her, but every time she assured him that she felt well despite that. But still he often caught his mind wandering to her. It especially didn't escape Faulkner's notice, who knew him better than anybody else on board. They were on sea for three days and during this time, Connor had often assigned the command to Faulkner to look after Lillian. His first mate never lost a negative word about it and Connor was grateful for it. He was well aware that he, as a captain, wasn't allowed to get distracted, but it gave him a better feeling when could make sure that Lillian was well. She had to spend most of her time alone after all, although Caleb often visited her, too. Connor had been seized by the uncertain fear that Lillian's recovery was only a temporary effect and that this was the reason for her weakness. He feared that she could die of the shot's consequences after all, although the wound itself had disappeared of course.
When he entered his cabin in the evening of the third day, it wasn't only because of his concern about Lillian but also because of his duties on board. They were going to reach England tomorrow and because he wanted to set off to America as soon as possible, he wanted to do the most necessary preparations. When he knocked on the cabin's door, he got no answer and so he slowly opened the door and carefully stepped inside. The curtain, that was separating the sleeping area from the rest of the cabin, was closed like always.
"Lillian?", Connor asked quietly, but again the answer was silence. Troubled Connor quickened his steps, pushed the curtain aside and looked at the bed, where Lillian had curled up, the blanket pulled up to her chin. She was asleep and still as white as a sheet. But at least she was alive. He took a breath of relief when he closed the curtain again. He didn't want to disturb her. As quiet as possible, he went to the desk, sat on the chair and unrolled the map of the Atlantic Ocean in front of him. Connor concentrated on the peculiarities of the route he wanted to take to America and eventually had to turn on the lamp on the desk as the daylight started to vanish. He raised his eyes when he noticed a movement from the corner of his eye. It was Lillian, who had pinned the curtain aside and was now slowly approaching the desk. Her open hair was tousled from sleep and her eyes still appeared tired, but there was a small sparkle in them which made her look more alive than she had done over the last couple of days. She also didn't seemed to be so weak on her feet anymore.
"I am sorry. Did I wake you up?", Connor asked and put the pencil aside which he had used to draw the route on the map.
"No, I woke up on my own and wanted to stand up when I noticed you're here", Lillian answered and stopped in front of the desk. A small smile played about her lips and she nodded at the map. "What are you doing?"
"I just checked the route to America. I have a better feeling if I am dealing with something like this before the departure."
Lillian nodded slowly and curiously stepped around the table, stopped beside Connor an glanced at the map. She followed the line he had drawn with the tip of her index-finger and obviously read the short, small notes he had made. "What do they mean?"
"Just reminders for myself about the peculiarities of the route which I have to consider. Ocean currents for example, or smaller reefs."
Lillian nodded slowly and smirked. "For me it looks like you could easily sail from here…" She tapped at Great Britain. "…to there." Her index-finger landed close to the northern tip of the American continent.
Connor shook his head, now smirking as well. "It is not that easy. And furthermore…" He grabbed her hand which was still pointing at the map and led her finger further down, into the south where Boston was located. "…we have to go there. Unless you prefer the Province of Quebec."
Lillian blinked, leaned a bit forward to read the little town names, straightened up again and chuckled.
"Well, I think Boston and its surroundings were cold enough for me sometimes. I have to get used to it first."
Could he take this as a statement that she actually planned to return to America, too? Until now he had never had the chance to ask her and he would have found it presumptuous anyway. It was a decision she should make unbiased. Be he hoped she would want it. He wanted to have her around himself and spend time with her. More than ever since he had believed he had lost her.
"How are you?", he asked the question that had probably been on his mind all the time. Lillian's gaze sank back to her hand that was still covered by Connor's. When he noticed it, he wanted to pull it back but Lillian turned her hand and intertwined her fingers with his.
"Much better. I'm tired, but it's not so bad anymore." She looked at him now and her smile really had its old strength back, although it appeared a bit hesitant right now. "I still have thank you for so many things", Lillian started. "Starting with that you let me sleep here again. I'm sorry that I'm always taking over your places to sleep."
