TO LOOSE SIGHT OF ALL IN FRONT OF YOU
Xena ignored the feeling of grass under her boots as she walked up the hill which over looked Gabrielle's family home. She couldn't sleep and she'd been up all night and now she just wanted to be alone to get her thoughts together. Lila was up and was now taking care of Gabrielle just until she got back, she sat her self down on the hill side looking at the sun which was just slowly coming up. She pulled her sword free from its scabbard she forced it point first in to the ground hard. She rested her head on the hilt closing her eyes as the intense pain she'd been holding back hit her all at once causing tears to trickle down her face. Gods this was so screwed up! She'd had not felt this helpless in a very long time.
She felt her fingers grip the weapon tighter she didn't even know where to begin, to find out that this child was hers was shocking enough. She already felt foolish for not connecting everything. Aphrodite was right Gabrielle was afraid there was no denying that, but it didn't make this any easier for her to take in. She didn't blame the younger woman for feeling that way, but a part of her wished that she'd told her about the child. Truth was Gabrielle had no doubt denied the possibility at first out of fear. Her lover had come so far in Mexica but she knew Gabrielle wasn't quite herself even now she was still struggling with her emotions.
She breathed in painfully she had wanted a family for some time now the thought had crossed her mind over and over again since Mexica. She liked the idea of a young boy or girl who they could bring up together. She had even thought about the adoption route, the only thing stopping her was that she was so unsure if Gabrielle was ready. The words Gabrielle had spoken to Itzli in Mexica before her death kept playing over and over again in mind. That she wasn't a good mother and that she'd come to realize that some things were beyond her no matter how much she wanted them. They were painfully words, words that said that Gabrielle had given up on even the notion of being a parent again.
Unlike her she'd never had the second child to show her that she was wrong and that she was good mother. She had been able to come to terms with Solan's death and her mistakes because she'd had Eve and had been able to play the role as mother for a time. She looked up slowly Eve was gone and she wouldn't lie that had hurt her at first but she'd never admitted it openly. The problem was that despite the pain she'd began to see the bigger picture of the time change which was that they could do everything all over again. They could right all their wrongs, be parents again and be there thought out a child's life. What person could ever say that they'd been so lucky as to be able to right their mistakes and relive things differently and for the better?
She wouldn't lie she would miss Eve and Solan for the rest of her life but knowing that she had this chance now meant so much to her. She'd already been able to get Herodotus to accept her and she'd finally become a part of Gabrielle's family. She could only see herself going upwards from here on in. She eased up her hand wiping away her tears as a thought crossed through her mind and a sense of strength took over. What in Tartarus did she care if this had happened? Granted it was a mistake on the Aztec god's part but it had created an unplanned miracle. That child was hers, part of her had created it and she wanted nothing more than to bring it in to this world.
Gabrielle deserved this child she deserved it more than she realized and she needed to be told that. She needed to be told, that she was right for this child and that they deserved to have a family together. She wouldn't lie pat of her was terrified by this whole thing and she was sure that Gabrielle was just as terrified, pregnancy wasn't short it was long ordeal and could be a brumby road for both people involved. They could make this work though she knew they could they just needed to work though it a day at a time. They both needed this more than they realized it was the thing that was missing in their lives and she couldn't think of anything that would bring them closer than having this child who they could both share and love together as a family.
8
Darkness a lonesome darkness, ever expanding in to a dark abyss with no beginning and no end while all around you an echoing silence. Gabrielle watched as the darkness faded but only to a point which lit up her body. She was sitting on the bed which was the only thing in detail in the room which had only a little light. Her feet were touching the floor and she was wearing her peplos robes the ones her lover had brought for her. She looked at them for a long moment only to stop as she caught sight of her heavy swollen stomach showing that her pregnancy was now full term. She swallowed feeling her heart start to race painfully.
She moved her hand over the smooth curve feeling the painful tears as they began to run down her face. She wrapped her arms around her chest feeling the coldness and fear take over. She was freezing her body felt as cold as ice, she slowly breathed out watching as her breath moved through the air. She couldn't see anything around her not a window not a door just darkness and she felt afraid and alone. She was about to move when the pain stuck her hard spiking through her stomach like a knife causing her lean forward as she tried to take it. She felt blood run down her chin as she coughed painfully.
