A/N: Well, I finally have enough inspiration to write my long awaited Connor story for Serac. I hope everyone enjoys it. By the way, I do not own Negima, and if anyone is offended by course humor, I HIGHLY recommend skipping this chapter.

A Day Indoors XXIX

"I'm going to kill Negi." Connor said looking up at the class.

For once, the girls of class 3A were being perfect little angels. Each one was on time, in their seats, and smiling pleasantly at the teacher's aide while he sat behind the desk looking back at them. That's all they'd done until the bell rang, sit and stare at him. It was almost as if they already knew what was about to happen to him.

Connor folded his hands in front of him and tried his best to keep a straight face. "Alright class, as some of you already know, Negi is sick today so I will be teaching this lesson. I don't know why Shizuna-sensei isn't teaching this lesson, but it probably has something to do with hating my guts or some wrong that I did her in a past life. Therefore, let's just try to get through this lesson in one piece shall we?"

Connor quickly ran down the roster calling out each girl in turn. Sure enough, to his dismay, they were all there. "So, does anyone care to venture a guess as to what today's lesson is going to be about?"

Thirty one hands shot up simultaneously. It figured. Connor sighed and picked someone that would be the easiest to keep from going ballistic… Yue.

"We're studying sex education today." Yue said firmly. "And Negi-sensei isn't sick."

"What?! He told me he wasn't going to be able to teach class today!" Connor said angrily rising from his chair.

"He can't. He's injured, not sick; he tried teaching this lesson yesterday." Yue reported dutifully.

Connor felt his stomach sinking into his boots. "No, wait, let me guess, strip attack gone horribly, horribly, wrong?" A murmur of assent and a few embarrassed looks passed across the class in general. Connor just shook his head sadly. Thankfully, he wasn't going to be stripped today. While he probably couldn't take all thirty one girls at once… Well, he could but then that type of education…

Connor shook his head to clear the cobwebs. He wasn't getting stripped because whoever tried it would have one extremely ticked off Chinese girl to deal with.

Connor sat back down and looked at the lesson plan. First topic: menstrual cycles.

Connor blinked a couple of times. He REALLY hoped that this was some sort of sexual game involving musicians on bikes. However he had the sinking feeling that he was about to start discussing something that no man should ever have to utter aloud. White in the face and visibly shaken, Connor looked up at the class and missed the usual distractions that would make this go a lot easier.

"Ayaka, did I just hear Asuna say something to you?" Connor asked hopefully.

"No sensei, we're all sitting here quietly waiting for you to begin." Ayaka replied with aplomb.

"That's what I was afraid of. Girls, today we're going to talk about 'it'." Connor said straining with each word in the sentence.

"What's 'it'?" Madoka asked pointedly.

"Is he talking about sex?" Konoka asked Setsuna.

"If it makes you feel better Connor-sensei, you can always call it something else." Makie offered.

"Yeah like; balling, banging, bonking, boinking, drilling, tapping, shagging, nailing, plugging, plowing, riding, rooting, screwing, 'bumping uglies', the 'horizontal hokey-pokey', 'skin golfing', 'doing the nasty', or 'doing the stinky' if you prefer, 'making the beast with two backs', the 'G-spot Two Step', the 'ye olde rumpy pumpy', 'hanky panky', 'funny business', 'making whoopee', 'jiggery pokery', 'booty bopping', 'getting busy', 'hiding the salami', 'slapping skin', 'occupying Vagistan', 'playing doctor', or my personal favorite 'Parking the Beef Bus in Tuna Town'." Haruna supplied helpfully.

Connor sat there slack jawed. He didn't know what he found more perplexing; the girl's rather extensive vocabulary, or the fact that for the first time in his memory the entire class was taking notes studiously, including the Baka Rangers. "What ever happened to just calling it 'Nookie'."

"I've never heard that one before." Haruna said seriously. "Is it what old people used to call it?"

Connor rubbed his face with his hands and tried again. "No girls; what I'm talking about only happens about once a month."

