AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter comes with warnings…. I'll list them for you:

# Kakashi has a dark dark past… (sorry if this counts as a spoiler, but really, it's bad)

# There is mention of rough sex (again, sorry for spoilers)

# There is mention of rape (yeah… spoiler :P) Only mention, don´t freak out on me :P

Or maybe you should freak out so you'll leave me a review…

Just in case anyone was wondering… I adore Kakashi, I truly do…

XOXOX

Hidden Feelings, Hidden Lives

Chapter 29: The Hidden Chapter Of Kakashi Hatake's Life

XOXOX

"I guess this all started when I was about fourteen… I got assigned to a squad until such time their third member was fit for active duty again after being injured on a mission.
One of my new teammates was… Well, he was my first crush.
Long story short, I tried to kiss him.

After that, he and a couple of other guys beat me up so bad I was hospitalized for a week.
It was a rude wake-up call to the fact that boys aren't supposed to fall in love with other boys…
So since that day I've kept it hidden. I'd… Well I would pretty much do all the things teenage boys do when they're alone in their room, I presume. I suppose you're no stranger to those activities, either. And it was… Enough, I guess.

But when I was almost seventeen, I fell in love again. Or, rather, I liked someone – I couldn't honestly call it love when it wasn't anything more than a physical attraction.
I was on a solo mission – that I can't tell you any more about – when I saw him…. Smooth, silky ash blonde hair – right down to his shoulders, just the way I like it. Huge, brown eyes in a pale face… The body of a god, I tell you. I was hooked.

So intrigued, I stooped to stalking him, all but abandoning my mission in the process.
Then, I found out that he… Sold himself. To other men…
And when I'd… When I finally worked up the courage, I pulled all my money and went to see him.

Akihiko… His name was Akihiko.

He said that he'd 'helped' a lot of young guys, and he would gladly introduce me to the world of gay sex.
So I did it.
And that's really all I'll say about that…

I started seeing prostitutes more often, learning how I could spot the ones that would accept me as a customer. It was a learning curve – I got yelled at quite a few times… Beaten up, too…
By this time my regular disappearances on missions were just that, regular.
Although I preferred to work alone, that wasn't always possible. But my teammates never knew where I went. Didn't ask either, I think they just didn't care.

I spent almost every dime I made on prostitutes, that was, until I discovered gay bars.
And I'm not talking about the good ones here. There are bars out there where… Where you're just a piece of meat, really.
They were an easy place to pick a guy up, and relatively cheap – compared to paying for it.

But on the inside, I was going through hell.

Here I was, holding this great, big, disgusting secret. Lying to everyone around me, lying to myself. I hated myself for it, and hated the world around me for turning me into this person.

So started drinking and I fucked. I fucked every ass I could get, simply to forget about everything for a little while. But the pain only increased with every notch on my bedpost…
I became cruel.

Cruel to my fellow shinobi, cruel to the criminals I was sent to arrest –even raping some of them.
But most of all, I became cruel to the people I was paying to have sex with me. Somehow I took all my frustrations out on them.
Having to pay for what should be an act of caring, of love, infuriated me.

So I hurt them.

I was sadistic.

Pounding inside them until they cried out in pain, until they were bleeding.
And worst of all: I enjoyed it.

I relished in their agony. By hurting others, it felt almost as if my own pain became a shared load.
Of course that wasn't actually true, once I would come of my high I'd feel even worse than before.
So in contradiction to all good sense, I would turn around and do it again.

I won't shock you any further with the grueling details, I'll suffice to say that by that time I fucked a different ass almost every day. Sometimes several times a day.
I left a trail of blood and pain everywhere I went. Everywhere, accept for Konoha.

I couldn't satisfy my urges here, so instead, I opted to take every available mission I could get my hands on.
Only a few people ever asked me why and I brushed off each and every one of them.

This… Pattern, I guess you could call it, held strong for about five years.
Most people could tell you I started to mellow out around my twenty-second year."

The jounin sighed, discarding the second empty pack of smokes since he'd started his tale.
"And here we are now…"