Rated M
December 30th 2015
Alison got off the bus and shouldered her backpack as other tourists and locals walked around her. It had been years since she had been in Spain and what she was doing was a leap of faith, logic and somewhat desperate hope that she knew Bucky. It was a small port town and boats from South America came here all the time. He could be gone by now. Long gone. In France or maybe he hopped another boat that would take him to Africa. He could have stayed in South America and tried getting back into the State. You have to try though. It's worth a shot.
Alison started fiddling with her tags and felt the ring hitting the tags. She carefully put the necklace inside her shirt. It wasn't a very valuable ring money wise, but it's emotional value couldn't be calculated. It was a gift from the woman that would have been her sister in law. Alison started walking towards the boats and tried to ignore the dull pain of that thought. She had to tell him that Becca had passed away. I just need to find Bucky. She started walking towards the docks and hoped that she was making the right choice. Sam is going to be so pissed when he finds out you've taken off like this, thought Alison.
…
It was Steve who was pissed off the most when Natasha had told him Alison had taken off. Alison had told him she was going to catch an early flight home after Becca's funeral and so when Steve returned to Headquarters and Natasha told him Alison hadn't checked in yet the worry and rage started creeping in. They tried pinging her phone and got nothing. Her credit cards told them nothing, but she had taken out three thousand from her bank account. They couldn't find a plane ticket with her name on it anywhere though. Natasha was running facial scans at airports to see if they could find her that way.
"She's smart you know," said Natasha dryly as she started the scanning program.
"Yeah this is brilliant," said Sam. Steve didn't say anything, he didn't trust himself too. Sam went to go search Alison's room to see if any clues could be found. Natasha turned and looked at Steve.
"Have you really talked to her since she's come back?" asked Natasha.
"A bit. It's been madness since the reports broke about Bucky and Rumlow being alive," said Steve. Alison had told Maria that Rumlow had been the one coming for Bucky. At first Steve thought maybe Alison had misheard them or they meant another Rumlow. Brock Rumlow had been crushed under a building and a helicarrier. Than again considering Bucky had fallen god knows how many feet down a mountainside and lived anything might be possible.
T wo days after Alison came back to Headquarters a bombing happened at New Scotland Yard and a video was released by Rumlow, calling himself Crossbones claiming responsibility. Before they could even react to that another reporter came out with the story that Bucky was alive and that he was the Winter Soldier. The reporter had spent months putting the D.C. incident together and combing through SHIELD and Hydra files to prove it was Bucky.
Steve had been called in to testify and he never thought he would be grateful to Tony's team of lawyers for stalling it. No one here had said anything to the press about Bucky. Steve wasn't sure if it loyalty to him, Tony threatening them with lawsuits and job loss or a silent respect for Alison that kept mouths shut on the topic.
"She's different," said Natasha looking at him seriously.
"I know," said Steve.
"It's not just the physical change," said Natasha taking a tone. Steve nodded and sat down.
No one else knew about Alison having the blood transfusion or everything that had happened with Bucky. They knew Alison and Bucky had been held hostage, had gotten away and now Bucky was AWOL. They didn't know how bad Alison had been and a week of rest had cleared up most of her bruising and all of the pneumonia. Alison had come back and threw herself into her work the same way he had trying to find Rumlow. Steve had seen some of physical change in Alison, the quick healing was one of the changes that was easy to notice. While she was nowhere near as strong as him or Bucky, she had gotten a slight boost in the strength department. He had seen her running with a few days ago and according to Sam she hadn't gone running since the Invasion. It was the mental change though that seemed to have people in the know worried.
…
Two weeks ago
"So she passed her tests. She's always passed her tests," said Sam looking over the final grades Alison had been given. Bruce looked at David and David went on.
"We programmed Friday to set up the online courses to go up in difficult as they finished the lessons since everyone has a different specialty. Since Alison has been back she's just gone through everything like a bullet. We guessed it would it take her another year to finish a nursing program. At this rate she's going to be finishing a doctoral program in that time," said David. Steve looked at the tests in front of him and then back to David and Bruce.
"Why aren't you telling her this? I think it's sort of odd this is about Alison and she isn't here," said Steve. Steve wondered if he had been the topic of meetings that no one ever told him about.
"We didn't want to freak her out just yet. I mean...well," said David and he looked at Bruce to carry on.
"Was it like this for you? Do you have or notice an increase in your intelligence after the serum?" asked Bruce. Steve sighed and wondered if he had agreed to go to a lab for testing would he have a better understanding of what the serum did do. He had been too in awe of the physical changes to really take note of if he gotten smarter. Well he did remember things better after the serum and certain things had come easier too him, but at the level she was on Steve couldn't be sure.
"Well some things were easier to catch on too," admitted Steve.
"We have an old IQ test for Alison. Maybe we could have her take a new one to see how much she's changed," suggested David.
"She's not a lab rat," snapped Steve suddenly and even Sam gave him a look.
"Well she's going to start putting shit together sooner or later," said David.
"We don't intend to treat Alison like a lab rat, but we have to consider how she's doing. She might already be freaked out and hiding it from us. Plus there is her medical history to think of and how the serum is affecting it. She has...or had anxiety issues, depression and a thought out suicide plan a few years ago. We already know how your tolerance is for medication. Is she still taking her medication now?" asked Bruce.
"She knows to take her medication," said Sam flatly. Bruce pinched the bridge of nose.
"Even if she taking it, it might not make a difference considering how her body processes things now. She's lost a good six pounds since coming back. Trying to hide the fact that she can and should be eating about five thousand calories a day is the reason she fainted last week," said Bruce.
Alison had been tutoring Wanda and when Alison had went to get a different book she simply fainted. She took a day off to recover, but Steve had noticed how skinny and tired Alison looked. Steve had intended to talk to her, however Natasha had a gotten a lead on Rumlow and off to Mexico they had gone. He had barely changed out of his uniform when this meeting was called.
"Look I'm not suggesting we throw Alison in a glass room and run tests on her, but she's been trying to manage this herself and clearly needs some help figuring out all the finer details," said Bruce. He and David got up and left. Sam turned to Steve and he looked worried, but determined.
"We did the right thing. I wasn't sure at first, but she's here and she just needs time to work through everything," said Sam before he left the room. Looking back Steve wasn't sure if Sam was trying to reassure him or himself.
…
Sam noticed the nearly full bottle of anti anxiety medicine in the bathroom and swore to himself. Alison had seemed fine, well as fine as someone could be after going through what she had gone through. She just needed some time to process what had happened to her. Sam had been watching her like a hawk though and they had talked a little about what had happened. At least she was talking and he considered it a good sign. However, if Alison was off her medication she could be considering doing something very stupid. No. She wouldn't put you all through that again, thought Sam has he booted up her laptop. She doesn't think clearly when she's not on them though. She could think it for the best if people didn't have to worry about her anymore.
Sam sighed and typed in her password BuddyRich42 and started trying to get her deleted web history and e-mails. Maybe she just needed to get her head together for a bit. She just threw herself back into being here and she won't really talk about Barnes and... It smacked Sam in the face hard and he sighed.
"I went looking for him for almost two years and couldn't find him," muttered Sam. However Alison might insight that he and Steve didn't have since she had been his nurse and then his girlfriend. He should have seen this coming after Becca's passing, Alison would want to tell him and make sure he wasn't alone.
Sam started going through her deleted history and found sites on making new id, getting fake passports and flights to Spain. She liked Spain and had talked about going back, maybe this wasn't about Barnes at all. Maybe she just wanted to be alone for a bit. Than he came across list of boats going from South America in the last few months and their ports. Sam shook his head and wasn't sure if he wanted to praise her for trying to find Barnes or shake her senseless for not telling him what she was trying to do. She loves him and if it was you out there she would do the same thing, thought Sam.
"Anna Bates got on a flight to Spain from California the other day. She's good and clearly she a really fast learner now," said Natasha standing in the doorway.
"I still wanna kick her ass," said Sam.
"Love makes us insanely stupid," said Natasha. "Steve already took a QuinJet to track her down," said Natasha.
"He could have waited another ten minutes and I would have come with him," said Sam.