The blood didn't stop it kept flowing down from her mouth as she coughed harder causing it to spatter all over the knees of her dress. She couldn't stop coughing the agony in her stomach made it worse. Blood just kept falling coating her robe turning it from white to red. The pain in her stomach suddenly got worse. She found her hand moving to the spot only to feel the movement of the child inside her as it began to shift violently. She looked down watching as blood began to flow out from under her hand she eased her hand away staring at it, only to cry out as long claws suddenly burst through her flesh causing blood to spill as she carried on screaming. The next moments turned to pure agony as a thick long beak bust through followed by a thick demon like head with two sets of upward pointing horns.
The red demons huge arms which were almost as long as her legs burst through her flesh sending blood spattering across her feet as the long three handed fingers twitched with their long black claws. Its snake like body turned violently the part which was inside her shifting and coiling causing her intense pain. The long neck turned so its head was looking at her, its purple eyes narrowed with their red and yellow cat like pupils catching the light. The huge clawed hands shot up in a violent motion slamming in to both sides of her head digging in deeply causing blood to instantly flow. Its mouth opened showing off its razor sharp teeth as a huge tongue came out wrapping around her exposed throat tightening slowly. She felt the panic take over as she tried to breathe, gods she couldn't breathe and she was in to much pain to move her arms all she could do was scream in to the darkness.
Gabrielle felt her eyes snap open as she shot up in bed feeling the sweat as it ran down her face, she closed her eyes due to the piecing white light before half opening them again as he eyes adjusted slowly to the light of the room. She breathed in deeply feeling her heart thumb against her rib cage it was pounding so hard that she could feel the sensation in her ears. She looked around sharply realizing where she was she was in hers and Xena's room again but her lover wasn't present and the room was empty. She put a hand on her face groaning painfully her body ached and she could feel a painful headache starting up. She lowered her gaze realizing that she was naked as she looked at the cover which had fallen from her chest when she'd bolted upright in bed.
She pulled the cover put over her chest in a sharp motion before moving her other hand down seeing that her stomach was normal once more. She felt her eyes dart in panic she had to end this now she couldn't go through another birth like Hopes. She eased her self up so she was side ways on the bed ignoring the cover as it dropped down and her breathing became sharper. She could see her normal clothes in a pile close by along with her torn bloody robes which were hanging up close by. She ignored the pain as she struggled getting on to her feet ignoring the light headedness and her own heart beat as she shifting her feet slowly moving slowly towards her normal clothing.
She grabbed her clothing ignoring all her pain as she started to put it on piece by piece. It felt like she was still in a dream a bad dream which she wanted to be wake up from. She eased her belt on as then adjusted her skirt before pulled her halter top closed, ignoring the shaking of her own hands as she tied the thread then forced her feet in to her boots. No one was around and the sun was glaring in through the open window, she breathed in leaning down easing the tansy herb out of her money pouch from where she'd hidden it. Since it was the one place her lover never went, she respected her money far too much and had always said that her money was hers to do with as she pleased.
Her gaze drifted as she staggered to the herb cupboard which was already slightly ajar. Xena would never accept this child as her own or as part of the family. She'd never play with it or want to be around it in any manner and it was only a matter of time before she told her that. After all that was no doubt the reason that the other woman wasn't present right now. Because she didn't want to be in her presence or that of a child which wasn't her own. She grabbed wooden mortar and pestle throwing the herbs in to it. She found her hand shaking as she started to grind it down as she put the other ingredients in one by one. She grabbing her goblet filled with water pouring it in to it creating a thick watery paste.
She grabbed a water skin opposite which had water in it pulling the cap of in a violent motion then carefully poured in the thick watery paste before putting the cap back on and shaking the skin harshly to mix the herbs with the water. She put the mortar down feeling her eyes dart as the sound of food steps hit her ears moving closer to her door. She turned grabbing one of her sai blades forcing it in to its holder before turning to watch as the handle to the door started to turn. She didn't think as she slammed her feet in to the ground as she ran towards the window whose wooden blinds had pulled back fully, so the air could get in to the room.
