A/N: Hey everyone! Merry Christmas and Snappy Snarlidays. I've really been feelin' it! Sorry if I sounded depressing in the last chapter. Just gotta learn to deal with my arthritis (I am pretty sure it is just run-of-the-mill arthritis, and I can live with it).

By the way... This is part one of a two-part update. I know I said I wouldn't be splitting chapters up, but this update was 27,000 words so I kind of had to. I'm really happy with how these two chapters turned out, all things considered. I decided to take a break from the action, and this update has more of a focus on adult scenes.

Oh and I wanted to thank all my subscribers for inspiring me!

The year's ending with a bang. Smash Wii U rules. The Hobbit: BotFA was awesomely epic (they left too much good stuff for the Extended Edition though!), The Legend of Korra finale delivered almost everything I hoped for, and my girlfriend from across the country is coming to visit for a week come New Year's. So needless to say I am pretty stoked.

Smash-wise, the Wii U version is really impressing me. I am loving Palutena ever since they lowered the lag on her tilts, but Link, Mega Man, and Peach are my mains, though I sneak in some Zero Suit Samus and Lucina, too. As you can tell, I'm very happy with it... but at the same time, I don't think I'm going to play as seriously as I used to. I simply don't have enough free time as it is, and what little I have ought to go to trying to further my goal to be a career writer, which includes work such as this fanfic to improve my skills. So yeah. Those of you fortunate enough to be in the company of relatives this season, treasure them. Party on dudes, and be excellent to each other.

sippurp123: Thank you so much for your comments on the Samus/Peach scene and the love scenes in general! That was actually the first scene I ever wrote for the fic, and in a way it inspired me to write this whole thing. I am going to probably showcase more relationship/lemony scenes in the story, methinks.

George Fakepants: lol thanks

N8han11: Thanks for your comments and sharing the fic on TV Tropes! Really appreciate it!

EDIT: Fixed an issue with Wario and Meta-Knight.


The Smashing Bumpkins

Second Playlist

Chapter Twenty-Nine

I Remember You


I. Reflection

As the Female Smashers were being escorted down the garden pathway, Princess Peach's stomach twisted itself up into knots. Her heart made like she was running a marathon and pounded out a salsa beat.

Samus and I... we... we were having the most passionate sex... but that was three months ago. Does she still feel the same way?

"You're deep in thought," Zelda told her bestie, appearing seemingly out of nowhere. "And yet, I can't broach your mental barriers. In fact, I... huh. I never really noticed before, but there are times when I simply can't read your thoughts. It's happened over the past few months."

"That's... fascinating," Peach replied.

"It sure is," continued Zelda, her ears perking up a bit. "Almost suspiciously so."

"What do you mean by that?" the princess probed.

But Zelda simply bit her lip. "N-never mind."

Tell me, Zellie, Peach thought aloud, hopefully loud enough for the mind-reader to 'hear'. However, the Hylian princess had already drifted away, lost in thought.

"Zelda..." she began.

"I'm sorry," Zelda said. "Peach, I've been a fool. I have no right to treat your memories like they're my property."

"How will I ever find it in me to forgive you?" Peach said melodramatically, before winking and hugging her bestie. "Don't worry about it, Zellie. Nothing's gonna stop us now."

Zelda blushed as Peach rubbed her cheek up against hers. Sensing her awkwardness, Peach pulled away and pouted.

"Thanks for understanding. Every princess has her secrets."

"Even from their best friends?" Zelda asked.

"Especially from their best friends," explained Peach, thumbs twiddling.


May 6, 1999

Zelda was rather excited to pay her BFF a surprise visit. She was carrying a bag with wine, cheese, and crackers, and the latest issues of Cosmo, Salon, and National Geographic. Her gossip-o-meter was packed with the latest rumors and she had all manner of stuff to complain about regarding her darling Link.

Three light knocks on Peach's door were given. Normally it would have been enough to garner a response, but all Zelda's delicate pointy ears heard was a sort of cacophany of thumping and moaning noises. There was a violent crash, as if something had fallen over.

Is she okay?

The Hylian, concerned, turned the knob with her mind and opened the door soundlessly. She entered the hallway to the sounds of several pornographic films playing at once. Zelda curiously walked down the hallway towards the living room, only to see a sight she immediately wished she hadn't.

Atop the largest couch, Peach was sandwiched in between Captain Falcon and Marth, who were both nibbling on her neck. All were covered in baby oil.

Several ADULT films were playing from cascading television sets, the sound of which masked Zelda's appearance.

The Captain pounded Peach's behind, one leg on the floor and the other up on the couch. Peach's arms having given way, she rested atop Marth's chest, legs spread wide as the prince thrusted in and out of her dripping wet pussy.

"Ahhhh! I love how you fill me up inside!" Peach cried.

The blonde princess moaned and bucked back and forth; her gyrating matching the rhythm of the two men perfectly.

Zelda dropped her bag in shock; her wine bottles shattered.

"OH MY GOD," Zelda said, and then realized everyone was looking at her and bolted like a bunny.

"Z-Zelda?" managed Peach. The men didn't even stop.

"I'm... I'm so sorry!" cried Zelda, who slammed the door behind her.


May 9, 1999 (Three days later)

Peach knocked on Zelda's door. It was Link who answered.

"Hey," said Link.

"H-hey," Peach replied with a nervous smile. "How are things?"

"It's okay," he told her. "I think she's ready to talk."

"Thank you."

"You must have given her quite the scare," he said with a laugh.

Peach flushed crimson, unable to reply, and spun away.

"Didn't mean to put you on the spot, princess," Link apologized. He adjusted the flower in Peach's hair, which had gotten lopsided when she hid her face so suddenly. "C'mon."

They both walked up to Zelda's bedroom. Link gently rapped on the door.

"Someone's here to see you," he announced, perhaps a bit too brightly.

"I can't see anyone right now," Zelda replied.

"It's me," Peach insisted. "Please, Zellie. I need to-"

The door immediately opened a few inches. Zelda's face stuck out from behind it.

"Come in," she told Peach, and then looked to Link, a glance that told him she was going to be all right.

While Peach slipped through the doorway, Link tipped his hat and walked off to the living room to watch some Futurama with Impa.

Like herself, Zelda's bedroom was regal and perhaps a bit antiquated, with Hylian tapestries and carpets, Goron-carved marble bookshelves and furniture, and enough hardbound tomes to qualify it as a public library.

"I have to admit," Zelda began. "I was a bit shocked when I came by to see you the other day."

"Shocked is an understatement," said Peach, who noticed that her friend was avoiding eye contact. "You were positively catatonic. We had to carry you back to your room in a wheelbarrow."

Zelda continued to look away, her eyes scanning the view from her balcony.

"Bother me not with details. The point is, I... discovered a side of you that I didn't know about. And it made me question everything. I thought we were friends, Peach. I thought we could talk about anything with one another."

"There's no reason we can't," Peach replied.

"Except you've obviously been keeping all this from me."

"Is there any wonder why? You've been locked up in this room for days now."

Zelda shrugged. "I just thought I understood you is all."

Peach took her friend's hands in hers. Zelda couldn't help but meet the other princess' eyes.

"You do understand me," she insisted. "I'm sorry for hiding this side of myself from you. I shouldn't have let my fear get the best of me."

"Don't be sorry," Zelda said. "I'm the one who needs to work on my... acceptance... of others."

Peach smiled and entwined her fingers around Zelda's. The Hylian princess, a little uncomfortable, pulled her hands away and into her lap.

"I mean, I... I kinda don't think that I'm ready to understand just yet," Zelda said. "But I'll do my best."

"That's all I can ask for," Peach replied, and then hugged her bestie. "You're a good friend, Zellie."

Zelda treasured the hug, but couldn't help feeling a little uncomfortable at how long Peach was holding it... not to mention how she herself was enjoying it more than expected...


January 17, 2014

Peach and Zelda strolled through the gardens rather purposefully.

"I do believe I heard a bit of a ruckus coming from Bowser's room last night," Zelda informed her friend. "Did you have something to do with that?"

"I... might have," Peach replied sheepishly. "Daisy was there, too. We popped some Molly. It was fun."

Zelda kept a straight face. "I don't doubt that."

"You seem a bit upset..."

"Not really. Just a little disappointed, I guess. I thought you and Mario were getting back together."

Peach frowned at the word disappointed. She could see down the tracks to where this train of thought was headed, and she didn't like it. "We are. But we're still seeing other people."

"And having drugged-out parties every single night."

"Starting to smell a bit like jealousy, wouldn't you say?"

"Maybe you can help me understand. What's the point of a relationship if you're just going to sleep around like a common whore?"

"WAT."

"Huh?"

"Did you seriously just call me a 'whore'?! Gosh, Zelda, what is it with you? You're like a puritanical grandma! You're a Quaker!"

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to judge," replied the Hylian princess. "I just... that kind of behavior is okay for some people. Not Link and I."

"Ugh. You're so blinded by your own self-righteousness, your own self-censorship, you can't even see that you are judging. There's no need for name-calling here."

"Shouldn't we agree to call a spade a spade?"

Peach's fists couldn't be clenched any tighter. She plopped down atop a rock and held her head in her hands.

"You don't... get it... do you? You've only ever been in love with one person. You've been ordering the same dish for so long, you can't imagine what it's like to try the buffet."

"Hardly! Doesn't it cheapen the love you have with that special person when you're out there having sex with other people? Doesn't it reduce the intimacy that you share to nothing?" Zelda asked. "I'm genuinely curious here."

"And I'm being genuine, too. I would argue that my sex life with Mario has only gotten stronger since we've started swinging. The heart isn't a box that you can fill up. It expands the more you love."

(A/N: That line was from Spike Jonze's fantastic film 'Her', starring Joaquin Phoenix.)

"I thought love meant making sacrifices. Staying faithful."

"Maybe if you want to raise a family. Maybe if you're thinking of marriage."