"They need to talk about some things," said Natasha. Sam nodded and shut the computer off. Other than him and David, Alison really hadn't talked to anyone about what she was going through. She hadn't brought up her recent burst of smarts and he didn't know how to bring it up either. He had asked her one night when they went running together how she felt now. She hadn't gone running since her car accident and she used to run 10K. Sam asked her if her knee hurt anymore and she told him no. It's like I'm humming. Like electricity in a wire, like I just know I can go for hours and not feel it. I don't know how else to describe it.
"Yeah they have a lot to talk about," said Sam. He looked at her nightstand and next to a picture of her and Matt was a picture someone had taken of her and Bucky at Steve's birthday party. They were standing side by side, Alison giving him a slight smile and Bucky trying to remember how to smile when getting his picture taken. It was in his eyes though, he looked at ease with Alison. It's stupid really. I have the dog, but I just miss having another person in the room, said Alison one night when she couldn't sleep. Sam had told her it wasn't stupid and that it would get easier for her. Alison looked up blankly at the ceiling. I know and that's what makes it so hard, she said before rolling over to try and sleep. Sam didn't know what to say and he hoped that maybe Steve did.
…...
Christmas Day
Avenger Tower
The Barton kids ripped into their presents while the adults present sipped coffee and hot chocolate. Alison rubbed Bailey's head and the dog gave her a goofy grin and went back to the over sized rawhide bone, a gift from Pepper and Tony according to the card that had been attached. Tony said Pepper had gone to Ohio to see her parents when Alison had asked him where she was last night.
"I love Pepper, but the thought of being in Ohio with her parents terrifies me," said Tony quickly. His tone had seemed off to Alison, but she didn't feel it was her place to press right now. She pulled her new robe around her and went back to watching the kids.
"Oh wow! Thanks Aunt Nat!" said Cooper as he pulled out the newest game in some series Alison couldn't name for the life of her. David sat next to her and yawned.
"Are you kicking yourself for not tagging along with Sam or your other friends for the holidays?" he asked tipping back his over sized mug. Sam and Sarah had gone to Chicago to see Sam's mom and Renee and Sophia had gone to Boston to see Sophia's brother and his family. Franklin was working away in London with Jane and the others.
"Sam will be back before New Year's Eve in the weather cooperates. Too damn cold for my liking," said Alison. Lila had unwrapped a chemistry set from Bruce earning him a side eye from Clint. "You gonna come over and clean up the mess?" asked Clint with a huge fake smile.
"We need more STEM girls in the world," said Bruce and then quickly went to get more coffee. The kids made quick work of their gifts and Tony started handing out gifts to the adults who were here.
"I'm very disappointed that Steve isn't joining us," said Tony pointing at a small pile of gifts.
"He went to see Becca and her family for the holidays. She insisted," said Alison sitting aside her mug to open a box from David.
Actually Becca had wanted Alison to come too, but she had refused politely. She had gone out there for Thanksgiving after the older woman badgered her and while she loved Becca's family it hit something deep in Alison's heart. If you had done your job right he could be here having dinner with his family. The wonderful meal Becca's daughter had made suddenly tasted like ash in Alison's mouth. Steve hadn't been there since Rumlow had decided to bomb another police station, this one was in China and he, Natasha and Wanda were on the scene looking for clues. Alison watched football with Becca's grandchildren while a set of thoughts played on a loop in her head. You screwed up. You didn't do your job right and now he's out there scared and alone. It's all your fault. You were selfish and put your feelings ahead of his well being and now he's gone and it's all your fault.
She had tried dulling the thoughts with her medication and found it didn't do a damn thing for her. After Thanksgiving Alison simply stopped taking her meds. What was the point? It didn't dull the guilt ridden thoughts in head. However she was functioning better than she thought she could. After Matt's death she could barely function and focusing had been impossible. Yes there were others factors in play, put the guilt pulled her down until all she felt was the guilt. You need to make it right. You need to find him and make it right. Steve saved your life and now you need to make it right. It was why she had turned down all offers of going with anyone this Christmas. She would leave this evening and fly to Spain with the fake id's and passports she had managed to create. It was so easy, so effortless. Was everything this easy before? No. The guilt was there, but this new ability to put it to the side and focus was new for her. She opened her gift from David and it was a mix of yarn and a new set of needles. He had taught her to knit when she had been laid up. She caught on quickly and was now working on a throw for Sam. Didn't someone try to teach you before and you just couldn't do it? Everything is so easy now and it's weird, thought Alison and she hugged the big man.
"Thanks," said Alison and he grinned.
"It's just nice to have a another knitter. I learned from my grandpa. He would kick my ass if I told anyone that Dum Dum Dugan liked to drink and knit," said David. More gifts were opened. Sheet music from Wanda, a new medical textbook from Vision. .Alison grinned since she had spent almost two weeks explaining holiday traditions to him and showing him how Ebay and Amazon worked. She was about to open a gift from Natasha when Alison's cell phone went off and Tony gave her a look.
"I didn't know we had to silence our phones. It's probably Sam," said Alison pulling the phone out of her robe pocket. She was surprised to see it was a California number. She took the call and slipped out the room.
"Hello," said Alison and there was a huge sigh on the other end and than a sniffle.
"Alison. This is Laura..." She went on, but Alison could already feel the forbearing hit her. Rebecca Barnes Chase was gone and if Alison had done her job right Becca would of had her brother by her side.
…...
They were supposed to land tomorrow or the day after and most of the crew was passed out from the several bottles of wine and any other liquor they could drink. After all it was Christmas Day. Most of the crew had used the satellite radio to call home. Bucky could sometimes hear the excited chatter coming from the kitchen about getting off the boat and seeing their families for the first time in two months. Bucky scrubbed the kitchen and helped make Christmas dinner for the crew. He ate his without really tasting it and left the galley when the drinking started.
Bucky laid in his bunk and wrote in his journal. We would go to Midnight Mass and in the morning mom would cook us bacon and hot cakes. We could have cookies and sandwiches for lunch. We went sledding one year and Steve got a cold that went into the New Year. Bucky closed his journal and pulled out Alison's sweater. He scrubbed it again and got more of the blood out, sadly some of her scent went with it. Bucky curled up next to it and closed his eyes. Her voice was still very clear in his head and he could remember what she had told him her Christmases had been like growing up.
I used to go to Midnight Mass until I was eight and grandpa said he was too damn old for that and than we started going to a morning service after presents. Sarah made us cookies and so did a teacher my grandpa worked with. I think her name was Ms. Norram and I think she was sweet on the old man too. She had laughed at the memory and Bucky could recall how if felt when she brushed his hair away from his face as they laid in bed one night. We had just finished making love and we couldn't sleep. She just started talking about us spending Christmas together. She asked if I wanted to go to Mass and we just started talking about what the holidays had been like for each of us growing up. Gifts we had gotten, things we did. She went ice skating with Sam and her friends. Did she go ice skating with Wanda? Did she talk Steve into going? Is she alright? Is Steve alright?
Bucky put the sweater and journal back in his bag and looked up the ceiling. He thought about getting on another boat once this on landed and decided against it. It was just a little too cramped for his liking. He could get a room and see about a job in the town for a bit until he figured out his next move. Don't you want somewhere to call home again? He sighed and rolled over trying to ignore her voice in his head. Sometimes hearing her voice wasn't too bad and at times he liked hearing it. When he was cleaning or cooking in the kitchen he could hear her singing or talking about mundane parts of her life. I nearly set my first apartment on fire trying to fry chicken. At night though when the ship was settling and everything was still it was her voice that made his head and chest hurt. I miss you. Don't you miss me? Don't you miss Steve and Becca? Come home James. Come home and you can be in our room and it will be fine again. Please come home.
She made you weak. She made you weak and broke you in a completely different fashion, hissed another voice in his head.
"Why don't you all shut the hell up?" muttered Bucky and he settled in to try and sleep. He did sleep and the dreams were almost too much to handle. He was in dress uniform and Becca was there looking the way she did when he shipped out was sitting next to him on a park bench wearing her favorite blue dress and her long hair hung in curls.
