Chapter Twenty-Nine

I'm Sorry I Wasn't There When . . .

"I'm home," Iroha called as she entered the apartment, clunking her keys into the bowl that rested on a table beside the door. She paused, expecting a response, but none came. She glanced at her watch. School had been over for an hour now. Had Rin taken the kids to the café after school? That was probably the case, but, just to check, she added, "Is anyone home?" Again, no answer came, so she listened the rustle of her winter clothes as she tapped the toes of her boot on the welcome mat to rid herself of any remaining snow.

Iroha had meant to stay longer at work than she had, but she'd been forced to go out to meet a client a little while ago, and, as such, didn't feel the need to rush off to the office once more. She worked all the way downtown and lived on the outskirts of the town, so the drive there wasn't worthwhile at this point.

Once she'd replaced her scarf and gloves into their respective bins, Iroha made her way into the house, seeing bits and pieces of disorganized furniture that Rin had put back incorrectly. That must have been from Yuki looking for her pencil case that morning, and, knowing Rin, the woman had just shoved things back onto shelves without much care for how it looked. Iroha smiled a little and shook her head in amusement. She decided to make supper as she waited and headed to the kitchen. However, when she opened the fridge, she saw four plates covered in cellophane. Iroha smiled wider. Rin had made supper, then, during her day off. She was such a sweet girl. Iroha just hoped that it hadn't been another experimental cooking moment. Rin had never been good at cooking, so it took her a few times to get it right, and her food was average at best. Still, it was the thought that counted.

Iroha closed the fridge door once more, and, having nothing else to do, she headed to the living room and turned the television onto some random drama. Iroha didn't watch television consistently, much preferring a good book, but her client today had left her too brain-numb to concentrate on much of anything.

She hadn't gotten more than five minutes into the show when the door sounded, opening and closing to Yuki, Piko, and Rin. Iroha barely noticed until Yuki feebly called, "Mama, help."

Iroha felt every fibre of her body stand up straight at those words, and she jerked up to look toward the three who'd just entered. When she saw Rin's horror-struck eyes, her heart began to race. Before she even acknowledged that she'd moved, she was at Rin's side, taking the woman's hand in her own and wondering softly, "Rin, what happened? Talk to me."

Rin wouldn't even look at her, though. Her eyes were glued to the ground as though meeting anyone's eyes would shatter her into a billion pieces. Iroha recognized that expression immediately and emitted a small gasp before she could stop herself. Then, she told the kids, "There's food in the fridge. Could you reheat it for everyone? I'm going to put Rin to bed."

"Okay," Yuki murmured, hesitantly moving from her mother's side. Piko followed his friend, reluctance evident as he glanced back at Iroha and Rin. Iroha stared into Rin's eyes as the woman stared elsewhere. She knew that look so well, but she hadn't seen it for years. The last time she'd been Rin is this state, this badly, had been high school.

"Rin, what do you want to do?" Iroha murmured, trying to keep her voice calm despite the panic that was steadily rising. "You could go stay with Kiyoteru if you want, Rin, and I'll take care of the kids." She stared into Rin's eyes, though the other woman wouldn't look at her, and said, "It's okay to be selfish right now, Rin, okay? Your priority has to be yourself. You have to do whatever will make you safe."

Slowly, Rin moved her head to one side, then to the next. Iroha heard Rin swallow before croaking, "It's useless, Iroha. She'll find me wherever I go." She gripped onto Iroha's sleeve, grasping to her friend for dear life. "She'll never leave me alone." Rin squeezed her eyes shut and whispered hoarsely, "I want her to die, Iroha. It won't be over until one of us dies, and I want it to be her." The woman's body was shaking viciously, and Iroha could feel Yuki's gaze from elsewhere, watching in worry. Rin's voice quavered unsteadily as she told Iroha, "Len shouldn't have died. It should have been her. She should be dead."

Iroha didn't know what to do. It was hopeless, wasn't it? How was she supposed to help her friend? How had Gumi found Rin, in the first place? Gumi shouldn't have been able to get that close to Rin, no matter what. She should've been far, far away.

Iroha's faith was shattering, and she only knew one way to help Rin. She hated it, but it was the only thing to salvage Rin's soul. She hesitated a moment after she turned her gaze toward Yuki, who peered out from the kitchen, and then quietly requested, "Yuki, could you bring me the sake from the fridge?" Yuki froze stiff, though, and then shook her head. Iroha forced more strength into her voice and ordered, "Yuki, bring it to me." Yuki looked to Rin, torn. Iroha understood her wavering; was it really worthwhile to allow Rin's dependence to arise once more? What other choice did they have, though? Iroha couldn't stand seeing Rin in this much pain. Yuki quietly shuffled into the kitchen. Iroha heard whispers between Piko and Yuki as the sound of the fridge opening met her ears, but it was all indistinct. Then, Yuki brought the bottle over and carefully offered it to Iroha. "Thank you, Yuki."

