A/N - Okay I have been over this one so many times and I can't see straight anymore. So I figured better to get it out there now and move on (no pun actually intended believe it or not) to the next thing. Hope you enjoy.


Chapter 29 - Borderline

"Dammit Kensi, what the hell were you doing?" Callen almost yelled when the door to Kensi's apartment closed behind them. "You got yourself trapped. You could've been … You could've been killed."

Callen ran his hands through what little hair he had. He noted the sand from the desert still there, which set him off even more as it reinforced what had happened. He'd managed to hold it together until they were alone, then the fear and terror came back full force.

"I knew you and Sam we're on your way. You had our backs."

Callen swung around and glared at Kensi.

"What if we weren't there soon enough? He'd already loaded that grenade. Ten more seconds and that would've been it. You'd have been gone." Callen shook his head at her. "You take too many risks."

From the moment the call with Kensi had ended, when they'd told him they'd found the marines and were going in, he'd had this dread settle in the pit of his stomach. It had grown bigger the longer it had taken to get to her. He was surprised he hadn't lost it sooner. He knew Deeks was with her, that she wasn't alone. But they didn't really know Deeks properly yet. Plus, Deeks wasn't him.

"Me?" Kensi looked at him in disbelief. "What about you? You put yourself in danger all the time."

"This isn't about me. I wasn't the one trapped with no way out and multiple people firing at me." The painful tightening of his chest at the thought of her caught and trapped came over him again. When he couldn't see her, after they'd landed and taken down the bad guys, the terror that they were too late flared until she called and came out of the vehicle. Her voice had reassured him at little. At least until he'd gotten a good look at the vehicle she had emerged from, bullet holes and all. How one hadn't hit her he didn't know. He was sure the vehicle she was in was the next grenade target.

"Callen come off it," Kensi protested. "This is what we do."

"No," Callen shook his head sharply. "It was stupid. What kind of mother are you going to make if you don't think about keeping yourself alive?"

Kensi's eyes widened.

Oh shit. Callen thought.

He knew he'd messed up the moment the words were out of his mouth. Today had been hard. With their recent talks about children he'd been trying to process things, trying to find a way to move forward and face his fears. Hell, he'd even considered talking to Nate about it, he'd just needed Nate back in the office which obviously wasn't happening anytime soon. The look on Kensi's face had another thought flash through his mind. Perhaps he wouldn't need that talk after all. Callen opened his mouth to apologise. Kensi shook her head and pointed to the door.

Kensi, breathe.

Kensi heard James' voice clear in her ear. It wasn't faint. It was firm and though she knew by the tone he wouldn't let her ignore it, she did. Breathe now he demanded of her. She continued to ignore him.

Kensi's fingers flicked between Callen and the door, her intense gaze reinforced the movement by doing the same. She was furious, hurt and something else she didn't want to put into words but she knew exactly what it was, the hope for her - their - future within her starting to slip away.

Kensi, please. This voice she couldn't ignore. Sweet, innocent and with a touch of worry that shouldn't be in any child's voice - alive or of the angel kind. So she breathed. Slowly, consciously and tried to let go of the anger that was masking the hurt.

Callen sighed, his shoulders dropped. He'd screwed up royally. He didn't need to be told, didn't need to think what this feeling was in his gut. He knew.

Kensi took another slow breath, dropped her arm, walked to the door and opened it.

Callen looked at her, opened his mouth again to try and say something. Kensi stared back at him, fury in her eyes. Callen noticed her breathing and knew it wouldn't take much for her to lose it with him. He wanted to say something, anything that would dig him out of the hole his careless words had put him in.

Kensi ushered with her hand for him to leave.

Kensi. James was back in her head. He doesn't know. He's scared. He's starting to see it all again with you, then today happens. Tell him. Better yet, show him.

Kensi was still too angry and mostly ignored him. But then the little one came back and pleaded with her. You promised me you wouldn't give up on him.

Kensi's resistance completely fell apart.

Callen turned to look at her when he'd crossed the threshold of her door. She shook her head.

"Not a word, Callen. Not a bloody word comes out of your mouth until I say so."

Confused, Callen watched Kensi follow him out the door, bag in hand. Unsure, he followed her; after all she hadn't actually told him to leave, though he did keep his mouth closed tight so he'd didn't screw up more.

Kensi opened the door to her car and looked across at him. "Get in the car, Callen."

He didn't hesitate.

Kensi drove. Not a word passed her lips unless it had to do with stopping him from talking, which happened a few times in the first ten minutes of wherever they were headed to.

"Good boy." Alex's voice whispered once he'd finally given up trying to say something.

"What do I do?" Callen asked Alex. "I screwed up."

"Ya think?"

"Help."

"G, you know what I always tell you to do with Kensi. You don't really need me to tell you again."

She was right, Callen knew. Though right now he wasn't sure if he'd get it right even then.

"Follow my heart. Follow my instincts."

"Yep. Add one more to that list for right now though. Follow her instructions. Now's not the time to fumble your way through an apology."

"So keep my mouth shut."

"Got it in one, smart boy."