"And why wouldn't we be?"

Peach put a finger to her lips sarcastically. "Um, let's see. Oh, right! Maybe because we're living in a computer...?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"Marriage is a dead institution. Without the ability to create children, it's empty."

"We can still strive for higher spiritual and social progress with our soul mates."

"Soul mates aren't a thing. They're a myth."

"I don't think I'll ever understand your lifestyle," Zelda told her.

"Nor yours," Peach replied. "If only you weren't so possessive of Link, maybe..."

"So that's what this is!" Princess Zelda exclaimed at last. "You want my Linkie for yourself!"

"No! You've got it all wrong!" yelled Peach. "All I meant is that it's not good for anyone to be too attached! You guys are going to suffocate yourselves at this rate!"

"We are perfectly happy being exclusive, thank you! I saw you making eyes at him the other day! And the way you brighten up when I say his name... best watch yourself, sister."

Peach was left speechless. It's true, she'd been making the flirty eyes with her bestie's boo. But it was all harmless fun... or so she thought.

Why is she so defensive? Could it be that Link has shown some interest in me?

"Zellie... I don't have the foggiest idea of you're talking about."

"Oh, I think you do. Talk to the hand," Zelda said, and shoved her palm in Peach's face.

From her tone, it became clear to Princess Toadstool that Zelda had read her mind. As Peach recoiled, her friend huffed her cheeks and walked away.

"We're not done here! Where do you think you're going?" Peach called after her, but got no response but a gloved middle finger.

Princess Toadstool, now left alone in the garden, took a seat upon a bench, her nerves completely shot by the violent exchange of words. She pulled out her pocket handkerchief and began to cry.

Two days later, Zelda formally apologized for her outburst, but the damage was done.

Caught in that all-too-familiar twenty-something angst, Peach and Zelda's friendship wasn't what it used to be.


April 2, 2014

Night of the first Voluntary Memory Suppression
(The same flashback scene as Chapter 25's Act VII)

Peach cradled Mario's snoring head as the passed-out drunkard's drool dripped onto her dress.

With a snap of her fingers, several Toads had rushed onto the scene to clean her dress and absorb Mario's saliva.

"So... shall we all head to the memory-erasing facility?" Impa asked. "Mother CAST awaits."

"It feels so wrong, giving up our memories like this," said Samus, who was cuddling with Snake after their heart-wrenching reunion just minutes ago.

After a long night of sharing memories and swapping confessions by the campfire just outside of Mother CAST's birthing chamber, it was finally time for the Smashers to suppress their long-term memories.

They stood and marched in slow procession. A bunch of others had to carry King Dedede, who was immobile from all the mescaline in his system.

Peach snuck away from Mario and Bowser and sidled up by Impa.

"Hey... Miss Impa... I have a request," the princess asked, pushing her index fingers against one another, in a manner similar to Yui Hirasawa from K-On!.

"Hmmm?"

"I heard you mention something earlier about Zelda being gifted with mind-reading powers."

"Ah, yes. The idea is that she'll be able to see into everyone's thoughts, only our people will be shielded against it. Because she's looked up to around here, it should help keep things in order."

"Do you think there's any way that, um, maybe I could get shielded, too?"

Impa scratched her chin. "I don't see why not. What's inspiring this, though? Might I inquire?"

"It's... well... I don't want to lose my best friend."

"Ah."

"We've been at each other's throats lately. It's become a real mess. I would rather she not see into my thoughts."

Impa crossed her arms. "Are you ready to live a complete lie?"

Peach nodded bravely, like a Studio Ghibli heroine. "If it will save my friendship with Zelda, then yes. I need her."

"You know how it goes. The deeper the lie, the more painful the truth, once it's inevitably revealed," said Impa.

"I just... I want things to be the way they were."

"You mean before you knew each other too well," Impa said with a grin.

"Touche. But this would really mean a lot to me..."

"Say no more. I'll see it done. Just don't go running to me once she figures it out."

"She won't. And thank you."


Present Day (late September 2014)

The tension rose to a fever pitch as Peach remained silent.

"I... I don't know what to say..." Peach replied.

"There's gotta be more to it than that."

"That's... odd," said Peach. "Maybe I've developed some sort of immunity?"

But Zelda's sad face told her that she knew it was a lie.

Awww, shucks, thought Princess Peach. Don't press me now, Zellie... of all times.

"So this is our base of operations?" Lucina asked them, interrupting the moment between the princesses.

"Uh... yeah," Zelda replied. "Something like that."

"It's a feast for the eyes, but I must say, an island stronghold without a navy is simply asking for invasion," said Lucina.

Upon hearing this, Palutena snuck in from behind and nuzzled her nose against Lucina's neck. "What type of invasion were you picturing, my dear? A sneak attack?"

Palutena licked Lucina's ear, which prompted a wave of shuddering.

"M-M-My Lady Midori-chan!" Lucina exclaimed. "Don't you think you're being horribly inappropriate?!"

"Depends on who you ask," Palutena pouted, and then turned to the princesses as she assembled a crown made out of flowers she was plucking from the hedge they were walking past. "Speaking of which, I don't suppose you two women share Supreme Overlord Fiona's vision of total domination."

Zelda bit her lip. "In a word... no. In two words... fuck no. In three words... uh..."

"Let's kidnap her," Palutena sang with a festive smile, sticking her crown of flowers on Peach's head. "We'll raid the armory. Pack some picnic baskets, bust in through her door, and carve her skin off with rusty potato peelers until she yields and becomes a voluntary hostage."

"Why the picnic baskets?" asked Rosalina, who was hugging a Luma.

"No duh. So we can have a girl's day out while she bleeds out in slow agony. She'll be too weak to attempt escape," Palutena replied, as if it were self-evident.

"Does it really need to be a violent solution?" Rosalina queried.

"I'm a feminist myself," said Peach, "and whatever this Fiona says she is, she's no feminist. She's an opportunist, using gender politics to further her power-grabbing agenda. It's women like her that give us a bad name."

"Then we're agreed, something must be done," Samus said, stepping into the conversation.

"Guys... I don't know about this..." Rosalina responded, eyeing their heavily armed robotic escorts, who knew not mercy nor remorse. "I don't think we're in any position to fight."


II. The Boys Are Back In Town

The male Smashers walked in a straight line down Castle Smash's halls, which were now lined with security cameras in addition to the Camera Lakitus and SWAT Bots tracking their every move. Though not led in shackles, they might as well have been.

"This whole charade is bullshit," Falco whined. "Where does she get off treating us like prisoners?"

"Well, according to Nana," Popo informed them. "First off, she and the Female Villager made some calls and got several thousand signatures for a petition to create a Central Smash Government and defend it with a completely taxpayer-funded military force."

"A Central Government? Why?" asked Solid Snake.

Popo raised his volume so the other men could hear. "Ostensibly, to prevent rape and the exploitation of women."

"Ah," said Link. "So she's one of those... femanazis I hear so much about?"

Ganon cleared his throat. "I believe the politically correct term is 'femanon'."

"Preeeetty sure you mean feminist," corrected Ike.

"Hey, is it really necessary to come up with so many terms? They're nothing but tits on a walking dick-sack!" Little Mac said, rather loudly. "Since when did we let womenfolk make decisions on what to call stuff?"

Just then, one of the SWAT Bots escorting them walked up to the boxer and smacked Little Mac in the face with the butt of his rifle.

"No hateful or degrading language towards women will be tolerated."

"Sheesh! All he was doin' was runnin' his mouth a bit!" Captain Falcon yelled after inspecting his buddy's face. "What happened to free speech?"

"More like hate speech," the robot replied.

"You owe Mac an apology," the Captain insisted.

"No one is going to owe anyone anything," said the Male Wii Fit Trainer, who appeared on the scene like a ninja and proceeded to stab Little Mac with a cattle prod. "Except you owin' our Divine Matriarch your fucking life, you chauvinist pig! I am your Community Planner! Grovel!"

"YEOOOOWCH!" Mac yelled as the Fit Trainer branded him with a "No Penises" sign on his forearm.

"Bastard!" Luigi yelled, and trapped the Fit Trainer in his whirling tornado.

The Fit dude wiggled his way out of the trapping combo and landed back on his own two feet a little ways away. He ran in with his cattle prod but Don Luigi twisted the metal around with his bare hands and shoved it into the Trainer's face, burning his gray flesh off.

"YAHHHHH!" the Trainer yelled.

"How does it feel?" Don Luigi screamed, his palms burned down to the flesh.

Luigi then tossed the brand aside and began pummeling the Fit Trainer.

ROBs and SWAT Bots rushed in to restrain Little Mac and the Don. Some of the Smashers stepped in to hold them off, but were soon all trapped in place, lashed together by electric lassos.

"When did you become such a shill?" Lucario asked the Fit Trainer.

"Shill? No. Honestly, being called that hurts my feelings."

"No need to be such a bitch about it," said Link before Toon Link shushed him up with an elbow nudge.

The Male Fit Trainer shrugged his shoulders. "Self-preservation is my concern. Like any good bodybuilder, I manage to adapt to the situations at hand. Don Luigi, I really do respect you, but you'd best learn to honor your new overlord. She's got a growing fortune."

"Being a dictator with absolute power will do that to people," said Ganondorf. "Er... why are you looking at me...? I read it in a book somewhere."

"If you all must know," the Male Fit Trainer continued while downing a protein shake. "The Supreme Overlord amassed a fortune in book sales. These went straight to her campaign funds."

"How?" asked Ness.

"You'll find out soon enough," said the Male Trainer. "Zip it and keep this line moving."

DK, rather annoyed at the tiny little man with a big mouth, snapped his neck in one quick motion.

The emergency alarms blared.

"Attention. Attention," a robotic voice intoned. "Officer down. Repeat, we have an officer down. We're by the Male Smashers."

"GG, Dumbass Kong," said Diddy. "You reek of failure."