"You're an idiot," said Becca calmly and she looked out at the park and sighed. "You shouldn't waste a second chance. Not everyone gets them," said Becca sadly.
"I didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for her," said Bucky harshly. Becca shook her head and she looked ready to cry.
"I never told Steve that loved him and I had a second chance too and I didn't take it. I know he didn't love me the same way. I was just the annoying little sister after all. I should have said once though. Just once to get off my chest," said Becca looking at him sadly. Bucky looked at her puzzled and she stood.
"Don't be stupid. Don't waste your anymore of your second chance. I'm missed mine and now we're going to miss ours. Goodbye Jimmy," said Becca and she kissed him on the cheek before walking away.
Bucky woke up with a start in the dimly lit room and quickly wiped away his tears. He did miss his sister, but considering Alison and Steve had narrowly avoided dying by his hand when he wasn't in control he did what had to be the best for Becca. If they had found you and taken you instead you would be dead now, thought Bucky. He rolled over and waited for Becca's voice to come drifting in his head. Instead he found the quiet that he loathed and longed for.
December 28th 2016
"Thank you for coming," said Laura and she hugged Steve before turning to Alison. "It's good to see you again. Mom talked so much about you before we met it almost felt like you were family already. She really liked having you has a friend," said Laura and Alison turned a bit pink.
"I really enjoyed being her friend. She was an amazing person," said Alison. Laura nodded and looked to the front of the room where Becca's casket was. Laura was in her 50's, but Steve could easily see the younger versions of her mother and grandmother in her. Laura had the blue eyes that seemed to be a dominant trait in the Barnes bloodline. Her brown hair was streaked with gray though and she looked so tired and run down to Steve it hurt him.
"Thomas isn't sure if we should take her back to New York. Dad is here and well we're not sure if we'll get any privacy if we take her back to New York. They kept calling for over two weeks when the story broke about Uncle James. It was insane," admitted Laura and Alison nodded.
"She gave one reporter a solid three minutes of swearing before hanging up the phone. I'm sure I learned a few new ones from her,' said Alison and she got Laura to smile and Steve could see it was a real smile.
"You should have heard her when we were growing up and the ballgame was on. Between her mouth and her pin up past she wasn't always welcomed in most circles, but she made sure everyone was welcomed in hers," said Laura. She excused herself to greet some other visitors and Alison sighed before looking up at him.
"Do you want to see her?" asked Alison and Steve nodded even though he really didn't want to. He honestly hated how funeral homes did make up on people. Since coming back he had gone to a few funerals and every time he saw how made up someone was in made him sick and he couldn't figure out why really. Maybe it was just how overdone some people looked or because he could still see them in their youth and the makeup seem a fake way to make them look young again. They went up together and were greeted by Becca's son, Thomas.
"I'm glad you came," said Thomas shaking Steve's hand before turning to greet Alison.
"I wish we were seeing each other again under better circumstances. You were very kind to my mother the last few months and I can never thank you enough for that," said Thomas.
"You're mother was a very sweet woman. It was an honor to know her," said Alison. Thomas gave a slight nod to the casket and there was Becca. Alison let out a small sigh.
"She had me do her nails before she left. I'm glad it held up," said Alison. Steve looked at Becca's hands and the nail polish was a pale shade of pink. She always came home and would clean the dough out from under her nails. Bucky would ask why she insisted on long nails considering her work. Becca would scoff and say 'A lady's hands declare her habits.' and Bucky would tell her she was no lady.
The memory of their little apartment in Brooklyn hit Steve hard now. How it sounded when Becca would mock Bucky or would tease him him when he was drawing her. How it smelled when she cooked them dinner or did the wash in sink slammed hard into Steve's mind. He could see his mother and Bucky's mom bring Becca home and Bucky making faces when she threw up on him. Becca would always take his arm when he walked her home and she always had something smart to say when boys catcalled her. How she would hold still for hours when he needed a model for a project. It's not fair. She was the baby. She wasn't supposed to go before me or Bucky, thought Steve bitterly.
"Could you both stay a bit after the wake tomorrow? Mom had some things she wanted you both to have," said Thomas.
"It's not a problem," said Steve and Alison nodded. They chatted for a bit more with Laura and Thomas before heading out. Steve got behind the wheel of the rented car and Alison looked out the window as they drove back to the hotel. Alison was quiet and Steve knew he should talk to her, but was at lost.
"Are you alright?" asked Alison when they parked at the hotel.
"I'm working on it," said Steve. Alison nodded.
"I might take an early flight home after the service. Sam's supposed to be back and I can only leave Wanda with the dog for so long," said Alison giving him a hint of the smile.
"She spoils the dog huh?" asked Steve trying to figure out how to bring up what they really needed to talk about. How are you really doing? At times I still feel like my body's taking me for ride. Is it the same for you in your head? thought Steve.
"And then some, she's a good kid," said Alison. Steve nodded and when he couldn't figure out what to say he got out the car and Alison followed him into the hotel. Alison spent the night awake planning out the finer points of her exit plan while Steve ran a marathon on a treadmill.
…..
A couple thousand miles away as Steve finished mile twenty and Alison made sure her flight was going to leave late tomorrow afternoon. Bucky was renting a small room in La Coruna and still trying decide his next move. It was mid afternoon and it was his first real day in the city. He had helped the crew unload and get a new load on the boat. He made sure the door was double locked then he shoved a chair under the knob before emptying out the backpack to take stock again.
He had the funds to go anywhere on the cheap if he needed it. His mother would be shocked to see him stealing. Well they stole everything from me first, thought Bucky has he took out some Euros before shoving the box back in the backpack. The weapons were simple, a Glock, a few clips and a couple of bombs. You shouldn't keep those, spoke up the Alison voice and he put them back in the bag. I might need them, just in case, thought Bucky. He didn't fit into the clothes so he left them out. He could pick up something along the way. The gloves fit though and so did the jacket so he kept those.
He had filled up two notebooks and a third was halfway filled. He had tried to keep them in order of his life, but thoughts just popped up and had to be written down. He was terrified to forget any detail of his life again. Bucky decided to pick up some more journals and copy what he had written in the other two. He would keep them in the backpack so if he had to run again he would have them to go too. The others he would keep out so he could reread them as much as he he wanted.
Bucky sat down and opened a journal and started writing about Becca. Becca had always like winter in city. She loved the holidays and always had small crafts around the apartment . She made paper chains and snowflakes from any paper she could find and hung them around the apartment. They couldn't always get a tree, but Becca made tree shaped cookies-gingerbread and sugar cookies that were better than a plant in his mind. Bucky wrote and tried to forget the dream he had on Christmas Day. I should have told Steve I was in love with him. Had she been in love with Steve and he never noticed? Bucky sat the journal aside and thought. Becca had always been around, hanging on Steve and being a pest. Had he not seen what was in front of him? Well she was sister and Steve was his best friend, the thought had never crossed his mind that Becca had felt that way for Steve. It would have taken getting used too, but I know Steve would have done right by her, thought Bucky. He went to start writing again when he started really thinking about the dream. Don't be stupid. Don't waste your anymore of your second chance. I'm missed mine and now we're going to miss ours. Goodbye Jimmy.
Bucky felt his chest tighten as he kept thinking. Becca was physically an old lady and her health had been slowly going down since he saw her last. She's gone. She was saying goodbye because she's dead. She's gone and now you'll never see her again. Bucky pushed his journal away and wanted to scream. He was being stupid for trying to make sense of a dream. Becca was fine and with her family enjoying the holiday. Maybe she got Steve and Alison to go see her in California. Bucky hoped Steve went at any rate. Alison had Sam's family to go to, who did Steve have other than Becca and her family. He had you and you left again, spoke up that hateful voice that almost sounded like himself.
You can always come back, said the Alison voice. Bucky looked up and saw Alison sitting across from him. She was wearing the brown sweater he had balled up in his backpack and blue jeans and her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail.
"We're waiting for you to come home," said Alison and Bucky closed his eyes.
"You aren't here. You aren't real," he muttered.
"Don't you want to come home?" asked Alison sadly.
