"What do you mean show me?"
He took a deep breath and said, "I borrowed Dumbledore's Pensieve for the summer ... maybe we could go into my memories and you could compare my father and me..."
I looked in his eyes for a moment, then said, "You really want me to do this, don't you? You want me to show you that you are the Severus Snape I tell you, you are capable of being a father. You want this very much, don't you?" He nodded as he took me in his arms and up to the spare bedroom, which was now an office. The Pensieve was set on the desk, and I could see there were already thoughts in it. He took out his wand and made the liquid move so he could find his memory. Then he pushed me, along with him, into the tub to see the horrors of when his father was still with him.
A young woman was standing over a little boy, who was writing the alphabet on a piece of paper. She was tall with black hair, brown eyes with heavy eyebrows, the makeup was covering her pale face and she wore a yellow dress. She had bruises on her arm, which was on the table where her son was sitting. The boy, her son, was writing and trying to see what he was doing since his growing black hair was in his eyes. He had written a crooked Z and finally gave his paper to his mother.
"Oh, Severus! You did wonderful! You didn't miss any letters this time! I am very proud of you dear! Go put this on the fridge."
The little smiling boy went to stick his paper on the beige fridge with a magnet. He felt so proud to have shown his mother that he was in fact quite clever. He knew his mother was proud of him, compared to his father. His father thought Severus Snape was a weak, quiet, un-intelligent little brat who only made things worse. He thought Severus couldn't do magic like his mother, but he was wrong. Severus, just the other day, had lifted his toys without even touching them. But he didn't show his father, since he was afraid his father would hit him again.
"Severus, dear, you should eat your supper fast," his mother said as he settled for dinner. "Your father should be coming soon and I wish for you not to be in his way tonight. I got a phone call from him this morning and he had a bad day."
She served him cold macaroni and cheese that were left over from yesterday's dinner. Severus rarely ate with his father and mother together. His father would never be able to live a moment's peace in his presence. His father would get abusive at the end of dinner, and his mother tried to stop it by making Severus eat beforehand, so he wouldn't enrage his father.
"Mummy...Why do you let him treat you like this?" he asked his mother as she was making a roast for her husband.
She turned around to stare at him blankly and said, "Severus darling, your father loves us, but he decides to show it differently than other people. It's his way of showing his affection for the both of us..."
"It hurts us, Mummy, this isn't affection. I am five years old and I know this excuse ... you used it many times. Why do you let him get away with this? Why don't you use your powers and make him go away?"
"My powers aren't what they seem, Severus. I use them wisely and the time will come when you will learn to use them too. Remember what I always say..."
"Use them wisely. I know, I know...but ...Does he love us?"
"I know deep inside, Tobias loves us, but things haven't been going well at work and financially," she said, turning the sauce.
"But just because we don't have money, it doesn't mean he can treat us like this."
"I know, dearest. But this is your father we are talking about..."
Severus
continued eating in silence until he asked another question.
"
Do you regret marrying him?"
She stopped making dinner for a second and said, looking at the wall, "No. I don't regret having you as a son."
"I meant him as your husband."
"Sometimes...I feel I could and should have more than this, but I made this choice and I have to stick with it. There is never a going back, Sever us, remember that," she said, turning around with red eyes. "Now, go up and wash. I shall see you after my dinner...ok?" He put his plate on the counter and gave his mother a hug.
"I love you, Mummy..."
"I love you too, Severus..." She kissed his check and passed her hand in his hair. They stood together in silence until a sound coming from the driveway separated them.
"Oh dear! That's your father and supper isn't ready yet...Let's go, Severus. Up stairs now, young man!" she said, pushing him towards the stairs. He passed through the hidden wall just in time as the front door opened to show a man looking very pissed. He had short, square black hair, a crooked nose, and dark bottomless pit black eyes and had a bottle of liquor in his hand. Severus stayed on the stairs to hear his parents conversing, leaving the hidden door opened a little.
"Hello dear! Did you have a nice day at work?" he heard his mother say defiantly.
"If hell is nice, then yes. Fucking boss won't give me bullshit of a raise just because I don't work hard enough. I work my shit of an ass off and more every weekend. I don't get his fucking problem..."
He heard his father pulling a chair and asking, "Where's dinner?"
"It's cooking, just about thirty minutes and it's done, dearest..."
"Thirty minutes? What have you been doing before I came back? Let me guess...you got a surprise visit from the neighbour and fucked him instead of making your husband's dinner?"
"It's not that and you know it, Tobias!" replied an angry Eileen. "I was busy helping Severus with writing his A, B, C..."
"So it's the boy's fault? Where is he...SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE, COME DOWN HERE, NOW!"
