CHAPTER TWENTY NINE
Eshe: May 28, 2154
Aiveli growled impatiently, waiting for Kaf to meet her. She pulled the cloak around her body tightly, annoyed by the strong, cold gusts of wind that had picked up over the last few hours. Kaf was late, but then again, he had been very busy when she had sent for him.
The last feast was tomorrow night, and she was growing uneasy. All those years of yearning for the day, the moment, when she would be able to fulfill her blood oath; those years seemed almost too much now. Rather than looking forward to it, she found herself drifting, her desire for vengeance replaced by the desire to simply be rid of it all. She had put so much of her life into this; there was a point where she realized she did not know what was her life anymore.
A rustle in the bushes behind her caught her attention, and she turned quickly, her fingers automatically reaching for the small throwing knife she always kept at her side. However, the figure that stepped out from the darkness was none other than Kaf, who looked rather uneasy himself.
"What did you call me for?" he said, without bothering to properly greet her. "I can't stray too far now, especially the night before the festival. There are too many people watching my movements."
"Hello to you, too, lover," she spat out coldly. He glared at her in response, but a faint smirk tugged at his lips.
"Well? What is it?"
"My sister had a vision," she said quite seriously. "This plan is going to fail."
Kaf just stared at her for long time after she spoke. Then, much to her dismay, he began to laugh, his laughter sounding so strange to her ears. She had never heard him like this before.
"It's not that amusing," she hissed at him. Immediately, he sobered, but the grin was still on his face.
"You drag me all the way out here while I'm in the midst of planning to overthrow my father and claim a kingdom as my own to tell me that your little sister had a 'vision' that said we're going to fail? I'm sorry, my dear Aiveli, but even you must see the humor in that."
"Not if it means we're going to fail."
"We're not going to fail," he said smoothly. "What could go wrong?"
"Many things. There is a woman, that stranger that was here with several others, by the name of Hoshi..."
A small muscle in his jaw twitched in recognition of the name. Aiveli took note of it, but she did not comment.
"What about her?" Kaf asked.
"My sister saw her, in a vision while she was by the altar. The woman was shot by an arrow on the last night of the feast." She stressed the words to get his attention.
He shrugged, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "So?"
"Kaf," Aiveli warned with an exasperated tone. "You know what this means."
"And what does it mean, dear Aiveli?"
"I missed."
"Well, doubting yourself now?" he asked, almost laughing again.
"It's not doubt. It's the future. It means our plan failed. Or rather, will fail."
"Fine, if it makes you feel better, I¡¯ll do it."
"But what if you miss?"
"I never miss."
"Kaf-"
"I told you already. I. Never. Miss."
This time his voice was cold, and Aiveli saw his eyes cloud over. Rather than try to pick a fight with him now, she settled on glaring at him. It did not seem to bother him at all, and after a few moments of silence, she threw up her hands in disgust.
"Well now, is that it?" Kaf said briskly. "Because if it is, I have to be on my way. Somebody's bound to miss me if I¡¯m gone for too long."
Aiveli sighed. He was clearly not going to listen to her any further. Nodding in response to his question, she watched him leave, her eyes lingering on his retreating form.
Damn him. If he wasn't going to treat this seriously, then it would be up to her. She still had that other bottle of poison the old apothecary had given her. It was always safer to have a backup plan anyway.
Hoshi Tucker was tired, but happy. She sat, quiet and quite invisible to the crowd of people in the bar, her mind at ease for perhaps the first time in thirty years. She laughed softly to herself.
Everything's going to be fine now, she thought. Charlie...Malcolm...Jon...you're all going to be just fine.
She smiled, content just to watch the Enterprise crew as they laughed with each other. Jon had returned that afternoon, looking rather concerned but refusing to talk to any of them. She smiled again, remembering how stubborn he really could be. However, she had seen her younger self talk him into joining the rest of them down here in the bar tonight, and his face had momentarily lit up.
That was, until Hoshi had settled herself comfortably into Trip's arms. Hoshi Tucker had rolled her eyes. Honestly, she really had no tact in those days. Well, at least, not in these matters, she amended quickly.
She knew what it was they were discussing, for she remembered saying those same words. But now, she marveled at the different perspective she was given, sitting in the corner of the bar, at herself. She looked so...happy.
Brilliant tears began to well up in Hoshi¡¯s eyes. It was downright selfish, what she was feeling right now, but she could not help it. All those years...all those terrible, painful years of her life that she had gone through, and now, the young woman sitting right there in front of her; that young woman will never have to face those horrors. Those hurts.
It didn't seem fair, somehow. Even though she knew that she was thinking about herself, that it was her future she was being jealous of; it still did not seem fair. She did not know for certain what would happen if ¨Cno, when- her mission was completed, but she knew enough to understand that her very self, as it was now, would be erased completely. The woman known as Hoshi Tucker, the woman who had lived and suffered for the ones she loved: that woman would not even be a memory anymore.
But it was for them. It was for them that she had to do this.
And also for you, you idiot, she told herself. Being jealous of yourself...that¡¯s just ridiculous. Better that she, that you, never have to experience all of that.