"Oh, piss off. He was askin' for it," DK replied, teabagging the dead Fit Trainer's body.

"Check out the Orwellian spy drones," said Link as more camera drones flew into the hallway.

Shulk flicked one of them off, and then fell into step beside Link. "A shame that Travis fellow didn't make it in. You know, it kinda feels like we're forgettin' someone else."

"Prolly Son Goku," Mega Man answered, head downcast. "I haven't seen him since the explosion."

"Did he died?" Olimar queried.

"No more stone age memes... please..." Captain Falcon groaned.

Little Mac ignored his friend's words and quietly brooded beside him. The Falcon couldn't help but notice; however, he didn't have the words to comfort his buddy. Perhaps he, like Fox, Ness, Pit, and a few of the others, was still in shocked silence at all the new (or rather, old) stuff they'd learned.


Earlier that day...

Elsewhere, in a far away land...

On his back, Son Goku opened his eyes at last. He then grabbed onto his cock and sighed with relief.

I finally got my body back. Damn, that feels great. Ah... better wait until I can buy a box of tissue.

He sat up and took in the scene. Before him was a vast field. An idyllic countryside with a breeze sweeping through the tall grass.

He stood as a chill came rolling in from the trade winds behind him. Goku flexed his muscles and took a deep, satisfying breath.

He then noticed that a smiling piece of goo was in the process of mounting his leg.

"The hell! Whaddaya want, little guy?" he asked.

But the Slime Monster merely began its hump-fest, straddling Goku's calf and rubbing its body against it in a fashion that must have been erotic to the creature.

"Er... I think you're barkin' up the wrong leg, Slimer."

Before the cartoon-eyed Slime could finish itself off, however, a sudden flash of light cut through the blue expanse far above a medieval city. A sonic boom shook the atmosphere as the streaking object plummeted at mach speeds. It disappeared only to reappear in another direction, only to shift course one more time to directly above the city.

The Super Saiyan braced himself with an Energy Shield as the meteorite made impact. The boom incinerated the Slime and flattened nearby woods.

"Was that... a teleporting... course-correcting meteor?" Goku wondered aloud.

Goku finally lowered his Shield and flew over the paved path towards the city. Along the way, dozens of dead enemies of odd shapes and sizes – some fuzzy thing in a boot, something that looked like a Cheshire Cat, and a couple of asshats with spears – littered the scorched fields.

"Lovely," Goku remarked as he spotted a pig that had been exposed rather perfectly to the explosion. It had been rolling along its back, and thus the belly was cooked exceptionally well. Goku smacked his lips and took a huge bite out of the pork belly. He then devoured the cooked pig in once sitting, a feat that took him a good four minutes.

Afterwards, he looked around for a compost toilet but didn't find one. Instead, he shat over the radioactive moat around the castle. Since huge chunks of stone from the ramparts and two fallen towers had crushed most of the moat and gardens, no one would notice a little doodie. With his pants down, he flew into town for some soap and TP. To save time, he wiped his ass with the silken Sneasel-skin handkerchief of a maiden who died in the midst of giving a blowjob to the lecherous old blacksmith.

"This place is dead. Literally," Goku said.

"It's got a population of two. I'd hardly call that dead."

Goku spun on his heels only to see who else but Proto Man leaning in the vestibule, smoking a corn pipe. His cool shades hid any expression, and his yellow scarf caught lightly on the breeze.

"Hey! You're that guy Gex and Eggman were talkin' about. Rockman's brother?"

"Yeah, but don't ever tell him that," Proto Man replied. "Seriously, he won't be able to process it. Name's Proto Man. By the way, you're late to the crime scene."

Goku looked the guy up and down. He was definitely trying a bit too hard to be mysterious. "And you're not? Where are we, and what the hell happened here, anyway?"

"We're in the Dragon Quest IX world, DQ planet. Square-Enix server. As for what happened... some dumb bitch calling herself the Supreme Overlord of Planet Smash decided we were housing Weapons of Mass Erections. I mean, all it was was Aquila's 3D porn stash. He forgot to encrypt it is all. Anyway, without our consent or nothin' they straight up invaded our asses and immediately started building a satellite-based comet cannon."

"C'mon, guy," Goku said drolly. "You and I both know comets are the size o' cities. There ain't no way nohow you can harness one, let alone fire it outta a cannon."

"It's got something to do with quantum entangling a wormhole and getting it to swing the high-speed chunk of rock and ice through a series of large portals."

"Uh, okay. And why should I give a shit?"

"Because we're at war, son. Or are you just gonna sit there as innocent people are being fucked up by the tens of thousands?"

"Your CAST server will just resurrect y'all. It ain't real death," Goku argued.

"On the contrary..." Proto Man continued. "Fiona wants to destroy the CAST Servers. That way, she can wipe the mainframe completely and install a new custom firmware. Her goal is to reboot and enslave the entire CAST Network!"

"Awwww, yeah! That's the motivation I needed!" Goku exclaimed out of nowhere. "If that's the case, then there's no one else I'd be better off fucking over!"

At this, Goku grabbed his dick through his pants and closed his eyes.

"GOKU!" Proto Man yelled. "DUDE! Please... I... I really don't need to see that shit."

"Ah, right-o. Right-o. Just hypin' myself up a bit."

"So... uh, you gonna follow me?" Proto Man asked him.

"Sure," replied Goku, and the two explored the ruins side by side.


"There's someone else who's missing too," pointed out Wario. "That a-scumbag who stole a-my fortune!"

"Professor Elvin Gadd!" Ness yelled. "I, too, seek to spill that demon's blood on behalf of all his war crimes!"

"Say no more, sweet child," said Donkey Kong. "His days of exploiting us are numbered. Ganon, didn't you outfit everyone with an RFID tracking chip?"

"Er..." Ganon began. "Just us here at the Smashgrounds. Gadd was never on my list. But I might have some DNA samples on my pauldrons from when his head exploded."

"Dude!" Bowser exclaimed. "Analyze that shit. Then send Chibi-Robo to track him down!"

"Precisely what I was thinking," agreed Ganon.

Just then, the other male Smashers turned to see Pikachu and Meowth striding into a flying limousine. Pikachu's shades were down over his eyes. He cocked a smile to Ganondorf, Captain Falcon, and the other guys.

"Yo Pikachu! Where ya goin'?" Captain Falcon called out, but he could not be heard over the limo's engines as it rose from the island.

"He's got his TV appearance with Monita," said Ike, who had just joined them. "Looks like special treatment."

"Oh, I wouldn't be surprised, darling," Ghirahim informed them. "Now, you didn't hear this from me, but that yellow one had a private audience with HRM Fiona."

"Once a rat, always a rat!" screamed Wario.

"Hey, have a little respect for the guy. He may be a dick, but he brings home the bacon," Mewtwo pointed out. "Despite or perhaps as a result of strict adherence to formula, people still love the ever-humping shit outta Pokemon."

"Way to rub it in," Captain Falcon replied. One of the least pleasant things about getting his memories back was that the F-Zero champion racer hadn't had a new game in two console generations.

The Smashers finally made their way through the large courtyard and hallway towards the dining room.

As the double doors opened, who else but Supreme Overlord Fiona stood at the head of the table, greeting them.

"Good morning, dear Smashers. Let us brunch in the name of the Goddesses."


III. I Won't Back Down

Fiona stood upon a soapbox and tapped her wine glass with a spoon.

"Men, women, gender-neutral beings, et cetera… it is my greatest pleasure to welcome you all back to our grand city," the World Leader said, addressing everyone.

"How in the hell did a-you manage to fuck-a things up so badly in such a short time?" Mario asked her.

"Listen, I did what any sane, rational being would have. Every minute a woman out there gets raped, insulted, or denied a better paying job. What little policing the so-called Don here was doing was clearly insufficient."

"That doesn't give you the right to come in here and completely change our form of government!" yelled Luigi.

Fiona shook her head. "The system itself was toxic to the core. I had to burn it down and make an example of anyone clinging to archaic social norms."

"Wait… what the HIZZELLLL is goin' on wid that atrocious statue?!"

King Dedede's rant came seemingly out of nowhere, but the Smashers soon saw with their own eyes what his enlarged cartoonish ones could not have missed: that there was a statue of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named standing in the middle of the roundtable, presiding over the lazy Susan that housed the residents' platters.

"Is that.. Literally Who?" Olimar asked Ganon, who would have been the first to know.

"There goes my appetite," said Lucario.

Mega Man scratched the back of his helmet. "Oh. Bomberman was talkin' bout that dame. Is she that Quinnspir-"

"Dare not speak its name," Bowser said, silencing the Blue Bomber. "Lest you give this phantom strength. Tis nothing but a distraction from the topic at hand."

"Excellent technique," observed Sonic, who liked to collect this kind of art and trade it across realms. "I'd recognize Adeleine's work anywhere. I'll give ya top Gil."

The blue hedgehog whipped out his Tommy Hilfiger wallet and flipped it open. This revealed that it wasn't a wallet at all, but rather a case for his LG G3 cellular phone.

Sonic posed for a Camera Lakitu as he withdrew the smartphone from its case and held it up to the light.

"With my new LG G3 model, I can send cash fast with NFC technology, no problem! LG: Life's Good!" Sonic said as jollily as he could muster.

While Sonic mugged for the cameras and used his Square app and marketing bonus to pay for the statue, the others looked upon the larger-than-life bronze with disgust.

"Very well. The proceeds will go straight to my administration," Fiona informed Sonic.

"Wait, really?" Sonic realized, and then put away his phone. "Uh, never mind, then."

"Just destroy it, man!" yelled Dark Pit, who slammed his fists down on the table. "We can't have that shit ruining the ambiance!"

"There isn't much we can do without our weapons," said Shulk, sadly.

"One thing's for sure. That ho ain't no martyr," said Little Mac.

"Shyeah," said Fiona. "And I suppose you're going to say this whole thing is about ethics in games journalism."