The man came through the door, his wife walking behind him, pleading that he let Severus alone. Severus tried to run up the stairs, but it was too late; his father had opened the door to the stairs and he was halfway through. His father took him by the collar and threw him on to the couch.
"EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU MADE DINNER LATE, YOUNG MAN!" the man screamed.
"I wanted to show Mummy that I could write my A, B, C's with no mistake. I wanted to show her that I am smart."
"SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE SMART, EH? WELL, THAT WASN'T A SMART MOVE AND FOR THAT YOU GET PUNISHED!" He lifted his hand.
"Tobias, please don't do this, it wasn't his fault..." Eileen pleaded.
"EILEEN, GET OUT OF THIS!" he said, hitting her in the face, making her stumble and fall onto the rattling chair.
He changed his attention to his son and hit him on the left cheek, making a red mark on it. But it didn't stop there. He hit his arms, legs, and it became harder and harder and blood came out. The child fell onto the floor, blood on his face, crying his little heart out.
The whole time, his mother was sitting in the chair, crying and screaming for Tobias to stop. But, when she saw Severus on the floor, she took back the backbone she once had and said, "TOBIAS, LEAVE MY SON ALONE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
The man turned around and asked her to repeat herself; he couldn't believe what he had heard.
"What did you say, woman?" He pushed her onto the nearby chair and repeated himself. "YOU DIDN'T JUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO? DID YOU...DID YOU? ANSWER ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
Eileen was speechless but when she saw her pleading, crying son's face, again she let go of all she had hidden inside. She took out her wand that was in her dress pocket and screamed, "YES I DID! For years now, have you mistreated Severus and me! What happened to the Tobias I knew? The one who told me every day he loved me and meant it? What happened to the Tobias who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me even if things weren't' as great as heaven? What happened to the Tobias who, when I told him I was pregnant, was as happy as ever to have a son? Well, he's gone and forever it seems! Ever since I told you I wasn't raising Severus in magical ways and you lost your job, every moment of our marriage life has crumbled! You can't just be a normal Muggle and think things out...you have to resort to hurting us! Your family, your pride and joy as it once was!"
The man stared at his wife with great fear in his eyes as her wand came closer and closer to his face.
"Now I'm leaving you and taking Severus with me! I never want to see your sorry ass again!"
She started heading towards the secret door leading upstairs to get her things as her husband yelled, "You're going to regret this, Eileen! You have nowhere to go! Your parents have disowned you and you have no job! How are you going to raise your son alone? Without me, you're nothing, mark my words!"
Eileen froze up while going up the stairs and looked at her son crying in his corner and her husband and again to her son.
"Fine! But I'm only staying because I need somewhere to raise me son!"
Tobias grinned and said, "Good girl...maybe now you'll be a little bit more useful around this filth of a house...and you," he exclaimed pointing at his son, "you...just count yourself lucky your mother took your side...little mama's boy. If ever you do something out of line...you know the punishment. It goes for you too, Eileen; nothing goes wrong in my house hold. No wife of mine will disobey me and no son of me will be a failure even if he already is. Now off with you...I want my supper."
Tobias went trough the kitchen door and the mother and son heard a chair screech. Eileen went and helped her son up and made his bruises disappear with a simple spell of her wand.
"Are you ok, darling?" she asked gently holding him in her arms. He nodded his head gently but before he could say anything his father made an impatient noise, obviously waiting food.
"I promise you we'll make something work out. I promise..." And he watched his mother go to what he called his father.
We came out of that memory in a swift movement by Severus. I was crying and he had a stern and unhappy look on his face. He held me in his arms as I cried. I know I shouldn't but he had to go through everything imaginable to get to this point in his life. He was strong, comparing to me. I thought I was going to die when the whole Halloween night happened, but he went through more and is here, resting beside me!
Anyways, he took me to our bedroom and laid me on the bed. We cuddled together and I said, "I don't know what to say...how awful that must have been for you...I mean I just wished your mother would have left. But I completely understand why you don't want have children. You're afraid of starting out nice and ending up abusive just because you want a different life than what I want. Severus...if you don't want to risk losing me, we won't have children, it's ok..."
"No...I have to fight being like my father. He didn't want children; he might have been happy but only because they were going to be wizards. I want to change that; I want children. The only thing is that I don't know how to act around them. I am the kind of person who neither shows emotion nor touches people. I mean it's hard enough for me to kiss you and hold your hand. It's harder to just be with you in public. Imagine me with a child..."
"But you and Draco..."
"Draco isn't my blood, I didn't make him. He isn't my child. It's different. I swear I'm scared to be like my father. I can't bear to lose you, the child... or both." He held me tight in his arms, as I passed my hands in his hair thinking about a solution to this mess.
"How about we have dinner, then we think about it?" We both got up and ate a light supper. Afterwards, we sat in the living room, thinking up ideas for our future life.