"Better for us all," she whispered aloud, as she watched her old friends laugh amongst themselves.
Malcolm looked up from the table, and she could practically feel his eyes boring into her. He gave an almost imperceptible nod in the direction of the bathrooms, and then made an excuse to leave the table.
Hoshi rose as well, pulling her hood well over her face, and then headed in that direction. As she stepped into the entryway, she felt a slight pressure on her shoulder.
"What do you want?" she said quietly, as Malcolm pulled her into a secluded area past the restrooms and out onto the terrace. The night was cool, but not terribly cold. However, the winds were strong, and Hoshi shivered. Malcolm's keen eyes scanned the area quickly, but he needn't have bothered. They were quite alone in the night.
"Malcolm?" she said, with a bit of curiosity in her voice. "What do you need?"
He hesitated. He had never been one who could voice his thoughts that well, Hoshi thought. She almost smiled.
"I just...I want to know how this is supposed to turn out."
"What are you talking about?"
"This," he repeated, and then pointed between the two of them. Hoshi had a feeling she knew what he was really asking her, even as he stammered on. ¡°I...I want to know if...if you married him. If you and I ever had a chance."
Hoshi could not help herself. She reached out a pale, trembling hand, caressing his cheek for a moment. Her Malcolm...her dear, sweet, wonderful Malcolm. He looked so young standing there. So vulnerable; his blue eyes were bright and searching. She remembered that he looked just as he did now so many years ago, that day in the armory. He had shown his scars, and she had shown hers. It was something that nothing could taint. Hoshi did not have the heart to tell him what he had become in her life. Because that's not going to happen, she told herself firmly.
"Hoshi?" he breathed. Her hand was still on his cheek.
Hoshi bit her lip. It was too much, too much to see him so close to her, his eyes unclouded by madness or anger but full of love and hope. That was the real pain, that he still had so much hope. The Malcolm she had known had lost his faith years ago.
"I love you, Malcolm," Hoshi said finally, her voice very small. "I've always loved you. You'll always have a place in my heart, now or in the future. But..."
"...but you're his, aren't you?" he finished for her. She saw him take a step back from her, out of her reach. His eyes were already hardening, and she ached to see the familiar walls begin to reform around him. The man with the scars was leaving her, replaced by a man who was desperately trying to push past this already. It wasn't fair.
"Malcolm-" she began, but he held up a hand to silence her.
"I know you're going to say something wonderful and kind, Hoshi," he said. "That's just the kind of person you are. Even when none of this is your fault, you're still going to try to say you're sorry." He smiled faintly. "It's part of the reason why I love you."
"Malcolm-" she tried again, but he shook his head.
"Please," he said quickly. "Just let me finish. If I stop now I"ll never get the whole bloody thing out."
"All right," she said. She could do that for him. He nodded his thanks.
"You can't help the people you love, Hoshi," he said then, his accent getting a bit thicker as his emotions welled up. "I can't help that I love you. And you can't help that you love him. But I'll still be here, you know? I won't leave you. And I won't ever stop loving you. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this, though," he added, laughing a little. "After all, in your time, I'm probably married to some other woman and chasing after my fat, annoying grandchildren."
He laughed again, and Hoshi joined him, in spite of herself. The truth was that she was so close to crying right now and making a mess of things, and she knew that she could not, must not, do that. So she simply bit her lip, hearing out this bitter irony. Malcolm sobered from his laughter a few moments later, gazing at her once more with those intense eyes.
"But I guess the reason is that I know Ill never be able to tell you this. Well, to tell her, this, I suppose," he added, gesturing back inside. Hoshi nodded. She of all people understood him, even more than her younger self thought she might. For she had seen the best and the worst of him, and she knew what he could do and what he could never be capable of.
In her heart, she saw this as an unfairness too, for she doubted her younger self would ever come to know Malcolm as she had known him. But then she remembered the horrible things he had done ¨Cthat he would do¨C and she realized that it would be more unfair for her, and him, to go through that all over again.
"Malcolm," she started again, but he still would not let her speak. Perhaps he was afraid that she might prove him wrong, or that she might change something between them for the future, but whatever his reason, he turned away from her.
"Are you going to be there tomorrow night?" he said instead, not turning around to face her.
"Yes," Hoshi said weakly, but then explained, "I want to see it go right this time."
Malcolm nodded.
"It's not fair," Hoshi murmured aloud, and she saw him stiffen. However, he then turned, a crooked smile on his face.
"You know, I always liked the notion that things in my life were unfair. Because really, if everything was fair, then that would mean I deserved all of this and more. So take comfort, Hoshi, that things aren't fair."
And then without another word, he walked briskly back inside. Hoshi stared after him, her thoughts a whirlwind of memories and unresolved feelings. But the only thing she could make any sense of was her own reply to his words, the reply she never got the chance to tell him.
"I won't leave you either, Malcolm," she whispered. "And I do love you...just not as much as you wanted me to. But I still do love you..." she repeated to herself. "And I will love you...forever..."