"Still sounds like sex to me." Misa complained. When she noticed everyone looking at her she got defensive. "What? My boyfriend only gets his dad's car once a month."

Connor pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. "Girls, I'm talking about the time when you don't have sex."

The class looked back at Connor blankly. Connor knew it wasn't a really good description since some men really DID do the unimaginable, but still…

Nodoka's hand went up slowly as the rest of the class looked on in bewilderment. "But Connor-sensei, why are we having a class on marriage?"

Connor banged, boinked, bonked, and nailed his head on the desk repeatedly trying to preserve his tattered manliness as he tried to find a way to wrap his manly mouth around womanly… words. He needed to use womanly words. Yeah that was it; he'd go with that thought.

"Girls, is there ever a time when you… bleed." Connor said sickly.

"Combat practice." Setsuna supplied confidently. "But what does that have to do with marriage?"

"Plenty." Evangeline retorted.

"No, no, no, I mean is there ever a time, once a month, in which you bleed, and you need large amounts of chocolate ice cream?" Connor asked.

"Yeah, but what's a period got to do with anything?" Asuna asked dumbly.

"That's our first topic!" Connor crowed in victory.

"Let me get this straight, the faculty sent you in here to talk to us about our periods?" Ayaka asked skeptically.

"Yes, silly I know, but yes." Connor said in relief. Maybe he could make it through this without jumping out the window.

"Ah, I see now. Well sensei, you see women have what are called ovaries…" Ayaka started.

"Wait a minute, what are you doing?" The exasperated teaching assistant asked.

"Well, if they sent you in here to talk to us about our periods, then they must obviously want you to be educated." Ayaka reasoned.

"Yeah, what do you want to know?" Sakurako asked nonchalantly.

"I bloat up like a balloon." Kaede complained.

"Mine feels like a chainsaw got loose and…" Makie began.

"ENOUGH!" Connor roared at the girls. "We're skipping the first part of today's lesson!"

"That's fine, is there anything else about sex you'd like to know about?" Madoka asked happily.

"I'd be happy to give you some 'private lessons'." Sakurako offered.

"I better add that one to the list." Haruna noted clinically.

Connor died a little inside as he watched all the girls dutifully scribble in the addition on their notes. "Look girls, I don't need any lessons. I've had plenty of experience with women."

"Exactly how much?" Ku Fei asked dangerously.

Connor cringed at the look on the little Chinese girls face and began to sweat. "Well, you know maybe I could use a few pointers…" He said, cowed.

"Well, you girls can keep men. I have no use for such carnal affiliations. I am a researcher that has sold her soul science, and have no time for love." Hakase said loftily.

"And you keep that jack-hammer in the lab because…" Chachamaru asked calmly.

"I said I had no time for 'love'. Give me a good, swift, efficient, reaming any day over some sweaty, testosterone laden, rump jockey." Hakase stated plainly.

Connor watched everyone adding 'reaming' to their list. He didn't know when he lost control or if he indeed ever had it, but he knew one thing for certain. Negi was severely underpaid.

"Actually girls, the next topic for discussion is…" Connor said checking the lesson plan, "you were saying, Hakase."

"Wait, what's the next topic?" Konoka asked innocently.

"Something I know nothing about." Connor replied.

"Intercourse?" Evangeline retorted.

Connor simmered as the class added another word to their growing vocabulary. "I have plenty of experience with…" Connor said looking at Ku Fei quickly, "teaching students about intercourse." Technically, that wasn't a lie either.

"It's just that some things men naturally aren't predisposed too." Connor said uneasily.

"Like foreplay?" Yue asked.

"Yeah, I swear my boyfriend's idea of foreplay is to grab my boobs and say…" Misa started.

"Thank you! That will be quite enough!" Connor interrupted.

"Actually, that's what he says afterwards." Misa continued. "The jerk's usually done before I am too. I really need to find a boyfriend with more endurance."

Connor wanted to cry, but that would have made him look like a kid, and considering what this class did to kids that was completely… well, a few manly tears of frustration might… no, he had to see this through stoically. "Girls, what do you do when you don't have a boyfriend handy for entertainment?"