"How about," I proposed as he looked at me with pain, "we have children in a year or when you feel is right."
"But, I am ready...it's just I don't want anything to go wrong..."
"Are you ready to have this child?" I said, pointing at my swollen abdomen that had swollen just a little bit since we arrived.
He thought a while then said, "No, because we already made the decision to abort it..."
"But let's say we didn't; would you want this child?"
"No...it's too early for us..."
I looked into his eyes and said, "Let's wait a year before starting our family of little Snapes...ok?"
He smiled at me and said, "Yes...let's..." He bent down to my abdomen and said, "Hear me out, little baby inside Nathalie. We love you but can't have you. We promise to never forget you and we will love you equally like your future brothers and sisters." He kissed my swollen abdomen as I giggled. Severus has really changed and he is better than before. I am really proud of him.
Fourth of July
Dear Diary,
I am two months pregnant and bored as hell. Severus has started to work from home (in order to be with the baby), but I see him so rarely since he locks himself downstairs to brew silently. We haven't started on the baby's room and all I have been doing to amuse myself is gardening. I felt that the backyard was very boring so I am jazzing it up a bit. But gardening 24/7 isn't my idea of fun. So today, I went to visit Mother.
I apparated into my old living room, where I used to wait for my father to come back home from work during the summer, which was when he went back to Auror business. I searched the house, only to find Mother outside, having tea with my Aunt Hera. As soon as I came into sight, she got out of her chair to greet me.
"Oh, there you are! I have been waiting for you to come and visit for ages! But I do suppose Severus is more suitable to your idea of fun than me..."
"Hello, Mother," I said, while sitting down between the two women. My aunt was studying me, seeing there was something different about me. Then she saw...
"My, my, already pregnant, are we?" My aunt had noticed the baby growing inside of me. My swollen abdomen was bigger than usual for a woman who is two months pregnant. I really look like I am a month ahead.
"Yes, I am pregnant but I will be having an abortion starting of term so..."
I didn't even finish when she screamed, "WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?!"
"Because they're not ready and are too young..." Mother said after sipping some tea.
"So? We had Jaime-Lynn during our first year of marriage... Why can't you have your child?"
I replied with a simple answer.
"Severus isn't ready to be a father yet. He still has to deal with his parents' relationship and he still has to feel ready to raise a child. He feels like he'll be like his father so he needs to feel comfortable before we have children. We just said we would start a family in a year from now, so we are going to abort and then maybe start."
"Why don't you just start?"
"It's Severus' choice and I respect that," I simply replied to Aunt Hera's comment.
"So," she asked, trying to forget the whole Severus thing, "how far are you?"
"It's been two months now."
"Did you go for your monthly check up?" I looked at her with a clueless eye. Monthly check up? I had never heard of that before in my life!
Mother sighed at my look and said, "Madam Pomfrey didn't mention that at every month you have to go see either her or St. Mungo's for a check up on the baby?"
"No, she didn't mention that ..."
"Well," Mother said while gently getting up, "do you want me to come with you so you get your check up?"
"But, Severus will want to come I'm sure...but, he's busy..."
"Busy? I thought school finished?" Aunt Hera asked.
"Yes, but he got a summer job so we could have more money for when we have our family." Aunt Hera snorted and Mother smiled weakly.
Then, she asked, "Well, what are we doing?"
"Let's go then...I'll owl Severus to let him know..."
I wrote a quick letter to Severus as Aunt Hera said goodbye to Mother. Then, Mother and I set off to St. Mungo's. We Apparated, which was a very bad idea since my abdomen ached right after we arrived. We entered the first floor, in the hidden maternity ward.
We came to a counter and Mother said, "Hello, my daughter is here for a monthly check up on her baby..."
"Yes, we have a healer ready. We just need some paper work from you to put to record..." They handed me some information papers to fill out. It was basically questions about the baby, my previous healers and some basic information on my health.
"Follow me..." I was brought to a little room where a large screen was held beside a bed. We waited a couple of minutes until a healer came in. Not a healer...a handsome healer. His name was Christopher Gruber. He was very handsome and very nice and made me very uncomfortable.
"Hello, Mrs. Snape... shall we start?" I agreed with envy, not knowing what was coming up and also...because he was handsome. He spoke to me while putting some sort of cool gel on my abdomen.
"So...where is the husband?"
"Working," I simply replied while Mother looked at him with a queer eye. She was suspicious regarding his actions and I didn't blame her.
"I see...now how long into the pregnancy are you?"
"Two months..."
He flicked his wand on the giant screen as he said, "Good, good..." He put his wand on my abdomen and the screened showed the inside of my body. I made a shocked noise; Madam Pomfrey had done it only once, but I wasn't actually paying attention. I had never seen anything like this! He searched and searched until he found what he wanted. My baby.