"She's not the issue! The issue is that the entire system stands upon a house of cards! You seized power for power's sake, but go on pretending to stand up for a cause that no one can argue against without being publicly shamed. Just like the gaming industry, you've got a conflict of interest!" proclaimed Link.

"No one can argue against feminism because feminism is the future! We are tired of being put down by a system that has a glass ceiling for women, let alone women of color! Have a heart and realize that people need to encourage women to take up careers!"

"What's important is the freedom of choice," said Palutena. "And I agree with you there. But limiting men and centralizing power will only breed more violence. Power corrupts. The more power in one place, the more suffering."

"I'm not hearing a solution," Fiona challenged her.

Palutena fluffed her hair. "My advice, from one feminist to another, is simple. Disband this joke of a government. Let the people of this planet govern themselves as they always have."

Fiona hit a big red buzzer. A random guy shouted "That's bullshit!" from a speaker on the device.

"There can be no equality in a self-governing society! The men will always rise to the top! Naturally, men are taller and more physically fit than most women. We'll continue to live under your oppression. You can't call yourself a feminist and an anarchist at the same time!"

Zelda shook her head. "True Scotsman fallacy. Feminism, like any belief system, has branching schools of thought. You can't claim to speak for every woman with your radical, fascist dictatorial, and frankly, dystopian approach to governance."

Ike munched on his weed brownie and stood beside his buddy. "Fiona, you're just stalling because all this shit is besides the point. You saw a power vacuum and you abused your power as a Smasher by seizing control of the planet and building an army! That is way outta line!"

"I agree! You had no right!" screamed Don Luigi. "No right to do as a-you did!"

"At least give us back our weapons, for goodness' sake," Samus demanded.

"In due time. Weapons use shall be verboten on the grounds. Really, we have nothing more to discuss," said Fiona. "I'm den mother here. This is my pad now. Which means that our menu is going vegan and gluten-free! Can we get a heck yeah, homebodies?"

"Never!" Captain Falcon yelled. He had just devoured the roasted mackerel and was waving a juicy cut of Angus steak in one hand while the other had just plucked some spatzle. His cheeks were stuffed. "You can take away our bending - er, weapons - but you'll never take our freedom to eat whatever the fuck we want!"

"Hey, now. We need our weapons back," said Mega Man. "This is non-negotiable and yer not leavin' us with much choice."

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong," Fiona told him. "Pledge your allegiance to me-"

"NEVER!" the chorus boomed.

"Then you will learn to!" yelled Fiona. "Guards! Cut off their 'weefie'!"

"Their... what?" asked Nana, who was supremely confused.

"Y-you know! The thing that makes the Googles happen! Weefie!"

"I think she means Wi-fi," Ganondorf said. "And you can never take that away!"

"Watch me, pervert," Fiona laughed.

One of the ROBs brought out the wireless router, tethered to the fiber-optic broadband line. Fiona whipped out Edward Scissorhands' detached arms, which she bought off a black market auction.

"Are you doing what I think you're doing?" Lucas exclaimed. "That shit ain't right!"

In a fit of wild ecstasy, Fiona chopped up the cables.

She then took the router and THREW IT ON THE GROUND.

ROB handed her a Golden Hammer and she proceeded to smash that shit into little bits.

The Smashers were teary-eyed as their precious Internet was taken from them.

"YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" Kirby yelled, and ran towards Fiona.

The Supreme Overlord snapped her fingers. Two ROBs rolled on over to Kirby and took turns dribbling him.

"I already did," Fiona said ominously, and then flipped them all off. "Don't think you won't get your just desserts if you all continue to act out like this. My rule is inarguable. It's supported by my chart-topping book sales! Pick up a copy for half-price on your way out."

SWAT Bots by the door held up discounted copies of her paperback Fifty Shades of Green: Based on the True Story Of the Forbidden Butt-Munching Love of Link and Marth.

"NANDE?!" Marth screamed upon seeing the suggestive front cover: he was cuddling against Link on a sleeping bag by the campfire. Both men were topless and gazing deep into each others' eyes as Epona watched on. Suddenly, the visual metaphor of the Ring around Death Mountain in the background suddenly took a whole new meaning.

"You fucking... AHHHHHHH!" Link yelled, and then smashed his plate into the table. "What is this SHIT?! Is this your idea of a joke?!"

"I don't hear you pledging," insisted Fiona.

"Go to hell," said Captain Falcon, who crushed his glass in hand. "I'm walkin' outta here! Who's with me?"

And so, Captain Falcon, Snake, Samus, Link, Zelda, Mario, Peach, Luigi, Yoshi, Bowser, Bowser Junior, Rosalina, Melville, Shulk, Falco, Mega Man, Palutena, Pit, Dark Pit, GW, Olimar, Lucario, Ganondorf, Sheik, Toon Link, and Charizard all stood and left the room, but not before purchasing paperback copies of Lady Fiona's Smut Fanfic at fifty percent market price.

King Dedede, Jigglypuff, Wario, the Female Fit Trainer, the Ice Climbers, and a few others continued to munch on the food.

"We'll get them yet," ROB told Supreme Overlord Fiona as Kirby was tossed out of the window. "They'll come around."

"It's true. One by one we'll win them over. Then they won't have any other choice," Fiona agreed.

"Listen, lady, you seem like you got some real issues," Dedede pointed out in between bites of his shawarma.

"Oh, ya think?" said Popo.

"Whaddaya want to rule people for anyway?" King Dedede asked. "It really ain't worth all the stress."

"I would agree," said the Female Wii Fit Trainer. "Work on those glutes. Breathe deeply. And don't sweat the small stuff."

"I'm afraid there will be no rest for me," said Fiona. "I will not cease my work for one instant, not until the entire Multiverse is run by my Righteous Ovarian Feminist Law, or ROFL for short."

"Now why would you wanna do that?" King Dedede probed. "Ain't it enough to rule over one planet?"

"No," said Fiona. "As long as there are any remnants of the patriarchy, evil can still yet take root. My goal is to end the toxic masculine culture entirely. Neuter every man, except for the breeders."

Wario was confused. "Breeders?"

"The Johnny Depps, Tom Feltons, and Brad Pitts of the world, duh. Other than, like, the super hottest of the hot, I must eliminate every man who holds a position of power. All films will pass the Bechdel Test. Womyn will be allowed to walk the streets naked, and any cis mind-rapist who even thinks to hold open a door for a Womyn will be locked away at the stockade. No longer will any Womyn be raped by a man's filthy eyes!"

"Sheeyit, that sound pretty extreme," said King Dedede.

"True change has never been achieved with half-measures," Fiona insisted. "Why do you think Hitler failed?"

Pac-Man finished up his banana split. "Ummmm... maybe 'coz he was tryin' to kill an entire race o' people?! Not to mention, wasn't his funding cut off?"

"You've proven my point beyond a doubt," Fiona replied, completely missing the irony of Puck's statement. "Hitler lacked worldwide support, he was in the wrong, and he trusted whoever was bankrolling his campaign. I, on the other hand, have a best-selling series of books, own the Central Bank, and am fighting for the only true ideology there is – feminism – and the only justice that exists – that is, male genital mutilation."

Kirby climbed back up the window and plopped down onto the floor, breathing heavily.

"You ain't choppin' my dick off, that's for sure!" he yelled. "C'mon Dedede, Meta-Knight. Let's get outta here."

"How is it you own the Central Bank?" Meta-Knight asked, slices of shortcake staining his face mask.

"Won it in a wager against Toadsworth. It's a matter of public record," sneered Fiona. "Now that your Weefie's cut off, you might want to start learning how to use your tongues and fingers properly!"

"S'at s'posed to be a phallus joke? You's a sick, twisted woman," King Dedede said after shoving a Philly Cheesesteak down his trap. "Normally I'm into deformed snowflakes like you, but der's only so much crazy one penguin can handle in any given twenty-fo' hour period. We out."

After taking their copies of her Smut Fanfic, the Kirby cast waddled out of the room, followed by Wario, the Wii Fit Trainer, and the Ice Climbers.

The doors shut behind them.

Nana took Popo's hand once they were safely into the hallway.

"What is it?" he asked, rather agitated. It had been a while since she'd treated him like this, and he wasn't used to it.

"We need to talk."

The Ice Climbers bade farewell to the others and exited scene left to the gardens.

Wario scratched his ass crack and sniffed it.

"I don't a-know about you guys, but there's no reason for a-me to stay here another minute. I need to a-track down that asshole Edwin Gadd, retrieve my vast fortune, and make him pay twofold in his own blood."

"Ain't that a bit harsh?" Kirby posited.

"No need to go solo, bro," King Dedede told him. "Give us a few hours and we'll round up a good crew."

"There's no time," Wario grumbled. "He could be in a godforsaken American server for all we know. Hiding out with Blizzard, Valve... EA... even Zynga. There are so many MMOs..."

"I agree, he's long gone," Meta-Knight said. "Maybe I can help you find him. For a price."

Wario's face brightened up. "Keep talking. What's in it for you and yours?"

"A thousand shares in WarioWare, Inc., an' dat sweet chopper of yours."

Wario bit his lip. "Outrageous! Fine. Let's do it a-your way. Assemble a team. Then meet a-me in the garage after dinner."


Nana and Popo walked down to the garden, passing Roy as he was posing against a marble column, clad in a bath robe.

"Care for a drink, Climbers?" he asked, holding up a bottle of Captain Morgan.

"No thanks," Popo replied, and they walked into a rather hidden alcove not too far from an artificial waterfall.

The peaceful Japanese garden gave them a perfect cover to talk discreetly.

"So what's up?" asked Popo as he fed some bread crumbs in his pocket to the Duck from Duck Hunt. Its canine friend was nearby, basking in the sun.

"We should leave today," she said, not mincing words.

"Today? We just got back!"

"I know, but... I get the feeling she isn't going to stop until the Multiverse is in ashes."

