"Good thing Shepard broke up that catfight between Jack and Miranda. But I can see why Jack is the way she is. I don't like it…but I get it." Kasumi leant across the bar, fiddling with the paper parasol in her drink.
Joker ran his thumb around the lip of his glass. Horrible girly cocktails weren't generally his thing, but Kasumi had poured and he had sat and drinking seemed like the only thing to do.
"But my heart goes out to Miranda. I don't think I could have picked a side. I'm glad Shepard didn't have to in the end and they both listened to reason. I don't think it would have ended well if Shepard was forced to choose one or the other. Both of them care about Shepard, in their own way. Jack pretends not to care, but I can see through it."
"Uh huh," Joker muttered.
"Man, are you bummed. That's the most you've said to me all night. This Shepard thing is really getting you down."
"And I didn't come here to talk about it."
Kasumi rolled her eyes. "Ugh, men. What is it with all of you? Heaven forbid you were to talk about how you feel."
He looked up at her.
"See, I'm right. So, how about you tell me all about it because I've already got a few ideas on exactly what happened."
It would be easy enough to talk to Kasumi. Despite her self-imposed designation as ship gossip, she had never told any of his secrets to anyone, nor had he ever heard anyone else's from her. Kasumi just liked secrets. But telling Kasumi what had happened meant that he had to understand it – and his feelings – himself. And he didn't.
At the time, he had been angry. Angry, hurt, enough to cuff Shepard in the jaw and break his fingers. He looked at the ribbons of bandage around his hand. The bones were just about healed, but damn, the process of knitting bone back together was always a bitch. He couldn't even imagine having to wait for it to heal naturally. Joker rubbed at his wrist and looked over his shoulder towards the door.
"It's idiotic and I feel like a complete asshole for even getting angry."
"Well as long as you feel like an asshole…"
He pulled off his hat and put it on the bar next to his drink. "So punching him wasn't the best course of action, I can admit that, but he's so damned stubborn and what does he expect from me? I don't even know what he wants! This is why I just stay the hell away from everyone, just stay in my chair and stuff. That's what I'm gonna do. Me and the Normandy forever."
Kasumi gave him that look and he cowered a little. "Yeah, alright, I'm just saying that. Who am I kidding? We all know I love him, why even pretend? I can't even stay mad at him."
Kasumi stared and he stared back, realization dawning over him.
"You just said—"
"I didn't!"
"I heard you! You can't take it back now."
He couldn't help the irritated sigh as he slouched back across the counter, sweeping his glass out of the way. "I just had to go and blab, didn't I? Couldn't keep it to myself. Had to come talk to you. Fine. Fine! I just…" He wiped his hand over his face. "I just don't know what to do to help him. I don't even know if he wants my help. He shoved me away and goes off on another mission like nothing ever happened and it's like he just wants to…" he trailed off, his forehead hitting the bench.
"Didn't quite catch that, Joker."
"Like he just wants to end this," he repeated, his voice muffled.
Kasumi waved her hand at him. "Don't be silly. Have you tried, oh, I don't know, talking to him? Do men really solve all arguments with fist fights? In your case, I'd suggest not, considering from one little punch you did this to yourself." She poked his hand and he pulled it back with a hiss of pain.
"It wasn't a little punch. I bet he felt it."
"Yep, bet you maybe even bruised him a little. Because Shepard isn't some sort of super soldier or anything. Honestly, bring him a beer, maybe even dinner. In fact, invite him out. We're about a day from Illium. Shepard will probably be looking for some down time."
She laughed as Joker hit his head against the bench again. "Come now, it's not so bad. Remember our little discussion? Sometimes you have to just take what you want, Joker, even if you have to steal it."
He showered. He changed. He even tidied up his beard, which he never did unless absolutely necessary. But he was out to make a good impression. He just wished he was better at making a good impression. More often than not he stuck his goddamn foot in his mouth or did something stupid. Joker sighed and adjusted his hat. He stared at the red panel on Shepard's door.
