Hey there, peepz! Know what time it is? Right, UPDATE TIME! I'm still in complete awe about all the interest, love and attention my writing is getting right now and it's... pretty overwhelming. I can't really wrap it around my head. I'm trying to convey my thanks every chapter somehow, but... let's just say I am so, so grateful. Thank you, everyone, really. And please, NEVER be shy to voice your critic or correct me on my English hiccups, it will only help me getter better in the end! :)
les4ev: I'd read any comment to the end, even if it were a less than stellar one, but honestly, thank you sooo much! Gods, the praise, I don't know what to say! Other than: Oh no, I spoiled you for other fics? D: Nooo! But still, THANK you!
imperfectionisunderrated: Haha, I wish I could see you going crazy on Tumblr, I'm not on it XD Maybe I'll join someday, but I'm already getting acquainted with Twitter... one step at a time! And about McGonagall, well, I think Dumbledore is a lot more lenient with addressing someone than her, like some big, cuddly old grandpa :D But McGonagall feels like someone proper and professional, I can't see her addressing Bella by her first name just like that. And don't feel guilty, you know I love long replies! :D Yeaaah, I said I would be there for three months, but... uh... the money went just poof, gone. But at least I stayed a month and it did me good, especially for my self-esteem :)
Pandora'sMoon: I'm a VERY fast reader, I can relate :D Ah, don't worry about skill in reviewing! And if you wanna go to France... go! Or some other beautiful place you want to go to. It's a wonderful and great experience and worth both the time and the money :)
bluewolf198: Haha, funny to know I'm causing chaos on other sites XD It's cool to know you see it like a movie, 'cause I kinda do as well. The scenes at least :) And wow, rereading it so often? Amazing! Thank you for those nice words! :D Oh, and don't worry about the thing. My data is safe and sound on my computer and in case it REALLY is taken down, I will post it on a different site. Maybe tumblr. I will announce it over my Twitter if that ever happens, but thanks for the heads up!
Amaranta316: You totally have to tell me about the soundtrack for this fic sometime, I'm curious :) And I like Hermione as well, I'm awfully impressed by her. I don't know if I could have done all the things she has done and stay the person she is. Awesome lady there! And thanks for saying that about the titles, I love choosing them, so I'm glad it's appreciated :D
domrideira: I wish I was as diligent with everything else as I am with my writing XD The mosquitoes got me a few times, but it didn't itch. Weird. I arrived safely back home, thanks for the concern! :)
sugarspiceandnotsonice: Awww, can't see the video *sniff* But cake is always good. As is cocoa *sips*
lemon-rind: Hehe, thank you, I kinda love doing it, so it's best for everyone! :)
smurf: Glad to hear that! I aspire to entertain, so it's nice to know my updates make your day better ^^ Oh, don't worry, I wasn't put off at all, I'm very thankful for it! Because you are completely right: It can only help me grow and that's what I want to do :D
fracturediamond: That's very nice how you put it and I really hoped it would work like that! To know I can make people's day or even week better with just a simple update really makes me happy :) Makes it all worth it more! My travel back was way too boring, but totally safe, so thank you! :D
malicekirisame: Haha, Dumbledore is awesome like that. He just knows stuff before everyone else, I love him that way :D
Jenn L: Thank you! No, it's not near the end yet, it will have at the very least 40 chapters in total. Your story sounds really interesting! I wrote down a note to check it out once I have finished TGCWW, because I promised myself 'No new fics until it's done!', but after that I'd love to take a look! :)
MmeMaxime: Ja, Hermione wird definitiv mutiger. Und Bella? 'Mutig' wäre vielleicht das falsche Wort für ihre Aussage ;) Oman, klar, ich hab so ein Brett vorm Kopf. Ich bin ja selber erst richtig ans Englisch lesen gekommen, weil ich mehr Fanfictions haben wollte... haha XD Yepp, ich war in Paris, aber nur für drei Stunden. Ich bin zweimal durchgefahren, das wars :D
Celery sticks: Romantic, mushy Bella would be pretty weird at this point of the story, you're right. Although it would be awfully cute to see :D And thanks for pointing that out, I tend to overlook stuff like that X] *notes to correct it later* Here's chapter 29, total amount of love now raised by 13,48%? :D
littlewitch2016: Seriously, I just want them to jump each other's bones and I'm the writer! I COULD make them do that! But my reasoning says 'No, Kurai, behave yourself. Make it realistic. Take it slooooow.' And my fantasy says 'FU** SLOW.' And then they both reach a middle ground in UST... *sigh* Chloé is most likely responsible for half my readers XD
nayapotter34: I hope I am. Not only would it be a huge compliment, it would be for my own benefit as well, hoho!