"I don't have a home. You aren't here and you aren't real so stop it," said Bucky digging his nails into his palm. He opened his eyes and she was gone. Bucky staggered to the sink and got a glass of water. He chugged it quickly before going over to the bed and falling into it. He dreamed that Alison hadn't snapped him out of it and he watched helpless as people hurt her over and over again. Her green eyes locked on him as she pleaded for him to help her.
…
Alison looked down at the ring and her eyes blurred from trying not to cry. She didn't understand why Becca had left her this ring.
"I don't know if I can accept this. It's been in your family for ages. I'm sure one the grand kids would want it," said Alison. Thomas shook his head and closed Alison's hand around the ring. The service and the wake had wrapped up and Steve and Alison had gone back to Laura's home so that Thomas and Laura could pass on what Becca had sat aside for them.
"It wasn't my daughter's or daughter in law's style and all of Laura's girls passed it up ages ago. My mother told me to insist that you take this ring," said Thomas with a sad smile. Alison studied the ring and found it might be a bit small on her fingers right now. She slipped it on the chain with the dog tags.
"Until I can re-size it. She had very delicate hands," said Alison toying with the ring on the chain. Thomas gave a small smile.
"She said they were good for making delicate things. She also wanted you to read this," said Thomas handing her an envelope with Becca's handwriting on it.
"Thank you," said Alison. Thomas gave her a quick hug and left the room so Alison could read in private.
Alison
If you are reading this than I have gone on. I had a good life and I while I have a few regrets, most of the ride was incredible and I'm very certain I wouldn't change much of it. I do wish we could have met sooner though. I've enjoyed getting to know you and can say you have become one of my closest friends and I treasure the time we were able to spend together.
The ring I'm leaving you was the wedding gift from our father to our mother. I know how Jimmy feels about our father, but since I never met the man I can't judge him fairly. I know the ring meant the world to our mother though and she made me promise that if Jimmy ever found a girl he wanted to marry that I was to give her the ring. I'm hoping beyond hope that he is home by the time you get this and that you've given him the proper kick in the ass he deserves for scaring you, me and Steve so badly. If he isn't I still want you to kick him in the ass properly for me when he does come home. I know he's gone through a lot, but so have you and you two need each other to get by. Speaking from personal experience nothing seems that terrible when someone you love is by your side.
I know he loves you and after you're done kicking him in the ass let him know that you still love him. Take care of him and Steve for me. I know it's a tall order, but I can't think of anyone else I can trust to handle those two stubborn idiots.
Take care of yourself too darling and know that in your heart you are a Barnes and that I love you the way I would have loved a sister.
Rebecca.
Alison was torn between laughter and tears when she finished reading Becca's letter. She studied the ring and felt a tingle of what could be the start of a panic attack. If Jimmy ever found a girl he wanted to marry. Had he told Becca that he wanted to marry her or did Becca just assume it was something he wanted and that the closest he was going to get to marriage was with her? Alison waited for the haze to roll in and not be able to make sense of her own thoughts and it didn't come. I have to find him, I have to tell him that his sister is gone. Alison folded the letter and put it in her purse. She was going to honor Becca's wishes of making sure her brother and Steve were taken care of. She just had to find Bucky first.
Steve was a bit puffy eyed when he dropped her off at the airport and Alison felt a tinge of guilt has he hugged her and told he would see her back at home. If you get Bucky back he might not be so mad, thought Alison. She turned off her phone and showed the agent her fake ID as Anna Bates.
"Oh like Anna from Downton Abbey?" asked the slightly older woman grinning.
"Yep," said Alison with her own fake smile. Alison got on the plane and felt oddly calm.
The plane took off and Alison toyed with the ring and her tags. You can make this right. You love Bucky and you owe Steve for saving your life and you need to make this right, thought Alison.
…
Bucky wandered the streets aimless has people around him chatted around him. Plans for New Year's Eve parties and gatherings mostly. Last minute gift swapping between friends and talk about what they had gotten for Christmas. He was picking up some more journals when he heard two women in another aisle chattering away happily.
"I think I want the wedding in spring. I'm hoping that we can get Father Garza to marry us. He married my parents and all my sisters so maybe he'll do one more," said the woman and her friend laughed.
"I almost pity your papa. Four girls to marry off. I think he might faint from relief once you're married off," said the other woman.
"Maybe those tears were joy from getting sons at last," said the first woman and they both started giggling. Bucky picked up three hard bound journals and more pens. They kept talking about dresses and flowers and his head started to hurt. He paid quickly and almost ran out of the shop for fresh air.
"I would have said yes." Bucky looked and there was Alison in the brown sweater with her hair in the ponytail. "You never asked though." Bucky turned and started walking quickly back towards the room he was renting.
"She's not here and she's not real. She's not here and she's not real," Bucky muttered to himself. You wish she was though, he thought. I miss her. Bucky shook the thoughts away. She was safer without him in her life. Bucky turned down the street and forced himself to walk normally back to the room. He didn't want any attention paid to him. Bucky made up his mind though to leave here tomorrow morning. Get on a bus and see where he ended up. How many miles can I put between us before she's out of my head? thought Bucky. He wondered why he kept seeing Alison and hearing her voice in his head. Steve hadn't come into his mind to screw with him like this. Well you weren't in love with Steve and you could barely remember your own god damned life before she came in it. She should have just left me alone. If she had maybe I would have died and saved a lot of trouble for everyone. I don't want to love her anymore. It hurts too much. Bucky let himself back into the room and put the chain on and a chair under the knob.
"It's a good thing I got here first," said Alison and Bucky wanted to scream until he realized the voice sounded tired and flat. Not the happy, but calm tone he was used to hearing in his head. Bucky turned around and there, sitting at the kitchen table was Alison. She stood up and Bucky could see dark circles under her eyes, how old and tired she looked for being only thirty. She stood up and gave him a very tired and relieved smile.
"Hello James," said Alison. Bucky let the bag fall from his fingers before walking towards her. Her hair was long and past her shoulders, She was wearing jeans and a over sized black sweater that made her appear thinner than ever. She's not here and she's not real, thought Bucky until he touched her arm and felt the soft fabric through his gloved hand. His other hand found her other arm and his grip tightened on both of her arms. It was almost overwhelming all his senses to have her be here and to be real. The softness of her sweater, her scent and how she looked at him with that patience look she had mastered.
"I am so happy I found you," said Alison softly. Bucky's grip tightened on her arms and without letting go of her arms he pushed her against the wall and she winced a bit has her head made contact with the wall.
"How the hell did you find me!" demanded Bucky.
…..
Finding him had been easier than she had planned on. Alison told the ship captains she was looking for her brother. Their grandmother had passed and she needed to tell him. Money also loosened a few tongues when she had been stonewalled. The fourth ship she had stopped at had been her lucky break and a man who had lost his own grandmother while he was at sea spilled that Bucky had been on the ship and that he was most likely renting a room where all the unattached sailors crashed before boarding again. Alison thanked him and gave him a hundred euros that left the man floored.
Following his directions Alison made her way to the building and once again money loosen a wheel and the landlord said he had rented to an American matching Bucky's appearance. He let her in the apartment and left. Bucky had been here and she just needed to wait.
The room wasn't too dirty or messy, but the bed had clearly been slept in and at least he was eating from the wrappers in the trash can. Alison picked up a journal and flipped it open to see very neat print on every line and front and back of each page.
I was told not to leave any witnesses. I had to burn the house down and they had children. I hope that they slept through the fire and that the smoke killed them. I hope it didn't hurt them. Alison shut the journal and sat down. Before she let her judgment slip they had started talking a bit about his time in Hydra and missions he had been on. He had talked about killing Tony's parents but he wasn't sure why he had been ordered to kill them. He remembered Kennedy and other people over the years. Clearly more details were coming back to him now and Alison felt her eyes water before brushing away tears annoyed with herself.
She stayed in the chair and about thirty minute later Bucky came into the apartment, threw the chain on the door and shoved a chair under the knob.
"It's a good thing I got here first," said Alison. Bucky turned around and looked bewildered at her. She stood up and tried to force her voice to sound normal.
