I am sorry for the late update, especially when I said it would be soon. I've been traveling and also I was so angry about the emmy nominations this year. Mariska's performance was off the walls and it's a shame she wasn't recognized. I thought I was going to end the story with just one more chapter but I'm going to prolong it for just a while more. Excuse any typos, as I was writing most of this in a moving car in the middle of no where. Take your time to review.
Chapter 29: Fear
"Amanda, I need you to do a favor"
"Sure Cap, what can-"
"I want you to take Olivia to the closest clothing store, she should be able to come home in comfortable clothes." Captain says
Amanda looks around at the squad. They're sitting at a rectangular table that seats six, but only five sit. In the restaurant that they sit in, they wait for Martindale to call in when Olivia is out of the hospital.
"We all know she isn't much with connecting with the other women in the squad room, we know her more of an independent person, but Amanda, I just want her to have a connection, be comfortable with someone at least."
"I understand, should I call him and tell him to just meet me at the hotel ?"
"That would be good, just be make her comfortable, I don't want her to-"
Captain stares at Rollins who is already off her chair and halfway to the door. He smirks a bit and takes a sip of his sprite.
"Alright, we're just about to leave, I just stopped to get coffee."
Martindale hangs up his phone and opens the door to exit. Olivia decided to stay in the car, not wanting to get out. She had left the hospital in a pair of black sweat pants and a navy colored sweatshirt. He steps onto the sidewalk and crosses the street with his hands occupied with two coffee cups.
Once he makes his way to the car, he steps around to the drivers side, putting one of the coffee cups on the roof. The door opens to the car and gets the cups, placing one of them in the cup holder and holding the other.
Olivia sits in the passengers seat, arms crossed and staring ahead.
"Tea and two sugars right?"
"Yeah." She responds, unfolding her arms and taking the cup with two hands
Martindale closes the door and sits there, reaching for his coffee.
Olivia takes a sip and mumbles a thank you to him. He notices that there is still a uncomfortable atmosphere between them. The engine starts up and he pulls out of the parking spot and into the lane.
"I'll drive you to the hotel."
Olivia nods and doesn't say a word, she's just glad she's out of the hospital room.
It's a ten minute ride of silence that Olivia endures. She doesn't care whether Martindale comes up with her or not, she just wants to get up to the hotel room. It's a hotel that's simple but elegant with a big lobby. Martindale guides her to the elevators, moving past some stares, considering the fact that her face has been plastered over the news for a while.
"The others are roomed on the different floors but Amanda's room is a door down from yours, and I'm across the hallway right down there."
Another nod from Olivia. Martindale opens the door for her and she steps inside as he closes the door behind her. Too many memories come to mind when she steps into the room. Hotels and occasionally a car would be where she was sent to do work. She shrugs it off and only sits down on the bed that is made with fresh linens.
"You want anything?"
"No, I'm fine for now."
Martindale doesn't try to make too much of a conversation until he hears a knock at the door. He looks through the eye hole and sees Rollins standing outside looking to the side.
He opens the door a bit to talk through a small crack.
"Is she okay with me here?" Rollins asks, making sure Olivia doesn't hear
Olivia doesn't hear anyways, she's in her own world.
"Who is it?" Olivia asks, eyeing Broderick who turns around to look at her
"It's Rollins, mind if she-"
"I don't really mind." She says
Olivia does mind, but she's too tired to say no.
Martindale opens the door and Rollins steps in, wearing a white blouse with a light brown leather jacket paired with navy jeans.
Rollins immediately knows to avoid conversation about how she is, because she's sure Olivia feels like shit.
"Thought I'd take you to get some clothes, can't go home in just sweats."
Olivia would rather not go out, she'd rather just sleep without having to worry about waking up with Alex hovering over her. Right now, she really doesn't give a shit because of her exhaustion.
"Alright." She says, letting out a shaky answer
Rollins looks at Broderick with a worried, kind of questioning look.
"Okay, well should we start heading out?"
Olivia shrugs.
Martindale exits the hotel room with them and hands the key card to Olivia who tucks it into her sweatshirt pocket. He leaves the two women in the hallway while he enters his own room down the hallway. Olivia and Amanda head for the elevator. Amanda is quiet, not really having had any time to really get to know Olivia, she wanted to take the opportunity to get on her good side, to make sure that Olivia knew that Amanda was there for her.
Olivia eyes Amanda's gun and badge on the right side of her hip while they wait for the elevator to reach the lobby. Once they reach the elevator, they walk past the managers desk and out the door. Amanda steps around the front of a parked car that's in front of the building and waits for Olivia to open the door herself. Both of them enter the car and shut the doors.
"I saw a store near here, thought we could get you something to wear on the way back."
Five minutes into the ride, Olivia interrupts the silence by taking a blank CD and putting it into the slot. She pushes play and a tune starts to play. Amanda looks over at Olivia's reaction.
Olivia is smiling, barely, but she is slightly laughing.
"What's so funny?" Amanda asks, cracking a smile on her face
"These guys? Aren't they from the 60's?"
"What the four seasons?"
"Yeah, I mean you weren't even born then."
Olivia is in mid laughing while trying to talk to Amanda.
"No need to make fun of me, I love them."
Olivia shakes her head in a joking manner.
"Never could of guessed it."
Amanda and Olivia continue to drive down the road, listening to Sherry. Somehow, Olivia secretly loved this song, and only sang along in her head, forgetting everything. The blonde detective is happy to come to friendlier terms with the strong headed brunette who usually keeps to herself.
"Okay, we're here."
Amanda parks the car in a parallel spot and exits the car, waiting for Olivia to exit. Olivia is eventually on the side of Amanda, while they enter the store, it's pretty fancy, but Amanda has a card that's used for the NYPD for needs.
