Thank you to everyone who read or reviewed the last chapter. Thank you for all your encouragement. I intended that question to be more rhetorical than anything else but I enjoyed your answers. Honestly, I started writing these stories as a type of occupational therapy to help with my disability and to get me comfortable with writing publicly. As I stated last time this chapter will have a different format so we can get through the month between this letter and the shore leave incident as quickly as possible.

To answer a question from chaosgenes, the X in Spock's e-mail address is an inside joke about the e-mail system where I work. I wanted the emails to look extremely professional so I modeled the e-mail addresses on the style they use where I work. However, if a person does not have a middle name they use an X. Because Spock's full name was never revealed in canon, I decided to use an X. Besides, I assume that the Starfleet e-mail system could not understand a very strange Vulcan name and therefore just went with the easiest thing to do. I seriously doubt there would be any other Spocks in Starfleet at that time. Although after saving earth from destruction, I am sure Spock would probably become a very popular baby name throughout the Federation.

Because this takes place in 2258, I reserve the right to make fun of or parody any piece of pop culture created before that time. If JJ can (ripoff) reinterpret Star Wars, I can do whatever I want. Although, I am sure he wasn't expecting anyone to see Jim as more of a Han character then Luke, with Spock as his princess. Anybody else pick up on that most likely unintentional (?) parallel?

Due to the recent enforcement of rules that have been ignored for the last 10 years, I am going to start posting a slightly different version of this story on this web site. If you want to read a slightly dirtier version go over to K/S archives. My username is the same.


Excerpts from the therapy journal of [inkblot obscuring name] Spock

October 5, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I am still not comfortable writing in this journal or expressing my emotions in general. The other activity where I wrote to an actual person even without the intent of that individual ever seeing what I wrote was much more tolerable. Maybe it was more acceptable because I had James example or my mother's example. Maybe it was because it was to Jim. Maybe it was because I knew that if James or my mother did something like that maybe it was not so strange to do the same. I thought that by starting every entry with dear therapy journal this exercise may be a little easier to do. I am uncertain if this will help.

I am still uncomfortable putting down everything related to my bond with James in writing. As a scientist, I understand it is necessary to document the process and yet the human part of me finds the thought of something so personal being reduced to a mere science experiment disconcerting. I originally tried to do this Journal in a highly empirical manner. Dr. Suarez has asked me to rewrite my initial entry, despite the fact that I argued it was important to also document all pertinent medical data regarding the bond. Especially in light of the insufficient data on Vulcan marriage bonds in general let alone those of an accidental nature.

The compromise is that we will chronicle the more scientific/medical aspects of the bonding experience with the aid of Dr. McCoy anonymously as with any other case study. This journal will be solely for the more personal aspects of my bond and my experiences in general. I am still not sure I can do this. The thought of chronicling things like my reaction to Jim's emotions and our most likely shared dreams fills me with dread. I am almost tempted to write this journal in old Vulcan so no one else except for possibly Nyota will be able to read it.

I will write more once I return from my date with James. We are supposed to watch season two of the Muppets. I am looking forward to this. Part of me would like to actually kiss him in the human fashion but I know I am not ready. We almost kissed again yesterday during breakfast in James' quarters but he pulled away abruptly much to my disappointment.


October 6, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I apologize for not writing as soon as I returned from my most recent date with James. Unfortunately there was an incident in engineering that needed my immediate attention. Mr. Scott's most recent attempt to create the perfect sandwich has resulted in several thousand credits of property damage to the Engineering Department. My only consolation is that this happened after my date with James ended. I have made a mental note to talk to Dr. Suarez about the lieutenant's obsession with food during our next session.

The date itself was above adequate and more than enjoyable. James created a grilled eggplant dish from scratch or as close to scratch as he could under the circumstances. It was most delicious. We then went to James' quarters to watch the second season of the Muppet show. James made several snide comments about some ridiculous repeating sketch about pigs in space. I do not know if I should find how 20th century humans envisioned future space travel as disturbing or amusing. James told me that "a certain Southern doctor that will remain nameless" said that Jim acted like the captain character. James found that offensive. I agreed because the captain character in the skit was highly shallow and incompetent. James is neither of these things despite common perception.

At some point, I told James about how much my mother loved the work of Jim Henson and that we spent a lot of time watching various Muppet related things when I was a child. James just grabbed my hand and held it for the remainder of the evening. I chose not to tell him that such a gesture is most likely the Vulcan equivalent to the human third-base. (Nyota explained what those bases were during our ill-fated courtship.) There were a few near human kisses but James pulled away every time before anything could happen.