Callen almost laughed out loud at that one. He hadn't been smart earlier. He been about as dumb as he could be.

"Not dumb, just terrified." Alex whispered to him, understanding in her voice. She knew him so well.

Kensi pulled into a parking lot and stopped the engine. She took a deep breath.

"Out."

Callen obeyed and followed her as she led them through the front door of an apartment block, into the elevator and up to the third floor. Straight across was a door to an apartment that she used one of her keys to open.

Still Callen said nothing.

It was empty, like it was waiting for someone to move in.

"Kitchen, living room, bathroom." Kensi moved across to the window. "Wonderful view of the park." She stayed there for a moment and Callen wondered what was going through her mind. He followed and looked down at the park; a park with children playing in it. He started to reach out to Kensi with his hand but she moved out of reach and continued what felt like a tour. She opened one of the doors that led off the lounge room.

"Master bedroom, en-suite. Nice big walk in wardrobe."

She moved to the next door and Callen dutifully followed, still not sure what was going on here, but he did feel that whatever was happening was big. Kensi opened it slowly and stepped just inside the door. Callen looked but didn't force his way past. Just an empty bedroom.

Kensi's voice was soft when she spoke. A touch of something in it Callen couldn't quite place.

"Supposed to be the nursery," she said.

Supposed to be?

"Kenz?" Callen whispered. There was so much going on and he was quite willing to admit that he was lost.

Kensi shook her head and placed a finger over his lips. Callen looked in her eyes and noticed the fury was gone, replaced with a deep sadness.

Kensi walked back over to the window in the lounge room and looked down at the park. Her hand rested gently on the window, like she was reaching toward something only she could see.

"This is where James and I lived. He wasn't supposed to be over there. He was supposed to be home with me prepping for the wedding. Things went wrong. They needed back up. Was only supposed to be for a week, two at the most. He was going to be home on time. He promised me."

Callen walked up to her and rested his hand on her lower back. She didn't flinch or pull away from his touch so he stayed and waited until she was ready to continue. He knew a fair amount about her relationship with James. There were definitely some things that she'd held back on. How he died had been one of them, brief and to the point only, keeping her emotions out of it. She'd always changed the subject fairly quickly at that point. He hadn't wanted to push. He figured she'd been patient with him so he'd give her the same consideration.

"They'd had casualties. Lots." Callen could hear the pain in her voice and his heart ached for her.

"A new team was almost ready to head over but they needed someone experienced to keep things together until they could get them home. James being James, and protecting others over himself, went out on patrol."

Kensi took a shaky breath before she continued. "I knew something was wrong. It was the first time I'd had a nightmare about him and his job, ever. When the uniforms knocked on the door the next day, I knew it was more than just a nightmare. That somehow, some part had known he wasn't coming back to me."

Callen wanted to say something even knowing he'd be breaking the rules.

Kensi looked at him and shook her head to stop him, a sad smile graced her face.

"I knew exactly what I was going to do with the nursery. Just as soon as we knew there was a reason." She turned more to face him than the window and Callen took her hands in his, stroked his thumbs over the back of her hand while she continued.

"You see we'd already decided once we were married, we wouldn't try and stop a baby happening. It was highly likely we would end up with a honeymoon baby after all we were going away for three weeks." Kensi smiled sadly. "But we also knew it might not happen and that was okay too. Because we didn't mind either way. We knew if we waited for a time when we were ready it would never happen. There would always be something to put having a child off for. His mission, mine, not the right time, right place, whatever. So we decided that we'd just deal with it when it happened. Not plan but not stop it either."

Kensi turned back to the window, her hands slipped out of his but she shifted her body so it was close to his and his arms slid around her. Callen was grateful when he felt the slight shift of her leaning into him, grateful that she was accepting his comfort, even after his screw up.

"Well, we did have a plan, of sorts," Kensi added. "The one with the most dangerous or least important job was going to quit to stay home. We'd worked out we could live on one wage if we were careful." She gave a slight chuckle. "Obviously I would have to cut down on how many shoes I bought but I could live with that."

She sighed and was silent for a minute or two. Callen couldn't wait any longer

"Kenz I -"

Kensi turned quickly and cut off his words. "Soon. Just one more thing."

Callen nodded and resumed his attentive silence.

"With us," Kensi indicated between the two of them, "that option isn't really doable since we work together. Bit hard to decide which of us has the most important job when it's the same thing. But the moment that stick turns pink ... if we go there ... I'll be handing in my resignation."

"What?"

Kensi nodded and then shrugged a little with a shake of her head. "Or maybe asking Hetty for a desk job. You see Callen, I'm not that crazy. Yes, I take risks now, but a baby in the mix? That's a whole different ball game. And I'll be doing everything I can not to strike out."

Kensi stopped, looked at him and waited.

Callen reached up, stroked away a tear or two that had fallen onto her cheek and slid his hands into her hair. He gently brought her forehead to his before he spoke softly.

"I'm sorry. I should never have said that. It's just that I can see it with you again. I want it. I.." Callen wasn't quite sure how to put into words what he wanted to say.

"It's okay. You freaked. I've done it too," Kensi reassured him.

