Stolen Memories
Disclaimer; I do not own, nor will I ever own, Harry Potter or anything HP related, that all belongs to J.K Rowling. The plot is mine though.
A/N; I am so sorry for taking so long to update. I hit a wall, and these past few weeks have been insane. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! Hope this chapter makes up for it!
Chapter 28
Dear mum and dad.
Sorry I've taken so long to reply to your letter, I didn't know what to say. In truth I still don't know what to say. I understand your concern and I am sorry I put you through that.
I don't want to talk about Harry and Hermione, so please don't ask. I will not be speaking to either one of them ever again if I can help it.
As for 'the Malfoy and Zabini boys' as you put them, yes I am hanging out with them. They're good friends. They both know what is going on, and through them I started talking to Snape because they feel he could help me. He has been helping me.
There is something he's said that has confused me though, I will not mention it in a letter but I do need to speak to both of you about it when I return to the burrow for the summer. Don't ask me to explain it in a letter because I won't.
Also, Draco and Blaise will be coming too, as I said they both know what is going on so I'd like to have them close by when I talk to you about it all. So, could you please keep the twins and Ron from trying to kill them?
It is really important that I have them there with me.
See you in a couple weeks.
Love;
You're daughter.
I didn't sign the letter.
I didn't want to send it.
After reading it over a million times I was sure I didn't want to send it. It seems too harsh, but I'd written it all different ways I could think of and it always came out the same.
How was I supposed to sound nice when I was telling them that I needed to talk to them and that I wanted two Slytherins to be there when I did? If I made it sound like everything was okay they wouldn't take it seriously.
I didn't even want to write the stupid letter; it was Snape's idea. Over the past couple of nights with him going through my mind he has been repeatedly telling me to write to my parents. I tried telling him that I did already but he saw right through me. At least now I could tell him I wrote the letter even if I don't send it.
All of this was starting to be too much for me. The nightmares, the black space in my head, Snape telling me to write to my parents, exams, and now everything with Draco, it was all doing my head in, I didn't know how I would survive these next couple of weeks.
Everything with Draco...
We hadn't talked much since that night Blaise pushed us together. A nod here, a 'hey' there, besides that Blaise was used as a kind of buffer. Things were back to normal a bit now, Blaise, Draco, and I would sit around and talk, laugh, and mess around like we used to. But there was also some awkwardness between Draco and I, it seemed neither one of us knew how to act towards each other, or what to say.
Blaise still tried to push us together, it got annoying but that was just Blaise. I was a little thankful for it to be honest. After Draco had kissed me the first time I was confused... I didn't understand why he would kiss me or why I would kiss him back. I thought it was an accident, but now, after that second kiss I was convinced there was something between us.
Somehow we went from being able to tolerate each other to liking each other. I could see it now. Every once in a while I'd see Draco looking at me out of the corner of his eyes. I'd catch him smiling more, his laugh seemed more sincere... maybe I was imagining it but everything about him as of late seemed brighter.
I know it sounded pathetic, like the Fairy Tale ending the little girl would imagine as she gazed out her window – waiting for her prince. I didn't believe in Fairy Tales. Love that sudden and true didn't exist, but I did believe that connections and deep understandings were formed in time through a gradual relationship.
It didn't feel that way though.
Everything that had happened with Draco seemed so sudden. I didn't think we ever became friends... if we had it was an unconventional friendship full of banter and insults. Even if that could be called a friendship it was definitely broken after I had awoke from my coma-like state. His words, his tone, his expression, everything he had said to me – those were not the words of a friend.
So we weren't friends. It was more like an unspoken truce that was formed strictly because of Blaise, and even that truce had severed when Draco told me I was worthless. But what happened after that? We had spoken again, thrown around the insults, and then – then he kissed me.
It didn't make sense at the time.
It still didn't.
You don't kiss people you hate.
We had avoided each other and tried to forget it happened. And then, then there was Blaise.
Bloody prat.
He of course thought it was a good thing and encouraged us further. Went to such lengths as to setting up a meeting for the two of us.
I had intended to find out why Draco had said such things to me and then leave. But that didn't work either. It felt as though someone was there, pushing us together to the utmost closeness, and holding us there until we'd finally realize what this all meant.
