Chapter Twenty Sever: Hao Asks A Ninja

Disclaimer: I don't own Shaman King, nor do I own Naruto, Elfen Lied, Chuck Norris, Mr. T and Ask A Ninja! Please, Mr. Norris, please, Mr. T, SPARE MY LIFE! T.T


- HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

The horrible roar echoed through Patch Village and shook the earth. Strong men cowered like babies. Women and children locked themselves in their lodges. The X-Laws packed their luggage and made a run for it. Silva closed Patch Diner, put the 'On Vacation' sigh on the door and ran out of Patch Village while screaming like a little girl.

When Hao and his minions heard the terrifying Call of Doom, they all panicked and ran in circles while waving hands and screaming 'AAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!'. Hao then collapsed on the ground and burst out in sorry tears.

- It's Anna! She's after me! MY ASS IS DOOMED!!!!

Peyote pointed a finger gloriously to the skies.
- Hao-sama! I have a solution! – He declared heroically. – I can provide you with the most powerful weapon in the whole Universe!!!!

Hao angry-marked and leered at the Mexican.

- I hope it's not another cactus! – He growled threateningly.
- No. – Peyote's goggles flashed. – What I'm about to show you is considered a double-edged sword: it destroys both the user and the target…
- That doesn't sound good. – Ashil murmured.
- …It is a powerful intergalactic arm which has been forbidden over three-hundred worlds and six galaxies!... – Peyote continued and his eyes shot open.
- You can't impress us… - Ashil murmured again.
- It makes Chuck Norris and Mr. T scream in fright like little girls! – The Chilean screamed.

- WOW!!! – Hao, Ashil and Machi gasped in amazement. Everyone knew that there were only a few things in the Universe that could scare Chuck Norris and Mr. T.

Peyote's goggles flashed dramatically again.

- So?... Are you ready!? – He put a hand under his poncho. The camera started spinning around him in a dramatic angle, flashy lights were turned on and a corny music was playing. – Presenting………………………..

He pulled his arm out, holding the deadliest weapon in the Universe.

- Behold! …………….. The Potato!!!!!

Hao's jaw hit the ground. So did Machi's and Ashil's. Peyote kept standing in a heroic pose.
There was silence. A desert wind blew past them, carrying dried up bushes with it, just like the lame-ass cliché script of this story was saying.

- HOW THE HELL IS A POTATO SUPPOSED TO HELP ME BEAT ANNA IN A FIGHT WHEN SHE COMES TO KILL ME!?!?!?!? – Hao exploded in Peyote's face, blowing his sombrero five feet away from him. The Mexican strolled towards his hat, leaving the angry Hao behind his back, placed the sombrero in his head, turned around and answered bluntly:

- You can make fries or potato chips with it.

Hao fell over.


Three evil forces rose up from the dust and ashes with the evil intention to conquer all that stood in their way. Anna, the Ultimate Ice Queen Bitch from Hell and her demonic legion of devils and the undead, Hitler Reborn and his brutal, yet so fearless group of thugs and criminals, gathered from the lowest classes of society, and 2D – the Diclonius Duo, consisting of Lucy and Mariko, the evil pink-haired horny badass bitches who pawned noobs with their skillz set out on a dangerous quest to take over the world. However, there could only be ONE true Emperor of the Earth, so it was likely that a titanic was going to break out between the three evil forces, from which only one was going to emerge victorious and take the spoils.
However, there was resistance! The forces of good, which consisted from a retarded Yoh Asakura, a stuck-up Chinese emo, a green-haired hermaphrodite, a Ryu with a Great Knife stuck in his hair, a timid pink-haired brat with her perverted spirits, a German drug-addict, a necromancer and a necrophile, a pretty girl named Nyorai that could only sing pretty songs, a foursome of bitches 'n' hoes, Kanna and, of course, that cutie named Mari! (Notice how the Author didn't put a nasty comment on those two; that's cuz he's in love with them.) These legendary heroes were tasked to protect Good, Peace, Justice and Potato Chips from the evil armies of Anna, Hitler Reborn and 2D long enough till the Author finally realizes that this goddamn intro was getting too fuckin epic and was going out of the story line, but wasn't that what we've been doing all along!?

- EXCUSE ME!!?? – Hao yelled somewhere out of the camera view. – MIND IF YOU PAY A LITTLE ATTENTION TO ME HERE!?

The camera turned towards Hao.
- That's better. – He said with a frown on his face. – Now let's return to my dilemma.