Her feet left the floor as she jumped through the open window she found herself wincing as her feet hit the ground on the other side and the pain came back again. She ignored it as she bolted in to a run she knew where she was going, she knew a very quite part of the forest where she could get this over with and rid her self of this unborn child for good. She found herself running faster towards the thick forest ignoring the pain in her body and the intense headache which felt like it was going to crack her skull apart. She could feel her feet hitting the ground hard as came to a stop at the forest's edge she breathed in looking around her seeing that no one was in sight as she headed towards the thick forest.
She didn't think about where she was going only that she needed to get to her destination which far away from her home town. There she could get this over with painfully and quietly. She felt her teeth grind together as she shivered involuntary before walking forward trying to ignore her painful emotions which were going crazy in side in my mind. She couldn't take this anymore she wanted it to be over she wasn't strong enough to handle rejection anymore from her lover. She used to be so strong at handling it, that part of her had once been so strong but it wasn't anymore. She hadn't been the same since her return from Mexica and even she knew that.
She had lost part of her strength in that place so much was still haunting her from it. Sleeping with the Aztec god still felt like it was clinging to the back of her mind refusing to let go. Maybe because it had produced this child which she knew her lover would reject because it wasn't her own. Just the thought of that was like nightmare and she wanted this nightmare to end now. She felt the tears start to run down her face she could do this, she seemed to excel when it came to killing her own child and trying to kill Xena's which she'd done went the furies had sent her mad in the previous lifetime. She couldn't escape the inevitable which was that this child would destroy all she held dear and now she had to accept that truth and painfully embrace it.
Xena breathed in deeply catching sight of Gabrielle in the distance she slowly stood up. Her lover was walking up the hill that led away from her house and she had something in her hand. She felt her eyes dart, how had her lover gotten out of the room? Lila was meant to be looking after her while she was outside! She shook her head this was her lover she was talking about if Gabrielle wanted to get out of anywhere she could, because she'd taught her how to leap out of windows and open locked doors. Where was she going though? She breathed as a dark feeling hit her twisting an ugly knot in her stomach she knew the feeling it was the feeling that Gabrielle was about to do something terrible.
She picked up her pace feeling the panic take over as she ran in to the forest she needed to catch up with her quickly. Gabrielle wouldn't stay in sight long and she knew that the younger woman could make herself invisible if she got deep enough in to the forest and she couldn't let her do that no matter what. Gabrielle carried on walking feeling herself become numb as she walked towards the open clearing which was just outside of town. It was a strange feeling to see it again. She'd spent her life walking from place to place and most forests she walked through had become distant memories but not this one with its twisted brambles and huge central tree.
In this spot a very long time ago Xena had rescued her from the slavers when she had been no more than a village girl searching for life beyond the Potidaea. She moved her shaking hand putting against the largest tree feeling the hard bark under her finger tips. Such a long time had passed and she was no longer that innocent village girl anymore. She lowered her head feeling the tears as they carried on running down her face she had no idea who she was now. She felt in between lives and in between worlds, she was a killer who'd killed so many people and yet now she could restrain that violent nature. On the other hand she was trying to return to the person she was before all her pain and it always felt as though it was out of her grasp.
She felt herself tense as she turned around leaning her back against the tree trying to take the pain. Truth was that she was lost she had been lost for a while now, no longer knowing which direction to take in her life and regretting that she had no financial stability. She slowly raised the water skin to her lips feeling herself hesitate. She wanted a family she'd wanted one for many years now but even she could accept the truth which was that some things were truly beyond her and always would be. She could not change that or make it so and no amount of wishing would make it so, there was no point in going through the motions or playing pretend, she eased the waters skin up to her lips again.
The next moments caused her wince in shock as out of the corner of her eye a red fireball sped towards her. It missed her as it hit the water skin blasting it apart sending water everywhere causing the medicine to splash in to the floor at her feet. She blinked in utter shock seeing the torn leather cap and tattered neck of the water skin which was still in her hand.