"Hello James," said Alison. He looked so conflicted that Alison wasn't sure what he was thinking or feeling. He dropped a bag he was carrying and closed the distance between them in seconds. He was wearing gloves and she could feel the pressure in his hands has his grip tightened on her arms. He had gripped her arms this way when he confessed that he loved her in the apartment. He asked her if she was tired of thinking. Didn't she just want to not think for a bit. I'm so tired of thinking. I just want to be for a bit, thought Alison.
"I am so happy I found you," said Alison softly. The words were out of her mouth without thought. She had missed him, missed him terribly. I miss waking up with you, talking you, listening to music with you. I just missed you, thought Alison. Bucky's grip tightened on her arms and he without letting go of her he pushed her against the wall.
"How the hell did you find me!" demanded Bucky. His dark blue eyes look frantic and enraged at her and Alison swallowed hard before answering.
"Guessed really. I figured you couldn't get a plane out of South America and that you weren't coming back to the States and..." Bucky shook her bit and his grip was almost painful now.
"Did anyone follow you? Does anyone know you're here?" Bucky hissed and Alison shook her head no. He let go of her arms and started pacing around the room. Alison stayed where she was watching him carefully. She was scared for a lot of reasons. He seemed somewhat in control, but he had never been physically violent with her when he was in control. He seemed scared and annoyed based on his pacing. She hadn't seen him act this way in almost six months. He was muttering and casting very dark looks at her.
"God damn what the hell is wrong with you? I left for a reason and you have no right to come after me. I left you! Does that not mean a damn thing to you?" snapped Bucky. Alison swallowed hard again. It did mean something to her that he had left. It hurt her and confused her that he had left, but she had found him. I have to tell him and we'll go from there, thought Alison
"Becca passed away," said Alison and it stopped his pacing. He turned back to her and looked disbelieving.
"Don't lie to me," Bucky said softly and that sent a chill through her. The calm before the storm, thought Alison. "Don't try to trick me into coming back by using her," said Bucky. Alison pulled out her necklace and showed him the ring Becca had given her.
"She told me it was your mother's ring," said Alison. Bucky came back over and he grabbed the chain hard and pulled at it to study the ring closer.
"No," Bucky whispered has he looked at the ring. His whole face softened and then broke as he started to cry. "No. It's not fair. I'm supposed to be dead," said Bucky and he sat down and cried harder. He was impossible to understand what he was saying with his head down on the table and he was shaking from how hard he was crying. Alison approached him carefully and put her hand on his head.
"It's going to be alright. Just breath and let it out," said Alison.
"This is all your fault," spat Bucky looking up at her and Alison flinched at his tone. "I didn't remember her. Not really until you came along. You could have saved everyone a lot of trouble if you had just left me alone that morning," said Bucky coldly. Alison nodded and gathered her thoughts.
"Part of this is my fault and you will never understand how deeply sorry I am," said Alison. She closed her eyes to collect herself more and missed the stunned look on Bucky's face. He wanted to blame her because it was the easy way out. You left. Not her, said a voice. Alison looked at him again and went on.
"If I had been better at my job. If I treated you properly and if I had walked away when I started feeling how I felt than you wouldn't be here right now. You would be safe and with your family. I messed up and I can't take that back. What I can do now is see that you get home. I have a list of people Steve can speak to about treating you. They're really good doctors who have handled really extreme cases in the past. They'll help you get better," said Alison. Bucky looked at her puzzled before standing up and going over her.
"What about you?" asked Bucky and Alison shrugged.
"This isn't about me. Not entirely. I want to make this right and I want to help you. I was supposed to help you and I messed that up," said Alison. Bucky looked at her even more puzzled before he closed his eyes and stepped away from her.
"I don't love you anymore. Taking me back and having someone else fix me isn't going to make me love you again," said Bucky.
"I didn't lie to you so don't lie to me," said Alison calmly and he looked at her. "I screwed up, I was completely unprofessional with you, and I didn't help you the way I should have. You fell in love with me though and I fell in love with you. You left for some stupid and noble reason. Trying to keep me safe or something stupid along those lines. I still love you though and we can't change that," said Alison.
Bucky wouldn't look at her, so Alison approached him and put his hands on her waist. She touched his face and he looked so worried. She might have completely screwed up being his nurse, but she loved him and she didn't think she could screw up loving him.
"You don't have worry. You can't hurt me," said Alison and she stood up on her toes to kiss him. He hesitated for a second before he pulled her close and kissed her hard.
…
Bucky wanted to push her away, but the second his hands were on her all self control was out the window. He frowned a bit when he realized how skinny she really was, some of the curves he had enjoyed were gone, She still smelled the same to him though and when she kissed him he found she tasted the same. Don't. Don't do this. Don't lead her on this way, said a small voice. Bucky didn't listen to it as Alison pushed him on to the bed and straddled him. Something about the hard and needing look in her eye told him to go with this. That he was going to lose this round to her at least.
"Take off those god damn gloves," demanded Alison while she pulled off her sweater and went to undo his pants. Bucky peeled his gloves off and Alison greedily grabbed his hands and put them on her breasts. Her moan made him hard in a second and she moved her body against his.
"James," muttered Alison as she kissed him and pulled his pants down. "I missed you."
He had missed her too and some part of him knew they shouldn't be doing this. I just need to say goodbye. Just once before I leave her for good, thought Bucky. She quickly undressed and got back into bed with him. She didn't wait and she didn't ask before she took him inside her. Bucky went to roll Alison onto her back when she grabbed his hands and pinned him down. What the hell? thought Bucky. She had never be able to hold him back before. Something in her is different and now he was begging as she rode him.
"I want to touch you. Please?" asked Bucky. Alison took his hands and put them on her hips as she kept riding him.
"Just let me," said Alison. She bit lightly at his shoulder and he shiver when she kissed the bite mark. Bucky moaned as Alison worked her body against him. She leaned back and rode him slowly. Bucky couldn't remember if he had ever been taken this way by a woman before. He had been with her often, but something about this was so different than how it had been between them before. Something about her was different and Bucky wasn't sure if it was all his fault. Bucky sat up quickly and flipped Alison so she was on her back. She looked up at him and wrapped her legs around his waist.
"Do whatever you want. It won't hurt me," said Alison. Bucky paused for a second. She told him that before she kissed him. That he couldn't hurt her and the thought was laughable. She was like a piece of glass and he had easily bruised her before even he had been trying to be careful. Alison took his left hand and pressed it hard into her hip. He dug his metal fingers into her and she let out a small moan of pleasure before urging him to keep going. Bucky straightened up, pulled her legs over his shoulders and pinned her arms down.
"Is this what you want?" asked Bucky hoarsely and she begged him again to do what he wanted. Bucky did just that. He wasn't sure if he had always liked it rough, but right now he want to be rough with her. He dug his fingers into hips and slammed into her hard. He did it harder each time and she simply moaned with pleasure and begged for more.
"I can take it," pleaded Alison moving to meet his thrusts. Her climax hit him hard and she raked her nails down his arms and she came again quickly with his next thrust.
"Jesus Ally," muttered Bucky and she gripped his hips and kept moving through her climax. Bucky broke down when she climaxed a third time and came into her damn near exhaustion. They were both covered in sweat and the confusion of what to do now started sinking in for both of them. Alison went to take Bucky's hand and he moved it away from her.
"You still don't want to come home do you?" asked Alison softly. The realization that no matter what happened he wouldn't come home with her hurt. She had a feeling that going with him wasn't on the table either.
"I can't," said Bucky. He did want to come home with her and yet if he did it would only make things worse. If they come looking for me again what happens to you or anyone else who gets in the way? thought Bucky.
"Is it for that stupid and noble reason of trying to keep me safe?" asked Alison and Bucky heard an edge in her tone. It was hurt and somewhat bitter. What do I have to say to get you to understand, thought Bucky.
"I could have killed you. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I killed you. I do love you. It's too much though. I feel too much with you. I thought I could handle it and I can't," said Bucky.
"What if I left? You went back to Steve and a real doctor. I'll go back to the city or somewhere else in the state. I'm sure I can get a good reference from Pepper or David for any hospital or clinic. You would be safe too," said Alison.
"I just need to be on my own for bit. I can't explain it, but I just need to be alone," said Bucky. Alison sighed and shook her head.