Peyote raised his hands desperately and groaned:
- Hao-sama, you must accept the Potato! If you do, your power will multiply by a hundred times!
- NO! I'm sick and tired of your stupid jokes, Peyote! The damn Cactus didn't help me before-

The Latin Chorus sang. Five seconds later it disappeared. Hao exploded:
- WHERE THE HELL IS THIS CHORUS COMING FROM!?!?!?

- Hao-sama, I personally believe that we should be more concentrated on how we should evade Anna-sama's wrath, rather than fighting it. – Ashil pointed out importantly.

Hao collapsed and whined out:
- But I don't know what to do! It's all so complicated! A war is gonna break out soon and I don't have a damn idea what do do!!!

Machi stepped in and said:
- Then maybe you should… ask a ninja.

Everyone gaped at her. She grinned:
- Just Ask a Ninja! These guys know the answers to all questions! I watch the show every day!
- What? You're telling me to ask Naruto how to solve my problem? – Hao mulled over Machi's advice. The girl exclaimed in a pissed manner:
- No, you moron! Not Naruto! I'm talking about the Ask A Ninja show!

Peyote brightened up:
- Oh, yeah! Now I remember! Those guys are goddamn smart! You should send an e-mail to them and ask your question.

Hao brooded for a few seconds, then nodded. He got inside a random internet club and wrote the damn e-mail. He stood up and smiled.
- Done. – He confirmed. – Now when is the answer to my question going to show up?

Machi mused for a moment, then answered:
- Well… the show is every day from 5 PM, but it would probably take a week or so to come up with an answer to your question…

Then they heard the voice from the TV program behind them:- And now the Ask A Ninja show!

The foursome gazed at the TV, as the theme song played. Then the ninja guy popped on screen and yelled:

- Ha-
-O
-Asks
-A
-Nin
-Jaaaaaaaaa!

"I've just escaped a parallel-world madhouse filled with a horde of monsters, my penis got burned to dust, a war between three lunatics is going to break out in here and Anna is after me! Please, tell me what I should do!?"

Hao

- Well, Hao, my friend… I'm afraid that there is only one word describing your current situation: screwed. And when I say screwed I don't mean that you're 'screwed' like helix or 'screwed' like a wet towel, but 'screwed' like 'I'm in really, really, really, really, really, really big trouble now!' Very few people have ever ended up in a hopeless situation like yours; one of them was a friend of mine. He was a ninja. The poor guy. We found him two months later impaled the Statue of Liberty's torch! A day later we found the other parts of his body in France, Japan, Uruguay, Australia and the North Pole. When we gathered them up and patched them all together, we read the sign 'Put more salt on him next time!'. What I'm saying here is that you're dealing with an intergalactic beast that is older than the oldest ninja on Earth. And that would be Quan Zan Pi, he is older than the whole population of Asia taken together. And if you calculate that, you'll find that he's very, very old! His memories are like a black-and-white silent movie. Now, what people don't understand is that the sole reason for Anna to be so evil and deadly, is that she is actually a ninja! She is a master of disguise and instant killing! She has developed the power to kill people from a five-thousand-mile range with a single blink of the eyelid. It is extremely dangerous to stay close to her even when she's asleep or is watching her favorite soap opera! Damn, she is one hot ninja babe! However, she is as cold as Pluto. The last time someone tried to flirt with her ended up with the guy's decapitated head stuck in a toilet bowl! Seriously, that girl needs to give those guys a chance!
Now, Hao, though the situation may seem hopeless, you have several options. One: lay down on the ground, cry like a little girl and pray that Anna will give you a slow and painful death, which is considered fast and painless when Anna's doing it. Oh, boy, you think slow and painful is something? If you end up with Anna giving you the REAL 'slow and painful' death, you'll regret ever being born. In fact, you will regret ever being born in your last seven lives! Two: run as fast as you can and DON'T STOP, no matter what! Anna is just waiting for you to give yourself a break. And Three: ……… Well… I don't think it will work for you anyway. You're toast. Oh, and before I forget, I gotta say that the above options will work for you ONLY if you're a ninja. But if you're an ordinary person… well… it'll be better and a lot easier for you if you jump off a cliff.
Thanks for the question, Hao! I look forward to killing you soon! HYA!

The show ended. Hao was left expressionless. His underlings stood silent behind him.

- Damn. – He uttered. – Guess I'm really fucked up now.


From the Author: MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Ask A Ninja rulez! R&R please:D