Jim told me about doing the same thing with his brother when they were kids. According to James, this only happened when Frank was completely incapacitated due to his alcoholism or he was visiting one of his "special friends". Considering the way Jim said the word friend I believe that Frank was having an improper relationship with these women. James is still highly uncomfortable talking about his former stepfather in my presence. He also told me that he misses just sitting down and watching a movie with his brother. Actually, Jim missed doing all sorts of things with Sam. I told him that I feel the same way. I miss just doing little things with my mother like watching a movie together or calling her. If she was alive I would be telling her about my date with Jim, instead of writing in this journal. I could have gone to her for advice about Jim, now I only have my therapist and Nyota. Maybe if my mother was still alive I wouldn't be feeling so...I cannot even articulate it in words.

I miss my mother. I doubt my father would be interested in such events. I sometimes wonder if my father is interested in me at all. Our relationship is still strained at best. I am to meet with him in a few days time for dinner. I am still debating if I should tell him about the bond or not. Maybe I should wait until I have time to do more research on this. I will ask Dr. Suarez for the links to the journal articles she has been reviewing on Vulcan bonding at our session.

XXX

October 8, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

Today's meeting with Dr. Suarez was most productive. She agreed to see Mr. Scott in a professional capacity regarding his obsession with food. She was happy that my most recent date with James went well. She also laughed a lot when I told her about the hand holding and how James was completely unaware of the significance. She mentioned something about the need for better cultural sensitivity classes and giving Jim the copy of what she refers to as the 'how not to accidentally sexually harass a Vulcan" guide that she got when she went to study on the planet years ago.

She also gave me several journal articles to read. Because of the need to go through these articles I was unable to spend another movie night with James much to my personal displeasure. He understood but he seems quite disappointed. Actually, I could sense his disappointment and frustration. I have never encountered such intense emotions before without physical contact. When James was happy, these emotions were comforting, but it was overwhelming when James was feeling something much less pleasant. In light of this I have decided to focus my research on everything related to the exchange of emotions between bondmates. I hope to find something useful.


October 10, 2228

Dear Therapy Journal:

I now understand why Dr. Suarez wanted to document the bond between myself and James so fully. Previous research seems to be lacking.

After reading much of the literature available on mental bonding I realize that this is an area that has never truly been studied. After two days I have read every single article written in the last 300 years related to bonding and I have not found one mention of exchanging emotions telepathically or having an increased awareness of your partner's mental state. Everything is purely analytical. I have come no closer to understanding why I can feel James frustration when he is several kilometers away.

For example, yesterday when I was in a council meeting I could feel James become highly agitated. I found out after the fact his irritation was caused by an encounter with Stonn that was less than ideal. I do not know the details and no one who was there with the captain is willing to share. James would not tell me anything about this encounter except that he really does not like this particular Vulcan at all. There were several more expletives used but that was essentially the comment.

I am left wondering if this connection allows James to experience my emotions as well. I was highly frustrated this morning after my most recent encounter with Nyota. She has become increasingly upset about the need to hide her relationship with Dr. McCoy. She is mostly upset about the fact that because I have yet to tell James, she cannot share a hotel room with the doctor during shore leave. Her annoyance lessened when I offered to pay for a suite for her and the doctor, as well as a private room for Christine who agreed to function as cover at a different hotel from where most of the crew is staying.

Unfortunately, for her to agree to do this I had to have lunch with Nurse Chapel. Her advances did not stop until I told her that I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am attracted to men. I conveniently left out that I still find some women like Nyota aesthetically pleasing. For the purposes of ending her sexual advances I felt it was best to mislead her slightly. I could not tell her that I wish for her to stop coming on to me because I already have a bond mate. I am not ready to disclose that type of information to her.

Unlike a certain Vulcan that I had the misfortune of meeting, I believe that the type of bond I have with James requires sexual and emotional monogamy. I cannot prove this hypothesis because again the literature is lacking. As a scientist, I find this highly frustrating and counterproductive. Why did my forefathers not see the need to keep accurate documentation? Why are we so ashamed of our normal biological processes? I remember that most of the material I received from my parents about sex came from earth.

I also cannot find any information about whether it is normal to share dreams of a sexual nature. I am very concerned about this. It would be comforting to know that the sexual nature of the dreams is a side effect of the bond and not because of some subconscious part of my or James' psyche that craves things of such a carnal nature. Last night's dream involved a picnic lunch in one of the caves outside the new Vulcan settlement. After confessing our love for one another we engaged in various sexual activities.

