Bishi Pile Challenge: Challenge response to Memories, Shadows Minor to Veteran, Hair, Wind Word count: 2,086
Series: Friends 29/??
Author: Karina
Pairings: Duo + Zechs
Ratings: M 15+ In Australia Rated in the event of bad language and violence.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or the characters. That's the way it is.
Warnings: Not a death fic despite how it starts.
Character Challenge Lady Une, Zechs and Duo
Chapter 29
"So… how do you gain control of your dreams?"
"By expedient use of the word 'No'."
"Eh?" Duo stirred, pushing back against his warmth.
He had hoped to sleep, but that blissful state eluded him. And it would be blissful only if the nightmares stayed at bay, which was not always the case. Duo, it seemed, was as cursed with a wakeful mind as he, or was he attempting to hold off sleep and elude his own brand of night horror?
"You make a resolution and you persevere until you succeed."
"Just saying it will do nothing."
"You begin to establish control by forcing the dream to recognize your authority. It is not easy, but it is possible to exercise such control over our subconscious. You must be firm, strong. Resolute. A dream should be your fantasy to play in, not a device of torture. Within the dreamscape it is you who rule. You set the limits. You merely need to assert your authority."
"How the fuck am I supposed to do that? I mean, you're asleep. How the heck do you tell your dreams no?"
It was pleasant to have this warmth against him, warmth he had not shared for too long. Those days were long gone and this was only temporary and innocent, a requirement of survival, nothing less. Still, it was nice to savour while he had the opportunity.
"Do you know when you are dreaming the nightmares; do you recognize it? The memories that warp into a punishment should be recognizable to you. With practise you will be able to recognize them early in the dream, before it deteriorates."
Duo sighed softly in the darkness. "I… sometimes know from the start, but other times… those times I don't realize until the end, when it gets really bad."
"Yes, those are the hardest. In the dreaming process we are free to mix fantasy with reality and with memories. The stuff of dreams is made up of memory, imagination and impressions of reality peculiar to the dreaming individual. To gain control of your dreams does not happen immediately, it is something you need to practise to perfect. The first thing you need to do is to recognize what is dream, safe and even comforting, but a healthy relief for your subconscious and what will deteriorate into that other dreamscape, the one where everything lurks, waiting for you. When you recognize the dream and what it will be if it goes unchecked, you must determine if you want to dream it. You must consciously make that choice to assert your authority and end it."
"Damn, Zechs, that's not exactly easy to say, but it sure as hell ain't going to be so easy to do, you know?"
He brushed a lock of hair from his eyes and resisted the urge to snuggle closer. They were already pressed hard to each other and it was not really cold in the confines of the bag. He knew why they sought out the contact, not just he but Duo also. They each wanted to feel the physical presence of another person. After feeling alone for so long, to find another who knew the night horrors and entertained a largely solitary existence, warm physical contact, freely given, was to be savoured for however long it lasted.
As desirable as it was it was dangerous. Danger lurked in them wanting it too much and stepping beyond the comfort zone. To trespass on territory not ready to be traversed would be a mistake and he was thankful his body was weak enough not to react to the warm body on a more intimate level.
"I never said it would be easy or a quick fix. I did not succeed the first time, nor did I succeed the twentieth time I tried, but the point is I persevered and I did succeed. These things can not be rushed. You need to establish your control. It is, after all, your dream. Meditation techniques can help in strengthening your mental control. It is more than simply saying no and meaning it. You must prepare yourself to back that 'no' with your total belief in your ability to stop the horror."
"So just saying 'No, go the shit away', won't work?"
Had Maxwell honestly expected it to be that easy? Surely not. The younger man was bright and though somewhat depressed he had not abandoned what it was to want to live life to the full. Not yet, at least and if Zechs could do anything to influence circumstances, Duo never would take that self destructive road.
"Unfortunately, no. I do not know how bad your dreams have become, but mine were leading me down a personally destructive path. Had I not gained control of them I doubt I would be alive today, nanobots not withstanding. There is only so much a nanobot cluster can do and if you are truly intent on killing yourself, then nothing will stop you."
Duo considered in silence for a few minutes, listening to the wind howling beyond their shelter. He was glad he was not outside on this night, though the present conditions were a vast improvement on the previous night. It was far better to spend the night indoors and with company than it was to be up close and personal with a mountain storm.
"Did you try?"
It came out as a whisper and Duo wished he could have bitten back the words. You did not go around asking virtual strangers if they had ever tried to kill themselves. It was not done and to make matters worse he could not apologize. Zechs would not appreciate an apology at this time, any more than he himself would. One might wonder and speculate, but one did not ask, not after knowing the man for little more than twenty four hours.
