The following is a first person telling of Shepard's story. Please see the first chapter for the setting. The re-telling will stray from canon, but will follow the general story (Alliance - Collectors - Reapers).

Reviews and especially critiques are appreciated. Thanks to stnemele for the editing. Check out "Delving Into Hell."

Mass Effect is owned by Bioware.


So, yeah, I just went a bit overboard, eh? The look on my crew's face... Oh man that was fantastic. A lot of people didn't like that guy because he was such a dick, but he'd become part of the Normandy. Killing Joker, it was like I cut out part of the ship. Well, a creaky, annoying, and horrible to look at part...

He deserved it, though. Didn't even consult me. It was his time to fucking go. I had Cortez as a pilot...better goddamn person, too. Much more tolerable...

The interviewer is shocked.

Oh yeah, the grand pilot of the Alliance didn't die because of the Reapers, he died because he was an asshole. Hey, you know what they say: assholes finish last!

Stuttered response.

Ha ha, you're so fucking hilarious right now. Your face... damn...

Recovering, the interviewer asks a question.

Oh, the AI?

Shit, Pully, thank the maker that Alenko and Traynor fucking shackled the AI before I snapped the fucker's neck. That thing would've done... Well it would have killed us in a worse way than how I killed Joker. The goddamn machine actually screamed. It couldn't do shit, though. Programming kept it in check, kept it on our side. The difference between the geth and EDI was emotion. Somehow the fucking ship AI developed goddamn feelings...the old robots, though, they just ask questions and worry about stupid shit like "individuality" and having fucking souls.

What a load of bullshit, ya know?

Question.

No, they don't have a soul... The concept of a soul in a geth is a bunch of fucking crap anyway... But we'll get to that later, Mr. Pulitzer. Come on buddy, we're on Mars! No geth for fucking light years...

Cerberus, though... They were there in force. For Mars, I mean. There were a hundred or so guys which is a lot for a squad so close to Earth. When we were chasing Saren, I know my team stumbled upon some big hideouts, but most of the populated areas were low on Cerberus soldiers. Mars was different though...Cerberus was different. They started Indoctrinating their own troops with tech that the Illusive Fucker found.

Question.

Oh, the Normandy went to Mars because Dr. T'soni was overseeing a dig site that had some fucking Prothean shit in it. That's where the plans for the Crucible were found, right on fucking Mars. I'm pretty goddamn sure that the Protheans wanted humanity to rule the galaxy. They left all the good shit in our system, the Beacon close to Alliance space on Eden Prime.

Ha, hey defense council! For this goddamn trial shit, I have the whole Prothean Empire on my side.

Shepard smirks.

Mars...we were trying to find the good Doctor. She had information on this artifact, but unfortunately a monster storm was cutting communication so we had to go in on foot. Me, Alenko, and Vega went in. We were short on guns because the fucking cripple made us leave Earth so goddamn quickly...and it was almost suicide to go back. There were other ways to hurt the Reapers...

Ha, in hindsight, I miss how many fighters we had on the SR-2 during my Collector revenge chase shit. A lot of backup, a lot of grunts. Special soldiers, yeah, but some of them still grunts.

Pully, don't let me talk about the Collectors much, okay? It reminds me of... You don't want me to lose it again, right?

Affirmation.

Mars, then. The storm was brewing, Alenko and Vega were with me. We found some Cerberus troops, armored up, clearly ready for a fight. There were Alliance soldiers everywhere. All dead. Some had been shot in a regular old firefight, others looked like executions. Who the fuck executes prisoners? That's just a fucking asshole move. When the Cerb fuckers saw us, it ended up being a normal fight...

Biotic charge so I'm up close, took two out right away with some shredder shotgun blasts to the chest. Started my count...three was the normal biotic slam into the ground...crunch goes the spine. Ha, I was damn happy to hear Alenko counting, too. Apparently somewhere in the three years after Saren he found out that he liked the game. The next six kills were typical, although one was actually pretty funny. You know how I said this storm was closing in on us? Ha, I pushed one of the troops as hard as I could with my biotics. He went fucking flying...I mean far, too. There's no way he got back to cover before the storm hit. Hilarious, right?

Urge for Shepard to continue.

What, not funny? Asshole Mr. Pulitzer, stuck up because you're a fucking asshole shit. Yeah, I'm out of nicknames for you, okay? But hey, you're my fri...

Fuck.

Shepard pauses and shakes his head.

Mars, the research facility. Blowing through some Cerb bastards, we found T'soni, she told us about the Crucible and how it might help kill the Reapers. The whole fucking galaxy knows the Crucible. The schematics she had made it look like a space laser that could do some serious space rape. T'soni went on for a bit, filled us on shit, then we were on our way to actually download the full files from some Prothean thing. I was just glad I didn't have to have that vision again. That still...yeah, you know the drill, Pully.

Comment.

Yes, cut it.

Two things I needed to address when the Doctor was done explaining shit. By the way, I hardly ever paid attention to her... First, though: giant space gun? Fuck. Yeah. Holy shit, I couldn't fucking wait to fire that thing. First: blamo, dead Reapers... Second: the Alliance knew about this shit? How in the fucking universe did the Alliance think "Oh, let's not build this gun because the Reapers will definitely not attack." Shit, I think the Alliance deserved what it got. Sure, humanity blah blah, but fuck...a bunch of goddamn grunts.

Pully, you know what just occured to me? The Doctor was the Shadow Broker, right? Well, if you believe me... She was working on the science shit. And fighting the Reapers. And then doing Shadow Broker work... Busiest goddamn person in the galaxy, eh? Hell, I was flying everywhere to get ships to take back my city with, but I at least slept. I don't think the asari even used the goddamn bathroom, ha ha...