Dr. Suarez said during our last session that I should focus on the fact that I have completely open communication with James in the dreams instead of the sexual nature of it. Apparently, it's perfectly normal for a human my age to have sexual fantasies when they have not engaged in sexual intercourse on a regular basis for some time. It is strange to be judged by human norms rather than Vulcan. Yet, a part of me is thankful for this.


October 13, 2228

Dear Therapy Journal:

Due to the lack of information about bonding, I chose to speak to my father truthfully about a marriage bond between me and James. Much to my personal shock, my father was not surprised about the unintentional bonding. It seems that what Dr. Weston said about when the last time the spontaneous bond occurred was not accurate. (Although after reading the research on Vulcan marriage bonds, this does not surprise me.) According to my father, my parents somehow managed to form a bond without the need of a healer during certain activities that I wish to never discuss again. No child wishes to know the details of their parent's sex life, even if it is for the greater good of science. Maybe the statistic Dr. Westin gave me referred to accidental marriage bonds that occurred without a sexual component.

As much as it embarrassed me to ask, my father did feel my mother's emotions occasionally, but he was not able to identify many of them. I also asked about the dreams, but for my sake my father politely refused to answer. I choose not to examine this more deeply.

My father is not completely displeased with my choice of partner. He is not even that surprised that we are already bonded. I still wonder if my counterpart has already spoken to him about such matters. I am sure that he has.


October 14, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

As the time for shore leave approaches I have decided it would be best if James and I share a room together. It will be harder for me to not tell him about the true status of my relationship with Nyota and my feelings for him if we are forced to spend time together in a confined space. At least this is what Nyota has told me.

I do not necessarily agree with her. James and I have spent much time together in a confined space and I have come no closer to him realizing that I am sexually attracted to him. I allowed him to remove chocolate cake batter from my fingers with his mouth yesterday. Despite my most likely visible reaction to such actions, James was not aware of the significance of me allowing such an overtly sexual gesture even in the privacy of the ship kitchen. It was almost the Vulcan equivalent to oral sex. (Due to the fact I must disclose everything of importance in this diary, I will confess that I had a dream that night where the entire scene becomes much more sexual in nature, resulting in me doing things to Jim that should not occur in a space where food is prepared.)

During dinner, we did not talk about our feelings for one another. I wonder which one of us was more afraid. At least I was socialized not to talk about my feelings.

James did tell me about the events of his 16th birthday that led to Winona checking herself into a long-term treatment facility. I was happy that she received treatment for her substance abuse problem. I felt bad that James blames himself so much for what happened. Maybe it would have been better for all parties involved if Winona at least told her oldest living son about what really happened to her on Tarsus. I honestly believe that her actions stunted her recovery process.

I wonder if my refusal to talk about what happened to my mother is hampering my recovery process? I will speak to James as soon as I can about this.


October 15, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I had another lunch date with James today. Instead of eating on planet or in the Enterprise cafeteria, we chose to eat in Jim's private quarters under the guise of talking about work. No work-related conversations took place unless you count Jim describing how he survived a meeting with my father and Stonn without resorting to physical violence. Stonn made several disgusting remarks regarding my ancestry during the course of the discussion. According to James, my father did not do much better. Jim said he looked ready to attack when he made multiple inappropriate comments about interspecies marriage. I personally would have loved to see my father defend the right to marry anyone you want no matter what species that individual may be. It was unfortunate that I heard this secondhand as I would have liked to see my father take a stand on such things. His actions made me very proud to be his son.

From there the conversation centered around how I was treated as a child on Vulcan, how my mother was treated by other Vulcans, and how I am still treated by some of my peers. Although this is a private diary, I do not feel it is in my best interest to repeat what James said verbatim due to the creative amount of profanity use. The entire time James referred to him as that "idiot bastard" and that was one of the nicer things he said. I enjoyed this immensely. James was quite angry when he heard about how I was treated as an outcast. He then proceeded to share stories about going through the same thing before he went to private school. I was unaware that children on earth could be so cruel to those that have lost parents or were highly intelligent. Maybe it should not surprise me considering the angry glares I received at the academy every time I excelled on an exam. A few classmates were angry at me for supposedly wrecking "the curve". It was not until I was an instructor at the academy that I understood why they were so upset. Although, if they took the time to read the Academy bylaws they would know that grading on a "curve" was strictly prohibited.

Finally, the conversation turned to what happened when my mother died. I am not sure how we got to this subject of conversation but it happened and I kept my promise to myself to talk to James about how I really felt. Like everyone else, he told me once again that it was not my fault. I choose not to believe anyone else when they say this, but I know that James would not tell me empty words. I trust him more than anybody else in the universe.