The baby was there, heart beating, inside of me. I could see him, the littlest thing on earth inside of me. It was the most wonderful thing to see and once I saw it I didn't want to let go. It sunk into my head...this was my child! This was what Severus and I created out of our love. It became so emotional I started to cry and Mother laughed, probably remembering how it was when she was pregnant with me.
The healer told me the baby was in full health and that I should slow down on the amount of gardening I was doing. The getting up and down would affect the baby if I did it too much. Mother and I came out in tears as the healer prepared for another client. I was about to get out when I heard a voice behind me call my name. It was Severus!
"Severus? What are you doing here?" I asked when I saw him striding towards me.
"As soon as I got this," he said pointing at my letter, "I had to come. We need to have a little talk." We sat near by as Mother said goodbye and went back home.
"Listen," he said taking my hand, "I know I really don't seem like the type of man who cares for such things as family, but I really do. It upset me that you went for a check up without me. I know this baby will never see the light of day, but I still want to be part of it...I want to be there for the baby."
"But you're always busy with work and I know you don't like to be disturbed..." I began.
"Nathalie," he said with a grave air, "I want to be there for you in every way, I already told you that! You think I don't care about these little things, but I do! Do you think I am going to be teaching like normal or just standing behind while you're having the abortion? No, I will be right beside you for every step."
"I always imagined you would stay behind and wait for me to come out..."
"I don't want that! I want to be there for everything that will happen to us or especially...you. I love and I want you to know this." I was surprised that a little thing, like a monthly exam, had kicked his sense of propriety out of his ass.
I saw Healer Gruber passing by, so I stopped him and asked, "Mr. Gruber! My husband has just arrived and I was wondering if we could re-do our exam...he wishes to see the baby."
Severus was looking at the both of us back and forth while I was talking. He was obviously connecting the handsome dots. Before he could even say anything, the healer replied with a yes. He led us back into the exam room while Severus sneered at him from behind. He can be very protective. As we were walking, Severus approached me and said "This was the healer you had?"
"Yes...What's wrong?" I saw him arch his brow and then look back and forth at us.
"Nothing is wrong...except that you seem to act like a tomato when he's around you..."
I sighed and rolled my eyes at his comment (even if it was true that I was a tomato near Gruber) and said, "Severus...you're impossible!"
We entered the room and Healer Gruber re-did every step he took just like a few minutes ago. Severus sat beside me, looking at the healer with concerned and attentive eyes, in case he would do something inappropriate. Gruber put his wand on my abdomen, leaving an image on the screen searching for the baby once more. It was quite easier to find the target and the little baby appeared on the screen once again. I saw Severus' eyes light up as soon as the baby was on the screen and he could hear the beating of its heart. His hand that was holding mine had got tighter and his eyes were on the little foetus' heart that was beating with the sound we heard. Then the child moved a little and Severus started to smile at himself and I swear there were tears in his eyes. I think it clicked in his head that I was carrying his child.
"Is everything alright?" asked the healer, seeing Severus and my expressions. Severus' head turned to him, snapping out his "trance" and said he was ok.
The healer cleaned up and no word was spoken by either of us. Silently and without any words shared, we went back home, Apparating from St. Mungo's. I was very tired and Apparating hadn't done any good to the baby; I had to take a nap. Severus was going back to work...or so I thought. He silently followed me upstairs, without me noticing it. I turned around to shut the bedroom door and I bumped into him. He closed the door himself then pushed me on the bed. Then, he started kissing my stomach as he laid me down.
"Nathalie," he said between kisses, "we have a problem..."
"What? What's wrong?" I asked, thinking this was serious.
"I love you so much...and I love this baby too. Today was one experience I could never forget... I would never forgive myself if we would have an abortion. I want to have this child..."
I got a shock right through my bones when he said that. He wanted to keep the baby.
I starred at him long and hard and said. "Are you serious? Are you certain? Because, Severus, this is a big step...are you sure this is what you want?"
He smiled at me and said, "Well, after seeing the baby today...I really don't want to give it away. I am not ready to have children but I want this baby to be born. It would be so cruel to let it die..."
"You
don't want children and yet you want this one to live? I mean if
you're not ready to have children, what will make me think you're
ready to raise this one?"
He thought long and hard and then
said, "I really don't know... I don't want this child to die...I
don't feel ready to raise it though..."
I kissed him deeply and replied, "Well, think about it and then when you're ready and have a final decision you can tell me. But you must think of it before September because that is when foetus is supposed to get aborted... I love you, you know that?"
He smiled at me and then we had a little nap. I kept thinking of how much he had changed since we had married. He almost seemed...human; not like he wasn't before. He's just nicer and I might even say better. I would still love him, even if he didn't change, but I guess he changed for a reason. Me.