If he pressed it, would the doors still open for him? Would it be fair to expect that the permission remained even after a fight? Ha, a fight. It even sounded stupid. Theoretically slamming the door and storming out and then ignoring each other for more than a week? What happened didn't even deserve to be called a fight. They were both just too stubborn to do anything about it. They were both stupid.
He pressed the panel to the side of the door that would alert Shepard to a visitor. The doors prohibited the leak of any noise, but there was certainly no rush to answer. Joker had a feeling EDI had explained who was waiting outside and right now Shepard was probably arguing with her about how he didn't want to see Joker and—
"Hey…"
Joker looked up from under the brim of his cap. Shepard leant against the door frame, dressed in a pair of black slacks and nothing else. He had a days worth of stubble peppering his jaw (though, knowing Tris, that had taken most of the week to grow) and his hair was wet from a recent shower. Joker felt his heart leap forward, catch in his throat before racing through his chest. He missed him. Missed him so damn much. Which was ridiculous but the thought of losing him again flashed back to his mind and he felt his fingers burn with the strained memory of trying to reach Shepard. Shepard was just staring at him and damn it, couldn't he hear his heart beating because it was damn near deafening him.
His cap hit the floor near the door. Did he move first? He had a vague inkling of touching his hand to Shepard's arm and pushing him back, or was he pulled into the room? He breathed deep, his hands shaking and he tightened his nails into Shepard's flesh as he felt hot lips tease along his jaw and against his neck. He pushed Shepard further into the room, grasping at him, not sure what to touch or where to press himself first. All noise had become a distant hum except for the racing of his heart, the pound of blood through his veins and when Shepard kissed him it was diving underwater, a rush of noise and then nothing. He felt his nails drag across Tris' back and he could smell blood.
Joker gasped as he was shoved against the fish tank, his back connecting with the cold glass. Tris brushed an apologetic kiss across his lips. He had to close his eyes, his chest aching. It got louder here. The racing of his heart, stronger and louder the closer he got to this man. This man who could disarm him, make him feel so utterly useless and irrational and yet like the most important person in the entire galaxy. The man who if he ever, ever lost again, he was certain that he just wouldn't be able to go on.
He placed his hand on Tris' chest and felt the same racing beat of a heart.
"Wait…wait… Dammit." Joker cursed as he felt Shepard's hips rock against his, insistent, needy, and damn he really didn't want to turn down what he was sure would be some incredible make-up sex but… "Seriously…"
Shepard bit at the flesh just under his jaw and he couldn't help the groan of something that may have tried to be a word. Guy sure was making this way harder than it needed to be.
"I miss you," Shepard said.
Joker winced. Shepard was clinging to his arm almost painfully tight now, pressing him back against the tank. Even if he wanted to leave, he wouldn't be able to. He had to ease out the shaky breath he'd been holding, feeling a little woozy. Suffice it to say that he wasn't used to a lot of overwhelming emotions; yet that was what Shepard seemed to do to him.
"Wait…" he said again and placed his hand against Tris' cheek.
Tris looked up from where he had comfortably buried himself against Joker's neck, but found it hard to meet his eyes. He tugged at Joker's shirt, pulling the hem from his pants where it had been tucked in. "You don't want to?" he asked.
Joker felt his knees go weak. Actually weak. "It's not that. What a time to have morals! Tris…I came to ask you out, but now that just sounds kind of stupid. Doesn't it?"
"We can skip the date and go right to end game." Tris moved so that his leg rested between his, and Joker hissed, his head falling back against the glass.
"…hey, your fish is dead."
"What?"
Joker stared up at the fish. It floated upside down at the top of the tank, moved only by the bubbles that disrupted the surface tension. "Guess that's my fault…"
"You were supposed to feed them."
Joker looked at him. "I didn't know if you wanted me in your cabin."
"I didn't change the lock settings."
"It wasn't the door I was worried about. Though I'm sure the inanimate piece of steel was going to be totally upset at my showing up to feed fish."