"I suppose you could consider Libra my suicide attempt. I did not intend to survive it when I sent Heero from the reactor core. It was not his place to detonate it; it was mine. I had played with the lives of so many and I hated it. For peace to come all who had been seen as Commanders of the individual factions at conflict with each other had to die; at least, those who had traceable questionable pasts. There had to be one survivor, the victor people would see and recognize and could accept. One survivor, who stood for something very different to the policies of the recent times."
"Relena and the pacifist faction." Duo breathed.
"Let the warmongers be seen to die, to kill themselves off in one final bloody battle. A festival of blood and death to disgust the peace lovers; and while we were at it take the bulk of the weapons into obscurity. Let the lesson make them think twice about stirring warriors to life once more."
"I never did understand what the hell you thought you were doing."
He sighed, feeling the shadow within stir, but there was no real danger of rousing it. Memories of that time still stung, hurting deeply, but in Duo there was no source of contempt to fire the danger lying within him. Duo was a veteran of the wars; he had been a soldier and knew the costs of killing. They had not been on the same side, although that was by design, unbeknownst to Duo and the other pilots. They had not realized, even to this day, exactly what they, he and Treize, were fighting for. There had been so much misunderstanding, so much blood and pain filtering down through the intervening years. It had had to be stopped.
"Most people will never understand what was intended." It was nice to breathe in the scent of him, so close and so warm. "Too many of the few who do understand choose to use the extremes one was willing to go through to achieve the desired end to gain cooperation. They use the weapon they do not understand and expect it not to have a will of its own."
Duo puzzled that out carefully and resisted the urge to turn over and go eyeball to eyeball with the man. He had too vivid a memory of seeing shadowy darkness in those blue eyes. Knowing the danger that lurked there he was not eager to chance seeing it again. Although, given he could not see his hand before his own nose, he undoubtedly would not see anything anyway.
But he would feel it.
He would feel the shadow and know the death blow was coming, though not from which direction. He, Duo Maxwell, was a dangerous man, but he was skin to skin with a man who was equally as dangerous, if not more so. If Marquise should became desperate for any reason it might tip the scales in his favour; if all sense and sensibility deserted them.
Duo was up for taking risks, but not stupid ones.
"People who take advantage of the lengths you went to to change how things were." A world of speculation could be opened up in exploring that. "Lady Une would have known. She knows what you do now for a living?"
"She does." A whisper in the darkness.
"Do you think she would have had a part in this attempt on your life?"
Ah, Zechs mused, now that was a good question, one he had already considered and he would reconsider at a more convenient time, but for now… No.
"I might have, if there was no further use for me, but no, I doubt it. Lady Une is not one to cast aside a useful weapon because it might bite the hand that wields it. This is not her style; she is far more subtle, though once I might have thought it of her. Time has taught me much of the Lady and the extremes she will and will not pursue."
"She wasn't all that subtle about killing Relena's father."
Duo had heard the story before and he had been surprised. Well, more than surprised by the method of the assassination. It had been risky for Une to take out the delegation as she had. Relena had proven how simple it was to have the bomb discovered and moved. It had been quick action by the Lady to save her own hide, that of her men and Relena herself and still take out her intended targets. The cover story had been quick and neat but the kill itself had been coldly calculated.
Une was more than capable of arranging for this much less visible assassination.
"Did you once hear, via the media, that it was by her hand the conference was bombed?"
That forced a sighed from him. "No."
"Was it from Relena you learned what had really happened?"
"Yes."
"Did you not wonder why, even after the war, Une was not brought up on charges for the murder of Darlian and the others attending the conference?"
Duo blinked, shaking his head slightly in the darkness. "No, come to think of it. I never gave it a thought. The war was over. All I wanted to do was start again."
"Une makes herself useful to the right people. She made her peace with Relena and Mrs. Darlian is wise to the ways of the world of politics and knows not to rock the boat. Une is useful to run Preventers and maintain the peace. That which it is deemed Preventers can not, or should not, handle is passed to others who have proven their usefulness in the shadows." He sniffed delicately. "All for the greater good, of course."
"People like you." It was not a question.
"For now. Someone has decided I have outlived my usefulness. I will vanish soon, but not before I pay my respects to the one who bids me leave on their terms."
A shiver traced the course of Duo's back. Something extremely dark and dangerous came across in that quiet declaration and it was a promise. Someone would die; potentially more than one.
"They'll know you survived soon enough. Be careful they don't try again and this time, more subtly."
It was nice that Duo was inclined to warn him, but he knew the dangers. He knew them only too well and he would be happy to leave it all behind him. Not that he could ever cease to look over his shoulder. These people would not forget any more than he would.
End
Karina Robertson 2008