ToritheElf: If I had the money, I'd hire Chloé in a heartbeat. Not just for Bellamione stuff, she'd be busy painting my favorite pairings ALL day long :D Thank you for your nice words, they are appreciated, every one of them :) And I think Hermione might have a word or two to say about the stealing... :D
hollowwind: Haha, I appreciate that you still wrote it even though you are sick of it *g* I have no idea how I do it, really. As a writer, I'm never fully happy with my work, so I'm biased X] Good to hear your thoughts on this and glad to hear it works on an emotional level :) Ah, yeah, the Patronus... *rubs hands gleefully*
Imperial: It's my favorite pasttime as well! Well, until I told myself 'finish this or no new fic!' XD I'm a diamond in the rough? Oh, stop it, you *blush* Thank you, I hope you'll have fun with the new chap :)
Angoisse: I really have no idea. Like, none at all. I'm deadly serious. ...*cough*
ThrottaKaze: Oh boy, I have to finish it then! No dead readers on my watch :D Wow, thank you for your comment! And my ass says he doesn't mind, but bring flowers next time ;D I went to France, but I drove through Belgium on my way home, so I kiiiinda went there XD Oh no, you can't read other Bellamione? No! I ruined you ;_;
Hush Puppy: Thank you! Yeah, a looot of effort went into this, but I loved doing it and research is fun. It was all worth it! :) And you're totally right, the tables have turned, finally! I got home tired but safe, thanks :D
subhurt: Aw, that's so nice, thanks! I'm sorry, it will have to end sometime, but I hope I can make the way there worth it ;) There is some wonderful Bellamione out there, don't worry! Just not enough, sadly .
Gandalf the Gay: Oh noes, the lol is gone! D: Yeah, they are kinda beating around the bush at this point... so when, oh when, will it all tip over? Progress is awesome, we can totally agree on that :D
All you reviewers are wonderful, great beings and again, thank you from the bottom of my heart! And considering it's already Thursday here, there's time for announce a special occasion... Happy birthday, imperfectionisunderrated! ^_^ Have fun with the update!
29. The Eleventh Hour
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
Miss Granger, Madame Black,
please meet me in my office after school hours.
Sincerely, Professor McGonagall
Curious and a little bit afraid, Hermione stared down at the note that had found its way into her possession. For the last week, Bellatrix had managed the amazing feat of vanishing into thin air, never appearing at a place where the brunette stayed. A slight suspicion had snuck into her mind that the older woman had put a silencing charm on her room, just to make sure the younger witch believed she was never in there. Or maybe she really wasn't. Fact was, it had been a long time since Hermione had heard her Vow partner trashing anything in her room like she had been prone to do on the isle.
Unable to help the summoning, she took a deep breath and knocked apprehensively at the door to the raven haired woman's room. Despite Bellatrix's disinterest in her, the brunette longed for a chance to see the aggressive pure-blood again.
"Bella? Are you there?"
When no answer was forthcoming, Hermione cleared her throat. "McGonagall would like to see us both. It's probably important."
As if to prove her theory on the Silencing spell correct, the door opened so suddenly in front of her face, that the young witch had to bite back a yelp. Fully dressed and with unruly hair, Bellatrix stared at her with dark, black eyes and an expressionless face.
"Fine. Move it."
"Uhm... all right then."
It seemed unless they had a full-on confrontation, Hermione had a hard time finding the right words to talk freely around the other woman. Despite all she knew, outside of their fights she had a rough time predicting what Bellatrix might be thinking or feeling, especially when she was shutting herself off like this. It was as if there was a cocoon of unbreakable diamond around the older witch. And although Hermione had found a small crack and kept her fingers firmly logged inside it, often enough the strength to pull was gone... and she was left wondering if she was making any progress at all.
She could still vividly remember the first time she had seen the mad woman walk towards them in the flesh inside the Ministry, filling the whole hall with an tangible aura of menace, leaving the Gryffindor and her friends both frozen and shivering in terror. Even wrapped in a younger shape the danger was still clinging to Bellatrix's skin, if yet more subdued than before. Still, those horrible intense expressions on her face, which had them all feel like the last, frail meal of a predator, were exactly the same, even though Hermione had built up a certain resistance to both them and her instinct to flee.
Yet she couldn't help but imagine how others might see the former Death Eater, trying to ignore her own flutter of heart whenever she glanced in the direction of pale skin and midnight curls, trying to curb the warm spark her name erupted and forcing herself to forget all the softer sides she had seen the pure-blood show. It wasn't easy.
Alluring was one word she could add without having to think about it. As if having the heritage of a dark sister of the Veela, the eldest Black managed to draw looks wherever she went, everyone knowing the unmistakeable frame and features of the attractive woman. But it was more than just her looks: She wore her presence and character around her like a thick, heavy mantle, one that you couldn't help but notice. Bellatrix filled a room with her ego, no matter where she went. And even if she wore a scowl or her usual bored expression, most - most meaning nearly all of Hogwarts' male population - stopped and stared with a mild to intense interest that had Hermione raise her mental hackles in frustration. Her watching Bellatrix talk to the Slytherins while wearing that sly smirk felt like being a faithful dog seeing his owner pet another animal with glee.