His breath hitched in his chest as Shepard kissed him. Not like before, not desperate now, just… He smiled against Shepard's lips. Just nice.
There really was no questioning it. This – this feeling – was love. It had to be. He didn't know what else it could be. The ache in his chest, the racing beat of his heart, the way his fingers tingled with electricity and his body burned with heat whenever he touched him. The way he missed him, and feared for him, and the encompassing relief he felt when he returned and just how long had he been feeling this anyway? Because he remembered reaching out to Shepard as gravity pulled him away and it felt like his heart had been ripped away, too.
"Thinking about something good?" Shepard asked.
"Wondering how much a new fish costs. I did promise I'd look after them. Something about their death being on my head or something…"
"Tell you what," Shepard said. He stroked his fingers up Joker's arm. "I'll shave, put on something a bit better, and we'll pretend that you did ask me out on that date."
"To buy fish?"
"To buy fish. Because we're sad like that."
"You're really not wearing armour?"
"You don't like the shirt? Kasumi picked it out."
"I like the shirt, but you're not wearing armour. On a planet. Off the ship. Out in the open."
Shepard shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets and Joker had to admit that damn, he looked good. Just like when he'd gone to help Samara on Omega except…this was for him. He smirked. One of the most attractive men in the whole galaxy (surely!) had done all this for him. Hell, Shepard looked like he could be the centrefold for a pretty damn classy magazine or on a poster for some ridiculously expensive line of men's wear, especially with that damn smug grin of his and laidback posture.
"You know something I don't, right?" Joker asked. "It's National Peace Day or something on Illium? Every gun on the planet has been melted? Nah…I've got it! You're actually made entirely of metal now. New Cerberus upgrades."
Shepard slipped his arm around Joker's waist and pulled him close. "Dunno. You tell me. Am I made of metal?"
"Well you are pretty hard…"
"Oh boy, please, please just leave the ship already!" Kasumi said. She rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips. Tali giggled next to her and Joker was sure she had to be blushing or something.
"And where are you two going? Or are you just bothering me?" Joker asked.
"Would I do such a thing?" Kasumi asked. "Tali asked me to come with her. She, uhh…"
Tali whacked her in the arm and Kasumi frowned.
"It's none of your business. Go on your adorable little date. Be sure to have him home before midnight, Shep. I hear he turns back into a pumpkin."
Shepard smirked. "I hope not. I had plans for after midnight."
"Smug bastard. Alright, alright, look we're leaving. But if anything happens to the Normandy—"
"Do not worry, Mr Moreau. Crewmen Hadley and Hawthorne are both staying aboard so that you do not have to concern yourself with the operations and safety of the ship."
"That makes me more worried."
He wanted to complain more but Shepard ushered him out with a firm hand on the small of his back. It was hard to say no to that. It was even harder to say no to the things Shepard obviously had in store for him; expensive liquor at an out of the way bar, dinner at a nice restaurant. And despite all his protests that a nice, romantic dinner would just be weird he actually found that he enjoyed himself. Though that might just be because of the company, because even at a fine dining establishment, Shepard wasn't very refined. Right down to ordering beer with his steak.
"I thought that Asari was going to have a heart attack when you asked for ketchup."
Tris wrinkled his nose. "It was bland. It needed ketchup. Besides, her night wasn't going to get any better. I already freaked out the entire place because of one tiny pistol." He patted the holstered pistol strapped to his thigh.
"She asked if you planned to hunt your own meal. I think she mixed humans up with turians – or krogans."
"So you still think that I'm charming after I embarrassed you so thoroughly?"
Joker looked up and Shepard had a dumb grin on his face, just a little lopsided, the scar on his bottom lip pale compared to the angry glow of the scars on his cheek. Still…charming didn't half sum it up. "Yup. Sorry, Commander."
"Shit, I thought I had it this time."