I didn't understand it.
I don't think Draco did either.
But I wanted it to happen again.
Shaking my head I remembered that I was supposed to be working out a letter to my parents, I was not supposed to be thinking about a certain blonde. I read through the letter another three times before coming to the conclusion that although it could be better I just didn't care enough to put in the effort to make it better.
~*~*~*~*~*~
I was running.
The inky sky offered no light, the moon seemed far away, casting a pale unearthly glow in the distance. I was running towards that light, there was safety in the light. Every step closer I took though it seemed as though the light moved back three paces. I didn't stop though. I tried to focus on the shimmer ahead of me rather than the shadows all around me. The tree boughs creaked in agony as if a storm was raging. There was no wind. No sounds. Even as I ran my body created no wind tunnel, yet my hair whipped around my head, my dress cling tightly to my body.
A shadow appeared up ahead. I let out a gasp that got lost in the silence of the woods. Skidding to a sudden stop my chest heaved with every laboured breath, my eyes grew wide. Just as quickly as the shadow appeared it was gone. Confusion swept over my mind briefly but I continued to walk.
The light was further away than ever before. A whistle in the nonexistent wind told me to turn back, to run in the other direction. I wouldn't listen. It was a trick. I didn't know what was in the light, but I knew it was better than what I was running from.
My legs ached in protest each time my foot lifted into the air only to cut through it once more. My chest was growing tighter, my breath painful and sharp. The cool air stung my eyes as I continued foreword.
A frightened whisper rose around me as I neared the icy light now only a few paces away. The volume increased with every step I took. The sound reminded me of frightened children trying to yell without raising their voice.
I stopped suddenly.
The wood was so thick around me, the air heavy, the shadows ominous. I turned to look behind me – the darkened path was not empty as I had hoped. A shadow loomed in the distance, slowly walking closer. He didn't run, he didn't raise a hand to try and reach out to me, he didn't call my name. He walked with the utmost patience, and I knew, I knew that he was waiting for me to go to him.
I turned my body fully and took a step closer.
The whispering children of the wind urged me on.
I paused.
What was good and what was evil in this place?
A strangled cry ripped through the wood as I turned my back on the shadow.
The sound of a thousand children, they were in agony with my decision.
The light up ahead. It was so close; I could feel the warmth emanating from it. The thick trees and brush on either side of me... they were dark, forever to remain dark. The path behind me, the shadow walking it. There was darkness surrounding the wood. I couldn't know what was good and evil. The voices carried on the subtle wind... they were evil. A trick of the wood, leading me to the darkness.
Everything here held an ominous air, the wind itself seemed foreboding. But the light... the light seemed welcoming. I took the remaining steps carefully, the light seemed to grow as I stepped closer. It was more brilliant than I had originally thought. My left foot crossed the line between the darkness I was standing in and the light in front of me.
I could feel the warmth spreading from my toes up my leg to my hip. My lips curved into a smile as my eyes slipped closed. The wind around me howled angrily, as if it was unhappy with my choice. The trees let out cracking sounds, the leaves rustled, the childish voices of the wind grew dark and livid. My eyes snapped open and I looked around frightened. The shadow was closer, he wasn't walking toward me any longer though, merely standing there staring at me half in the light. He shook his head solemnly. Another trick.
The wind, the trees, the leaves, the earth, all of it wanted me to turn back.
But I had no intention of turning back.
I took the last step out of darkness and allowed the light to embrace me completely.
A contented sigh escaped my lips as the heat spread through my body. It was like daylight here. The light wind held no voice, the trees lightly swayed in time with the silent air, the leaves danced playfully in time with the trees sways. I looked up and down the path and saw no shadow. Smiling, I turned to look at the darkness, it seemed angry, like it was having a silent raging tantrum. I let out a small chuckle and made a move to step forward.
Something stopped me though.
The ground beneath my feet changed in consistency.
I didn't feel the light, crumbling earth shift between my bare feet, nor did I feel the crunch of the leaves under my weight.
This felt soft...
I looked down and saw that I was standing on a small, torn piece of fabric. Lifting my foot I took a step back and looked my closely.