Gah, bad comparison, bad comparison. Shaking her head free of it, Hermione couldn't wrap her head around what people like Harry or Ron might see when gazing at a former enemy they still harbored unresolved hate for. Would they see the change? Could they understand what Bellatrix had gone through just by looking at her?
The answer was obvious and left a sour feeling in Hermione's stomach. Of course they can't. That's ridiculous, however much I might hope it were true. It would make everything so much easier.
The eldest Black followed her like a dark shadow, only the swish of her dress and the clicking of her heels heralding her presence to the world. Just a thought of those high boots had a slight shiver run along Hermione's spine, making her wonder if she had created a strange fetish involving a sultry Bellatrix in nothing but her glowing skin and those black sho-... dear god, hormones, how I hate you.
Clearing her throat awkwardly, the young woman was thankful for the short hair, as the cool air in the halls lowered the heated temperature at the back of her neck significantly.
All too soon they were standing in front of the gargoyle.
There was an impatient gaze burning into her back as Hermione realized belatedly that she didn't have a password.
"Well?" Bellatrix groused behind her back.
"Uh..." Helplessly, Hermione stared at the ground, then at the gargoyle in front of her. It was only then that she saw the ugly stone creature wiggling his eyebrows at her, quite unsubtly pointing one claw of the frozen, raised paw repeatedly in the direction of her note.
Dumbfounded, the brunette turned the note around and saw the small letters scribbled at the back.
"Oh. Thanks, I guess."
The gargoyle presented a ghastly, sharp-toothed grin, but there was a bit of mirth in his granite eyes.
"Alohomora."
Dutifully jumping aside to make space for the visitors, the creature let them through before resuming his never-ending watch. For a moment Hermione wondered what it had to be like as a gargoyle, standing around decade after decade doing... well, nothing. What a boring job. Maybe they slept 90% of their lives?
"Good afternoon, professor. You wanted to see us?" Hermione greeted her teacher, slowly walking inside the room, the silent, vigilant pure-blood right at her heels.
McGonagall looked up from a book she was browsing through, standing right beside the case she had taken it from. For a second she appeared puzzled, blinking owlishly through her glasses at them before remembering they were actually here, waiting for her. "Oh," she exclaimed, quickly setting the book aside, "thank you for coming. Please, have a seat."
Wondering about the teacher's strange behavior a second ago, the brunette pushed it aside and walked to the small seating area on the left, wearily seating herself on a sofa. Bellatrix chose the loveseat and sprawled herself in it in her usual, unladylike manner, which earned her a disapproving look from the proper, older woman. McGonagall chose not to comment on it.
"It is nothing worrying," the Headmistress began when sitting down in front of her student, "I simply would like to talk to you about a few things concerning your future. Especially yours, Miss Granger."
That had Hermione sit up a bit straighter. "My future?"
"Yes. To be more exact, what your future plans after school contain. Have you given it any thought?"
Giving a bored click of her tongue, the former Death Eater swung her leg back and forth and began picking loose threads out of the covering, while the younger woman furrowed her brows in thought.
"Only just recently... I have plans to apply for the Ministry when I have my N.E.W.T.S, preferably the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures."
McGonagall smiled, adjusting the glasses on her nose. "I suspected you would tend into that direction and I have little doubt they will take you with open arms. Why, I believe the week after you've had your exams, you will be able to swim in the Ministry's recruiting letters."
Hermione blinked. "What makes you say that?"
There was a wistful sigh. "Because the Ministry already won't leave us alone about you, especially after Mister Potter and Mister Weasley joined them as Aurors in training. I had to enforce a ban with Kingsley's help to make sure they wouldn't contact you before you have written your exams."
"What? You forbade them from contacting me? But... it would have made quite a difference in my future plannings," Hermione stuttered out, only now realizing she had not made any plans until her talk with Ginny. Yet forcing a possible employer away from her seemed downright unfair.
"Please, Miss Granger, let me explain," McGonagall interjected as she saw a hint of anger arise in her charge's posture. "You don't know these people as well as I do. You see, they are practically salivating at a chance to have you, the Golden Girl, in one of their offices. Every department is rubbing their hands in unhidden anticipation to recruit you for them and if I had let them, you would have been swarmed with letters, offers, pamphlets and who knows what. I wouldn't even put it past them to send out agents to speak with you personally and demanding your time. With the most important exams coming up and your already narrow timetable, having the Ministry pestering you at every available moment would have been sheer absurdity, so I made sure they knew their place until the right time."