Connor smirked. "I do not mind. You need to recover and I am really glad that you are feeling better."
"Only thanks to you", Lillian said quietly and her gaze slid back to their hands. "I don't know if I can thank you for what you've done. You already saved my life once. Maybe even twice. But this time…", she paused and lowered her head so that her hair fell over her shoulder and hid her face from Connor like a curtain. Connor felt her hand around his tighten and he saw her shoulder tense up, too.
"Lillian?", he asked quietly and slowly reached out his hand to gently brush her hair behind her ear. Now he saw what he had already guessed. She was crying, although she seemed to be trying to hold it back. Her lips were only a pale, slim line and her eyes shone in tears which were already running over her cheeks.
"Lillian, you do not have to thank me. It was the Shroud that saved you. There was not much I could do", Connor said and stood up. For him it was unnecessary that Lillian thanked him. It had been a matter of course that he had taken her out of the Thames back then, after he had provoked this accident. He wasn't sure what she meant with the second time, but also this time he hadn't hesitated for long to try to safe her with the Shroud. He would always do it again. But Lillian shook her head and looked at him again through teary eyes.
"I'm not only talking about the Shroud and that you wrapped me into it. I'm talking about what you've done before."
Connor cocked his head in confusion while her gaze roamed through the cabin. Her lips open, but she said no word until she looked at him again. He didn't knew what it was he saw in her eyes. It was a deep pain and a likewise deep fear, but at the same time something totally different. This warmth with which she had looked at him in the underground hideout. When he had carried her outside and when she had lied in his arms dying.
"As strange as it sounds, but I'm grateful for what you did when I…died", Lillian started and pushed him into even more confusion. He had watched her dying. How could she be grateful for it? "I was very scared", Lillian continued and her voice was shaking as if she was feeling this fear again. "It was the worst feeling I ever had. To feel how your strength leaves you although you don't want it. I could only think that I wanted to live and what I was going to lose if I died. But it changed when you told me that you won't leave me alone. To know that you're with me gave me the strength to forget my fear and let go. I didn't lose anything, I took something with me."
A small smile flitted across her lips, as she kept looking at him and squeezed his hand gently. "I thank you for always being with me. Before me death, in the meantime and after it. It means more to me than you can imagine."
At first, Connor didn't know what to say about her gratitude. For him it had been a matter of course to be there for Lillian. He hadn't needed to think about it and above all, he had never thought about what it meant to her. He had noticed that she had been afraid and nobody could have held this fear against her. That she had asked him to stay with her had been an understandable reaction to her fear. Who would want to die alone? But he had never believed that it had been so important to her and this knowledge made him feel this affection to her again. Without hesitation, he took one last step to her, pulled her into his arms and propped up his chin on her head as she returned the embrace and leaned against him. It felt so natural, although he would have pushed her away only a few days ago.
"I never could have left you alone, Lillian", Connor said quietly. "And I will always be there for you if I can."
He hadn't needed to think about these words. As hard as it was for him to express his feelings and rarely talked about them, he was sure that he didn't want to let Lillian go so soon. By now she meant much more to him than he had ever expected it and no matter what she was feeling in return, he wanted her to know that she wasn't all the same to him and that she had somebody she could count on. As long as she wanted it and he hoped so. Lillian didn't answer at first but the grip of her arms around him tightened for a moment and she raised her head to look at him. Again there was this warmth in her eyes which he would love to see there every time. A gentle smile played about her lips and Connor's pulse quickened when she raised a hand and put it on his cheek. Her thumb ran over his cheekbone and the tenderness of this touch made him close his eyes. It felt like in the morning in the cabin and he enjoyed it. In this moment, he wished nothing more than it would always be like this between them and that this morning didn't remain unique. He always wanted to have the chance to hold Lillian in his arms. Like in this moment, but also like now.