"Guess you're just stuck with me," Joker said. He looked away as he twined their fingers together. It felt stupid and childish and he was suddenly reminded of the very first girl he'd ever liked when he was...geez, how old had he been? Ten, maybe eleven? She'd been sweet and kind to him when everyone else had been horrible, she visited him in hospital and played games with him and then helped him catch up at school. He'd done the same thing with her; looked away as he slipped his hand around her's as they were sitting outside the school and she'd giggled and blushed and he'd pulled his hand away real damn fast. Of course, she ended up moving to one of the colonies with her family not long after that and he never even heard from her again. He couldn't even remember her name. Sarah? Sally? Something with an 's', he was sure.
"Look, fish!"
"I see the fish. Geez, excited much?"
"You promised me a fish, we're buying a damn fish. If you make fun of me I'll call him Joker and feed him to Grunt."
"Hey, who's making fun? Certainly not me. I just thought I was going out with a grown man. Marine…? Spectre?"
Tris kissed his cheek and Joker smirked and rubbed the spot. He supposed there was no law saying that Spectres couldn't be adorable and total badasses. Though it might ruin their reputation.
He stood leaning against the wall, watching Shepard pick out fish, because clearly it was an important decision but something he just wasn't informed enough about. He wouldn't have been at all surprised if half of Shepard's extranet bookmarks were about fish and fish care along with Cute Baby Krogans and Hot Men with Shotguns. Joker bit back a laugh. He looked at the glass tank next to wall. Instead of water and fish it was filled with small, furry things. He leant down and looked at the tag.
"Space hamster? What the fuck is a space hamster?" He tapped at the glass.
"I'm guessing that's a space hamster," Shepard said.
Joker rolled his eyes. "Well duh, but what makes it a 'space' hamster? Looks like a regular old hamster to me. They're not green, they don't have antennae…"
Shepard peered closer at the cage. "Maybe they're biotic. Biotic hamsters."
"You could take it into battle with you. Best new squad mate. Bet you can buy them little sets of armour and everything."
They looked at each other. And that's how the hamster ended up being delivered to the Normandy.
And while they were being completely childish Shepard decided to buy every model ship he could find, they had enough booze delivered to the ship to keep them going for at least six months at sea (though they both promised not to attempt any model ship while drinking said alcohol), and bought a multitude of different weapon and tech upgrades at the various stores they passed. Joker couldn't say they necessarily needed a lot of the stuff Shepard bought but it was fun to splash the credits around.
"Blue Rose of Illium, you have blossomed in a tower of glass and plastic! But beauty under glass is untested and weak. Where are your honoured dead, to fertilize the ground that you might grow strong?"
"Is that Krogan reading poetry?" Shepard asked.
"Erm…I think it might be poetry. Maybe. Kinda… Krogan poetry? Shit, do krogan even have poetry?"
"This one does."
An asari next to them sighed and rubbed her forehead. "His name is Charr. We're kind of dating, but, well…we're on a break."
Joker looked back at the krogan. "So he's reading you poetry to win you over? Seems extreme."
"He's trying to show me how sensitive he is by, well, wooing me. It's really bad."
Shepard cringed. "I'll say. He just promised to build you a garden of the bones of his ancestors."
"I didn't think asari dated krogan." Joker had trouble imagining the…ah…schematics.
"He's a fun guy. Really smart, especially for a krogan, and he's got a good job as a transport technician. It's fun to join a mercenary guild or dance at bars for a few centuries, but eventually you hit the matron stage, you know?"
"Oh yeah, know all about that," Joker said under his breath and he could see Shepard bite his lip in an effort to stifle his laugh.
The asari sighed. "Then you get your back tattoo removed, let your scalp go back to its natural blue, and settle down with someone dependable. But he's so serious. Serious as in talking about kids. Charr is a great guy to date but for something permanent…? Krogans live long lives. It's not like dating a human where you just stick it out for a century until they die. Uh, no offense."
"None taken," both Shepard and Joker said in unison.