"Oh." Of course, she should have known, McGonagall would never actively try to put stones into her path. Instead the Headmistress had tried to protect her and her ability in class by making sure she had enough time for herself and wasn't overwhelmed by possible job offers, some of them more aggressive than she was ready to deal with. She had already one unstable factor to deal with, one that was only a mere meter away from her. "I... didn't think about that. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions."
"It is fine, I understand how you would feel by-passed, but I hope you understand my position."
"I do," Hermione admitted, sheepishly placing her hands between her knees. "And it was probably for the best. I wouldn't have been able to think clearly with all the input coming in."
"Good. Then make sure you are ready when the last day of your exams is over... I doubt they will show mercy in their recruitment." As the brunette pulled a face, glancing at a half-asleep Bellatrix nearby, McGonagall went on. "There is another topic as well... which deals with the verdict made last year."
In an instant, the former Death Eater's half-lowered eyes were not sleepy but furtive.
"As you both know, court has decided Madame Black has to be under our supervision for one year, which is until the end of September. That would be three months from now. While I certainly can make daily visits to Malfoy Manor, which would be the place you will be staying at when the school year ends," McGonagall explained in the direction of the raven haired witch, who only lowered her eyes in distaste, "your involvement will be a bit more delicate, Miss Granger."
"Well, daily visits are certainly not easy... especially if I have to get ready for my new job," Hermione mused with a bit of dread. So I won't see her again soon. It's only three more months. "But I'll do it. It'll be straining, but verdict is verdict."
"I believed you would say that," McGonagall said with a relieved puff of breath. "Which is why I have taken measures to make sure everything will go over smoothly. You both are also still under the Ministry's protection, so I have contacted Lady Malfoy and she has given me the assurance that if you would be willing, you are welcome to stay with them for the determined time. Malfoy Manor has some the best and ancient protections and so is easier guarded than your parents' home, Miss Granger."
Mouth dropping open, the young girl stared at her teacher, but was vividly reminded of Narcissa's offer when they met at the train station. She offered me to stay at her house. She's making it true now. A snort at her side ripped her out of her thoughts.
"Great that I get a say in all this. Thanks for asking," Bellatrix commented in a sickly sweet voice, anger barely hidden.
"You, Madame Black, should be happy you are alive and well, sitting here with a chance at a normal future thanks to Miss Granger's efforts in the court room," the Headmistress snapped harshly at the other witch, her full authority out front as Bellatrix surprisingly moved an inch back at the dangerous edge in McGonagall's tone. Not even the most feared witch in the world fared any better against the older lady's infamous rebuke mode.
"Gosh, fine! Take it easy, no need to bite my head off," the pure-blood groused back, crossing her legs in a huff. "Little warden here has to say Yes first anyway."
Hearing the scowl of the raven haired woman even in her words, Hermione deflated at the wonderful opportunity of staying at the Manor near Bellatrix for another few weeks, before probably never seeing her again. Seconds ago, a strong and enthusiastic Yes had been lingering at the tip of her tongue, but now she swallowed it down. Maybe a clean cut is a better idea. Am I really running after a fantasy? A dream?
"Can I... can I think about it?"
"Of course. You have until the day you leave Hogwarts, everything else would be rude to Lady Malfoy."
Nodding slowly, the young woman fiddled with the cuff of her top. "I'll think about it."
The loud sound of two boots hitting the stone floor filled the calm atmosphere intrusively. "Great. Are we done then? I have better things to do."
"That was all," McGonagall replied calmly, showing visible restraint even though she was quite miffed. "You can leave if you want."
"Nevermind me then," Bellatrix hissed back and stalked out of the big room.
Sighing deeply and moving out of her seat, Hermione send her teacher an apologetic smile and started to move, but a reminder made her stop. "Uh, professor?"
The Headmistress stood up as well, folding her hands in front of her body. "Is there anything else I can help you with, Miss Granger?"
"Well, I... yes. When we came in... it's a weird question, but why were you looking at us so strangely?"
There was that inquisitive look in green eyes again, a sharp and awake intellect probing her soul in a way that had had school students of more than a decade squirming uneasily in their seats. For a moment Hermione wondered if the older woman would even answer her. "It is kind of hard to explain, I must admit. But when you came in... I was reminded of the first time I saw you two standing together. It was... somehow disconcerting. A year ago, when we walked these halls, you were filled with trepidation at the very thought of staying in the same room with Madame Black, but now the very air around the two of you is different. More relaxed. Closer and yet... further apart. If that makes sense."
Wistfully, Hermione tilted her head to the ground and smiled weakly. "Yeah," she admitted quietly, "that makes a lot of sense."
Leaving her teacher to wonder about her words, the Head Girl quickly gave her good-byes and hurried out the door before another question could come forth.
Closer and yet further apart. How weirdly fitting. Hermione was plagued by a curious sensation as she wandered through the halls alone. Unconsciously choosing the more deserted, calmer floors, making a bow around the hustle and bustle of the young people moving around, she found herself deep in thought about what was giving her trouble.