The material that was beneath my toes moments earlier was so dirty it got lost in the similar shades of the earth around it. It wasn't a small piece of fabric like I had originally thought either. It looked to be a small dress, or an oversized shirt. What was it doing here though? Kneeling down I lightly tugged at the fabric, it was caught on something. I pulled harder, determined to release the material to closer inspect it – not fully sure where this determination came from.
Giving one last tug I freed the fabric.
Or so I thought.
I stumbled backwards as the object weighing down on the material rolled with it. It was nearly as dirty as the fabric, more beige than brown though. I crawled forward on my hands and knees and took a closer look. Beige, specks of brown, coppery red...
It was a young girl.
It was me.
My lips parted as a frightened cry escaped from the back of my throat. At the sudden sound the girl's – my – eyes fluttered open to stare back at me. I knew those eyes, of course I did, they were the same eyes I see every day when I look in the mirror. Only now they held nothing, as if this young soul no longer cared about the world around her, as if she had given up. Her eyes were bloodshot and glassy, yet I didn't think she had been crying. Her lips were cracked and stained red. Her skin, I noticed for the first time was pale and yellowing, some spots held large, angry, purple bruises, other spots contained painful welts, cuts, scabs, and scars. The coppery red I had seen was her hair; it was limp, thinning, and dirty. It didn't shine in the light, it didn't move with the slight wind, it seemed too weigh down on her fragile skull.
The limbs holding my weight started to tremble. Salty tears escaped my eyes, the same eyes I shared with the young girl in front of me. My breath got lost in the depths of my lungs; I had no voice, no air, no strength. With one last shake my arms and legs gave out. The ground met my side with little force. My knees curled into my chest as my body started shaking with silent sobs.
The light was still bright, the air still soft and warm, the trees still playfully danced in the subtle wind. Everything was as welcoming and comforting as it had been when I saw the light from the distance, but... everything was darker, menacing, dangerous. The air, though warm, seemed to grow cold with a suffering I had never noticed before.
The girl beside me didn't weep, didn't release a tear, she didn't even ask where she was or how she got here, or if I had come to help her. She just laid there, those cold brown eyes staring into a matching set. I thought she was brave... that she was strong. She seemed stronger than I was being at the moment, she was silent, I was weeping, I was frightened, she seemed... indifferent.
But then I realized her silence was neither bravery nor strength – she no longer cared.
There was nothing else to it, she wasn't trying to keep her head above the water, she was sinking into it, desperately seeking the bottom where she'd be left to go alone, at ease, free, and peacefully. She couldn't though. I wouldn't let her.
She wasn't allowed to die... to let herself go.
If she died, I died.
With effort I stood on shaking limbs and looked around the bright woods for something that would help me. As soon as I was steady on my feet a rustling shook the trees, the ground began to tremble beneath me, and the sky began to glow yellow. I waited, trying to keep my feet on the shaking ground, using all my strength to hold on to my balance.
The earth grew still for a moment...
And then...
It seemed as though panes of glass shot up out of the earth all around me. I spun around as I heard the trees shifting to make room for the glass. I was being sealed in – I was trapped in the light.
I could still see the darkness I had run from.
It still looked ominous.
But right now I'd rather be in darkness than in the light.
The girl was still lying at my feet, she seemed undisturbed by the prison that held us here.
A high pitched laugh sounded suddenly. It was cold, evil, and cruel. In the back of my mind I knew I had heard this laugh before, but I couldn't place it now. I couldn't think who the owner of the chilling voice was but I knew, whoever it was, they were happy I was stuck here.
A small whimper sounded. I looked down to see the girl had curled into a tight ball and was gently rocking herself, as if trying to escape the awful sound. I couldn't blame her.
A wind blew, the earth seemed to shift beneath me, even though I knew it didn't move. I nearly lost my balance but was able to catch myself just in time by grabbing a tree branch close by. I dipped my head into the crook of my arm and took a deep breath. The menacing cackle died slowly and by the time I looked up it was silent again.
But I wasn't alone.
The shadow from the darkness was standing in front of the glass, looking confused.
I slowly stepped away from the branch and made my way over to the shadow.
I didn't trust it.
I didn't know who it could be.
I didn't like it.
But something pulled me to it.
I was no further than three feet away when I saw it.