Popo munched on an apple. "What do you think she's got in mind?"

"I... I wish I knew. She keeps her plans close to her chest..."

"We need more info," Popo told her. "I'm not going to abandon everyone, not if there's a chance we can convince 'em."

Good luck with that, Mewtwo replied to both Ice Climbers telepathically.

"Mewtwo?" Popo yelled. "Who said you could eavesdrop?"

The Psychic-Type Pokemon popped his head out from behind a nearby hammock, within which he was hidden. He wore a pair of sunglasses and was reading hentai manga from his Kindle.

"Hey, I got here first. You're the fools interrupting my fap session."

"Save it," said Nana. "We'll be out of your way in a minute."

She leaned her head on Popo's chest. "We haven't had a game in decades now. Let's face it. We ought to move on, go see the Multiverse while we still can."

"I'd love to do that, honey," Popo replied. "Really, I would. But if there's a chance our friends... I mean, what if somethin' happens... knowing I coulda helped... I won't be able to rest, or enjoy one instant of that vacation."

She met his eyes and smiled an everlasting smile.

"I love it when you're all brave like that."

"C'mere, sweetie."

The Ice Climbers began making out right then and there. Mewtwo closed his eyes and telepathically watched as they got all hot and heavy with one another.


IV. Heartbreak Hotel

Travis cleared his throat as he addressed Takamaru. "Hey, uh, samurai guy in pajamas... I seem to be at a loss. Where do you all keep the moe around here? I long for a stiffness in my pants."

"In due time, all questions shall be answered," Takamaru replied as he led the procession of Smash Hopefuls, who were informed they would now be called the Domesticators.

"Cryptic much?" sneered Sora, who joined in at the last minute with crossed arms.

"Tardy thou art once more! Prithee, what nonsense have you to say in your defense, odd child?"

"A Keyblade Master is never late, nor is he early. He comes precisely where and when he means to, and that sometimes means in your princess' cooch," Sora replied.

"Man, isn't it supertacular that they made another castle, just for us?" Rayman told Shrek all giddy-like.

"Ah have to agree with ya, lad," Shrek replied, patting Rayman on the back. "It's quite a sight fer sore eyes."

"I pray thee forgive me, then, for spoiling the surprise," said Takamaru from the front of the line. He tapped a button on his tablet and removed a protective glamour spell from the luxurious grounds, revealing the castle as nothing more than a Tomodachi Life apartment building.

"What the fuck is this bullcrap?" yelled Ridley. "Bomberman, Simon, let's give 'em a piece of our minds!"

Simon Belmont merely grunted.

Bomberman, for his part, was too busy scrolling through GamerGate threads. "Castle, apartment, bunker... same thing. To the hand spaketh, normalfag. There's something horribly wrong on the Internet."

"Fuck the Internet! There's something very wrong over here!" Crash Bandicoot protested. "I was promised private balconies! Toad servants at my beck and call!"

"Listen up, fools," said Impa. "The former employees of this establishment have filed their grievances and are currently on strike."

The Smash Hopefuls all waited for the punchline, but it, much like Pee Wee Herman in that one unfortunate night in the back of the porno theater where he was arrested for masturbating, never came.

"Now you're pulling our legs," said Isaac with kind of a laugh. "There's no way all this fucking happened overnight."

"Wait, don't tell me. Time dilation took effect as Planet Smash was sucked into the wormhole," explained Dr. Light.

"Care to explain how theoretical astrophysics can take place in a realm where basic Newtonian shit is thrown out the window?" Dr. Wily interrupted him.

"You can quit it with the speculation," Bayonetta interrupted them, having flown into their midst incognito as a crow. She was clad in her outfit from the original Bayonetta, a tight black leather bodysuit made from her voluminous hair. Her haircut remained rather short, though. "Tell 'em, Impa."

Impa cleared her throat and addressed the crowd. "The truth is, time did slow down for this town. The initiation of the update process halted Smash City's human Time-Synch Device, overclocking the entire City. Seconds lasted for minutes one day, hours the next. What we all experienced as one night became a month-long ordeal for this place. The news broadcasts of our exploits streamed in over the course of what they experienced as several weeks. Meanwhile, having seized control of the Smashgrounds, the woman formerly known as the Female Villager somehow managed to create an entire armed government..."

"Yeah, yeah, we know that already," said Wonder-Red.

"Don't be hasty," the Hylian warned him as she adjusted a wayward bang. "Let me get to the point kindly, because it's a sharp one."

"Out with it," demanded Dixie Kong, who could now speak English as well as DK and Diddy.

"Fine. You all are now destined to fulfill the role of hired help at the Smashgrounds. You will work as caretakers during the day."

Groans, enraged yells, and confused stares filled the crowd. Black Mage cried Watera tears so hard they formed a puddle on the floor.

Princess Daisy stared on, dumbfounded, like a child who'd walked in on her dad, in a Santa outfit, having sex with the nanny on Christmas Eve while Mom was at yoga class.

"I'M NO MAID! I'M A PRINCESS!" Daisy yelled.

"Royalty doesn't apply here, darling," said Bayonetta.

"I want to talk to whoever's in charge!"

"That'd be Lady Fiona."

"Very well," Daisy muttered, and marched off to find an air taxi.

"Um... Of course, there's enough of you that you won't all be working every hour of every day," continued Impa, "but it will be difficult. Concierge work. Dishes. Laundry. Housekeeping. Cooking."

"Don't Cooking Mama and ROB man the kitchen?" Krystal queried.

"Mama's now on syndicated television. Fiona offered her a cooking show."

"Wake me up when September fucking ends," Dr. Eggman grumbled. "I don't think I like where this is going..."

"Neither do I," said Krystal. "In fact, it sounds rather shit. Is there a gym here, at least?"

"Yes, and a rather robust one, too," Bayonetta replied.

The Umbran Witch was carrying a basket filled with some sort of flower. She took a bud and placed it behind her ear.

"Rosemary. It signifies remembrance," she explained as she passed around her hand basket. "Congratulations on recovering all your memories. Oh, for those who don't know me. My name is Cereza, but you can call me Bayonetta. I'm apparently in charge of housing here, since I always get what I want and have made even the baddest of the bad beg at my feet. By the by, I'm in need of a sparring partner-"

"ME!" Black Mage yelled over the crowd, waving his hand frantically.

Bayonetta sighed. "Sorry, love. Might want to keep your hand down. That rather pungent fragrance your underarms seem to be expelling is... not to my taste. Anyone else?"

Sora raised his hand.

"Aren't you too young for me?"

The Kingdom Hearts hero slicked his hair, which spiked back up into place. "Believe me, I may be broke, and I may have huge feet and weird proportions, but at least I'm a meth addict! No, no! What I meant to say was well-hung! WELL HUNG. And you know what's in my heart, deep down? Thank God for those tits. AH! I said grits! Grits, I said! I'm also a meth addict. SHIT, did I say that out loud again?!"

Crono patted the kid on the back. "Bro... just... stop. Please. For all our sakes. Lady Bayonetta, might I inquire as to what, if any, form of compensation-"

"You'll get nothing and like it," she informed him.

Ridley flexed his wings. "I'll bite!"

"I'm not fond of pets that don't listen to their masters. How about the rather foxy lady?"

"Say no more. I'd be glad to be your sparring partner, if you'll have me," Krystal insisted.

"Very well, darling. We'll discuss this in private later."

Catcalls could be heard from the crowd. Bayonetta blew the offending men – Geno and Mallow – a kiss, which actually Confused and Paralyzed them.

"Tut tut, children," said Bayonetta. "Perhaps you need to be taught some respect?"

Geno and Mallow nearly creamed tree sap and rainfall all over their pants.

"Yes, milady!" Geno cried. "Punish us, please! Take out that whip!"

Bayonetta eyed the desperate Hopefuls, who would make perfect janitors. They were just the right size for cleaning toilets with scrubbing sponges strapped to their heads, Invader Zim style.

"Hmmm, I think I'll just leave that to the pros. Shrek and Simon Belmont, I need you to work security detail. It's good pay."

"Have your people talk to my people," Simon said.

Shrek rubbed his belly and eyed the Super Mario RPG mascots the way a master butcher admires a particularly juicy slab of pork belly. "Sounds good, lass! We'll rough 'em up for ya in no time flat!"

"Consider it a warning, fellas," said Impa. "I see those death stares. Gentlemen, let me remind you of our first rule: no roughhousing inside."

"Hey, hang on, since when are there rules here?" asked Bomberman. "I thought this was an Anarchist Territory!"

"Not since the ratification of Supreme Overlord Fiona's Happy World Funtime Act of 2014."

"The what?" asked Dr. Light.

"That will take far too long to explain, darling," Bayonetta replied. "Anyone else want a job?"

"I think maybe I could do somethin' to help me feel not so terrible?" Rayman asked.

"Actually, you'll be living with Doctor Stiles in a loft above the psych ward. Sakurai's orders. He wants to study just what makes you you."

"Hang on, you want to use me as a medical experiment, eh?"

"For science," Impa said with a smile. "Neil Degrasse Tyson would approve."

"Ad hominem fallacy," said Bomberman.

"Never you mind," Bayonetta replied. "What say you, Rayman?"

The limbless wonder grabbed at both locks of his hair. He was barely keeping the other guy in check. "Eeeeeehhh... AAUUUGGGHH!"

He then proceeded to punch himself in the face. Takamaru interrupted him by anchoring his feet to the ground with a Freezie.

"Thou would desire, methinks, to not be a hindrance to our progression and evolution, ol' chap," insisted Takamaru. "Would that a lame gent as yourself could even grasp the meaning of self-sacrifice."

Rayman shrugged his shoulders. "Well, when ya put it that way... all righty."

The group entered the lobby/lounge in the center of the apartment complex: with a swanky fireplace, a couple of huge TVs above the mantle, a huge water bong, an ample bookshelf, dance floor, and an open bar, it had the best characteristics of both a low-key three-star hotel lobby and a chilled-out Amsterdam coffee shop.