XX

October 18, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I am very displeased that my planned lunch with James today will be canceled due to a forced meeting with the one individual I find most displeasing. We were going to have a picnic lunch that Jim personally prepared the night before. I was looking forward to spending time with him. However, I know that I must put the mission first and that means meeting with certain Vulcans I find distasteful. James did not take me canceling lunch very well. Yet he knows that the success of the mission is paramount. Part of the reason why I like James so much is that he understands how important Starfleet is to me, because Starfleet is also important to him.

I already know that I would have had trouble with any potential Vulcan bondmate because they would not understand my life mission. Starfleet is a very integral part of my life and James knows this. Things are a lot easier because of this. I do not want to contemplate how difficult it would be to cancel a date with a non-Starfleet significant other. I always remember my mom becoming angry every time my father had to cancel something due to work-related concerns. She may have loved him very much, but there were parts of his job that she just did not understand


October 20, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

I am writing in this journal because I am currently unable to articulate what happened verbally. This has been recommended by both Dr. McCoy and Dr. Suarez. As I surmised, my meeting with the Vulcan that I despise was not pleasant. However, I did not think that he would render me unconscious and take me to an isolated location for purposes unknown. He is currently using the Pon Farr defense for his gross actions against me.

Stonn was still bitter about many things, including me being the official bondmate of his lover and my supposed disregard of Vulcan culture. At some point there was a rant about me being a member of Starfleet instead of taking a direct role in the rebuilding of the Vulcan community. He repeated this sentiment multiple times. He apparently ignored the fact that I could do more from my position in Starfleet than from the colony itself. Although, the thing he was most angry about is the fact I already had a new bondmate when his bond mate was gone.

I was not aware that by telling my father that James was my bondmate he would have no choice but to register it with the Vulcan authorities. At some point, Stonn came across these records by some unknown means. I am not sure what his purpose was in taking me to the isolated wilderness. I am only concerned with the fact that I survived.

On a positive note, the bond allowed James to know that something was not quite right, and a search was started promptly. Unfortunately, because I was the missing person, Dr. McCoy determined that he was emotionally compromised and relieved him of his duty by rendering him unconscious with a sedative. I was found approximately 12 hours later after I successfully managed to get out of my bonds and render my captor unconscious. Because his actions were supposedly triggered by early onset pon farr the exact details of what happened are currently sealed with only the medical staff knowing exactly what happened. James only knows that during a surveying expedition both Stonn and I were somehow knocked unconscious. Even after our public reunion where James actually hugged me, I decided not to disclose more than necessary. Technically, due to his reaction, in accordance with Starfleet regulation 567.42b, Jim is not entitled to know the details of what happened. The version he was given was still enough for James to follow me everywhere for the last 24 hours. I have spent every free moment since being rescued with my captain. Although, I enjoy spending time with James, this over-protectiveness is starting to become unbearable. Actually, all the attention has become unbearable. Even my father became highly worried about me. I do not want to write about this any longer. I prefer to just meditate on what occurred rather than continue to rehash the events in this journal.


October 23, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

We will be leaving the colony in 2.3 days and despite some of the more unpleasant aspects of my time on the colony, I will find that I will miss it. I am glad that my father and I have come to some sort of understanding. I am no longer under the delusion that my father simply hates me because I am not the perfect Vulcan. I know that I no longer need to try to be the perfect Vulcan because that concept of perfection is nonexistent. I have made peace with my past. It is against basic Vulcan philosophy to allow oneself to be consumed by bitterness. I will not allow that to happen. I cannot hold onto that anger anymore.

XXX

October 24, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

After the events of a few days ago, Dr. Suarez felt it was best that we discuss what happened in person. The session was not fruitful at all.

Dr. Suarez believes that part of the reason why I am afraid to enter into a relationship with Jim is because of T'Pring. She thinks that I am afraid of being betrayed again. I disagree with her hypothesis completely.

I am not bitter about that, nor do I feel that I should be. It was an arranged marriage. I feel guilty for the fact that I was unable to prevent her death. I feel more guilt over the fact that I have James when Stonn will most likely be alone for the rest of his existence.

At least I will have Jim once I get over my apprehension. I still have not decided on a course of action to tell James that I am interested in him. Nyota suggests that I just jump Jim during shore leave and have my way with him. This suggestion resulted in several inappropriate dreams that evening. I really hope that I did not share this dream with James, but considering the content, I know that is a foolish hope.