It hit her pretty quickly.
Future.
It was a heavy word, a big one. It had a sense of finality in it, despite being filled with endless possibilities and choices along the roads she could take. The brunette couldn't quite decide if she felt her path in life was predetermined or if she was rather drifting along on an open sea, lonely and without guide in a small wooden boat fully exposed to the weather's whims. Being not overly religious, even with all the magical wonders she had seen in her life, there was also no answer or guide to be found there.
What would happen in the next years? What were her plans? Hermione was astonished when she became aware of the fact that she didn't know. Other than getting a job and deepening her education, she had spend little thought on what she wanted.
What I want...
Well, that was obvious. There was one thing she wanted, but probably would never have, because of the repercussions and the disinterest. Bellatrix. If she could choose one thing she wished for, then it was a life with the woman loathing her feelings, but that was not possible, was it? Bellatrix had been right, what was she thinking? That the woman would fall in love with her, move into a small house, get jobs, build a family and everything would be great and dandy? Feeling a heavy melancholy settle on her shoulders, Hermione found her way outside, sitting down on the stone steps to gaze at the afternoon horizon.
Yes, she was running after a castle in the air, one that had no substance and which she would never be able to reach.
And yet. And yet.
I love her. More than ever she became aware of the simple fact, the emotion firmly connected to each cell of her body, every part of her being. It filled up every corner and lingered around every waking thought, following her like a warm breeze into the deepest sleep and engulfing her whole existence like a soft blanket the moment she woke up. It was sweet and nonintrusive, always there, sometimes more notable, sometimes less. I love her. It's as hard and easy as that.
Rubbing her face with her hands, Hermione wondered if she could ever outgrow this feeling. There was little sense in running away and no chance she would find distraction in anyone else's arms. Maybe time would ease the connection, like it soothed pain. Maybe it would never quite go away, but at least fade until she was able to not think about it every day.
She was caught in a pandemonium, nothing more and nothing less. Caught between a rock and a hard place, sitting between two chairs - however you wanted to put it, there was little chance to reconcile both her mind and soul. A never-ending philosophical debate and I'm right in the middle of it.
First things first. Next week, the exams would start and she had better things to do than sit here and lament about facts she was unable to change at the moment. There was still a lot of schoolwork waiting for her on the desk in her room, whether or not she was able to concentrate on it.
The decision was taken from her quite fast, as the tests took up all of her time and concentration. There was no other choice but to fully immerse herself in the school work. Her martial arts teacher had been worried about her health before she had been banned from leaving Hogwarts alone, especially after he saw some of the healing wounds on her body after the attack on Hogwarts, but Hermione was adamant in keeping up with the training on her own. It had become her personal investment to both understanding her body (and herself in the process), as well as clearing her mind of all worldly stress. She gained more than physical strength and dexterity from it and no one would be able to take away the self-assuredness the training gave her, the small, personal achievements no one was privy to but herself and, once she would be able to meet with him again, her teacher.
Having never experienced such quiet in the school as when the N.E.W.T.s took place, Hermione cherished the calm even with her mind drifting from subject to subject. Even though she browsed through several books and notes during the test period, the seven years of dutiful class appearance, detailed homework and free time learning now payed off very handsomely.
The young woman breezed through her exam, most of the teachers giving her satisfied smiles after an oral examination, but even the written work was hardly challenging. To her left and right, most others in her class were sweating bullets by the time Hermione signed her work with a flourish, handing it to the instructors never quite too soon or too late.
"Kill me. Now, please. And do it quickly, Transfigurations is next," Ginny moaned painfully when they were leaving Potions, which had gone over surprisingly well. Even for the redhead hanging beside her.
"Oh, come on, you weren't bad. And yesterday, I questioned you on all the basics and you were doing fine, so don't talk yourself down now." Hermione tried to encourage her friend, bumping a fist into a slumped shoulder.
"Stop being so chipper, you exam devil." Stretching her neck and back until they popped, the younger woman heaved a deep sigh. "I swear, my hand is so rubbery from all the writing I'm sure I can't do a single spell gesture right. I'm going to turn McGonagall into a rabbit, just wait."
"If it's a pretty rabbit, she might show lenience."
"Cute, Hermione, cute. Now let's eat something quickly, before they drag us back into exam hell."
Chuckling at the grumbling tone, Hermione turned around to wander to the Great Hall. And stopped her movement when she saw a familiar figure coming closer.
Bellatrix, as if sensing the gaze, looked up from the book in her hand she had considered while walking and a fleeting expression of surprise was chased over her features. Then the detached haughtiness returned and she strode on as if nothing happened. The brunette on the other hand, found her feet rooted to the floor.