Just in front of me loomed a pair of big brown eyes. They had no face attached, but the coldness in them chilled my skin. These eyes watched me, they knew my every step. As I stared at them they slowly began to move upwards, toward the top of the glass walls, higher than I could see, and then – they dropped back down behind me. I spun around and watched them, I didn't feel comfortable turning my back on these vengeful eyes.
"Ginny?"
I turned my head without turning my body.
The shadow outside was calling me.
I wouldn't move.
"Ginny... please." There was an urgency in its tone... a longing.
I opened my mouth and tried to answer. My voice had been cut off though, as if someone had stolen my vocal chords from my throat. I couldn't speak.
"Ginny." It pleaded again.
The high pitched cackle sounded again. I covered my ears with my hands and dropped to my knees staring up into those dark, evil eyes once more. They still held cruelty, and brutality, but now, as the cackling rose in volume, they also held amusement.
As this thought struck me the sound died once more.
I stood once again on shaking limbs and looked around me.
The dark eyes were gazing at me intently, and the shadow behind me was still calling my name.
I turned my body fully and took a step towards the wall the separated the shadow and I.
Just as before, when I had gotten closer to the shadow in front of me a huge pair of eyes appeared in the wind.
These were different though.
They were lighter, kinder, more gentle. They weren't full of warmth, they still held some level of cruelty but they were nothing compared to the dark eyes behind me. I gazed up at the slivery orbs, mesmerized, I knew these eyes. And I knew the owner wasn't going to hurt me.
"Ginny, come closer." The shadow whispered.
I looked at the shadow and then up to the eyes, asking for the answer.
Without moving, without blinking, they answered me.
I stepped closer.
The lighter eyes urged me on, while the dark eyes behind me cried for me to stay back, to ignore the shadow. I was less than a foot away from the glass wall but the shadow was gone. All I could see was my reflection looking confused, abandoned, and frightened. I looked back to the bright eyes accusingly. They softened for a second and silently told me to turn back around. I frowned but listened anyway.
The shadow was back.
But it wasn't a shadow any longer.
I felt my mouth drop open as I stared.
Slowly I turned and looked at the sets of eyes, I swept my gaze over my prison, I focused on the small child still whimpering on the ground. Tears ran down my cheeks as I looked once more at the bright eyes I trusted so much; silently asking if this was true. They softened and confirmed my thoughts. Angry, I turned towards the dark eyes, the evil eyes. They were amused once again – it was all the proof I needed.
I turned back to the wall and stared out into the darkness allowing the tears to freely fall.
The shadow was back; he looked down at me and gave me a sad smile.
"Ginny." His whispered placing his hand on the glass.
I raised my hand and held it against his, trying to ignore the cold that separated us. "Draco." I sighed.
I had made a mistake.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"Ginny will you relax; it's going to be fine."
I looked up from my hands, which were currently ripping apart a piece of parchment, and into the eyes of Blaise.
We were on the train from Hogwarts. Blaise and Draco had both agreed to come with me to the burrow to try and help me explain my nightmares, hallucinations, and sessions with Professor Snape to my parents. To say I was a nervous wreck would be an understatement.
I nodded to Blaise and went back to staring out the window.
Shortly after I had sent the letter to my mum and dad I had received a reply saying how happy they were that I had written to them and was going to finally let them know what was going on. They had assured me that Blaise and Draco would be treated with the utmost respect and were of course welcomed guests. I knew they wouldn't feel so open about having two Slytherins over for the holidays had it not been for my problems this year though.
They asked me to write back – I didn't. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to say that couldn't be brought up when I returned home. I did however honour one of their requests. They wanted me to tell Ron in advance that Blaise and Draco would be staying with us. I didn't know why they wanted me to but I thought it was the least I could do after keeping them in the dark about everything for so long.
"Ron?" He looked up from his text book slightly startled.
I probably shouldn't be bugging him with this now, he finally started studying... too late to turn back though.
"Can I talk to you?" I asked not quite meeting his eyes.
Ron stared blankly for a moment before nodding a few times and standing. "Sure Gin." He said lightly. He placed a hand on my shoulder and gently led me to a quiet corner in the packed common room.