"I don't think Xena would approve of you doing that Gabrielle."
Gabrielle turned feeling the blinding rage start to burn as she caught sight of Ares, he was standing by the tree opposite her. His face was unreadable as he lowered his hand. She felt her teeth grind together as she turned to meet his gaze. "You bastard!" Ares put his hand on his sword hilt. "Call me what you want but I just saved you from making the biggest mistake of your life." Gabrielle let go of what was left of the water skin as her laughter hit the air but it was a cold laughter even to her own ears. "Oh and how do you figure that!?" Ares breathed in keeping still he knew he was playing a very dangerous game here. Gabrielle had never had any real patience for him and he knew that like Xena she could hurt him.
The difference was that unlike Xena she'd go out of her way to make him bleed because she hated him so much. He breathed in deeply. "The child you're carrying is not Huitzilopochtli's." Gabrielle sneered as she stepped closer. "Is this a new sick twisted game of yours? If so I'm not amused in any way, shape or form." Ares kept still narrowing his gaze. "Come on Gabrielle your smarter than this, you always have been. You know somewhere deep down inside that something about this isn't right, it's been playing on your mind for a while now but you have refused to address it." He stepped closer. "But now you're going to have to because I'm going to tell you the truth."
Gabrielle felt her teeth grind together. "You tell me the truth that's so pathetic, you don't know what truth is!" Ares eyed her for a long moment. "That child you're carrying is Xena's and she won't approve of you destroying it because you're not in the right frame of mind." Gabrielle looked at him for a long moment only to hear her hysterical laugher hit the air. "You're a laugh a minute." She eased up her hand. "You don't honestly expect me to believe you, do you? What you're saying is a lie and it's not even possible!" Ares felt his teeth grind together. "Wake up Gabrielle! Stop being the dumb blonde of the moment. The Aztec gods screwed with your soul, they didn't put you and Xena back together correctly and they have created a flaw which allows you to break the rules."
Gabrielle felt her eyes dart as a question went through her mind. "Why would you tell me this? You're not even meant to be here the deal with Artemis is still in motion, or have you forgotten that?!" Ares folded his arms as he carried on speaking as if she hadn't spoken. "The child is Xena's you can't destroy it! She wants to have a child with you and you're taking it away from her!" Gabrielle didn't think as she walked up to him not being able to control her rage as she slammed her fist upwards hearing his cry of pain as blood run down his nose causing him to stumble back. "What would you know about having a child taken away from you, you know nothing of what that feels like! You're a selfish bastard and I don't care for your moral view ether, you screwed my daughter Hope and made her pregnant!"
Ares winced in pain as he stepped back. "Yes I did and it was wrong and I'm sorry." Gabrielle felt her teeth grind together had he just apologised? "Oh so this is your new interesting tact, to apologise? As if any apology you could ever give me would mean anything! You ruined of my life!" Ares tried in ignore the pain in his nose as he spoke. "Yes I did ruin your life! That's why I'm here right now to fix that, because it was wrong!"
Gabrielle raised both eyebrows. "Oh you're here to fix it I'm so flattered now how's about you crawl back down the Tartarus of hole you came from and get out of sight before I really hurt you, in a way you really won't like!" Ares moved closer no longer caring about the danger he was in. "You know, you want this child deep down you know it matters to you, your just hiding from it and you know it!" He wiped the blood from his nose. "If you get rid of this child you'll regret it for the rest of your life, you'll also be getting rid of a child that is in essence Xena's and it'll be the worst thing you've ever done and you know it!" He breathed in deeply. "You may hate me Gabrielle but you know I'm right!"
"Ares!"
Gabrielle turned just in time to see her lover appear the older woman unsheathed her sword in a fluid motion as she ran in front of her thrusting the point in to Ares's neck. Xena snarled as she eyed the god of war forcing the point in deeper. "You aren't meant to be near us you bastard, or have you forgotten the rules?" Ares looked down realizing now that he really was in trouble he knew Xena didn't have the leniency she used to anymore. He raised his hand watching as the fallen water skins neck came in to his hand. "I was stopping your girlfriend from doing something very stupid! She was about to drink a tansy based poison. Her minds not clear enough to tell that she put the wrong amount in, it would have killed both herself and your unborn child!"