"Don't forget, Granger," the pure-blood drawled as she walked past, not granting Hermione her full attention, "I doubt very much you will break my records. Have fun trying." And then she was gone, only the softest whisper of her fragrance left behind.
When Hermione felt ready to awaken from her rigidity, she saw Ginny blinking curiously at her. "What was that about?"
"I'm not really sure," the brunette answered truthfully, "but I guess it's the closest to a 'good luck' of her I will ever come."
"Strange woman."
"Don't tell me," Hermione muttered, trying not to sigh wistfully at the fact that the dark witch remembered their chat beside Black Lake. Ushering the redhead forward, she chose to distract her friend with much needed food to keep her from asking embarrassing questions.
And then, suddenly, the N.E.W.T.s were over.
One week came and went in a hurry, leaving behind bleary eyed young people, whose stress was now replaced with worrying over how they had done in the exams. Talk about the subjects had quieted down, only to flare up again when everyone groused how that teacher had been much too demanding, while this test had been far too hard for what they had done in the lessons.
Hermione found herself fleeing the charged atmosphere, happy to be done with the exams but filled with a bittersweet feeling all the same. This had been the last hurdle, the last part she had to do before getting her degree. Her time at Hogwarts was nearing its end and it almost broke her heart to imagine how she would never stay at this school again. The Gryffindor dorms, the classrooms, all of those would become an image of the past, a wonderful memory of turbulent times she would cherish into old age.
Here, in these walls, she had gained her first and most important friends, people she respected, knowledge of all kinds, important experience and, most of all, love.
The reminder of this feeling had her restless and drove her to seek out the woman who owned her heart.
Foregoing the Marauder's Map, Hermione chose to travel through the school on her own and commit to memory all those places she would not see anymore. The Owlery was empty, but the brunette stayed for a few reminiscent minutes before moving on. After an hour of aimless wandering, she saw a dark figure on the top of the bridge that had only been recently repaired from Rabastan's violent spell damage.
By the time the Gryffindor had reached the door to the bridge, the slight drizzle of rain had gotten harder. But Bellatrix didn't seem to care, neither seeking shelter nor warmth from a spell. She stood there with her hands resting on the balustrade and her eyes sweeping over the school grounds, unmoving and getting drenched with every minute that passed.
For a second she contemplated turning around. Care and attraction pulled her forward instead.
"Bella? Are you all right?" Hermione softly called over and joined the former Death Eater in the rain.
"Considering the opinion of the rest of the world, I was never 'all right'," the other witch spat, unmoving.
A foot behind the older woman, the brunette stopped and observed. The dark mass of curls was greedily drinking up the liquid falling from the heavens, giving the unruly hair a watery shine as it reflected the little light. Normally, when her hair was dry, it seemed to suck up brightness like a gaping black hole. Hermione did not try to fight the urge rising inside her and gently ran her fingers through a few strands falling over Bellatrix's shoulder.
The other woman twitched and made as if to throw a look over it as well, but never quite followed through with the motion. All that could be seen was a part of her profile, yet not the overwhelming predator gaze.
"I don't know," Hermione commented offhandedly, "to me you seem quite all right."
"That's because you're stupid," was the retort, but it lacked the usual bite. It had Bellatrix turn around though and the brunette took back her hand. Dark eyes settled on the taller woman, as if to appraise her. "You're thinking about taking Cissy up on her offer, aren't you?"
"Not without your consent."
"Well, then the question is moot, because you won't get it."
Hermione lowered her gaze, watching the stones of the bridge darken further with the rain. By now, no spot was left dry and even on her own scalp she could feel the moisture gathering. The cool, fresh air somehow made the disappointment all the more bearable, as if it all was part of nature. As if the whole world didn't break apart whenever Bellatrix rejected her.
"I... guessed so. Which is why I didn't answer McGonagall yet. I probably will tell her about moving back to my parents when I have my test results ready."
When she raised her head again, Bellatrix had reclined back against the balustrade and was watching her almost with a spark of disappointment. "So that's it? I say No and you just give up like that? I remember you once had more bite than that. Only a few days ago, if my memory works fine." It was so much of a statement that it lacked proper insult.
Smiling weakly, the brunette shrugged her shoulders. "I've done all I can. I can't force you to anything and I won't. I mean, what do you want me to do? Should I throw myself down on the ground and scream and rage about how unfair the world is?"
"It would at least be entertaining."
"Maybe." Hermione pushed her hands into the pockets of her jeans, moving to the side to take a look at the gray horizon herself. Even with the rain dripping down, the whole weather had a sense of calm and quiet to it.
"You know," she began sadly, not even quite sure why she was saying it, "I always try to make myself believe 'We've come so far. There is such a huge difference to one year ago.' But then I force myself to open my eyes and I realize... nothing has changed. You're still the angry, self-relying woman you were back then and I... well, I'm still the Mudblood you hate. The lines have shifted a bit around, but in the end, we're both back to square one. No matter how much I want it to be different. Once we part, I'm the only one who will be hurt."