We sat facing each other, neither of us spoke first. Ron wouldn't say anything before I did. He was too curious about what was going on, and he was too cautious about saying something that would upset me. Ever since that night I had tried to kill myself he'd be so cautious around me. He was no longer being the overprotective brother that annoyed me relentlessly. It seemed, or at least I thought, it was because he was too afraid of losing me. Even though it was clear I wasn't going to kill myself, or try to again, he seemed to think that losing me in any sense would be too painful.
If only he knew, if he knew what I had heard, the pain and guilt I had felt afterwards... he wouldn't be worried. I still couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell any of them what I heard. It felt too – personal. And I didn't even know if what I heard was actually said. It could have been my mind making things up, adding to the guilt, or creating it, I wasn't sure.
"Uh..." I looked at my older brother and felt instantly guilty once more. I'd been angry with him, avoiding him, and I didn't even know why. "I want to talk to you." I whispered.
Ron's eyes grew wide for a split second before returning to normal size. "Alright." His tone was steady but I could see the small shimmer of hope that graced his features.
He thought I was going to tell him everything.
"I wrote to mum and dad." I started.
Ron nodded. "I know, they wrote me."
"Of course." I mumbled. "I decided, with a little persuasion, that I should tell them everything... leading up to, and including, my suicide attempt." I whispered still avoiding his gaze.
"Alright..." He said slowly.
He was confused. I couldn't blame him.
"You know I've been seeing Snape." I said after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
Ron nodded trying to seem normal, I could see the disapproval though.
"He told me I should tell them. Said that he's done all he can." I explained.
"I see." He didn't sound like he understood at all.
"So... I'm going to tell them."
"You said that already." A small smile tugged at his lips.
I smiled uneasily. "Right. Well, what I'm getting at is, I'm going to need someone there with me when I do tell them."
I instantly regretted my choice of words.
Ron's face lit up hopefully. It was painful to know that I now had to tell him that it wasn't going to be him I'd be looking to for moral support, but a pair of Slytherins (one being his worst enemy) instead.
Ron opened his mouth to say something but I held up a hand to stop him.
I had to clear up my mistake before he said anything to make me feel guiltier than I already did.
"Blaise and Draco will be staying with us." I said bluntly. "I already asked mum and dad."
Anger, hurt, shock, and finally defeat crossed Ron's features in the time span of about half a second. I hated myself right now.
"Why are you telling me this?" He said coldly.
"I wanted you to know in advance rather than find out later." I half lied. I also wanted him to know so he'd be less likely to try and kill them but right now I wasn't going to voice that thought.
"Right." He looked away.
"It's just... they – they know everything that's been going on." I started to explain. "It wouldn't feel right to not have them there when I tell everyone."
Ron nodded, he was still angry.
"What I'm asking... is that you don't do anything rash." I mumbled.
Ron's eyes snapped to mine suddenly. "Anything rash?" He repeated.
This wasn't going to end well.
"Anything rash... like hmm I don't know, suddenly hanging around two older Slytherins that have always hated us?" His eyes flashed dangerously. "Like not telling anyone what is going on with you? Like trying to kill yourself?"
Hot tears stung my eyes at his words.
"Like seeing the most hated teacher in the entire school for help when you can't even tell your family what's wrong? Like lying to everyone who cares about you? Making us believe everything was okay, and then we're suddenly getting woken up in the middle of the night and being told that you might be dead?!"
I opened my mouth to stop him. I didn't want to hear all this right now. I closed it quickly though. It sounded as though he'd been wanting to say this for a while now. It didn't seem fair but it was. All of it was true, and I deserved every last word he was throwing at me. The tears that stung my eyes moments before fell and silently rolled down my cheeks, Ron was looking at me as he spoke, but he wasn't actually seeing me.
"- and then not knowing if you were ever going to wake up? Walking around like a zombie for weeks. Not telling anyone what was going on? Continuing to see Snape even though he obviously wasn't helping a bloody thing!"
Ron took a deep breath. "Anything rash like all that?" He whispered.
I looked up with blurry eyes and nodded silently. "I'm sorry." I said dipping my head once more.
"Well don't worry. I won't do anything rash to your precious Slytherins." He scoffed before getting up.
