Barbara moved her arm to allow more blood flow, mistakenly resting her hand on the cold metal beneath her. Suddenly, the euphoria she'd built for herself was ripped away and all that was left was the horrors of this new world and the cold metal beneath her fingertips.
It wasn't a new world, though. The world hadn't changed at all. Instead, it had simply slapped Barbara in the face with the cruelty that was already there. Making itself painfully hard to ignore. Barbara had always known it was there of course. She'd been a part of this game for far too long to pretend that the world was fully of minor bad guys and heroes. No, the knowledge of everything wrong in the world had always been on the backburner of her mind, always hidden behind the simple sweetness she tried to use to block it out.
But now?
Now she couldn't avoid it. She couldn't see over it and pretend it wasn't as awful as she knew it was. No, now it was a part of her life.
She looked around her living room. The modern feel she had been going for when she decorated now felt cold and lonely. The pale light that she let sneak in from the blinds streaked across the white walls and offered no warmth. In fact, the only signs of life in her entire apartment were the groceries on the bar that hadn't been put away yet and the mug of untouched coffee from several days ago.
Normally, she'd be cleaning or cooking or doing something other than sitting here in her own self-pity. But, she couldn't do those things anymore. Actually, she couldn't do anything anymore.
Tears welled in her eyes and her fingers wrapped tighter around the cold steel of the chair. This god damned chair. Barbara wanted nothing more than to pick up this stupid confinement and throw it across the room. But she couldn't and now tears were falling freely and her book fell to the floor, crashing as it hit something on its way down. More tears caught in her throat as she realized that the book had hit her and she simply hadn't noticed.
Releasing the now warm metal of the chair, Barbara placed her face in her hands, her fingers wedging beneath her glasses in hopes to stop the tears at the source. Her cries were loud and uncontrollable, and god, she felt so helpless in that moment. There was no help for her, and all she wanted to control over some aspect of her life back. If that control had to be over the volume of her cries, then that would be enough. But even that seemed too difficult a feat right now and so Barbara sat in her living room, wailing uncontrollably. Her hands muffled the sounds a little bit, but not enough.
Now there were hands on her shaking shoulders, rubbing circles in her back and her hands were no longer in her face but clutching at some fabric that she couldn't see because her face was buried deep in it. Someone – probably her father – was speaking to her and shushing her and rubbing circles on her back.
She hated thinking about how it actually felt good, about how that was one of the only things that she could even feel anymore. The fact that her father was finally seeing her cry about this horrific event was also something she loathed.
Until now, she'd kept her cries quiet and small and to herself for the most part. But now it had all built up and quiet just wasn't an option anymore.
The words being whispered into her ear weren't registered over her own loud sobs. Every now and then, one made it through the cries. "… okay… shh … sorry … Barbie."
She clutched the fabric tighter, and suddenly she knew exactly who it was kneeling before her. "It's not fair!" she cried, her words muffled by the cape her face was buried in. "It's not fair! It's not fair!" Over and over, like a mantra, she said it until her lungs stopped burning and her eyes ran dry.
Now, her breathing was shaking and small hands were still rubbing circles on her back. Silence was a canopy that hung heavily over her apartment, encompassing both the occupants and trapping Barbara in the echo of her wails. Finally, she had the nerve to lean away from the embrace. Almost instantly she missed the warmth, but there was a stain on his cape and Barbara's face was uncomfortably damp.
"Looks like I got here in the nick of time, huh?"
Barbara adjusted her glasses, wiping her tears off the lenses and putting them back on her face. Before her knelt Robin, Boy Wonder, though not the first of his name. Across his forehead were little worry lines, evidence of a lack of sleep. His eyebrows were upturned, as were the corners of his lips. His hands rested on her knees, in an attempt to remind her that he was still there. The thought that she couldn't actually feel it forced her to fight off more tears. "Yeah, I guess," she mumbled. Her throat was raw from the sobs, and her voice was hoarse as a result.
His upturned eyebrows suddenly drooped. Without being able to see his pupils, she knew they turned away. But within a moment he had bounced back and rediscovered his pep. "So," he said, grinning ear to ear. "What's for dinner?"
As he stood up, he peeled off his domino mask and revealed his beautiful aqua eyes. Before Barbara knew it Jason Todd's eyes that she'd been looking into were now behind her, pushing her into the kitchen. "Jason, you know I can't cook anymore."
Her body lurched forward and Jason abruptly stopped. "First of all," he said, his face dangling upside down in front of her. "Yes, you can." His eyes were so intense, piercing right through Barbara. She almost was distracted enough to ignore how goofy he looked with all his pitch black hair handing from his head. "You can do anything, Babs." The intensity in his eyes seemed to mellow out a bit, touched by the sincerity in his voice. "And second of all, I was definitely planning on cooking for you because I'm a literal saint."
Barbara rolled her eyes. "Yeah, Saint Jason. Call the Vatican." Through her sarcasm, however, she was smiling.
Moving the wheelchair towards the kitchen again, Jason didn't say anything, but Barbara could've sworn she heard him chuckle slightly.