There was no answer for a while and the younger woman kept her gaze on the school grounds. She could imagine the indifference on Bellatrix's face anyway, so there was no need to prove herself correct and rip open the wound.
"You really believe that?" The answer was neutral.
Hermione sighed, tilting back her head. "I'm always telling myself 'It's not true. It's not true', hoping beyond hope, arguing with myself. But I'm merely fooling myself. I'm graduating and in three months we won't see each other again. I need to start to let go, no matter how much I don't want to. It will be hard, but-..."
"So you're leaving as well. Figures."
Turning around to Bellatrix, she found the older woman with a cruel, hard ghost of a smirk around her mouth, the line speaking of bitterness and hollow victory. Her words dripped with revulsion and sarcasm. "Because in the end, you're just like everyone else, spewing words of love and trust and then turning your back the second it's convenient. I told you it would never work, because you don't have the guts to-..."
"Oh no, Bella," Hermione interrupted calmly. "You don't get to place the blame on me. I'm here, right here, and I always was. I always will be. You're the one who's turning her back, pushing me away, forcing me a step back whenever I get too close for comfort. I tried to push back, to finally get through that crack in your armor, but you won't let me and I'm done pushing. No matter how much I want to keep running after you with all I can, I have a life to consider, a future. What you don't realise is that the same holds for you, because you're only one step from turning it around."
Bellatrix had stopped smiling, her twisted expression clouded over and filled with conflict. A moment later, all of it was gone, leaving behind blank emptiness.
"You're doing it again," the brunette went on with a sense of defeat, wondering if they were still talking about their relationship or the other woman's personality, her past, their future or everything wrapped together. Somehow, it all seemed the same by now. "Shutting me out, leaving me behind in the rain. There's nothing more I can do for you and this is why I have to find closure, one way or the other. No matter how much I love you, and I do, if I don't stop now to consider myself, this will eat me up and hollow me out until nothing of me remains. I... sincerely hope you will find happiness, Bella... I really do. So take of yourself, for me."
And so Hermione ignored all the pain in her heart that screamed at her not to move away and leave Bellatrix behind, turning on her heel to move on with her life. Yet before she had taken two steps, the voice that could be so deep and velvety, if it didn't try to sound like a child, had her halt again.
"You don't trust me anymore, do you?"
Not again. Just walk away, just do it. "Of course I do," Hermione sighed out, cursing herself for giving in to her fragile emotions and not listening to her mind. "Trust you. Within reason."
"Prove it then," Bellatrix shot out and did the brunette imagine it or was there a hint of desperation in there? "If you walk away, you can't prove it."
"And how am I supposed to do that then?" The Gryffindor whirled around slightly angered, spreading her arms in a helpless gesture. "What else do you want? I'm still a Mudblood for you and I can't change what I am."
"Well, then I can't change what I am as well," the dark witch snapped back immediately.
"Bella, you wrote it on my arm," Hermione nearly shouted, rolling up her sleeve with a quick movement and showing the scars of the letters. "It's there for everyone to see, like you always wanted. Mudblood. I tried to change your view on this and I failed, like I failed to change everything else."
It was not easy to define any of the emotions flickering over the older woman's features, but then she bowed down and reached beneath her skirt to produce something the Gryffindor never wanted to see again despite all the bravery she believed herself to have.
It was a small, sharp dagger.
"What are you trying to do with that? Bella! If you hurt me with that, I swear-..."
"You said," the other woman began, and the haunted tone of her words had the young woman frozen to the spot, "you can take it all, everything I throw at you. You say you trust me. And here you are, inching away and looking at this with so much horror you're basically sweating fear. Trembling like a little deer in front of the big bad wolf." Bellatrix had crossed the distance between them easily, grabbing the wrist of her scarred arm and pushing the younger witch bodily against the side of the bridge. Hermione couldn't do anything else but stare at her with wide, open eyes, caught between the need of self-preservation and to prove what she had claimed correct.
"So, Granger... are you a liar?" The husked, provocative words cut right down into her very soul, sharper than any physical weapon.
Hermione took a shuddering breath, pressing her eyes closed. It was all for naught. She couldn't run away from the eldest Black, no matter how much space she put between her and the other woman. "No. What I said was true. Every word of it."
It was painful.
Other than the last time though, the brunette didn't cry out from the damage done to her nerves and skin, but a shaky whimper sneaked past her lips at the fire Bellatrix created on her arm. The cold of the rain eased the sting of the cutting, but the younger woman never tried to take back her arm, yielding to whatever the pure-blood was doing to her.
The Mudblood was so degrading and hurtful the first time. What will it be this time? What's worse than my last scar?