"It made me wonder if he really likes me or if he just wants kids. I don't think he realized that our kids would always be asari. Non-asari don't always get that we're not taking alien DNA, we're just using it to randomize some of the genetic information. Anyway, Charr was quiet for a long time. Then he said he would love our girls no matter what color they were. It's tough! I like him a lot. Hell, I love him! But I don't know if he's permanent bond material."
Joker folded his arms. "You love him but you don't know if he's permanent bond material? This is why I never get asari. Maybe it's something about living for a thousand years or something?"
"Gotta say that does sound crazy," Shepard said. "If you love him and he loves you and even wants to have little blue asari girls with you…there's no problem. He's obviously crazy about you and unless you go talk to him he's just going to keep yelling poetry at you…as romantic as that is… You either trust him and trust that you love him, or you don't. If you don't then you've already made up your mind."
The asari looked over at Charr. "I never thought about it like that. I'm going to go talk to him."
Shepard shook his head as the asari went to speak to her boyfriend. "Go figure, huh? A krogan reading poetry to an asari who doesn't want to settle down."
"Now, now, not all asari want to settle down. A lot of them are sluts."
Shepard snorted back a laugh and had to hold his ribs. "C'mon…not that many…!"
"They're all pretty keen to hook up with you and your 'mind', Tris."
"I can't help having a sexy mind."
Joker grabbed his hand and pulled him back. "But I'm not prepared to share anymore."
Shepard placed his hands on Joker's shoulders and went to say something but was interrupted by the beep of his comms. Joker sighed. Always interrupted. Shepard turned and spoke briefly to whoever had bothered him, but Joker could see his expression changing from relaxed to worried.
"What's going on?" Any number of horrible thoughts ran through his head. Raiders had stolen the Normandy, a crewman was injured on shore leave, Gardner had burned half the ship down.
"It's Tali… Garrus couldn't say. Said it was for her to tell me, but he's really worried and she's really upset. Can we—"
"Tris, Tali is my friend too. You don't have to ask my permission to go back to see her."
And again it seemed like Shepard wanted to say something but he got stuck on the words and shook his head and left it.
"Good thing you're back!" Kasumi said as they stepped into the Port Observation. "I kept her here with me but I think it's best if you see her, Shep."
Joker assumed the worst – again. But Tali looked fine. Other than being curled up on the couch, anyway. No broken bones, no visible suit tears or ruptures.
"Tali?" Shepard asked and Joker looked at him. He hadn't heard that tone of voice before. It was like it was especially reserved for Tali, maybe Liara – the way a man would speak to a woman to calm her, to reassure her. He smiled, just that little bit more proud of how adaptable Shepard could be to any situation.
Tali sat up, her back rigid. "Shepard!"
"I heard you might have a problem."
She wrung her hands together in her lap and stared down at the floor. "It's horrible. I don't know what to do. I-I think I might need your help."
Shepard touched Joker's arm briefly before sitting at Tali's side. "We can talk about it in my quarters if you want more privacy."
"Or we can leave," Joker said. "It's alright. Wont even feel offended."
Tali nodded but it was clear she felt nervous even about that. She let Shepard help her to her feet.
"Come by later, okay?" Shepard said to him quietly as he walked past. Joker nodded. Really, he didn't even mind Tris going with Tali. She obviously needed help from him and it was a private matter.
"You're not even jealous," Kasumi said after the doors closed.
"Why should I be? It's Tali."
Kasumi held her arms behind her back. She rocked on her heels and made a humming noise. A sign of someone knowing far too much and rubbing it in his face.
"Kasumi, I'm not jealous. Besides, Tali knows what's going on. She's not going to try anything. Tali's not like that."
"That's true. She's very sweet. Besides, I think she has someone else to occupy her time."
"You and Tali hooked up then. Good for you. You can make money off that, you know."
Kasumi laughed. "No, no." She slipped behind the bar and pulled down a bottle of blue liquid from the top shelf. "Drink?"