Xena grabbed the skin she brought it to her nose instantly smelling the poison she dropped the tattered water skin neck forcing her sword point in deeper. "How did you know that it's my child, Aphrodite only just told me about that last night?" Ares eyed her for a long moment. "I have my methods." He ignored the pain as he looked up. "The Aztec gods screwed up but clearly for the better in your case. Because despite everything your unborn child is doing very well in side her body, it obviously has your resistance."
Xena sneered pulling her sword end away. "Get out of my sight now, before cut you open." Ares breathed in deeply he knew she meant that and despite what he'd just done it didn't make a difference. It was just nice to see her again even if just for a moment. He wiped the remaining blood away from his nose feeling the intense pain in his chest knowing that he had to leave now. "As you wish." Xena watched as he disappeared in flash of red flames, she took in a deep breath sliding her sword carefully in to its scabbard as she turned to her lover whose eyes darted in confusion and uncertainty. She put a hand through her hair in frustration as she gathered her thoughts together before taking a deep breath.
She turned raising her hands watching as the fear appeared in Gabrielle's eyes. "You were going to drink tansy?" Gabrielle swallowed looking down suddenly feeling confused and out of step with the world around her. "Yes." Her own voice sounded small even to her. Xena breathed in painfully she knew she had to stay focused and calm right now. Her lover was in a very unhinged state of mind, worse it almost seemed like she had just had a panic attack which was the reason she'd just tried to do this. She had promised her compassion and understanding and she would prove it to her here and now. She spoke keeping her voice low and very gently. "You over did the dose."
She sighed trying to keep her frustration at bay. "You could have killed yourself Gabrielle this could have caused you to have violent spasms and convulsions as well as damaged your stomach." Gabrielle lowered her gaze speaking in an emotionless voice. "I know." Xena stepped closer. "You should have told me about the child. You shouldn't have kept it from me, I could have given you the wrong medicines, I could have killed our child." Gabrielle felt her teeth grind together as her anger started to resurface. "As if you care for my child you never cared for my last child, you were happier to try and kill her while I was sleeping! As for your daughter you pushed me out of her up bringing and punished me all because of what happened with Solan!"
Xena felt the pain of her lovers words hit her chest she knew this was coming and yet it didn't make it any easier. "Yes I did that and it was wrong of me." Gabrielle sneered not being able to keep the venom out of her next words. "I gave you everything, I did everything you asked I even killed my own daughter by poisoning her and all you could say to me when you were pregnant with Eve was that the child growing in side you was good." She felt the tears as they started to stream down her face. "It was like you were saying I couldn't give birth to any child who could be good." She snarled aloud raising her hand. "Yet in the end your daughter wasn't that good was she? She nailed people to crosses and set fire to whole towns and sold people in to slavery!"
Xena breathed in meeting her gaze hearing the painfully truth in her lovers words. "We should have both been there to bring her up." Gabrielle side stepped. "There has never been any we when it comes to children, its ether you or me." Xena looked up slightly gods those words hurt so much and it hard not to cry when they were coming from the woman she loved. Gabrielle could feel the frustration and anger mounting. "I mean I'm still waiting for you to curse me for taking Eve away from you when I changed time, I mean that would be what I deserve wouldn't it? It would be so fitting since Lila's done nothing but torment me over not having Sarah anymore."
She looked at the ground. "That's always the card the gods deal me, it's like they just enjoy mocking me." Xena moved closer feeling a painful tear as it ran down her face. "Please I know things have never been good with children but I want to have this child with you." She breathed in painfully. "This is in part my child." Gabrielle narrowed her gaze. "Oh please you don't really believe that do you!?" Xena stepped closer. "Yes I do, Aphrodite told me and she wouldn't lie to me, she's never lied to you." Gabrielle clapped her hands together hard. "Oh how wonderful I'm so thrilled, another miracle child, well we both know how that story always ends, don't we?"