A quiet knock on the cabin's door tore this moment rudely apart. Lillian pulled her hand away and took a step back as the door opened and Faulkner glanced inside. His gaze slid back and forth between Lillian and Connor and a hardly visible smile flitted across this face before he cleared his throat.
"I'm sorry to disturb, but we need you outside, Captain. A tiny problem at the foremast."
"Yes, I will come immediately."
Faulkner simply nodded and gave Lillian a short smile before he disappeared again. It was silent inside the cabin for a moment until Lillian uttered a quiet sigh and stepped away from the desk.
"I don't want to hold you back. Your crew shouldn't get a wrong impression from you because of me." She smiled but Connor shook his head.
"Do not worry about it." He came around the desk and grabbed her hand in passing to squeeze it gently. "Do you want me to come back later?"
Lillian's smile widened as she nodded and he smiled, too. He couldn't tell how glad he was that she was feeling better and that he got the chance to spend time with her. He let her hand go and went to the door when Lillian's voice stopped him. When he turned around, she was holding his tricorn in her hand which he had put on the desk. Again she had a crooked smile on her lips. "The Captain shouldn't forget this one, shouldn't he?"
She stepped to him and he smirked as she stretched and put the hat on his head. Her hand brushed down to the back of his neck and shortly afterwards, he felt her soft lips on his. A short kiss, but the first – except of Connor's kiss before her death – they were sharing since the morning in the cabin and which made him know that Lillian must feel the same way.
In the afternoon of the next day, they reached the bay close to the assassins' hideout. Lillian and Connor paid his brothers and sisters a visit and told them about the events on Unst. The evening before, after he had returned to the cabin, Lillian had finally told him what had happened in the chamber underneath Muness Castle during his absence. When Lester had gathered information in London, he had met Gardner. The templar had promised him negotiations about peace between the order and the brotherhood and Lester, who had wished nothing more after the loss of so many assassins, had agreed, full of hope and desperation. He had sent the templar a message after he had left Connor and Lillian at Noel's. He hadn't told Gardner about Connor to use him as a trump if Gardner should betray him. That was the reason why he had sent him into the wrong direction. He had wanted to hand Lillian over to Gardner, who had promised not to harm her. In the end, Gardner had shot him to prove the authenticity of the Shroud. The templar had only been driven by his greed and not his wish for peace. In his endeavor to safe the brotherhood, Lester had made terrible mistakes but none of his brothers could hold them against him. Neither could Connor.
The assassins grieved about the message of their grandmaster's death but they were not reproachful because Connor hadn't brought Lester with him. But he hadn't told them about what had happened to Lillian. He didn't want to risk their resentment if they should ask why she was alive and Lester wasn't. So they thanked him and Lillian for the information and wished them all the best when they bid farewell. Connor was relieved as they could leave the hideout and looked forward to their long awaited journey home. He was looking forward returning to Davenport and being surrounded by familiar people and a familiar landscape. He wanted to leave England and all the bad memories about it behind and hoped that his crew could prepare the Aquila for the departure as soon as possible. They had got enough straw and hay for Cherry and so there was nothing stopping them from setting sail.
Connor already saw himself on the Atlantic when he walked the path to the bay until he noticed that Lillian wasn't following him as he had expected it. With the luggage she had left here, the assassins had given her a letter which she had read with a thoughtful expression and walking slowly. When Connor turned around to her, she had stopped. After she had appeared so happy yesterday and even today, she now looked very insecure and concerned about this change of mood, Connor returned to her.
"Is everything alright?"
Silently Lillian shook her head and gave him the letter which he read frowning. It was from Theresa Bonham who was telling Lillian that she was in Sussex and not in a good condition. He felt the most different feelings while reading. He was as concerned as Lillian because also he didn't liked Theresa, he knew how much the old lady meant to Lillian and this thought made him realize why Lillian was now standing here and hesitating. He had been sure she was going to come to America with him because it had really seemed like she was considering it. But what was she thinking now that her mentor was sick? Certainly the same thing Connor would have thought if this had been about Achilles: Never he would have abandoned the old man. But this recognition made him feel sad because it seemed to be so final and he didn't even want to think about it.