Mars...yeah, yeah, I'll get back to it before you bug me about it...

Murmur.

Ha, yeah, I guess you're right. The asides make your shit longer, don't they? Looks better for your fucking award...

Short laugh.

See, we're having fun again!

Annnnddddd... transition back to my story. You know what wasn't fun? Goddamn Mars. All it was was fucking running around and learning. Fuck, it was horrible. At least there were some Cerberus soldiers to kill. And the big gun stuff.

Oh yeah, the fucking Illusive Man had a robot lady there to help him steal the Crucible shit. First off, I have no fucking clue why he wanted the Prothean stuff. He kept saying "control the Reapers!" so I guess that would have helped him? We knocked off that robot really quick with a nice rocket to the chest. Metal goddamn parts everywhere. Next thing I know, we're fucking running out of that base as fast as possible. Guess what? The wonderful Reapers decided to show up. A bit late to the party, but they fucking blasted the shit out of the Prothean artifact. A few of the first Reapers took a couple of shots at us, but the shields Tali installed on the Normandy held up to the first few lasers. She may have been naive as all hell, but she was a good fucking mechanic.

Yup, that was Mars... I knew we could...well not could, but would if I had anything to say about it, rally some support to take back my planet on the fucking Citadel. Off we went... Damnit, why would I willingly go to that fucking place? Awful...

But Udina was there, weapons were there, and the Normandy did need somewhere to fix itself up. The ship took a couple knocks when leaving Earth and Mars... I guess Cortez wasn't as good as Joker...eh, who cares?

A comment.

Why the Citadel? I suppose I figured Udina could help us with the Citadel fleet. Maybe he'd use his magic Council powers to get us some ships... Of course, they didn't help. They never helped... Udina was pissed, I was fucking furious... The fuckers did start to provide some resources to build the Crucible weapon, though. Big guns are pretty damn neat.

The Citadel was buzzing with fucking refugees when we arrived. At the time, I didn't realize how bad the other worlds got hit. I didn't fucking care, but I still didn't actually know. You know the story: Palaven was burning, the batarians were fucking gone. Colony worlds all over were getting slammed by Reapers. Hell, fucking Omega got attacked. The Reapers fucked with Aria and she had to leave. Took over a club, she helped me out with hiring some mercs to help with Earth. Fucking mercs...they made good meat-shields.

So there were refugees everywhere...not many asari or fucking salarians, though. Apparently their worlds got spared in the initial attack. Fucking assholes, right? The asari, they fucking sat around and waited for their enemies, waited to get space raped. Didn't want to get their hands dirty. The salarians helped out, though. That's why they're still around...actually gave some goddamn troops, goddamn ships. The lizards are okay in my book because of that.

Saw some Special Forces troops getting ready to ship out to some of the outlying worlds to take them back. Some went to Noveria, actually. Badasses, most of them. Biotics, tech experts, straight juggernaut troops... All different species; there were even some fucking Vorcha on the teams. A full fucking arsenal of troops... Props to whoever commanded that group. They hit places on Earth, Tuchanka even...

A murmur and explanation.

Oh... So it was some shadow group? Bioware? What the hell is that? Fucking weird name right there... Hey, though, they got the job done. Put together quite a team, if you ask me.

Inquiry.

Nice segue, Mr. Pulitzer My team? T'soni came with us from Mars, so half of the old team was back together. I actually caught up with Garrus and Tali on the Citadel because they were lobbying for help from the Council, too. The quarians were having geth issues, so fuck them. Tali knew it was a pointless argument so she was dead in the water.

The turians, on the other hand, were getting fucking pounded by the Reapers. By the way Garrus, the fucking news, refugees, fucking everyone described it, the fucking homeworld was getting demolished. Palaven was worse than Earth...they fucking deserved it. Hey, karma is a fucking bitch... Fucking turians, fucking First Contact. Fucking Saren... One of the few good things the Reapers did.

Shepard pauses in thought. The interviewer requests that Shepard continues.

Yeah, yeah, the Citadel. Garrus was there representing his species as the official Reaper expert... He wasn't pleased, although he had a good deal of power. Got to throw ships around like toys, something I never really got to do. A bit jealous , there, but I could tell he missed fighting on the ground.

So he left the job to go fight.

Confusion.

Yeah, I don't understand the logic, either. Archangel must have missed me, ha. Wanted to shoot up some Reapers...who am I to deny that? He dropped everything to come with Johnny on the Normandy. Had one condition, though: that'd we'd help Palaven... "Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, Vakarian, I'll do that..."

A smirk.

He didn't get it, apparently.

Tali dropped everything because Garrus was going... I guess they were together or some shit. The old crew was back together. Fucking leaving that shiny place as soon as I could. I wasn't going to ask for any help from the Citadel. Maybe the salarians, maybe the krogan. I could definitely trick the clans into being fodder for taking back Earth. And the mad scientist, my buddy Mordin, he knew the dinosaurs damn good. I almost missed the fucker, so it was time to find him.

Miss Shadow Broker found out that he was hanging out on Sur'Kesh, pimpin' with a few krogan females...


A/N: Thanks for reading. ME3 will "play" faster when Johnny's running the show. Expect less side missions and more "Get troops for Earth, fuck you" in the coming chapters. Review, as always.

A quick tidbit from my editor. We were discussing Johnny's point of view. Direct from stnemele, in reference to this writing style: "It's also called first person limited narrative. You only get what the narrator wants to tell you and everything is tainted or just a lie. Because you know Johnny would totally twist EVERYTHING to make himself look good. Well, not good. Like a BAMF..."

That's all for this week. Have a lovely day! (Reviews/follows/favorites would make mine better) Update will be next Tuesday.