Tris
"I had a really good time tonight," Tanner says as we stand outside my front door.
"Yeah, me too," I respond.
"Don't worry about coming in tomorrow morning," he pauses, "Saturdays aren't as busy, so we won't really need you."
"And you don't want someone finding me," I read between the lines.
"It may have crossed my mind," he smiles.
"Well, I'm not worried about it, but I will take advantage of another day off."
"See, it's a win win," he smiles widely. "Goodnight, Tris," he kisses my cheek.
"Goodnight," I smile and unlock my door.
I step inside and close the door behind me, locking all three locks. I take my shoes off by the door, and as I bend to set them down, I collapse. Hot tears pour down my face, threatening to never end. My pulse is pounding and my ears are ringing and it hurts to breathe. What have I done? Tobias is going to hate me. He probably already does. Not that it really matters, because he has Nita and I should be the one that hates him. I should, but I don't. I really want to, but I can't. I try to stand, but my knees buckle and I crumble to the floor again. I lay on my side, my tears running down into my hair.
I wake up the next morning still on the floor where I must have cried myself to sleep the night before. I hate crying like that. It's weakness. But at least no one saw it.
I spend my day tidying up my place and I take my clothes down to the laundry. It takes a couple hours to wash all of my clothes and for them to dry. By the time I make it back to my apartment, it's a little after four. I put all of my clothes away, and then I hear a knock on my door. The person doesn't wait for me to answer, they unlock the door and come inside.
"Did you know that you had a delivery?" I hear Christina ask from the living room.
"A delivery?" I ask, ignoring the fact that she just let herself into my apartment.
I come around the corner and see her holding what appears to be two dozen daisies.
"Tanner?" She says.
"I don't know," I shake my head.
"Well, read the card," she says holding them out to me.
I pull the small white card out and my breath catches in my throat.
"Well, what does it say?" She asks.
"'Tris, I know you probably hate me, and I don't blame you for that. I've made a lot of mistakes, and for that there is no excuse. But I want to apologize, and I want to make it up to you. Please, let me. Come by my place anytime. I love you. You are my one and only, my blue skies and grey. You are the only one for me. - Tobias,'" I read aloud.
Christina stares at me in silence before a small smile breaks through her serious expression.
"So, when are you gonna go?"
"You knew about this, didn't you?" I accuse.
"Zeke told me," she confirms.
"I don't know that I am going to go, Chris," I shake my head.
"What?" She asks.
"Why does he care if I come when he's got Nita?"
"Tris, he isn't with Nita. I'm telling you. Look, I know what happened when you were gone and I know what's happened since, but.."
"What happened when I was gone?" I cut her off.
"Uh," her eyes widen, "I can't be the one to tell you that."
"Well, then I'm not going to go," I fold my arms over my chest.
"Talk to him, Tris. Just talk to him," she says and then she leaves.
Tears sting my eyes and threaten to escape a few times, but I force them away. I can't talk to him. I can't look at him. I can barely stand to think of him. I pick up the card again and read the words over and over. The letters are small, but they're neat, meaning he wasn't in a rush when he wrote them. There's a lot of thought behind them. I realize, as I stare at the flowers on the counter, that I don't have a vase to keep them in. I fill the sink in the bathroom with water and set the stems of the flowers into it. I take the most unused pathways down to the pit and then I hurry into one of the shops. I pick out a large vase that has a scalloped edge at the top and then I make my way to the counter.
"Tris Prior?" The woman behind the counter says.
"Um, yeah, that's me," I respond hesitantly.
"I can't wait for the ceremony," she says, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.
"I'm sorry, the ceremony?"
"Honoring the people that fought, and those that lost their lives, to protect the city," she explains. "My brother was Abnegation," she says before I can respond, "and died in the attack. It doesn't bring him back, but it feels good to thank those that stopped the attack and did something about it."
"Of course," is all I can say. "I just wish it could have been stopped sooner."
I leave before the tears flow down her cheeks but I know that it happens. What ceremony is she talking about? As I walk through the pit, I feel more eyes on me than usual. I see Cara across the way and decide that I have to know what the woman was talking about.
"Cara!" I yell as I approach her from a distance.
"Tris," she smiles when she sees me. "How are you?"
"I'm a little confused actually," my brows furrow. "A woman just mentioned a ceremony to me. A ceremony to honor the people that fought for the city."
"Oh, no one told you about that?" Her eyes shift between mine. "Evelyn, Johanna, Jack, and Harrison decided to have one."
"Evelyn helped make the decision?" I ask her, a red flag coming up in my mind.