"We're getting the arcade machines brought in courtesy of our new media sponsor," explained Bayonetta.

The Domesticators waved to Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Amy, all of whom were crowded around a mysterious figure.

"Mr. Hori, I presume!" Bayonetta called out with a blown kiss, strutting forward effortlessly on her heels.

Taizo Hori (Dig Dug), dressed up in a pinstripe suit and holding a cigar, took his arm off his granddaughter Jill's shoulder and reached out to the luscious Umbran Witch.

"Cereza!" he said warmly, and went in for the hug, pressing himself against her breasts and even rubbing her back with his hand so he could get to feel Bayonetta's marble-hard nipples.

The Umbran Witch rolled her eyes at this. "I suppose it's true, Mr. Hori, that the aged oak has the most resilient trunk?"

"Oak? More like a redwood," Mr. Hori replied, and eyed Bayonetta's candied buttocks, Thelma (left) and Louise (right), which were immediately registered as Japanese National Treasures after the release of Bayonetta 2 in August 2014 (a little known fact).

"Oh, grandpa. You're such a fucktarded llama ass hair tickler," said Jill with a giggle.

"Language," Taizo reminded her. "What would your dear father say?"

But Mr. Driller (Taizo's son and Jill's dad) was off spelunking with Quote in Skyrim.

Jill pondered her answer, pouting like a petulant kid. "I believe the subject matter would be somethin' like, please unchain me and lemme outta the basement?"

She turned to their Social Media Director, Frogger, who showed her a tablet with the Twitter feed as it updated live with people's reactions to the stream.

"Shush, dear. We're in public," Hori decried. "Plus, that was our little secret," he whispered.

"Which is precisely why I won't shut up. I have social media and the government on my side! I can call the cops on you and say you touched me, and they'll take everything!"

"Oh, yeah? I'll expose you for a liar. And then who'd believe you if I really did touch you, eh?"

"Actually, grandpa... they wouldn't have to know. I'd... like that very much," said Jill. "He-hearing that kind of turns me on."

Jill then turned to Frogger, who showed her the incoming Twitter feed.

Hitler_did_nothing_wrong: I don't watch crap daytime ads to be subjected to this perverted bullcrap!

TedNugentsBallsack: das where da party at jill

Jigglypuff_luvr: Jill once again pushing boundaries of taste. Stop trying so hard to achieve relevance. It's sadder than bloody constipation after Thanksgiving dinner.

NAMBLAss_honker: incest is best 10/10 would bang

Grassholery: RT JillDozer: Your bad joke should have stayed in another castle! Return to obscurity. Mark my words: SBC's new $#!+ show is gonna be a one-season wonder.

"Why, those foul turds!" Takamaru exclaimed as he peeked over Jill's shoulder. "Humorless cretins."

"It's a reality show," Bayonetta addressed the confused Smash Hopefuls. "Mr. Hori here just won the biggest gamble in the history of Smash Bros. betting. He put his entire savings on the line for one ticket, and it paid off a hundredfold."

Taizo adjusted his collar. "Tha's right. I bet it all that it was gonna end with a bang, not a whimper! A nuclear bang, to be precise! Had a feelin' you'd make it through, in the end, ya witchy woman," he told Bayonetta with a sly wink.

The Umbran Witch blew him a kiss. "It is known, Mr. Hori. You're officially responsible for the most ridiculous win in the history of sports betting, especially because the money came through before the establishment of the ninety percent tax."

"THE WHAT?" demanded Bomberman. "Who's getting taxed to the what?"

"Everyone is," Impa said. "Nine-tenths of their income. To fund the military."

"What do we need that for, dude?" asked Crash. "We've got the Smashers here to defend us. They're practically an army unto themselves."

"You'll have to ask the Supreme Overlord to explain her logic," Bayonetta concluded. "Anyway, back to Mr. Hori's win. Ever seen the film 'Let it Ride'?"

The crowd was silent.

"Oh, posh. With Richard Dreyfuss? It may be his most entertaining movie."

But the Hopefuls only looked on as Jill and Taizo Hori continued their banter.

"I like a-you people," Taizo said. "You've got some o' the most interesting faces I've ever seen."

"It's because their models are more detailed than those of us side characters," said Chrono sadly.

Taizo cleared his throat. "What I mean is, I want to be a contributor here! Like a foul mutt marking its territory, let me immortalize my presence. Name a wing after me, or somethin'! Can I at least get a fountain with a nice bust?"

"Say no more, sir! We shall hush our muffins and accept your currency!" Takamaru responded, bowing on bended knee. "Pray, someone have the Jew- er, Toadsworth, draw it up immediately!"

"But granddaddy, why do you need a bust for, when I've got a growing pair?" Jill Dozer asked, rubbing up against his digital leg whilst touching her chest inappropriately.

"All right, I think I've seen enough of these icky jokers," said Simon Belmont to the others. "Where's my keys? I long to go to my room and..."

"Touch yourself?" Marle asked. "Perhaps I can join you."

Simon grinned. It appeared James Bond hadn't made it to the Smashgrounds. "I won't say no to that."

"Weren't we going on a date with Wonder-Blue?" Lucca asked Marle.

"Shyeah, Marle. Wonder-Red needs a double date for the movie," Wonder-Blue continued as they made their way down the hallway towards their rooms.

"I'll take a raincheck, Red," Marle said, walking up to Simon and taking his arm in hers.

Wonder-Red shrugged. You can't always get the girl. Or ever, in my case.

Lucca groaned as she unlocked her door and opened it to a sparsely decorated apartment. She turned to regard Wonder-Blue, who was walking down the hallway to his own dwelling.

"I hear there's a special dinner later," he told her. "Let's get there early and snatch up all the hors' d'oeuvres."

She smiled in response. "Definitely."


V. I Can't Let You Go

Rayman had no sooner reached his room when he shut the door, dropped his duffel bag, and collapsed onto the king-sized bed.

"Take me away, Mister Sandman," he mumbled, and fell into a dream.


After that depressing lunch with Fiona, the Smashers all took off back to their rooms.

Mega Man frantically looked around for Princess Peach. She almost slipped away, but he power-slid between Ganon's legs and managed to catch up with her.

"Good mornin'!" he told Peach. "We still on for later tonight?"

"T-tonight...? Oh! Oh, of course!" she smiled, recalling just in time that she promised to go on a date with him after he took out Rayman's nuke the evening prior.

"You remembered!"

She patted his head. "You fought bravely, Mega Man. Shall we head into the city? What kind of food do you like?"

Mega Man held up an Energy Tank. "This is my bread an' butter. But I'm sure you have a favorite place."

"Several of them, actually. Tell you what? Let's meet by the speedboat docks at seven."

"Awesome!" Mega Man exclaimed, and kissed Peach's hand. "Smell ya later!"

She smiled at the cute gesture and continued walking to hers and Mario's shared room to liberate her stuff from her ex-boyfriend.

After ditching a camera drone, Peach entered the door and brought out her luggage.

As quickly as she could, she began packing her dozens of dresses and pairs and shoes. Most of the time she'd have an army of Toads help her with this work, but there was something cathartic about doing it all herself. At her behest, they were hanging out in the corners, dusting and polishing stuff.

Before long, Peach sensed that she was being watched and spun around to see who else but Mario leaning against the doorway, the bottle of Mr. Miyamoto's non-alcoholic substitute for Everclear Vodka in hand.

"I thought you were done drinking," she told him.

"I am," Mario replied, showing her that the bottle was capped. He walked on over and put it in his minibar. "Haven't touched a drop since the battle."

"I'm happy about that," said Peach, who continued to pack her sports outfits.

Mario couldn't take this much longer. "Is it really too late, honey?"

The Toads standing by listened in with bent ears.

"We've been through this so many times before... now that I remember... I just don't know what else there is to say."

"Tell me what you need to hear and I'll a-say it. I'd do anything to turn that frown of yours upside down. I want to give you a world of smiles. Give a-me one more chance," he begged. "All of our a-problems have been absolved."

"Resolved," Peach corrected him. "And I don't think they have. The issues in our relationship go further than Mother CAST's errors."

"Which is a-why we need a-to fix them." He took her hand. "We're meant for each other, darling."

Peach bit her lip. The feeling in her gut was like that of a woman discovering that she had a sinkhole in his stomach, a sinkhole that was swallowing her inside out.

"Mario, there's a lot that I've got to think about right now. Please don't make this harder than it already is."

Mario sat on the bed, eye level to Peach. "You're killing a-me here. You're stabbing me in the gut with a rusted blade a-dipped in poison."

"Save your crocodile tears," Peach chastised him. She snapped her travel luggage's latches closed. The sound hit Mario as if she were shutting the book on their whole relationship. She picked up her smallest piece of luggage, and the Toads rushed on over to grab the rest of the cases. "There's only so much one girl can take."

"So I guess this is farewell," he told her, standing atop the bed to appear strong.

"It'll never be farewell between us. Until the next game."

"Till the next game," Mario replied.

Once the door shut, he walked on over to the minibar and stared deeply into the containers of his alcoholic beverages. He looked from one bottle to the other, recalling their individual tastes and quirks.

Then he trashed the minibar, fully and completely.

"FUCK!" he exclaimed, tossing his Crown Royal Maple Finished Canadian Whisky onto the floor. The bottle shattered, and the sweet smell of alcohol filled the air.

"Goddamnit..." Mario grumbled. He didn't want to breathe in those fumes.

The plumber changed his outfit to his Hawaiian shirt and shorts and left the room.

I'm going fucking golfing.


VI. True Courage

Ganondorf opened the doors to his man-cave, a room that just screamed 'nerdy bachelor pad'. An entire wall was actually a shelf lined with manga. Stacks of hard drives stored his many perverted voyeur videos.