Xena looked up sharply catching the sarcasm in her lovers tone. "Stop it Gabrielle." Gabrielle sneered as she began to pace. "I came here to fix the problem, because I'm not willing to go through that all over again. I'm also betting your tone would be different if it was Huitzilopochtli's bastard child inside my body right now and not yours!" Xena put a hand on her face feeling the frustration hit home gods this was so hard and it taking everything she had to keep in control of her anger. She breathed in she didn't care what it took she could do this, she could prove herself right here, right now what ever it took. She looked up seeing that her lover had stopped pacing. "I don't care ether way if it's my child or Huitzilopochtli's child, I love it just the same."
She paused watching as the surprise filled her lover's eyes causing them to dart. "Your right Gabrielle I was angry with you about Eve, I was unhappy that she'd been taken from me when you changed time. I was furious at you but I never confronted you, you had too much on your mind you were still recovering from being an alcoholic and you needed time to get yourself together." She lowered her gaze feeling more tears fall. "The moment was never right, first the werewolf King Lycaon and then Mexica it's like you never had a break and you already had too much to deal with. It's just when we were in Mexica I saw what I did, I saw how you suffered and how far you were willing go to bring me back from the dead."
She shook her head. "Then I finally started to see the bigger picture, you risked it all because you saw that we could both have so much more. We could have our family's back, our friends and we could do it all over again and make it right. The loss was great but the gain was far greater, and that's why I've never confronted you over the issue. Because I saw what we could have, I won't lie, I miss Eve I always will but I know she can be reborn here." She paused stepping closer to the young woman whose eyes were now focused on the floor. "I heard what you said in Mexica Gabrielle to Itzli you told him that you believed that some things were beyond you and always would be. That's why you felt you couldn't have a family with me because you think I'd never want a family and I know you're terrified of history repeating itself."
She raised her hand. "The thing is I do want a family with you, I want a family with you more than anything. I'm tired of the road, I'm tired of the fact that we've never lived our lives for ourselves always others and we've never done the things we wanted. I want to settle down with you I want us to be happy together, I want this child more than you possibly imagine." She moved forward not being able to keep the desperation out of her voice as she took hold of the younger woman's arms very gently. "Please I'm begging you not to get rid of this child. This won't be like all those other times we can both raise this child together and do things right." She eased up her other hand very slowly running it through her lover's long blonde hair.
She took in another deep breath not being able to stop her tears now. "I know deep down you want this child, I've seen it in your eyes, even before Mexica I saw the way you watched children playing and I've seen your longing. I know deep down you don't want to be here and you didn't want to take that poison, you were just doing it because you were so scared that I'd reject you or push you away." Gabrielle breathed in she could feel her anger melting away and tiredness taking over she didn't feel like fighting any longer her lover hadn't raised her voice to her once, she'd been completely calm thought out. Her lover's words were also true she did want this child more than anything it was her past that was making her afraid of believing she could have it. She was so used to believing that other people got what they wanted and not her.
She hadn't believed deep down in her heart that the other woman had changed when it was so clear she had. Xena had remained true to her since Mexica and now she felt truly guilty for not being honest with her. She felt the tears as they started to run down her face again. "Your right I do want this child, I shouldn't be putting you through all this. I didn't believe that you had changed and that you'd want this child, I was wrong, I'm so sorry." Xena slowly eased her arms around her bringing her close feeling the relief move through her system gods it felt like her heart was about to explode out of her chest . "Its okay sweetheart I have a lot to answer for in my past." Gabrielle eased her arms around her feeling her tears run down her face. "I couldn't stand the thought of being alone again, I was alone for so long after you died in Japan in that other lifetime."
Xena tightened her hold. "I'd never leave you again Gabrielle no matter what happens and I believe this child is good and right for both of us." She felt the other woman shoulders shudder as she started to cry deeply. She took in a deep breath gods Gabrielle had come so close if she'd been more than a minute to late this could have been a different story one she couldn't bare to think about. She closed her eyes holding her lover tighter as she cried harder in to her shoulder. The younger woman needed to free herself of that inner pain she'd been carrying, it was the only way she'd be able to move forward. Once she was ready they could go back home and talk this over together and walk through it step by step.
End of part 29
Silvermoonlight
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