"You are not coming with us?", he asked and heard Lillian taking a deep breath before running her hand through her hair. It seemed like she didn't know herself what she wanted. She didn't answer for a while, but when she finally looked at him, her gaze was insecure.
"How will it go on?", she asked. "I don't know what's happening between us. I would love to come to America with you, but what happens when we arrive and come to rest? We've been through so many nerve-racking events which brought us together but what if it isn't permanent and we realize that the few moments we had were wonderful but meaningless? There is nothing for me in America."
Connor didn't know how to answer her questions, but he had to admit that she was right. He didn't know what he was feeling for her either. Was he in love? Certainly, because his affection for her and the wish to have her close was beyond everything he had ever felt for a woman. But was this love going to remain when they were back in America and returned into their daily lives? How should he know if he had never felt this way before? He understood Lillian's concerns but there was this egoistic voice in his head that wanted Lillian to decide to come with him. This voice made him turning his eyes away and pressing his lips together, before asking: "So you do not want to come with me because you are afraid?"
"Not only because of this", Lillian replied immediately. "I…have to take care of Theresa. She is my family."
He understood her too well. He wouldn't have decided differently, no matter how sad it was right now. Connor sighed, approached Lillian and wrapped his arms around her. Like in the evening before, she leaned against him while he propped up his chin on her head and gently caressed her back. He didn't want to let her go. It felt like it was a farewell forever and he didn't want it. He wanted to see her again and find out if he could answer her question about the future. She was the first woman he was having deep feelings for and as new as it was for him, he didn't want it to end. The thought of losing her when she had lied dying in his arms had been unbearable enough. He didn't want this farewell to be final.
"Does it mean you do not want me to wait for you? That you do not plan to leave England?", he asked carefully without knowing which answer he was expecting. Lillian didn't hesitate again.
"I will use the time to think about everything, but one day I will come to America. No matter if you are waiting for me or not."
It sounded totally determined and Connor was likewise determined. "I will."
He would also think about his feelings, too but for now he was happy to know, that Lillian still considered coming to America. It made him feel hope that they would have the chance to experience the few wonderful moments they had more often and this hope was increased by the kiss Lillian gave him. It was deep kiss which basically made every word of farewell unnecessary. Connor didn't dare to think of it and just enjoyed holding her in his arms. They embraced each other for quite a while, until Connor had to pull away to return to the Aquila. They both didn't say anything when he turned away and walked down the path. But then Lillian called him back. Confused Connor turned around and was filled by hope when he saw her running towards him.
"No matter if you said it or not: What does Sosse raosi…"
"So:se raotsi:tsa?", Connor smirked. He had never thought about what he had said to Lillian while being in fever. Back then he hadn't wanted to admit what his subconscious mind had spoken out for him what he had already felt when she had risked so much for him. When Lillian nodded, he grabbed her hand and ran his thumb over its back while looking into Lillian's eyes.
"It is my people's name for a flower that grew almost everywhere close to our village. The Atamasco Lily or just White Lily. It is a very delicate flower with petite blossoms but very resistant. It resists all kind of weather, every change of the ground and somehow, you remind me of it."
Lillian smiled. "Lily. Lillian."
Connor nodded. It fit her.
"It's almost romantic." A cheeky grin flitted across Lillian's face while Connor made a grimace, but smirked slightly.
"Are you still saying when I tell you that the lily grows better in marshland?"
Her eyebrows arched and now she was the one who squinched up her face.
"That makes it less romantic."
Connor chuckled before hugging her shortly, kissing her forehead and finally returning to the Aquila. No matter what time was going to bring, he was glad that he had met somebody like Lillian and he was already looking forward to seeing her again.