Yuki looked to Rin and quietly wondered, "Mom?"

Rin just squeezed her eyes tighter shut, though. Yuki flinched, her eyes showing a trace of guilt, as though she herself had done something wrong. Slowly, she made her way back to the kitchen. Once the child had gone, Iroha tugged the top off the bottle of sake and offered it to Rin with the soft words of, "Here, Rin, just drink it. You have to get her off your mind or you'll lose your senses again."

Rin's response was loud, vicious, and immediate. Her voice was nearly a growl as she screeched, "No!" Her hand swiped out toward the bottle, catching Iroha off guard. The coral-haired woman didn't have enough time to stop the bottle from slamming onto the ground, fissures crawling along those few shards of the bottle that hadn't flown across the room as the contents of the bottle exploded from the bedraggled mess and crept slowly across the floor.

"Rin," Iroha murmured, looking away from the bottle and back to her friend. She didn't know what else to do, what else to say. Rin was shaking, her entire body painfully tense as she held her arms tightly around her chest. She looked so rigid that she almost seemed brittle, as though one wrong move would break her into pieces. It probably would, in figurative senses.

"I can't." Her voice came out as a soft whimper as she kept those blue eyes firmly shut. She was shaking her head, and Iroha's attention was lost for a moment as she spotted Yuki and Piko peeking in from the kitchen. Their worry was painfully palpable. Iroha could already feel the pressure building in her, because she knew that things would go back to as they were before. Iroha had to protect them, didn't she? That was her reason for living here: to protect them, in Len's stead. She herself had had an easy enough life, hadn't she? What right did she have to complain? Still, even if it was selfish, she didn't want to do that. She wanted to be with Rin, the real Rin, not this dominated version of her.

Rin's next words turned Iroha's head toward her, making Iroha blink slowly as she registered what her friend was saying. "I can't. I can't drink that. I have to protect my family. I didn't protect Len, but I can protect you, Iroha. I can protect Yuki. I can protect Piko, too." Rin's grip on herself tightened further, and she insisted, "I can protect you from her, I promise."

. . .

Despite her brave words, Rin had stayed home for three days straight, rarely leaving hers and Iroha's room. After walking Yuki and Piko to school in the morning, Iroha would return home and do whatever of her work she could do at home, calling in sick for that which required her to be in her office. Yuki and Piko had requested to stay home with Rin, and, despite Iroha's desire to keep them safely away from Gumi, Iroha knew that it would be harder for Rin with the kids at home, so she'd denied their request.

As Iroha was making Yuki's bed, her ears were perked as she awaited the sound of the telephone. She had called Kiyoteru earlier that day, but he'd already left for work. She was hoping that his presence would bring Rin some comfort. After all, Kiyoteru had been the first adult Rin had seen after . . . .

Iroha squeezed her eyes shut, pausing in her work. She felt so helpless, then and now. She wanted to protect Rin, but she had no idea how. It was even worse knowing that it was the psychological torment in Rin's mind that Iroha had absolutely no access to that was tearing her friend apart. She felt so completely useless. She wondered what Len would do now to comfort Rin, but she couldn't remember how he'd comforted her before. Iroha's hands tightened around Yuki's blankets as her heart constricted, harsh pain stabbing her.

That's right, she told herself. I've always been useless. I could never take care of Rin the way he could. No matter what Aria or I did, we could never comfort her the way he could. She bit her bottom lip, discomforted by these thoughts. Then and now, Len's always been better. If he was here now, he'd know how to make it better. She could feel her fingernails digging sharply into the blankets, embedding the blanket into her palm as she lowered to her knees and hid her face in the blanket. She bit back tears. She couldn't cry anymore, could she? She wouldn't cry. She had to take care of Rin, and she couldn't do that if she let Rin see just how unsure she was about absolutely everything.

I'm sorry, Len, she thought to her best friend. I'm sorry that I can't protect her. I'm sorry.

Rin, I'm sorry.

Why am I so useless?

Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. Honestly, feel free to berate me, but this has been done for weeks, I was just too lazy to edit. Sorry bout that. Anywho, I'll also be posting a side story fluff kind of thing as a oneshot later today for Nekofan123's b-day. It revolves around Yuki and Rin playing too much in the snow and Yuki getting a cold. Check it out if you like. It'll be called Sick Days. Anyway, review if you have the chance, sorry for the delay! I'm busy being a bridesmaid for the next few days so the next update will be in a few days. Oh, and I started school this week (last semester ever, yes!) so please show me mercy. Thanks for reading!

And hey, at least I don't pull a Nat Tran and vanish for months on end with no way for you to contact me. I'll always reply to PMs.