"Read?" Nodoka asked naively.

"Swim?" Akira offered.

"I think he's trying to talk about 'coming to grips with himself', 'spanking his monkey', 'choking his chicken'…" Haruna started listing.

"Yes! I mean NO! I'm trying to talk about the female version." Connor tried desperately.

"Ah, I see. Well you didn't have to 'beat around the bush' about it." Haruna said off-handedly.

"Is that another one of your stupid euphemisms?" Connor asked darkly.

"No, it means you should get straight to the point. I swear your mind is in the gutter today." Haruna jibed.

"What's wrong, getting crowded?" Connor shot back irately. "Anyway, girls our next topic is about… well let's just call it 'alone time' and be done with it. Now, how many of you girls have… well, you know."

"Today or in general?" Makie asked politely.

"I'm going to ignore that question for the moment on the grounds that I REALLY don't want to think about its implications." Connor said frankly. "Why I'm even trying to teach you girls something like this is beyond me. Alright, let's try a different tactic, is there anything you want to know about 'it' that you don't already know that you think I might be able to answer?"

"Do sheep kick hard?" Evangeline fired off from the back of the room.

"Remind me to kill you later." Connor said bluntly. "Next question."

"How many positions are there?" Chizuru asked sweetly.

"How many have you tried?" Connor shot back in annoyance, his frustration was becoming palpable.

"Seventy Eight." Evangeline replied calmly.

"Whose question were you answering?" Connor asked dumbly.

"Guess." The undying mage retorted smartly.

"Well, since I can only think of around forty nine, I'm going to leave that one alone." Connor said moving toward the door. "You know, I think you girls know enough for us to just skip the formalities. I'm leaving now to go sign up for therapy; you girls hang tight here until the end of class okay?"

"Um Connor-sensei?" A timid voice called to the mage teacher before he could make it to the safety of the door.

Connor turned around to find Satsuki of all people looking at him with an unmistakable blush spread across her cheeks. Of all the people to have a question about sex, Satsuki was the last person he figured he'd have to deal with. Still, she was a typically level headed girl so the odds of it actually being an innocuous question made out of a sincere desire for real knowledge was very high. "Go ahead Sat-chan."

"Have you ever loved someone?"

The question stopped Connor dead in his tracks. The entire raucous behavior of the class ceased and he felt the weight of all the stares from each girl in the room suddenly directed squarely at him. "Yes, yes I did love someone once. She died, a long time ago though."

"And did you ever have sex with them?"

Connor glanced out of the corner of his eye at Ku Fei, and wanted to run. Still, he felt that he really should be honest. "No. We didn't have sex… we made love. Girls, if I can teach you nothing else, please just listen to this. When the time is right and you find that one person that you want to be with more than anyone else in the world, don't rush things. Otherwise, something beautiful is made to be nothing more special than 'Parking the Beef Bus in Tuna Town'. Now screw you guys, I'm getting out of here before I get stripped like Negi."

And with that Connor slipped out the door.


Connor lay sleeping on the table where the girls had put him. Small electrodes traced their way from his forehead to the monitor of the computer in the lab of the class' resident mad scientist. Hakase watched as Connor walked out the door and the screen went dark.

"The sleeping drug in the meat bun worked like a charm." Hakase said complimenting Satsuki. "The sodium pentothal probably helped a little too."

The plump young woman merely smiled mildly, and turned to her other friend. "Are you disappointed?"

Ku Fei stood there watching the man she loved dreaming, blissfully unaware of their presence. A few stray tears trailed down her cheeks, but she was smiling. "A little, but I satisfied. He the one."

"You want us to leave? He won't be awake for a little while." Hakase offered.

"No, when he ready… I be here."

A/N: And there you have Ambrant Arandel's rendition of Connor. Special thanks to Serac for reading this through beforehand, and thank you all for reading. Also, the terms used by Haruna in this story were listed on Wikipedia, I have nowhere NEAR that king of vocabulary.