Callen raised his head, tilted hers a little as he studied her face intently. "But you didn't this time. I thought you'd rake me over the coals, kick me out or … something." He'd been quite worried what that something might be.

"Oh I was going to do something alright. You can thank the angels on my shoulder for that rescue."

"James?"

"Yeah. And Lily. He reminded me you had no idea where I was at with kids except that I was hoping to have them with you one day."

"Oh." There was a pause before Callen asked, "Lily?"

"She just reminded me of a promise I made her. Him. I was ignoring him. Her," Kensi smiled with a small chuckle. "The proverbial snowball in hell. Callen, you know I would love to have children with you. I promised you though, we do it together or not at all. You know that. I know you worry about what might happen if we do and I'm not going to push you, but …" Kensi let out a long breath, "you needed to know this."

"I'm glad you told me."

Kensi smiled. There was still a touch of sadness in her eyes. Obviously it had been hard for her to do this. Callen kissed her gently, a reassuring comforting kiss. A promise of sorts.

"Let's go home," he said.

Kensi took his hand and led him from the apartment.

It was during the trip home that Callen heard a faint light-hearted laugh coming from the backseat. He had his eyes closed, after the day they'd had he was tired, both physically and emotionally. The scent of lilies was a giveaway who it was so he didn't need to look, though there was no guarantee he'd see the source anyway.

"What?" he asked his head.

"Kensi. She's perfect. Couldn't have picked better if I'd done it myself," Alex's voice reached his ears softly.

"For what? Your-"

Callen jumped as he felt a very Gibbs-like smack to the head. "Ow!" This wasn't said in his head. He was awake and his eyes most definitely open now but he didn't turn around.

"What?" Kensi looked across at him. "You okay, Callen?"

"Don't you dare think of calling her what I think you were about to say." Alex hissed at him, her voice far from a whisper.

"What did you think I was going to call her?"
"She is not my replacement."

Callen gulped guiltily because that was what he had been about to say, though it was only true in the basic sense of the word. Yes, they both filled so many similar roles in his life at their respective times, but they were definitely different and neither could replace the other. Nor would he want either of them to think that. If he hadn't been so tired the word probably wouldn't have even come to his thoughts.

"My partner in crime? Girlfriend? Life partner? Those better?" Called asked as he absently rubbed the back of his head wondering how the hell she'd managed to do that through the headrest of the seat.

"Actually I was thinking more along the lines of a four letter word that would give her a title she doesn't have to share with me."

Callen's breath stopped in his chest momentarily.

"Yeah, that one," Alex's voice was back to a whisper. "She's not my replacement G. No one could replace me, just as no one would ever be able to replace her. And if you ever think that again, I'll take you down so hard that you'll wish it was Sam."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Callen?" Kensi's voice brought his attention back to her. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Callen replied, "just my angel on my shoulder this time." Though he wasn't quite sure if Angel was the right title for this situation.

"So what did you do?"

"What do you mean?" Callen looked across at Kensi.

She grinned. "The ow. My driving wasn't that bad so must've had something to do with Alex. I doubt Lily could have provoked that kind of reaction."

Reluctantly Callen admitted, "She head-smacked me."

There was something that sounded remarkably like a choked off laugh come from the direction of the driver's seat.

"So I ask again," Kensi continued, as she appeared to be trying very hard not to smile, though he could hear it in her voice. "What did you do?"

"Not sure I want to tell you."

"Want to or not, you will."

"I've already been in enough trouble today."

"If Alex has already head smacked you, let's say you've been punished enough."

Callen took a slow breath and let it out. "Fine, I may briefly … potentially …," his words sped up as if trying to slip them through without the finer details being noticed, "possibly may have been about to refer to you as her replacement when she said she couldn't have picked better if she'd done it herself."

Callen waited apprehensively, though feeling slightly safe in the knowledge that since she was driving Kensi couldn't head smack him at least.

"You thought what?" There was definitely no laugh hiding in that voice.

"Kenz, I'm sorry. Remember, you said I'd been punished already." Callen was quick to remind her of that. "I've apologised to Alex and she's already warned me what she'll do if I think it again, so I promise you too, I won't. I know you're not her replacement." Still feeling the sting of the head-smack, Callen had a distinct feeling that he shouldn't underestimate Alex's cross-border abilities.

"What's she going to do?" There was a touch less trouble in Kensi's voice and Callen relaxed just a smidgen.

"Apparently take me down so hard that I'd wish for it to be Sam."

Kensi chuckled. "Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that."

"Why not?" There was something in her words that made that smidgen of relaxation disappear.

"Because if you do, I'll beat her to it."

"Noted." Callen slipped his hand across and placed it on her thigh. "I'm sorry."

"For?"

"For … it all. It's been a rough day." He wasn't sure rough described the roller-coaster of emotions he'd experienced today, but it would do.

Kensi's hand slipped into his and she squeezed it gently. "But it's done now. We got through it."

"So we're good?" Callen had to ask, just to be completely sure.

Kensi nodded. "We're good."


A/N - If you're wondering about Kensi's promise to Lily it's in Chapter 1- Random on Purpose.