"I guess it would be stupid of me to ask for how long," said Alison. She looked at him and it was an effort of will for Bucky to keep a straight face while looking at her. "I just don't want anything else to happen to you. If you come back, Steve could keep you safe and you don't have to worry about me anymore. It's a really long story, but I'll be fine," said Alison.
"You're different. What happened after I left?" asked Bucky. Alison got out of the bed and started getting dressed. Bucky grabbed her arm and made her look at him.
"Tell me what happened after I left," said Bucky.
"Get dressed and I'll tell you," said Alison and she looked nervous. Bucky got dressed and they sat down at the table. Bucky listened as Alison told him how sick she had been when they got her back to New York. How they were very sure the fever was going to cause brain damage, if not her death. You should have got her help sooner, thought Bucky.
"It was sort of a group idea really and even then they were divided on it. Tony and David were for it, Bruce and Cho weren't sure it was the best idea. None of them were even sure it would work really. The decision was up to Sam and Steve in the end. Steve donated about a pint of his blood and well it's working. Not the exact same way it did with you and Steve, but some of it carried over," said Alison. Bucky had to fight the urge to punch something and he wasn't sure why he felt so mad. Because now she's changed so much from the person you met. Is she still the person you fell in love with? thought Bucky.
Yes she was the person he loved, but she was different now too. The woman he had fallen in love with would put herself on the line for him. Tracking him down this way and wanting him to be safe was who she was. He had changed her too much though in other ways and how much more could he change her before she wasn't herself anymore? How long before she hated him for becoming something she didn't know?
"So now you don't have to worry about me. I can take care of myself," said Alison.
"You managed to take care of yourself when I wasn't in control," said Bucky and Alison paled a bit. There it was, didn't she hate him for making her kill those people to save him? Granted they would have killed her first and done god knows what else to her if she hadn't defended herself. She wouldn't of had too if he had been in control. I've killed before, what's another couple of bodies in my book. She shouldn't have a book.
"I did what had to be done. I didn't know how else to get us out," said Alison.
"I put you in that position. You aren't a killer and I made you one. It's not just the serum that's changed you. I know you say that you love me, but someday...someday you're going to look at me and wonder if I'm worth everything you've become. I think you need time away from me too. To really think," said Bucky.
"You really don't want to come home," said Alison calmly. Bucky saw how deeply hurt she was and that maybe he had finally said the thing to make her leave.
"I can't go home with you," said Bucky. Her hands were shaking a bit as she took the necklace off and took Becca's ring off the chain and put it in his hand.
"She would want you to have this. I won't tell anyone that I found you, but you should leave after I go. I'm sure they're looking for me and despite my best efforts I'm sure they found something," said Alison. She picked up her backpack and fished out a disposal cell phone. Alison entered in something before she put it on the table.
"I added my phone number and Steve's is already in there. I figure we would need it to call home. When and if you want to come home, we'll be there. No tracking chips are in the phone. When I leave I won't know where you're going. Take care of yourself James," said Alison.
She shouldered her backpack and calmly walked out of the apartment. Bucky felt the ring dig into his palm and the pain was mildly annoying. Alison hadn't asked for her father's tag back though. Maybe she still held out some vain hope that he come home someday and it could be normal between them. No. I want her to move on with someone who is better for her. I won't. I won't find anyone like her again, thought Bucky. Bucky got up and quickly packed his bag. Alison had found him, maybe he could find her and give her the tag back.
Bucky left the apartment and started heading for the main tourist part of town trying to find her. She has to stay somewhere. Bucky went to get around a group of people huddled around when he heard Alison singing.
I say high, you say low
You say why and I say I don't know, oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello
Hello, Hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Hello hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello
Why, why, why, why, why do you say goodbye, goodbye, oh no.
Bucky eased through the crowd and saw Alison was sitting on the ground next to an old man and was playing a guitar. She normally looked so cheerful and happy when she played and now she just looked tired and hurt.
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello.
I think you've hurt her enough. Let her go. Just walk away and leave her alone, thought Bucky and he carefully eased his way out of the crowd. Bucky didn't see as Steve approached Alison and they headed off so they could talk.
….
Alison walked back the way she came without really thinking or seeing where she was going. She knew. Deep down she knew he wouldn't come with her and she simply didn't want to face it. She needed Bucky to spell it out for her. How stupid was she really? This didn't hurt the way Matt's death had hurt. Matt's death was a bright and hot sort of pain. This was a dull ache that would fade, but never really leave her.
Everything you've become. I don't really know what I am now, thought Alison. She most certainly wasn't the woman she had been eight months ago. The woman from eight months ago wouldn't have thought herself capable of taking another person's life no matter what. The woman from eight months ago didn't think she would fall this hard and fast in love again only to have it break her heart this way.
Bucky had said he loved her, but did he really love the person she was now? I killed those people and I didn't feel it at the time. I wish there had been a different way, but I still can't see one. You killed for me and I can look past it. Can't you look past what I did? Alison didn't need to think. All she had done since he had left was think. Aren't you tired of thinking? Yes. Yes she was very tired of thinking.
She loved people, but maybe she was done being in love. She had friends and she had her patchwork family that she would care for, but she wasn't going to fall in love anymore. It was simple. Lock the door and throw away the key. She didn't want that level of love anymore in her life. Matt's death had stomped on that feeling and Bucky's leaving and his words had turned wanting that feeling into ash. Being in love didn't work for her at all and maybe it never would.
Alison didn't hate Bucky, at least he had been honest with her. It would take time, but with enough time maybe she could be not so in love with him. Like with Matt, it was good while it lasted and now it was done and she needed to let go. If and when he came back, maybe she could help him. What if he decides that he's still really in love with you and comes back? She would cross that bridge when it was time. Did he consider that you might not love him anymore?
"Why do you look so sad? Young girls shouldn't look so sad on such a nice day," said a male voice in Spanish. Alison spotted a very old man sitting on the ground and fiddling with an old guitar. Normally such a sexist, 'now smile' comment would have her rolling her eyes, but something about his tone told her he was concerned. It was impossible to tell how old he was, but his fingers were crooked and had the look of someone who had played for years. She hadn't touched her drum or her guitar since Bucky had left.
"Just a really bad couple of days," admitted Alison in Spanish.
"The New Year is just around the corner. Maybe those bad days will go away then," he said with a grin. Alison watched him as he finished tuning the guitar and he played the opening to 'Hey Jude' and she did smile lightly.
"My parents named me after that song," said Alison. His smile got even wider and he nodded at her.
"Ah your parents had good taste in music and in names. Stay awhile and I'll play for you. Try to make the rest of your year a little better," said the old man and Alison sat down next to him. What was the harm in sitting here a bit and listening to an old man play the Beatles? He played Hey Jude before fading out into Here Comes the Sun and then into I've Just Seen a Face. A few people dropped change and Euros into his empty case. His voice was a little off, but his guitar work was impressive.
"Do you mind if I play for bit?" asked Alison. The old man handed his guitar over and Alison adjusted a few strings before going into Yesterday. She was barely aware of the crowd gathering and more money dropping into the case. Alison went to hand him his guitar back and he shook his head.
"Do Hello Goodbye before you go. Hello to the New Year, Goodbye to the old one. It will be good for you," said the old man smiling. Alison gave him a small smile before she started playing.
You say yes, I say no
You say stop, and I say go, go, go, oh no
You say goodbye and I say hello.
Hello, Hello.
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello.
Hello, Hello
I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello.
Hasn't that been so much of your life? Saying goodbye? You think you would be use to it by now, thought Alison as she played. She finished and there was clapping and she shook her head noticing the case had more money in it now.
"Alison," said a voice and she felt like a kid who was in for a scolding. She looked up and saw Steve standing over her. Alison fished out what was left of her Euros, a little over two thousand and she handed the money and the guitar over.
"It was nice to say hello for a bit," said Alison before she followed Steve. The old man shook his head and stared after the girl. She clearly need a smile and he hoped she would get one again.
…
He might be almost hundred years old, but at times he still felt like the clueless boy from Brooklyn. Right now walking next to Alison who looked slightly beat down he felt a bit like that clueless boy. They didn't say anything for miles and when she did speak up she sounded drained.