As time moves closer to shore leave, I am seriously contemplating her suggestion. Maybe it would just be easier to show my emotions instead of actually verbalizing what I feel. I would not go to such lengths as to include handcuffs, but certainly a human-style kiss would be enough to convey my true emotions. Although James has yet to see the significant of Vulcan style kisses, so maybe kissing would not be effective.


October 25, 2228

Dear Therapy Journal:

On our last night on the colony, I brought James with me for a final dinner with my father. At least this time Sarek served food that would not send James into anaphylactic shock. I should be thankful for this. I think this is my father's way of showing his approval of James. More surprisingly, my father shared anecdotes about his own marriage with my mother. He would not do this unless he felt comfortable with James. It was the type of dinner I have always wanted to have with my father. I am glad that my last night on the colony was so pleasant and, surprisingly enough, I will actually miss my father.

XXX

October 28, 2258

Dear Therapy Journal:

We will be arriving at our shore leave destination in three days and the crew is becoming somewhat restless. There was another incident in engineering involving the unauthorized creation of alcohol that had to be dealt with swiftly after an explosion.

This restlessness led to another unfortunate incident in the cafeteria. We have recently started eating in the mess hall again because Jim supposedly did not want to give my 'girlfriend' the wrong impression, despite the fact that Nyota keeps telling him that she wants us to spend as much time as possible together. A certain colleague made several comments about Jim's supposedly legendary reputation when it comes to shore leave and sexual decadence. Both James and I responded by breaking our breakfast utensils. Because this is for therapeutic purposes, I will admit that I snapped my fork because the thought of James engaging in sexual intercourse with anyone else is repugnant. James told me later on that he was upset because he is tired of everybody thinking that they know him when they have no idea who he really is. I can relate to Jim's predicament. Too many people think they know me, but they know nothing about me.


October 31, 2258

Dear therapy journal:

I am quite frustrated with Nyota at the moment. I do not know how she did it, but she somehow managed to change my reservation at the hotel for the honeymoon suite. Because Enterprise was not the only ship in the vicinity all other rooms were filled. After threatening to not pay for her room, she was willing to switch rooms with me. However, she said it was on the provision that Jim knows the truth about their relationship by the end of the night, one way or the other. I am not sure what she means by that. I agreed because her suite had two separate bedrooms and I do not want to deal with a situation where I will have to share a bed with James.

I am willing to admit on these pages that I turned down James' invitation to go to a club so I would not have to tell him that I find him attractive and that I am interested in pursuing a relationship with him. I also said no because I could not be responsible for my actions if I see one more person try to proposition my James. It was disgusting enough during lunch when a waitress tried to put her hand down his pants. I actually tipped over my milkshake. Yes, said milkshake contained chocolate.


November 1, 2258

Dear therapy journal:

I wonder if I made the right decision by not going with James last night. He seems unbelievably guilty and withdrawn this morning. Actually, I can feel this. He is worried about something. I have never sensed this much distress from him before. Part of me wonders if this extreme guilt was triggered by James engaging in sexual intercourse with any patrons at the club that he attended with Dr. McCoy the night before. However, after exchanging several emails with the doctor, he assured me that James turned down all offers of a sexual nature. I find this quite satisfying. However, I am still worried about why James feels guilty. If he did not engage in sexual intercourse with a stranger, why would he not look me in the eye at the museum? Every time I brought up Nyota in an effort to explain to James that we are no longer together, he quickly changed the subject. I do not understand the reason for such behavior. Then again, I do not understand Jim's behavior in general sometimes.

Despite this we had a wonderful day together. We visited several of my favorite museums and went to a really good Vegan restaurant. Right now James is downstairs having a drink with Dr. McCoy so I decided to take this time to do my therapy homework, or at least tried to. Nyota is currently pounding on my door and cursing at me in at least three different languages for reasons unknown.


From: SpockX

To: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

Time sent: 11/2/2258 00:28:01

Subject: Your assistance is needed immediately

Dr. Suarez, because of certain things that have happened on the shore leave, I need to schedule an appointment with you at your earliest convenience.

You will be happy to know that James is now aware of my feelings for him. Unfortunately his reaction was not ideal. I need to speak to you about this as soon as you are available.


From: mental_health_help_desk_Suarez

To: SpockX

Time sent: 11/2/2258 00:31:12

Subject: Re: Your assistance is needed immediately

Fortunately for you, I have a tendency to check my email in the middle of the night. I am in room 625. You can come as soon as you read this message or I can come to you. Where are you? Are you okay?

To be continued


Spock's part and Jim's emails have finally caught up to each other. Everything from here on out is new material.