Within an hour and a half or so, they had finally come to a close at the register, where a young woman checked the items. The clothes came to a slightly big price. Amanda gave the credit card to woman and signed. They exited the store.
"I thought you meant just some clothes to wear when we get back, I didn't know an entire wardrobe." Olivia says, smiling just a bit
She knows Amanda is probably seeing right through her as she tries to hide everything inside.
I'm still the Olivia Benson you know.
"Well, thought I'd get you a few things, you did drop a few-"
Amanda stops mid sentence, afraid she might trigger something for Olivia. Olivia takes notice.
"Sizes, I know."
"Sorry-"
"You don't have to apoligize, it's fine."
Amanda and Olivia reach the car eventually and Amanda offers to put the bags in the trunk. They get back in the car and Amanda starts the engine, while the music continues where it had stopped.
"Thank you." Olivia says, after turning the radio down
"Our flight leaves 'round six am tomorrow, we'll wake you up with a call."
"Alright, thanks for the clothes."
"I have room for the extras in my luggage if you want."
Olivia nods and Amanda smiles a bit. Her hand is on the handle of the door and slightly opens in before she looks back at Olivia, who sits on her bed.
"You okay for tonight?"
"Yeah, I'll be okay."
If she can sleep.
Amanda nods and closes the door, leaving Olivia alone in the hotel. Olivia had said she wasn't hungry, but Amanda insisted that they pick up something just in case. Olivia didn't bother to argue. Now, she was staring at the to go box sitting on the desk that was in the room. She'd appreciate it later.
Martindale had left a list of room numbers on the desk. Olivia gets up, grabbing the paper and sitting down at the desk chair. She scans for Fin's room number. She dials it, hearing three rings before someone picks up.
"Hello?" Amaro's voice says
She hadn't had the guts to speak to her own partner yet. The only thing she had been able to say was thank you and that was yesterday. Her partner was going to look, speak, and behave around her differently, and it would hurt the most compared to the rest of her squad. After Sealview, Elliot had treated her differently from then on. He made sure to not press her buttons about it, always prying her open little by little. Sure, she hadn't told him anything, but he suspected something. Olivia had always blocked him out and had been able to deal with things by herself, but Elliot knew better. Now, she can't believe she isn't able to talk to Nick.
She hangs up the phone. They must be sharing a room. Fin was the only one that knew most of her inner secrets, but she never told him the details. She was able to tell Fin more of anything than Elliot.
I'll just go to sleep.
It had been a night of sleepless eyes for the squad. They all managed to wake up at the right time though. Olivia had gotten the phone call and was already dressed before the phone call. She had managed to sleep about two and a half hours. The plane wasn't huge, but it was enough to fit about a hundred people, only filled with rows for two. The squad had came separately in cars, meeting each other at the gate. Olivia had traveled with Martindale, while Munch and Cap had their own car. Fin, Rollins, and Amaro had their own way to get there as well. She was relieved that she didn't have to face them just yet.
The plane boards and Martindale and Olivia are the first of the squad to board. She's assigned a window seat next to Martindale while the others are spread throughout the plane.
"I can put your carry on up there for you." Martindale says, seeing Olivia eye the compartments above the seats
"Thanks." She responds, barely audible to understand
Martindale puts it in the compartment, checking that it's closed. People wait behind them, waiting for them to sit down.
"Mind if I take the aisle seat?" Olivia asks, quietly.
"Sure." Martindale says, moving from his seat while he switched with Olivia. Ever since her presence with Alex and Damien on the plane, she wanted to have an open side next to her. Usually she liked the window seat, but she wanted to be able to have space around her.
Munch and Captain are only a few rows behind them. Rollins sits across from Olivia, who is also in the aisle seat. Amaro and Fin board the plane and stop at the row that Olivia is at.
"Coffee?" Amaro says, holding two coffee cups out.
Rollins and Olivia take the cups, and thank him while Fin and Amaro continue to their seats.
It had been an hour into the flight and some people were asleep while others were entertained by thoughts invading them. Olivia is one of them. She looks over at Martindale who stares out the window. Then she turns her head to Amanda, who is asleep with headphones on.
"Broderick?" She asks
He turns his head from the window and looks at Olivia, but only to profile of her. She gazes away from his face but continues to talk to him.
"Hm?"
The words come out of her mouth before she can think about them.
"That stuff you said at the night club-"
"Was it true?" He fills in
"Yeah..."
He takes a deep breath and let's it out. Olivia sees the emotion draw to his face.
"It was true, all of it."
Olivia looks him in the eyes for a brief moment.
"Did you ever try for another?"
Martindale grips his left hand, and then his ring finger that is now bare.
"No, Charlotte didn't feel the need to look forward to another possible miscarriage. She became depressed after we buried Tegan."
"Who came up with Tegan?"
"She did, of course. Charlotte was one for unique things, she had the nursery set up nearly three weeks after we found out we were expecting."
Olivia continues to listen, not wanting to interrupt him.
"The day she came back from the hospital, she went into the nursery and stayed there for a while, not wanting to come out..."
"I'm sorry." Olivia says
"It's alright."
"I don't understand." Olivia comments
"Understand what? Why I seem so fearless? Maybe it's a cop thing."
He continues before he lets Olivia mouth a word.
"That might have a lot to do with it, but you know, I probably don't show fear, but I suffer from fear like everyone else."
Martindale continues.
"I mean, you don't know if you're gonna have to go through life constantly afraid to take that extra step, to finally face your fears and make it across the bridge. It only takes time, and we need to use time as a tool. It's been nearly three years and I've learned that healing is a matter of time, but is sometimes also a matter of opportunity."
Olivia breaks her connection with Martindale as he returns to his window, only staring out at the clouds. Olivia sinks into the chair, pulling the blanket over her shoulder.
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