**********LIN BREAKER!**********
An hour later, Barbara was laying on the couch, her head resting on Jason's shoulder. Ever the gourmet chef, Jason had prepared Barbara a delicious dish of Ramen noodles. Barbara couldn't find it in her to complain about the college student meal that he'd fixed for her, however, because he'd also done the dishes and put the groceries away. They both sat there, slurping hungrily on their noodles and discussing things going on outside of Barbara's apartment.
"So, I was eavesdropping the other day," Jason's mouth was entirely full of noodles and the fork he'd used to shovel them in there. "Apparently Dick and Bruce are at it again."
Barbara's head hurt with the force of her eye roll. "Of course they are," her fork wavered in the air, accentuating each word with soft fluid motions.
"Yeah," Jason said as he swallowed his mouthful of noodles. "I guess it was something about Bats intruding on Nightwing's case. Some kinda garbage." He accidentally bumped his elbow against Barbara's head, and in an effort to remedy this sin he put his fork back in the bowl and caressed where his elbow had hit gently. "It's gotten ten times worse without you to mediate. Alfred is in it alone now."
Barbara scoffed. "At this point, the only reason I've been mediating is for Alfred's sake." She said. It totally made sense that Dick wanted to go off and become his own man or whatever it was he was doing these days. And Barbara used to have sympathy because, yeah, Bruce gets all up in everyone's business all the time. But suddenly, Dick got his big boy pants on and he's a grown up and he doesn't need anyone's sympathy but rather just wants to prove that he can stand up to daddy on his own. "It's not like I don't see where Dick is coming from, but jeez, does he have to pick every fight? Some criminal is off the streets, who cares who brought him in?"
Jason's ribs shook against her form, gently laughing at her words. "I couldn't agree more, Barbie."
The room was silent for a minute. The TV was on, but the sound was completely muted. They'd turned it off once the conversation had begun, but now that it'd died down the silence seemed uncomfortable. Barbara could feel the tension building, and Jason's mood sobering.
Then, almost too quietly for Barbara to hear it, "We really miss you, Babs."
His words took her aback for a moment – they were the last words that she'd expected. It'd been weeks since she'd been in somewhere other than her apartment or a doctor's office. The only people who'd been granted access to visit here had been her father, and Bruce once (and that was mostly because he just kind of showed up without warning and climbing in her window as Batman and was all broody in that special Batman way of his). But today, Jason had done the same thing and he'd successfully lightened her mood. Barbara had nearly forgotten what human interaction had been like until this boy had come knocking; she'd forgotten how much she missed them too.
"I want to come see you guys, Jay," she whispered. She couldn't help the way her voice broke or the way it embarrassed her beyond belief because dammit Barbara you are not going to break down in front of Jason twice today. Absentmindedly, she thought about how, if she could, she'd adjust her body so that she was facing him. But she hadn't yet mastered moving about without her legs mobility and the thought of it only brought more tears to her eyes. "I just can't. Not yet, not while everything is so fresh."
Jason pushed against her back, lifting her up and turning his body so that she was laying with her head across his lap. Not quite the view that was intended by 'facing him' but it would have to do. "I know," he said, his fingers gently tugging her dirty hair. "I just wish it could be easier."
Barbara smiled through her tears. "You're telling me, Jay," she whispered.
Without missing a beat, Jason continued. "I mean, we've all been doing this game for quite some time now. And nothing serious has happened." His face wasn't looking down at her, she couldn't see where he was looking but she could tell his eyes were aimlessly jumping from focal point to focal point. "Yeah, we got some ugly scars and bruises and maybe a few broken bones here and there. But no serious damage, you know?" Now he was looking down into her eyes, and even her tears seemed stunned by the brilliant shade of his eyes. "I don't know, Babs. Part of me is thinking that tomorrow you'll be okay again."
Smiling, her hand found its way upward until it was pressed to his cheek. "I am okay, Jay." Her voice was wavering and crackly, but warm in its sincerity. "I'll learn how to live like this and I'll be better than ever." Now he was smiling, too. Both faces tearing up and smiling down at each other. "I just need some time, to adjust, you know?"
Never before had Barbara seen Jason beam the way he was in this moment. His lips were stretched in a smile so wide that they were turning white, crinkling up his cheeks and his nose and his forehead. Miraculously, however, his eyes were wide and tear brimmed, a few droplets escaping due to the angle of his neck. "You promise you'll come back?"
"Of course, Jay."
"Say it."
"I promise."
**********LINE BREAKER!**********
***IMPORTANT STUFF DOWN HERE***
Hey so you wanna know some backstory that will make you incredibly sad?
I'm going to tell you because it was on my mind all while I wrote this and it's been killing me so.
This is roughly 2-3 weeks after the Killing Joke, and about 2-3 weeks before Death in the Family. In my head it is, anyway.
You know what that means?
Barbara never came back, and she's sitting at Jason's funeral thinking about how she promised him she'd come back and she never did because she couldn't find the courage to leave her apartment and come the Manor and see them all.
BUT! Here's something that should help: Jason also went back to see her almost every day, and cook her dinner. Up until he left for the Middle East on a mission to find his mother. So they saw each other frequently, and he was her only visitor until his death, at which point, she came out of retirement and became Oracle. That's how it went down in my head.
Anyways, one more left guys! Then I'll hopefully have the first chapter for that multichapter fic finished and posted. It's already written, but I'm struggling with the name a lot. So sorry bout it.