"He was here, but I lost him. He doesn't want to come home," said Alison. She wasn't being completely honest and Steve wondered what had happened while she was here. The rage he felt died down on the flight. She had stupid and reckless, than again he had done his own fair share of stupid and reckless things for Bucky. It still hurt Steve that she hadn't told him what she was doing.
"Why didn't you tell anyone what that you were coming here? We could have helped. I know you love him and I do too, but…" Alison shook her head.
"I messed up and I had to make it right. I shouldn't have fallen in love with him. If I hadn't let my feelings get the better of me...well no use crying over spilled milk," said Alison trying to sound light and failing. She shoved her hands into her pockets and Steve could tell she was trying not to cry.
"He fell in love with you too. If anyone is to blame I guess you could blame me too. I hired you after all," said Steve and Alison shook her head and looked away.
"You know we could play the blame game all day," said Alison and Steve nodded. "I just needed to try. It was a stupid long shot. Besides, I'm really not the person he fell in love with anymore," said Alison and Steve gave her a good long look.
"He fell in a love with a smart, funny and kind woman. I'm pretty sure you're still all those things," said Steve and Alison shook her head.
"I killed four people. I stabbed someone in their neck, I crushed a guy skull's open and I shot two people. I couldn't get the last guy out of the way though. He was the one who gave Bucky the orders. He made Bucky hurt me and I almost couldn't snap him out of it. He was going to make Bucky watch when he," Alison cut herself off and Steve didn't have to guess that hard about what could of happened to her. She hadn't mentioned that during her debriefing and Steve couldn't blame her
"He's the one Bucky killed," said Steve and Alison nodded.
"I'm sure that messed him up too," said Alison.
"He did it for the same reason you did what you did. You had to save each other.," said Steve. Alison nodded, but Steve had a feeling what happened in South America was going to take time for both of them some time to get through. If you had stayed Buck, you could have helped each other get through this, thought Steve
"I also feel really different since coming back. I am different and it's not bad in some ways and in others ways I still don't know what to make of it," said Alison. They sat down together and Steve thought carefully.
"Sometimes I forget what it was like before I enlisted. Before I enlisted I didn't think I could kill anyone. When I got to Europe and started fighting Hydra, they were people who wanted to kill me and anyone who stood in their way so it wasn't so bad when they died in battle. I signed up for the battle though and it's what I told myself to get through it," said Steve.
"I'm used to death. I'm not used to being the cause. I didn't see another way out though and I would it again. I guess that's what freaks me out the most. Knowing that I could and would do it again," said Alison.
"I would be worried if it didn't freak you out. If you could have found another way that would have spared them you would have taken it even though they would have killed you and might have used Bucky to do it. That's who you are and who Bucky fell in love with," said Steve. "Do you mind me asking what else is making you feel different?" asked Steve.
"I don't feel so anxious anymore. It's like most of the nagging voices are gone. Most of them anyway and even than I can shut them out to do stuff. I couldn't shut them out after the accident at all. Everything seems really freaking easy now. I can read a chapter in a textbook and recall the whole thing without taking notes. I mean word for word recall of the whole thing. I can look at anything and I can recall it perfectly now. I memorized all the names of the boats docked here and their captains in ten minutes two weeks ago," said Alison.
"On top getting top scores with the exams too. That is impressive," said Steve trying to tease her and getting a hint of smile.
"I was used to the little nagging voice. She was messy, but she was a part of who I was. We sort of got used to each other," said Alison.
"Sometimes it feels like I don't belong in this body," said Steve and Alison looked stunned. "I knew Project Rebirth was going to change me, but for twenty some years I lived in that body and I knew it. I imagine that's what it's like in your mind right now. It does get easier," admitted Steve.
"I am grateful that you agreed to save me, don't think I'm not. It's just going to take time to adjust. I also got some of that being freaky strong side effect. I was able to bench press about three hundred pounds the other day and I wasn't even trying," said Alison.
"The serum makes the good in you even greater. I should have known you would try to go after him. You love him, maybe even more now than you did before," said Steve. Alison stood up and looked at him.
"I don't know where we go from here. He doesn't want to come home and he thinks that leaving is the best thing he could do for me and well for everyone. Honestly though, I'm very tired of saying goodbye to people. That doesn't get easier," said Alison.
"I know," said Steve who had said goodbye to far too many people in his life too. "We'll keep looking though and when we find him we'll drag him back if we have too," said Steve. If Steve had caught up with him, he would have knocked him out and forced Bucky to come home. He deserved to come home and at least have a chance to be happy again. This disappearing act was some form of self punishment for something that wasn't his fault.
"Come on. Let's go home," said Steve. He put an arm around Alison and they started walking towards where Steve parked a QuinJet.
…
"Steve found her," said Natasha and Bruce looked up from whatever he was tinkering with.
"But not Bucky?" asked Bruce and Natasha sat down at the lab table.
"Alison said the trail went cold," said Natasha and something in her tone gave Bruce pause.
"You think she's lying?" asked Bruce.
"I think she is and she isn't," said Natasha and Bruce scoffed.
"I love that double agent logic of yours," said Bruce and Natasha shrugged.
"I don't think she found exactly what she was looking for, but she found enough to give her some things to think about," said Natasha.
"He does love her you know. This isn't easy for him either and it's for best that she didn't find him," said Bruce.
"I thought about going after you, but it wouldn't have been for the same noble reason that she went after Barnes," said Natasha and Bruce laughed a little.
"I imagine you had some choice words lined up," said Bruce and Natasha grinned.
"In at least seven different languages," said Natasha easily.
"So did they turn out like us?" asked Bruce.
"Yes and no. They didn't dance everything the way we did and just because he walked away doesn't mean it's over. She's gonna need time to accept that she's pissed off at him and he's gonna need time to see she needed him as much as he needed her," said Natasha. "When he does come back he's going to have to find own choice words to get her back," said Natasha.
Bruce looked at Natasha and tried to gather his thoughts when they both heard several crashes of thunder and then the lab was filled with light. When their eyes adjusted they saw the shape of Thor standing in the lab.
"I need you to come with me now!" said Thor and he grabbed Bruce's arm.
"What a minute," protested Bruce.
"There is no time," said Thor and before Natasha could say anything there was more thunder and light. When her eyes adjusted Bruce and Thor were gone and Thor had made a spectacular mess in the lab.
"Goddamn Asgardians!" snapped Natasha and she went to radio Steve. You couldn't have waited another few minutes, thought Natasha.
…
When they got back to HQ, Natasha and Sam were waiting for them in the hanger. Alison noticed they both looked annoyed for different reasons. Steve followed Natasha down the hall as she gave a report about Thor's recent coming and going. Alison looked up at Sam and tried to keep a straight face. Alison knew she had freaked him out and she could only imagine how worried he must have been.
"I'm sorry," said Alison.
"You scared the shit out of me," said Sam harshly.
"It was stupid and not one of my best ideas," said Alison. She was so tempted to tell Sam at the very least that she had found Bucky, but she gave her word that she wouldn't. Besides he made it clear that he had no desire to come back. What could they do to keep him here that didn't involve locking him up? He made a choice. Something she had wanted him to do since he had so many choices taken away from him. It still hurt though and Alison wasn't sure if she would ever really understand why he chose to be apart.
"I know how much you love him and this has to suck for you and," Alison cut Sam off by giving him a tight hug. Sam hugged her back just as tight and sighed.
"You just need to stop scaring me alright," said Sam. Alison let out a nervous laugh before pulling away.
"For the New Year my goal will be to not scare you so much," said Alison. Sam looked down and gave her a quick kiss on the forehead.
"I know your heart was in the right place. He thinks he's doing right by you with this vanishing act. You know what he's trying to work through and he just needs time to see things the right way," said Sam and Alison nodded while swallowing a lump in her throat.
"It's just hard," said Alison and Sam hugged her again. The tears that she had held back since she came back finally broke free. "I just miss him," said Alison.
"I know," said Sam.