He took a seat at the desk and plugged in his laptop. The King of Darkness plugged in HDMI and audio cables to hook his laptop up to a video projector and 5.1 sound system, brewed himself a cup of coffee and worked on his Smash dating sim, fine-tuning the Samus storyline.

When he stood up to piss, he remembered to take some DNA samples of Prof. E. Gadd's blood from his pauldrons and send them off to the lab.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Ganon checked his very own creation, a GPS "Marauder's Map" app on his phone, which showed real-time readings of all the other Smashers' locations.

"Yoshi!" Ganon said aloud as he saw the name. "I assume you've got the goods. Lurk not in the shadows, green one."

The door creaked open and the Yoshi walked forth confidently, a duffel bag in hand. He put the bag down and withdrew an SD card from the front pocket. Yoshi then tossed the SD card at his boss, who caught it between two fingers and slotted it into his laptop.

"Yoshi Yoshi!" (Got some good things on that card for ya, stranger!)

"That remains to be seen, McYoshi," said Ganon.

"Yoshi! (I want ten percent.)

"We agreed on three."

Yoshi handed Ganon a ziplock bag: within it was the pair of panties he stole off Peach in Chapter Twelve. Ganon promptly sniffed the underwear to be sure it was unsoiled. Pink, silken, and frilled, it had the most pleasant natural pussy smell.

"Not bad," said the Gerudo King. "Gotta say, a prime specimen. Let's see the footage."

Finally, Ganon saw Link and Zelda's epic fuck video. As seen from atop a remote-controlled car, the couple was banging up against the rack of Fairy Bottles in Bowser's Flagship's storage room.

"Good angles. Decent sound quality... yes..."

Yoshi's eyes wandered to Ganon's crotch region, hoping that the black market porn dealer might pop a stiffy, especially given a rumor he'd heard about Ganon's fixation on Princess Zelda. But he was fresh out of luck, as no tenting occurred from underneath those tight pants.

"Very well. I'll give you five percent on the video, and two hundred coins for the panties."

"Five hundred!" Yoshi exclaimed.

"For five hundred, I expect you to (A) be a hot woman, and (B) get down on your knees and suck my dick," said Ganon.

"Yoshi!" (Be reasonable, man!)

"Perhaps I can fulfill that request of yours," a familiar female voice echoed around the room.

"Who?" Ganon exclaimed, before recognizing the laughter that followed. "Midori-chan? How'd you get in here?"

After drying her hands off with a towel, the Goddess Palutena popped her head out from Ganondorf's bathroom. "A few little birds have told me that you're immensely shy about your body."

"That's a... complete understatement," Ganon replied. It took all his courage to keep from bolting as she walked slowly and sexily towards him.

Palutena touched Yoshi on the nose and winked at him. She then pulled out Solid Snake's M9 tranquilizer gun and shot the dinosaur twice on the nose. Yoshi plopped down onto the floor, asleep immediately.

"How the hell did you get that?" Ganondorf asked her, backing up towards the door. He grabbed a Ray Gun and aimed it at the Goddess.

"I have my ways. It's been a while since any man's ever tried to hide from me. If there's one thing I do like, dear Ganon, it's a challenge."

Ganon fired the Ray Gun. Palutena's Reflect bounced it off and stunned him long enough for her to Jump-Glide on over and pounce on top of him, pinning him onto his shaggy carpet floor.

"What are you doing?!" Ganon demanded.

He squirmed, but Palutena shushed him by kissing him deeply. With her right hand, she used her staff to hold Ganon's arms into place.

She sat atop his lower belly and began to slide her crotch back and forth over his hips, moving lower and lower as she continued to grind, like a deadly pendulum.

"I'm going to make us both feel fantastic," said Palutena breathlessly.

Ganondorf tried to move his arms, but Palutena cast a spell that froze his wrists to the ground. Various trapping spells having taken effect, she put down her staff and began massaging his pectoral muscles with her delicate hands.

"You can't do this..." Ganon told her. "This... is against my will..."

"Then I'll have to make you beg for release," Palutena pouted, and then fluttered her eyelashes. "It's okay. I'm a patient Goddess."

She made out with him some more, and even whispered dirty things into his ears.

"Let me guess. Deep down you're so dirty, you hide yourself away here. Afraid to be found. Afraid that your guard will slip, that someone might stumble upon you and see what you really are."

"I... I don't need your psychoanalysis," Ganon groaned.

"Don't fight it," said Palutena. "Please. All I want is to spread my love in the purest forms imaginable. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

"Rumi..." Ganon said. "You're quoting Rumi."

"If my body can't turn you on, maybe my brain can," Palutena replied with a knowing smile. "You do have a thing for Zelda, after all, don't you?"

"You don't know me!" Ganondorf cursed her.

"Not yet. Not until you're inside of me."

Palutena undid her brooch and let her toga and accessories drape, and then fall off of her body. She slid down her panties and touched the wetness between her legs.

"Look at how wet you make me."

"You're not the first one to try and do this..." Ganon said, remembering the many women who'd thrown themselves onto him in the past. He fought them off limb by limb, and this time would be no different.

Ganondorf kept the tears in.

I need to man up. Fight her magic. Why am I always feeling down? Why am I always so afraid? Why... why have I given up hope?

"I'm not here to hurt you," Palutena replied, and then began singing the song that started to form in Ganon's subconscious. "What is it you're afraid of? It's okay, you could say I'm afraid too... in the same way..."

Ganon's eyes widened. "Is that... 'True Courage' from Rhapsody... A Musical Adventure?"

"Wait, you actually know that game, too?!" she exclaimed, starry-eyed.

"I know... more than I care to admit about NiS tactical RPG games for the PSX."

"I give up hope... I just can't cope... can't hold my own much longer... You're not alone..." Palutena continued. "So just hang on... you must try to be stronger..."

"GYYYYYEAAAAAHHHH!" he yelled, and strained against her shackles. They were straining to hold him in.

"Oh, no, you don't!" Palutena screamed, and rubbed up against him even faster as the rest of the lyrics played themselves out in his head.

You can overcome life's ups and downs
You can turn your life around

"Ah!" exclaimed Ganon. "It... it feels great..."

He stopped trying to fight her gyrating hips and instead matched her movements.

That's the meaning of true courage
So please remember...

But just as the rhythm was heating up, Palutena did the unthinkable. She pulled down Ganondorf's pants before he could so much as protest.

The Gerudo King gasped in shock at what she'd done.

"NO! SHIT! STOP!"

There was no lie in Palutena's eyes. She covered her mouth to keep Ganon from seeing the level of surprise in her face.

At first, she wasn't sure what she was looking at. But then she blinked a couple of times and gently parted his pubic hair.

Ganondorf's penis was standing fully erect at two-and-a-quarter inches. It was almost as wide as it was tall.

"Wow."

"Do you get it now?!" he yelled, tears streaming down his face. "It's almost a chode! My dick is microscopic! It's humiliating!"

But Palutena merely stroked his chiseled jaw and neck with a straight face. "It's adorable, Ganondork. There's no need to be ashamed."

"You're... not laughing..." Ganon observed. For years he had convinced himself that the first reaction any woman would have to his penis would be to burst out into sadistic mockery.

"Of course not," said Palutena, who began using her thumb and forefinger to stroke Ganon's fat chode. "Sure, it's smaller than I'm used to, but we'll make it work."

Relief washed over Ganondorf like waves from the Fountain of Youth as his deepest fears were dispatched. Palutena took his tiny cock into her mouth. Her warm breath and perfect tongue teased his dick better than he could have ever imagined.

She looked at him with innocent eyes and massaged his testicles with her gentle fingers.

Don't you ever give up trying
Be courageous, keep on striving
Fly to the stars
You can have hope for tomorrow

"AHHHH!" Ganondorf moaned. "It feels fuckin' fantastic!"

"Tee hee, oh you so tasty," Palutena teased him.

The Goddess stuck her left index finger in his asshole and began tickling his prostate.

"Whoa! Whoa, that's not right... it feels so weird..."

So let's hold hands with one another
We can both take one step further
Dreams can come true
Find the hope that's deep inside
Find the strength that keeps your dreams alive...

Palutena slobbered all over his shaft and continued to pump it with her mouth. This went on for a while.

"You're lasting surprisingly long," she told him. "Are you nervous?"

"Haaaahhh... maybe..."

"Release that tension," she commanded, and then climbed on top of him again, straddling his dick. "Wave goodbye as it goes fluttering away, like a band you once sang the praises of but now realize is a blemish upon civilization and must be eliminated."

She gazed deeply into his eyes as she lowered herself onto him.

His dick slipped into Palutena like Cinderella in her glass slipper.

"Ahh! You're so perfect, baby! You're hitting my G-spot head-on!"

Palutena pressed her whole body against Ganondorf's and rubbed her hips up and down, sliding his cock in and out, in and out, two inches at a time. Her clitoris slammed hard against his pubic bone, prompting her to bite her lips hard.

The Goddess' lower lips swallowed and unleashed Ganon's penis over and over again. Her eyes rolled back into her head as if she were being exorcised.

"It feels so fuckin' awesome!" Ganon cried. "YEAH! Don't stop!"

"That's my line!" Midori-chan teased. She slowed her grinding and started squeezing Ganon's dick with her vaginal muscles. She got its head in a death-grip.

"How do you like your first time? Is it everything you always wanted?"

"And then some! Ahhh! I dunno how much longer I can hold on."

"In that case, I want a creampie," she demanded. "And you wouldn't dare take that away from me. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"Actually, I think I would," Ganon smiled. "But you've been such a good sport, I'm only happy to oblige."

He exploded into her cunny, his scrotum emptying its contents with enough force that Palutena felt as if a fire hose was erupting inside of her.

"OH MY! Don't stop!" she wailed. "Let the spice flow!"

He didn't, and the more Ganon spurted, the more sensitive his tiny purple-headed yogurt-slinger became, until it was chafed and polished at the tip, like an overly-varnished knob.