But the torture was over far sooner than she had guessed, but even then she couldn't help the tear or two, which squeezed past her shut eyelids. Breathing heavily, there was the odd sound of metal hitting stone and a moment later a cold hand cradled her head beside her ear and brought it to its other side.
"There. Change." Something lingered in the air, as if Bellatrix wanted to say more, but couldn't. Her voice sounded odd, astoundingly calm and tired, as if Hermione's proof of not moving away, of reliving the dreaded memory without faltering, had not been what the older woman had expected. As if the realization of the younger woman's feelings had finally taken hold for the first time.
Daring to take a confused glimpse at the damage, her bleary gaze searched out the arm that was still held in the grasp of long, pale fingers. It took her a moment to understand what had happened. Then realization followed and Hermione let out a trembling gasp.
Bellatrix had cut open some of the lines of her scars, adding new ones and changing the old in that way. The u had another, long line now, making the old letter nearly unreadable, while the d had been turned into what fairly resembled an hourglass. What had once been a devaluating slur now read...
My blood
Gone was the insult. Gone the classification of her heritage. Stuttering out a few vocals, the young woman could hardly believe what she was seeing, eyes glued to fresh blood and rain mixing on her changed skin. "This-...you-...why..."
"I've changed," was the almost defensive reply, delivered with a slight, prideful pout. "And it's obvious you did, too. You say everything is the way it was one year ago? Well, that's rubbish. I told you you're stupid, no matter how smart everyone believes you are."
Although her arm was throbbing from the fresh wound, it was no comparison to what was going on inside Hermione's chest. A whole crescendo of longing emotions was bursting forth from her veins, setting her insides on fire and catapulting her body forward, until she was pressed wholly against the other woman's smaller frame. Her uninjured arm thrown across Bellatrix's shoulders, she pushed her face against the porcelain skin of the older woman's neck and inhaled deeply, trying not to burst into tears. They were already soaked through enough.
The pure-blood went a bit rigid, but didn't move away.
"You're driving me crazy, have I told you that lately?" the brunette mumbled against the older woman. Other than the rest of what Hermione had touched so far, Bellatrix's neck was warm and so much softer. Right below where she pressed her forehead, the Azkaban tattoo was etched into the skin, but Hermione didn't care. "I love you anyway. I can't help it." The surprising realization came to her that she had never hugged the dark witch ever before, at least not like this.
An unamused grunt was the only answer.
You care. Now I know you care, even if you will never say it out loud. Filled to the brim with the older woman's scent, Hermione left her safe haven and pressed a kiss to a sharp and beautiful jawbone, feeling the summer rain clinging to her lips. Emboldened by the tornado of feelings whirling inside of her, the young woman went higher, claiming the corner of an unresponsive mouth, then, as the pure-blood neither moved away nor showed any sign of contributing to the brunette's affections, kissed her fully.
It took several seconds, but then Bellatrix, in her usual charming, grudging way, slowly began to return the caress. For a few moments Hermione floated in an ocean of bliss, the warmth of the older woman's lips against hers driving away any last thoughts of their surroundings or the weather.
But aggressiveness and dominance rose quickly in the former Death Eater and the kissing became rougher, forcing the brunette to stop and turn her head away when even the pressure on her wrist became unpleasant. Instead, she hugged the older woman tighter against her and watched the forgotten rain ease up over a black clad shoulder.
Only weeks ago, the form of a dragon had chased away her nightmares at this very spot.
"Do you want me to stay away from Malfoy Manor and not take up your sister's offer?" Hermione asked anxiously, still acutely aware that Bellatrix never quite relaxed in her embrace.
"Do what you want."
"I'd like to hear it from you."
A pause. "...fine."
"Is that Parseltongue for 'You can stay'?" the brunette joked with a small grin.
"It's Common for 'I don't mind'." And with that, the dark witch weaseled out of the hug and stepped away, gathering up the forgotten knife on her way to the building. Hermione wondered if the rain had washed the blade clean of her blood. She wondered if the rain had washed Bellatrix clean as well.
Probably not. Yet, the young woman had a smile on her face anyway.
Dazed, the Gryffindor remembered belatedly that it might be time to find a bandage for her arm. And tell McGonagall that, yes, she was going to spend three months at Malfoy Manor.
There was always a time for new experiences.
GOOD GOD, it can't be! Is that progress we see here? Is it really true? Dun dun DUUUN.
Anyway, I'm back in... black! No, Germany, actually. Though I do wear loads of black. But that's beside the point. I'm kind of sad I couldn't stay longer, but I'm also really happy to be back. Because having your own bed, eight hours of uninterrupted sleep and a fridge is just heaven on earth. As is the cocoa I'm drinking right now.
The travel really helped me grow, I think. It put a few things in perspective and gave my self-esteem a boost that was desperately needed. So, I drink to myself, all my readers and all the fantasy that is yet unwritten! Cheers, mates! :)
(I met lots of Australians. They have awesome accents.)