…
Sam talked her in taking a nap and considering jet lag and more than a few sleepless nights it made sense to zone out for a bit. When she came to it was almost midnight. Wanda must be back and brought Bailey to her. The dog was curled up at the foot of the bed dozing. Alison reached out and rubbed the dog's ears. Bailey sprang awake and pounced on Alison while barking happily.
"I missed you too girl," said Alison. Alison decided to head down to the common room to celebrate New Year's Eve with her makeshift family. She wondered where Bucky was now and if he was safe and alright. Just be safe, thought Alison. With Bailey on her heels, Alison went downstairs and saw Steve, Tony, Natasha, Sam, Wanda, Vision, Maria and David lounging around half watching the New Year's Countdown and talking about why Thor wanted Bruce.
"Maybe the broke the Rainbow Bridge again," muttered Natasha and Alison was a bit stunned to see Natasha was drunk. Really drunk.
"Next time Thor pops in we're going to talk about this lack of communication between realms. It really pisses me off," said Tony. David sat down next to her and handed over a plate of sushi and sashimi.
"Eat," ordered David and Alison popped a piece of sashimi into her mouth and David took a piece off her plate and popped it into his mouth.
"Mmm. I don't think I had the tuna yet," said David and he took another piece off her plate. "So how would you feel about running some tests on yourself in the next few weeks? Just to see how your body is adjusting to the serum," said David quickly. Alison took a piece of the tuna roll and was about to eat it when David started coughing and then he started screaming and Alison let out her own scream of shock and panic. It looked like a his body was being covered with some sort of rock.
"What the hell?" cried Steve. Alison when to take David's hand when Sam pulled her away. It was only seconds and David's whole body was covered in the rock like skin.
"The tuna. Did anyone else eat the tuna roll," cried Alison trying to stay calm. It had been the last thing she had seen David touch and eat. What the hell is going on? thought Alison
"We did about ten minutes ago," said Maria and she pointed at Wanda who looked horrified.
"Go see if you can throw it up and get to the med center," said Alison. Maria grabbed Wanda and they went upstairs.
"I'll watch them," said Vision and he also looked very confused.
"I had some over an hour ago and I feel fine," said Sam.
"Than you get upstairs too and drink some salt water," said Alison. "It might affect people differently and," Alison stopped herself when she saw the rock skin cracking around David. A few moments later the rock skin came off and David sat there looking dazed and confused.
"What the hell just happened to me?" asked David.
It would take Alison and David weeks to really understand what had happened to him. He wasn't the only one who had this happen though based on news reports and stories they found online. Even those seemed spotty and filled with half truths since the side effects seemed different for everyone and what caused it varied too. It seemed to be fish though, fish oil tablets and seafood seemed to be a key factor. They didn't want to risk David being taken away, so other than the people who saw what happened no one else knew. What was certain though was David's skin was now unbreakable. Needles, scalpels, knives, nothing broke through now.
On top of trying to help David figure out what had happened to him, Alison simply threw herself into working on anything she could. She took her classes, trained with Natasha, she now had two new patients to work with for her clinic hours. She started logging her own experiments and tests on herself to see how the serum had changed her. She went running with Sam and Steve in the mornings and spent weekends helping Sophia and Renee with wedding plans. Tony had stunned her by asking for input on a project he was calling BARF. She sat aside time to start playing drums again. The guitar Matt had given her and the one she had gotten for Bucky sat untouched in a corner of her room. Alison crammed almost every second of her waking hours with something to work on.
It was when she stopped that Bucky came into her thoughts. Where are you? Are you safe? Why don't you come back? They slide into her mind easily and without pause. Alison sighed and twisted the dog tags. Her father's and Bucky's. She hadn't thought to ask her father's tag back. Like her father he had simply walked away and when she really thought about it the nagging questions that hung her over her childhood came back. Do you miss me at all? Do you really care about me at all? Was this all my fault somehow?
…
Bucky got on a bus heading for France. He took a seat near the back and watched as the landscape changed and day slowly faded to night. The ring was now on his chain with the dog tags. It was now his only link to his mother and his sister. Your mother would have liked her. She's a good girl, thought Bucky looking at the ring. It was too small for Alison's fingers. Her fingers in his hair and brushing it back behind his ears.
"I can't go back now," whispered Bucky. He heard the bus driver get on the PA and announce that they would stop in some town for a rest break and to watch the New Year come in. Bucky looked at couples and families on the bus laughing and joking and he decided to find another bus or start walking once they crossed the French border. Into Germany and where do I go from there? thought Bucky. It was another hour of people's excited chatter before the bus stopped near a small cafe. Bucky got off, adjusted the backpack and started walking. He couldn't be on that bus any longer. They were close enough to France anyway. He walked for hours not really caring where he was going.
Hadn't it been this way last year for him? Bucky was sure he had been alone somewhere near Missouri and sleeping in cabin. It had been snowing and he hated it. He started a small fire and curled up next to it has memories slammed into his head. Becca saying she couldn't sleep and curling up in his bed. Steve hacking cough and trying to find another blanket to keep him warm. Trying to stay warm while unloading another boat. Freezing in his cell in Italy. God he was tired of being cold.
You got used to being cold. It was the warmth you couldn't handle. Bucky hated to agree with the little nagging voice in his head, but it was right. He had been brought in from the cold by Steve and Alison. They were the warmth he had been missing for so long and it was too much. It burned him and he had to put it out. What about them? Aren't you worried this might smother that warmth?
Bucky was a little worried about what this was doing to Steve. Steve was and always would be a stupid punk who wouldn't let him go. He was a little surprised that Alison had managed to shake Steve off to find him. Was Steve on his trail now? Bucky didn't think so and kept walking. If and when Steve found him it wouldn't be good for either one of them. Bucky could just feel it in his gut. He didn't want to hurt Steve, but he needed his space now.
It was Alison that hung on his thoughts and in his dreams. She wouldn't have acted if you hadn't made the first move. You kissed her first and she was ready to leave when she thought she was hurting you. You should have just let her go right than and there. Why did you think you deserved her? You made her different and you hurt her.
Bucky drifted through France and into Germany unaware and caught a bus going to Romania. He couldn't ever remember being here and why would anyone look for him here? He got a small apartment in a run down building and traded labor for rent. He didn't think so much about her or Steve when he worked and it was a small bit of peace. He still wrote in his journals and when he found a small postcard of Steve in his Captain America uniform it went into his journal. He wished though he had a picture of Alison. Sometimes he could see her so clearly in his mind. He didn't hear her voice that much anymore and somehow that hurt.
The winter came and went one day Bucky saw the faint hint of spring sun peaking through the windows he had covered with newspaper. Bucky got up and did the normal rounds of making sure the boiler was dumped, the water pressure was right and the rat traps were emptied. After he was done Bucky decided to go out for a walk. It was the first week of April and it hit him that almost a year ago he decided to go back to New York. He had caught a train and started coming back. Going home. I was going home, thought Bucky.
There was a small open air market and Bucky wandered through it. There was a man selling flowers and Bucky frowned a bit. He had never bought Alison flowers. He didn't know what kind she liked. I bet she found someone who buys her flowers now. Bucky went to buy some apples when he saw a woman in a brown sweater with long brown hair walked by. He went grab her arm and she pulled and looked at him confused. She was younger than Alison and her brown eyes flashed worry.
"I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else," said Bucky and she hurried away quickly. Bucky bought his apples and started heading back to the apartment. He still didn't call it home in his mind. There was a small stand with plums and gave him pause. The woman was old and blond. She gave him a smile and nodded at plums.
"They are a little hard yet, but should be ready in a few days," said the old woman.
"I'll take three please," said Bucky. She bagged them and wished him a good day. He nodded and headed back to the apartment. He sat the fruit on the table and went to his journal.
Alison had messy handwriting and I liked it when she wore her hair down. She had a soap that smelled like plums. He sat the journal aside and took the sweater out of the backpack. He hadn't taken it out in months and her scent was almost gone. The little throw away phone was still in his backpack. You could call home. You could see her again. He stared at phone for a long time and wondered what going home would be like this time. At least this time you know people are waiting for you.
Notes-Going to take a break for a bit. I don't think my Civil War follow up will be this long. We'll see though. I hoped people enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.
Love it, hate it, review it please