When Palutena collapsed beside Ganondorf atop her clothing, she lifted her leg and spread her lips just to show him how much of his come was streaming out of her. It was rushing like a waterfall.

"Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Anderson," she said in a spot-on impression of Hugo Weaving, rather dazed from her mind-blowing orgasm.

"Your clothes... they're getting stained."

"I've got many more like it," Palutena explained, and looked deep into Ganon's eyes. "See, that wasn't so bad, was it?"

It took a while for Ganondorf to respond. Coming down from his euphoric climax, he was still in a state of absolute bliss.

"Lady Palutena... I... I was blind with fear... fear and self-hatred... for years... and all along... if only I knew the kind of beauty 3D women are capable of... I... I don't know how to thank you."

"Shush," Palutena told him, stroking his manly muscles. "Devirginizing you was its own reward."

"But... did you come yet?"

Palutena giggled. "Only about three times, silly."

"Ah."

"Which reminds me... how long until you're ready to go again?"


VII. Why Can't This Be Love?

After lunch, Snake followed Samus over to the Training Room, where they fell into their usual exercise routine.

"Feminist conspiracy aside, everything seems right again," Zero Suit Samus told him in between sit-ups. "Like the last three months didn't even happen."

Snake continued to hold her feet down. "Yeah. I'm just happy Sakurai was cool enough to let us cut veterans stay. Huh. My M9 Tranquilizer gun... it's missing."

"You mean Fiona's lackeys didn't take it?"

"Nah. Must have been a pickpocket. You just hit a hundred. Shall we practice CQC?"

"You know it."

And so, Snake and Samus worked on their hand-to-hand combat.

Snake got her in a hold, and Samus responded by tripping him. As he fell backwards, she performed a backflip that ended in a Judo throw to get him off her back.

Snake went flying into the bleachers, and just barely caught himself.

"Nice," he informed Samus. "Let's see what happens when you make the first move."

They got back into neutral position and Samus opened with a dash attack. Snake shielded, grabbed her, and tossed her away. Samus pushed off the bleachers and into her flip-kick. She soared in an arc above Snake and was about to land her heel on his head. With impeccable timing, Snake ground-dodged, and then grabbed the bounty hunter. He tossed her into a back-throw, and then back-aired her into the side of the gym.

Samus adjusted her ponytail. "Heh, well done."

"Try again, and mind the lag."

The duo practiced for a good thirty minutes before the sound of Little Mac and Captain Falcon arguing in the locker room startled them out of the zone.

"Get your eyes off me!" Little Mac screamed. "Keep 'em where I can see 'em!"

"What's up with you all of a sudden, brah?" Captain Falcon asked. "You eat one too many chilies for lunch? Lay off."

"Get outta my beeswax!" Mac yelled.

"I already am," Falcon replied, and left the room.

"Wonder what that was about?" asked Samus.

Snake shrugged and offered his jug of water as the duo extended their break.

"Thanks, David," said Samus after she had a hearty chug.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Snake asked.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"Just... why do you want to hang out with me? What's your game?"

"I... I guess I just wanted things to be like old times."

"Really."

Samus wiped herself off with a towel.

"Yeah, really. I know I shouldn't get to say this after breaking up with you and all... but... back then... I might have made a mistake."

"Hmmm. Seems you're still talking in the past tense. If you want to get back together, you could just ask."

"I do... want to... but I'm also kind of confused. And it has nothing to do with you."

"You're seeing Peach after hours."

Samus fumbled the towel. "WAIT! You knew?! No one but she and I..."

"Give me a little credit," Snake said. "I've defeated nuclear-equipped, walking battle tanks. Saved the world several times. Keeping tabs on your relationship status with all those camera feeds and spies at our disposal was child's play."

Interrupting their conversation, in the hallway, they could see a guy in a cute Ridley mascot costume wrestling with a shorter figure in a Metal Gear Rex costume.

"Pew! Pew!" Metal Gear Rex shouted, tossing wooden arrows at the Space Pirate menace.

But the guy in the Ridley outfit slipped on a stray arrow and landed on one that stuck to his chest.

"YEEOOOWCH!"

"Don't break character!" Metal Gear Rex whispered.

At this point, the guy in the Ridley outfit had had enough. He simply dropped his entire weight onto the Metal Gear Rex guy, pinning him to the floor. But the guy in the Rex outfit merely kicked his opponent in the 'nads. Before long, they were chasing themselves back out the other end of the hallway.

"Well.. I... I don't know what to say..."

"Neither do I." Snake took her hand. "Sammy... you don't have to say anything. If it bothered me too much to talk about, do you think I'd even bring it up?"

"But it... does bother you... even a bit?" Samus probed.

"I'll be honest. I know enough about you and Peach, and human sexuality, to presuppose that you're both experimenting with something neither of you have really done: an intense same-sex relationship. It's clear you two need each other right now. I don't want to get in the way of that."

"You wouldn't be," Samus explained. "We're not exclusive, and we... well... I mean, the things we do... the things we talk about... it's... it's all about the lovemaking. Really hot lovemaking."

"These are the kinds of stories I'd like to stick around to hear," said Snake, sparking up a cigarette. "The secret life of Samus Aran."

Samus took his empty hand in hers. "Maybe I'm being selfish... but I really would like for you to stick around. Be my boyfriend again, David."

"Nothing would make me happier."

They embraced.

"Can't say I've been in a relationship like this before. It'll be fun. I wonder what Peach will think."

"You can ask her yourself. She's always had a thing for you."

"You're kidding."

Samus made a mock-angry face. "WELL! No need to look so excited!"

Snake put out the cigarette and popped a couple of Altoids into his mouth. "Heh. I'm letting my imagination run wild. You guys can probably teach me a thing or two."

"Teach the Legendary Solid Snake? As if."

Samus had no sooner finished what she was saying than Snake picked her up by the hips, walked up to a pillar, and pushed her back against it.

By this time, Samus' legs were already firmly wrapped around his back.

Snake's hot breath ran down her neck as his fingers unzipped the Zero Suit. She moaned as he finally reached her sex. His fingers found it already warm and waiting.

"Forgive me if imagining the two of you together really turns me on," Snake said.

"There's nothing to forgive, silly. I am so ready for a threesome."

Samus twitched against Snake's fingers as he nimbly guided her into her first climax, all the while kissing her until she was out of breath.

After some intense tongue action, Snake finally managed to squeeze his penis out of the sneaking suit and rub it up against Samus' opening.

While she was recovering from her high, she slowly sheathed Snake's shaft in her womanly private place, purring at the touch.

He pounded her hard. Grabbed her ponytail and pulled it as he nipped at her neck.

"Owww!" she cried, but it was a good hurt.

Snake began thrusting slowly at first, teasing the bounty hunter and steadying his rhythm. It wasn't long before she was able to match his movements, using her legs and back as leverage to squeeze and bounce upon his eight-inch phallus even as it enveloped her.

"YES! AHHH! David... you complete me..." she said. "When you're inside like this..."

Samus' breasts bounced heavenly with her breath. Snake ramped up his thrusting to maximum speed. Ms. Aran's ass was getting raw as her cheeks slammed repeatedly into Snake's chiseled thighs.

"Love me, Snake!"

"I do!"

"Then give me your seed!"

"YES!"

Samus twitched from her wave of orgasms as Snake filled her up.


"All right, I think I got it set up right," King Dedede told the others.

Olimar, Lucario, Ike, Kirby, Game and Watch, Melville, and Meta-Knight all held their breath. Two bongs were both filled to the brim and in rotation, the console was now good to go, and they could finally start the game.

"So, this weed stuff you're talkin' about... what's it like?" Melville asked, wide-eyed.

"Try it yourself!" Olimar insisted, and passed the bong.

Meanwhile, the screen finally loaded up and the intro to Super Smash Bros. for the Wii U started to play.

Lucario flexed his muscles. "Awww yeah! Prepare to have your asses handed to ya!"

"That's me!" Kirby yelled every time his pink visage appeared on-screen.

"Yeah, we get it, sheesh," Meta-Knight finally said.

King Dedede distributed the GameCube controllers to Lucario, GW, Meta-Knight, and Olimar. He took the Wii U Pro Controller for himself, handed Ike the GamePad, and passed Wii Remote + Nunchuks to Kirby and Melville.

"Aight, we missin' anything?" Dedede asked as they set up an 8-Player Smash game.

"Just your dignity," quipped Olimar. "Oh, wait. You don't have any."

"I'll make ya eat them Pikmin o' yours," Dedede retorted.

"Shut up, guys!" Ike yelled. "How the fuck did you put your name in like that?"

"You gotta click here," Lucario told him telepathically.

"Wow, that was a strong hit. And man... do I really look that creepy?" Melville asked, kind of shocked.

"Nigga, you creepier than John Waters himself," stated Dedede.

"BEEP BOOP!" Mr. Game and Watch cried.

"He's wonderin' why he's missin' from the roster," Olimar translated.

"Maybe there are unlockable characters," Lucario pointed out. "Yeah, he must be. Falco isn't even on here."

"Someone check GameFAQS for unlock conditions!" Dedede requested.

"Internet's down, numbnuts," said Kirby. "Plus, this is a pre-release version. Sakurai's still workin' on the final build."

Meta-Knight looked Mr. Game and Watch in his non-existent eyes. "Guys! What if GW was cut at the last second, like the Climbers?"

"BRIIIIIIIING!" (Don't even joke like that!)

Dedede played peacemaker. "Yeah, man. That ain't cool. And Kirby, pick a fuckin' character already!"

"Jesus, wait!" Kirby screamed. "I'm so confused. I mean, I probably should try myself out first, right?"

"It doesn't matter! You're gonna be playing this game for the next seven years! Just pick someone!"


A/N: Thank you so much for reading! If you have the time, please let me know what you liked or didn't and be sure to check out the next chapter!