Joker shrugged. He had nothing better to do. He sat down at what was fast becoming 'his spot' at the bar. "What were you two out doing, anyway?"
Kasumi pushed the full glass towards him before pouring another for herself. "Not much. I don't think Tali has many friends. She said she always felt out of place on the Flotilla. I thought it would be nice to have a little girl time."
"Just you and her?"
"Who else would I invite? Miranda doesn't seem the type to enjoy a girl's night out, Jack would probably scare Tali, and Kelly might try to get into her pants. I think it was safer with just us."
Joker raised his glass. "I can drink to that."
"I did ask Gabby but she was going somewhere with Ken. All very hush, hush. We went to see Fleet and Flotilla. Tali was very interested to see that one."
Joker grimaced. "The romance thing with the quarian and the turian? No thanks."
"Well, what exactly did you get up to?" Kasumi asked and leaned forward, resting her chin on her curled hand.
"Dinner and blowing a lot of credits," Garrus said and the doors slid shut behind him. "At least from what I saw."
"What do you mean you saw?" Joker asked. He looked at Garrus. The turian was dressed in full armour and had his rifle clipped to his back.
"I have some wonderful turian liquor, Garrus. A glass?" Kasumi asked.
"No, wait, I want to know what he meant! Is that how you get your kicks, Garrus? Watching the crew ashore?"
Garrus sat next to him. "Nothing so dramatic. I was doing Shepard a favour. Let's just say quite a few people are gunning for his head…and yours."
Another glass was filled with alcohol and Kasumi handed it to Garrus. "He is right, Joker. You should see some of the letters that come through to Shep's public account. It's just logical to take an infiltrator along."
"So…you were following us?" Joker asked. He hadn't even seen Garrus. Which made him worry. If he couldn't see Garrus then he would never see an actual assailant. "Shit…"
"Don't worry about it. Shepard just knows how to be responsible. While you two were having fun, I was working." Garrus took a drink from the glass, throwing some of the liquor back with a sigh. "Nice. Where did you get this?"
Kasumi shrugged, trying to look innocent. It didn't work.
Joker pulled his hat off and set it on the bar next to him. "So…wait, what is it you guys do? Why are you both dogging Shepard when he's off the ship? He asks you?"
"What do you think we do aboard the ship? I can't spend all day reading, Joker. I mostly monitor comm traffic with EDI and look for potential threats. Most are just general crazies, but occasionally there is a genuine threat. I'd prefer to know about it before you run across a frigate bent on blowing us into tiny pieces."
"And whenever Shepard goes out for anything other than a mission, we follow him. It gives him peace of mind. It's hard to enjoy yourself and relax when you're constantly looking over your shoulder," Garrus said. "Though tonight, Kasumi had plans."
"And good plans they were! Besides, it's Illium. While certainly not as safe as the Citadel, it rates a little higher than Omega as long as you stick to the paths and don't go wandering. Considering Shep was bringing you along, he was destined to be very careful." Kasumi smiled at Joker. "It's mostly for your safety, of course. I don't think Shep is too worried about someone actually taking a shot at him."
Joker looked at the counter. He couldn't believe it. How could he have missed Garrus? Kasumi at least had a tactical cloak. "The Citadel… I saw you talking to Tris. You were in full armour. You were there then?"
Garrus nodded. "We couldn't be sure about this so-called Master Thief." He looked at Kasumi. "She could have started trouble. As it was, when she appeared behind you I was ready to take the shot."
Kasumi waved her hand at him. "I saw you. Please, you think I would be that careless? I wasn't going to hurt Joker, just scare him a little."
"And it bloody worked! Shit… How'd I miss this?"
"You're not a soldier. You barely leave the ship. You haven't spent your life worrying what's over your shoulder or around the next corner. It's okay. When I watch you fly…" Kasumi trailed off, looking out at the lights of Illium through the window. "It's beautiful. Like art. None of us can do what you do."
Joker didn't know if that made him feel any better. He felt like a burden. He didn't like to think that people needed to be employed just to make sure he wouldn't be injured if he stepped off the damn ship. "These messages…what are they about?"