"With the dissolve of the former faction system, the city had no leaders. Johanna and Jack were obvious choices since they were previous leaders, but we needed more. They suggested that Harrison join them since he was a Dauntless leader during the war. A lot of people respect Evelyn for going against Jeanine. Don't get me wrong, a lot of people don't like her for what she did, but she has strong leadership capabilities. And since she was once the wife of an Abnegation leader, the job wasn't new to her."
"Who put these people in power?" I question.
"It's really hard to explain," she frowns. "We spent more time outside the city than we realized. Evelyn was a reigning force, but the leaders of the other factions were still very aware of what was happening. As you know, Johanna and Marcus were apart of the Allegiant, but Marcus was forced to leave the city. When Evelyn and Tobias met with them the agreement was made that Evelyn would leave the city, but Marcus violated his end of the deal and tried to take over the government. That's what was happening when we got back. Tobias recruited Jack to help him and Johanna get rid of Marcus. After everything that had happened, Tobias didn't want another war, he just wanted it to be over. But the tensions were high and when they went to stop Marcus, he threatened them, especially Johanna. I don't think I have to tell you how Tobias reacted to that. Johanna and Jack pulled him off at the last minute, or else he would have killed Marcus. No one has seen him since then, and everyone was grateful that Tobias kicked him out, so practically the whole city looked to him to tell then what to do next. He put Johanna and Jack in charge."
"The fight with his father," I pause, "was that the first day that you all came back?"
"Yeah," she nods her head. "Pretty much the second we got here we found out what was happening."
I'm quiet for a minute, thinking about the night that he spent in the bar with Nita. No wonder he was there, he had no one to talk about almost killing his father with...
"So," I say slowly, "a ceremony?"
"I'm surprised they haven't asked you to speak yet," she thinks outloud.
"I hope they don't," they nose wrinkles subconciously.
"I think they should," she nods her head again. "But we all need to hang out again soon," she smiles.
"We do," I agree. "Thanks, Cara," I smile, "I never would have known any of that if you hadn't told me."
"I'm surprised Tobias didn't tell you."
"Me too," I give her a small smile before I walk away.
As I walk down the pathways, I can't help feeling bad for Tobias. Marcus is such a monster, and he had to face that monster all alone. He didn't even tell me, though I'm sure I know why. If Johanna and Jack had to physically intervene, that means Tobias knew what he was doing. He was going to get rid of the monster for good, and now he has to deal with that kind of guilt. I wonder how many other people know. No one else has mentioned that. Cara knows, I'm sure, because she's been directly working with the leaders as a representative. When I make it back to my apartment, there's a note taped to the door. I pull it off and head inside, putting some water and my flowers into the vase before I unfold the note.
'Tris, please meet me in Max's old office tonight after 6. I would like to discuss something with you.
-Johanna'
I look at the clock and see that it's almost 6 now. I have a feeling she's going to talk to me about this ceremony. So I lock the door behind me and make the trek to Max's old office.
"Tris, it's good to see you," Johanna greets me when I walk in the dor.
"You too," I take a deep breath, trying to return her politeness. "What can I do for you?"
"Well, I'm sure that someone has mentioned the ceremony to you already?"
"Yes," I nod my head.
"The thing is, Tris, you have been one of the most active people in the war. You changel everything in this city, and outside that wall. The people of this city need that kind of strength right now. There is still a lot of work to be done before this city is healed."
"Okay..."
"We, Jack and Harrison and myself, would like for you to speak at the ceremony."
"Who else will be speaking?" I say without acknowledging her statement.
"We approached Tobias with the same offer, but he declined. Other than the two of you, there aren't many people who were so actively involved in the war left. I know that you had a lot of help and support, but it was you that turned ideas into action, support into success," she smiles a sheepish smile. "You're it, Tris. If you don't, then there will be no speaker."
"Okay," I say after a few moments.
My head spins as I leave the office. I have no idea what to say to these people. Everything that I did, I didn't do so that everyone would look at me as a hero. I did it because I had to, because in certain situations I was the only one that could. Everyone in this city doesn't need to hear about my many moments of cowardice. They should have known better than to ask Tobias to speak. There is no way he would get up on a stage and talk to everyone about the things that we've had to do. I know some of those things still haunt him. I know he doesn't regret the things that we had to do, but he regrets some of the choices that he made and the steps that we took to get the end result. I have a lot of the same feelings about those things, but after everything that's happened, I've just had to let it go. Tobias needs to do the same. He really needs to find someone that he can talk to, someone that can actually help him. I know he doesn't realize it, but he really isn't in control. He certainly has come a long way and been through a lot, and the fact that he's made it this far with his sanity is admirable, but that sanity is faltering. If he doesn't get help, he's going to self-destruct.