He had apologized the next day. I forgave him easily. Even though his words were harsh, even though they hurt more than anything I had felt recently, and even though it still hurt to think about that conversation now, I still forgave him. He didn't seem to believe that I had forgiven him so easily right away; he repeated over and over how he was wrong, and how he never meant any of it. I only nodded and said it was fine. I knew he was lying. He had meant every word.
I was glad he said all that to me. Part of me knew all along that I needed to hear it. This whole year I'd been so focused on what was going on in my nightmares and in my head that I hadn't stopped to think what my actions were putting my family through. I knew I had Blaise and even Draco worried about me, Snape even seemed worried at times, but they were always around, and they knew what was going on. Ron though... and my parents, they knew nothing. Just as Ron had said; they were suddenly told of my suicide attempt with no prior warning.
"Ginny?"
I looked up into the cold, silvery eyes of Draco.
"You alright?" He asked.
It was at that moment that I realized I was crying. I blushed and nodded before wiping at my tears.
Draco nodded and turned back to Blaise who gave him a pointed, and slightly annoyed look, before continuing their conversation.
I continued to stare at Draco for a few moments. Ever since that dream... that dream where I had been running from him, I couldn't get the blonde out of my head. It was worse now than ever. It felt as though my head was trying to tell me something. In the dream I had been running from Draco, thinking that he was the man from my nightmares and doing everything I could to get away from him, only to run straight into the man from my nightmares.
That dream had really opened up my eyes. It showed me that the world isn't so black and white. That the evil of the world doesn't just hide in the shadows; that the purest evil will hide in plain sight, in the light, waiting, watching, ready to trick and manipulate all who pass by. And it also showed me that the shadows while holding evil can hold good, and that the good isn't always the typical Fairy Tale good you read about as a child.
Draco was the good in my dream, and he was covered in the shadows.
I knew this was because of everything I had ever been told about him. I was conditioned to believe that he was the darkness, the evil that you should run from. But in truth, he was the good I should have been running towards. He wasn't Fairy Tale good, nowhere close to it. But him, like Blaise and Snape, were the only ones I knew I could trust lately. And like I had been conditioned to believe Draco was the evil of the world, I was also conditioned to believe that Snape and Blaise fell into that same category.
I wasn't even sure what I was thinking. It didn't seem to make sense when I thought about it for too long. But I knew, somehow I knew, that it all made sense and that my dream had finally allowed me to piece it all together in my mind.
The most disturbing part of the dream though was not the Good Vs. Evil realization I was faced with when I first awoke. For a few days I was convinced it was the girl in my dream... me in my dream. But I now realize it wasn't. No, the thought that kept me up at night now was how the dream had ended.
I ran from Draco, I had thought he was the evil that threatened me. And by running from him I had trapped myself with the true evil, I created a wall between Draco and I. I couldn't get back to him.
The most disturbing part of the dream was realizing I had lost him by running from him.
Nothing felt the same since that dream. There seemed to be a literal wall separating us now. Sure, we still talked, and we laughed, and things seemed normal on the outside. But I still had the feeling that there was something blocking what was trying to be said, what was trying to come out.
I always knew Draco and I would never be close like Blaise and I, and I accepted that – I didn't think I could have another Blaise in my life anyway. But now – now it felt like, it felt like Draco wouldn't run towards me anymore. It felt like I had not only run from him in my dream, but as though I had run from him in real life too. And he seemed to know this too.
The train came to a sudden, screeching halt. I felt my heart pound against my ribs as the compartment doors began to open and the footsteps of a hundred students sounded in the corridor a few feet away. Shaking slightly I stood and faced the clear glass door.
I didn't want to do this.
I was going to pass out.
I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself.
There was a sudden weight on my shoulders. I looked to my right and saw Blaise smiling down at me encouragingly. I smiled back and felt myself relax a bit. There was movement on my other side, I looked to the left and saw Draco standing closely, staring straight ahead.
Silently we all agreed to walk out together.
People were going to have a fit when they saw us.
~*~*~*~*~*~
A/N; Hope you all liked it! I think you all know what this means – there will be no more than 4 and no less than 2 chapters following this one. Yes, it is nearly over. Thank you all who reviewed! There were so many of you, and sorry but I don't have the time to list you all here, but thank you all so much!Remember, it's your reviews that determine when I get the next chapter out. So review!