"Oh, you know, the usual crazy ranting of half the galaxy," Kasumi said. "Humans call Shep a traitor, batarians call him a terrorist, asari treat him like a celebrity. There's bound to be a little backlash from all of that. We can't hope to do what we do without it affecting others. We usually just don't stick around long enough to see the fallout."
"There's a lot of collateral damage that comes from being a Spectre," Garrus said. "We're just making sure nothing gets out of hand. Gotta say, it's a lot easier with Cerberus and EDI. I still don't like them but I can appreciate the assistance."
"Thank you, Officer Vakarian," EDI said, the blue hologram appearing on the podium near the window. "If there is anything I can assist you with, I am happy to help."
Garrus nodded in EDI's direction.
"There is a pretty strong increase in comm chatter about you though, Joker," Kasumi said. "Seems everyone is keen to find out about you. The man that can snatch up Commander Shepard is big news."
Great, just what he needed. He was a private sort of guy. He didn't really look forward to half the galaxy looking up his profile and trying to get information on him.
"Did you know there is a reward for any asari who can meld with Shep and is willing to share the experience with the media?" Kasumi asked Garrus.
"What? No, I hadn't heard that one yet. Gotta say, I've been amusing myself with the merc groups. Shepard's got them too scared to leave their bases. Security has been doubled on most operations."
"I'm not surprised after we took down that Eclipse smuggling depot on Daratar. That must have cost them big time."
Joker tuned out. He swirled the blue liquor around in his glass, staring at it. To these guys, this was all normal. They spoke about missions, shared stories of injuries and kills, but him? He didn't have those stories. No one was interested in helmsman talk. It would make as much sense to them as talking about squad tactics and new armour upgrades did to him. He wasn't like them. They were soldiers, mercenaries, infiltrators – he was a pilot. A liability on the ground.
He excused himself about an hour later, having finished two more glasses of the suspicious blue liquid that kind of tasted like cleaner, his head swimming a little too much for his liking. He could just fall into his bunk and get some rest, but he promised Tris that he'd come by later. It was later enough, right? He headed up to Deck 1 and ran his hand over the red panel when he got to the doors. They swished open and he peeked into the room.
"Shh…" Shepard ushered him over but looked down at Tali sleeping in his bed. "She wore herself out."
Joker looked at her. He could feel jealous. After all, this was someone else sleeping in Tris' bed. But…he just couldn't be. He knew nothing had happened. He knew nothing would happen. Tali just wasn't like that and he trusted Tris. He almost had to laugh. Yep, he really was that soppy. He trusted Tris not to do anything to hurt him and it didn't even cross his mind to doubt that thought. "What happened?" he asked.
Shepard was silent for a moment. He had his hand over Tali's. "She's been accused of treason."
"What? Why? What for?" he asked a little too loud. He forced himself to lower his voice. "That's ridiculous."
"Of course it is. Tali would never betray the Fleet. But she's scared…"
And Tali felt safe with Shepard. Joker knew that. Shepard had saved her time and time again, had given her the information that helped her complete her pilgrimage, and had been there for her whenever she needed someone. He sat down on the end of the bed and Tali stirred in her sleep, her hand tightening around Shepard's fingers.
"If the trial goes wrong, she could be exiled. Of course I'd keep Tali with us but her home will always be the Migrant Fleet. She doesn't deserve to be exiled."
"She has no idea why she's being charged?" Joker asked.
"None. And surely you'd remember if you'd done something to warrant exile. I'm going to go with her to sort it out. There's no way I'm letting it go without a fight."
"I'll get us underway first thing."
Shepard nodded. "Tali sent through the current coordinates of the Flotilla. It's a couple of skips. I said she could have the time off if she wasn't up to working but…y'know Tali. She said working on the engines would make her feel better."
"It will keep her mind off things. Monotonous maintenance reports do that."
Shepard smiled and Joker felt his tongue catch in his dry mouth. With his own senses somewhat muffled, that smile was damn near disarming.
"We didn't really talk about…y'know, the argument? If you can call it that," Shepard said. He stared at the sheets on his bed, rubbing his fingers over the blanket. "I'm sorry."
"You sure you want to be having this conversation now?" Joker asked and gestured to Tali. "We're not really alone."
"That will help keep me on track. Trust me. If we were alone we wouldn't be talking."
Damn, Joker thought. Could have been a really good night. "I meant to talk about…it… Wow, apologizing, huh? Didn't think it would be that hard."
"You have nothing to apologize for, Jeff. You offered to help and I couldn't accept it. To make it worse I had to make it personal. It was stupid. I was angry and…well, yeah, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. So please, don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. I can just be an arsehole." Shepard ran his hand through his hair. "It's just really hard. People aren't supposed to come back to life. I'm not even sure I'm the same person. What if I'm just some clone?"
"Miranda said you weren't. They wanted the real Commander Shepard. Trust me, I saw. You're the real deal."
"I still shouldn't have thrown it in your face. You know almost better than anyone that I died. You were there…and it wasn't your fault and still I—"
"Tris…"
"Yeah…I apologized already. It doesn't make it any better. How's your hand?"
Joker looked at his fingers. "Well, you've got some pretty tough bone and I don't. But they'll heal up fine. Kasumi kind of made me realize it was a pretty dumb thing to do. The whole talking about feelings stuff? Yeah, turns out I'm shit at it, too. You said you didn't want to talk about it and I got all pissed off when I shouldn't have."
"Alright, so we agree. We're both shit at the whole feelings thing. That's a relief. Still…a week and a half?" Tali moved and Shepard looked down at her. She didn't wake. "I spent a week and a half hiding in here and I don't even know what for. I just keep having all these thoughts. I feel like the same guy – I still remember the same things, still feel like my head is crammed full of way too much information from the Prothean beacon, but it all feels like such a lie now. I give people advice, I lead the squad but I'm just one guy. What the hell am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to keep lying to people? Keep giving advice and I don't even know if it's going to turn out right for them. What about Thane? I said I'd help him and I couldn't. What if I can't help Tali?"
"And you can't be perfect. No matter how hard you try, Tris. You're right, you're just one guy. A pretty amazing guy, but not perfect. Shit happens."
"I can't lead with that sort of attitude. People are following me into a fuckin' suicide mission. They're following me because they think we'll make it. I dunno if we'll make it."
"You're wrong."
Tris looked at him and went to say something else but Joker cut him off. "We all know it's a suicide mission. But we also know that we need to do this. It isn't just about us. If we don't make it back, yeah, that sucks, but we would have done something worth doing. Maybe Cerberus will try to rebuild you again if you get killed, I dunno, but the rest of us? Hell no. And we know it. We're following you because you're the only thing between the Reapers and the entire galaxy. Without you, it all falls apart."
"I don't want that sort of responsibility."
"Well too bad. Tris, I know it sucks, but sometimes you have to be Commander Shepard. Maybe parts of who that guy is are totally a lie, but they're a convincing lie. That's the lie that people follow and believe in. Because it gives them hope. The Reapers are giant mechanical space squids that have wiped out every trace of sentient life in the galaxy for millions of years – we're just us. We've got a handful of races, some ships and some sort of crazy will to live. There isn't really much to hope for in that situation. If Commander Shepard can give people even the slightest bit of hope to stand up and fight, then he has to keep trying."
Tali shifted again in her sleep and Joker cursed under his breath. He stood and walked over to Shepard, stopping next to him. It was awkward but he leant down and stole a kiss from his slack lips. "For the rest of the galaxy I'm afraid you have to be Commander Shepard…but for me, you can be Tris. I can't do much more than that…other than be your incredibly talented and sexy pilot, that is. But I'm pretty awesome at that – takes no effort."
Shepard caught him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him close enough again to kiss him.
