"Rachel?"
She shouldn't have been so surprised to hear his voice, she knew he would have been back in town for the wedding just as much as she was. Still, her heart seemed to stop completely, her mind quickly trying to lock up the feelings she'd thrown away twice before in their past. "Blaine," she replied quietly, turning to face him. He hadn't changed much in the three years since she'd last seen him, storming past him in an attempt to leave his apartment in a huff as tears blurred her vision, but he looked good. Better than good, if she was completely honest with herself, but that never worked well for her in the end.
"It's good to see you," he said, smiling cautiously in her direction, and the ache in her heart only seemed to grow as she realized they were being formal to one another. Standing in front of her was the man she was once sure she'd spend the rest of her life with, the one she'd wanted to wake up every morning next to. The one that had broken her heart more than Finn Hudson ever had the day he handed her divorce papers, claiming he needed out of New York City and away from the person she was growing into.
"You too," she said shortly, though she wasn't sure she was being completely honest with herself. Seeing him in front of her only brought up memories-good and bad-and the desire to hold him in her arms was almost overwhelming. Before she had the chance to do anything stupid, Quinn appeared at her side, demanding her attention and focus as Blaine drifted into the sea of people at the wedding rehearsal, leaving Rachel alone once more.
She walked down the aisle with Noah as her groomsmen, wondering if Quinn had picked the red color of her dress just to make her look as unattractive as possible. She was second after Santana, Brittany trailing behind her on the arm of Sam Evans, and a small smile played at her lips as she remembered a different wedding so long ago when the line ups had been quite different. A wedding Quinn hadn't even attended, one where Rachel had been wearing a white dress. One that Blaine would later inform her made his stomach churn at the very memory of, his every instinct telling himself to stop her from making what she'd later learn was a huge mistake.
But when it came to relationships, Rachel was quite used to making mistakes by now. She had, after all, been the one to end things with Blaine in the first place, and in the 12 hours since she'd seen him the night before she was coming to regret it more and more.
She stood in her place holding her bouquet as the minister went over words she'd heard half a dozen times by now from various wedding ceremonies from friends new and old, Quinn's face shining happily as Finn smiled back at her, both looking more pleased than Rachel could have ever remembered. She wasn't even bitter when Quinn had called her up one day mid-May to announce the engagement, her feelings for Finn having since long dissipated with age and maturity. She'd quickly accepted her role as bridesmaid, squealing over the phone as they planned the fall wedding to take place in New Haven where the couple had taken permanent residency two years prior.
She zoned out slightly as the couple went through their vows, Rachel having heard them countless times on the phone by now as she searched through the church pews for a face she didn't want to admit she needed to see. When she found him, three rows in on the grooms side, his gaze wasn't focused on the couple getting married, it was on her. He didn't turn his head as she met his eye line, simply smiled at her in a way that made her heart swoop out of her chest and into her stomach, returning a hesitant smile back in his direction.
She could practically feel the sense of home washing over her as they continued to stare, the one she used to feel so often when around him. The one that had convinced her he was her soulmate, the only one for her in a world of billions. But he had taken that away from her in one fell swoop, the words 'I just don't love you anymore,' falling from his mouth at nearly three in the morning, only to find out that there was another girl on the horizon, some brunette who had sidetracked his attention from her for the first time in two years.
She'd slapped him, hard across the face, accused him of lying and cheating, and while she knew he didn't actually do the latter to a physical degree, it stung to know she wasn't the only one on his mind. The thought that he didn't think of her how she thought of him nearly broke her in two, and she didn't leave her apartment for days, Quinn taking the train in from New Haven to comfort her as best she could.
But she'd stuffed those feelings of hurt and rejection down long ago, along with the feelings of love and desire for him, and she'd kept them all hidden away in a box in her mind never to be opened again.
What good was all that when she cracked the first time she laid eyes on him?
"You know," Blaine said as he appeared at her side, a spare glass of champagne being handed to her. "You've now been involved in every one of Finn's weddings."
She let out a small laugh despite herself, shaking her head as she sipped the alcohol he had given her, averting her eyes from his own when he saw his smile grow at her warm response. She knew she should have backed away, left his side, especially as he only seemed more determined the longer she stood still, trying to decide if fighting or fleeing was the smarter decision.
"Care to dance?" he ventured, a hesitancy in his voice she wasn't used to hearing, and it only seemed to solidify the reminder that they weren't meant for each other, not anymore.
"How's Alicia?" she asked instead, keeping her voice bright and cheery as Blaine flinched a little, visibly recoiling from her. "Last I heard, you two were thinking about moving in together. How'd that pan out? Are you two living happily ever after, or have you lost your attention again?"
"Rachel, I-"
"Save it Blaine," she hissed, turning on her heel to storm away when he grabbed ahold of her wrist, halting her movements completely as she froze, her entire body tensing. His skin on her own only seemed to supply her brain with countless images of times when his hand had moved from her wrist to her waist, moving across her body with his tongue and his teeth, pulling her tighter against him and making her unravel better than anyone else ever had.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice low as he neared her once more, his other hand coming to rest gently on her waist hesitantly as he stood behind her. "I fucked up, god Rachel I messed up big time. And I've regretted it every minute since you left, and I don't blame you and-I'm so, so sorry."
It took every ounce of self-control she had not to turn around and give into his words, shaking free from his grasp and letting his hands fall to his sides, her glare not nearly as sharp as she'd like it to have been. "Sorry isn't good enough," she spat, moving quickly before he could grab ahold of her once more.
She parted from Quinn and Finn with a wish of good luck on their marriage, Finn joking that the second time was sure to be the charm with a glare from Quinn as she walked out of the hotel, taking one final glance at where Blaine sat at a table with Noah and Sam before fleeing once and for all.
She tried as hard as she could over the next few weeks to put away everything she'd once managed to bottle up, the memories and emotions attached to them, but they didn't seem to want to disappear again. She didn't even remember how she'd done so the first time around, everything feeling raw and painful as she went through the entire process of mourning once more. It got so bad that she called off one night, her understudying having to perform her leading role on the Broadway stage Rachel had fought tooth and nail to get to.
Her heart hurt when she went back, signing autographs at the stage door with only half the enthusiasm as she normally did. It seemed like forever ago that her first night had been celebrated with Blaine sweeping her into his arms and twirling her around the New York City street, in a different production on a different stage a few blocks over.
She didn't notice him right away, not until she neared the end of the group, a bunch of teenage girls asking if they could have a photo with her. She smiled into the camera, but she caught sight of him and nearly fell over in her heels, her eyes widening in surprise as the camera flashed. The girls thanked her as she signed their playbills, her costar coming out to sign his fair share while the crowd screamed again, Rachel moving to stand by the cars that waited for them to be done. She glanced in Blaine's direction again, noticing him pushing through the crowd, and told the driver to hold on a minute as she walked towards him.
"Talk to me," he whispered when she neared the area around him, fans pressing in on either side to overhear their conversation.
"I can't talk to you now," she hissed, accepting others playbills and signing them as her focus was solely on Blaine's hazel eyes, filled with sorrow and regret and an honesty she'd forgotten he had in him.
"Please, just-give me a chance, Rach," he begged, and her stance against him wavered as his hand reached out for her own, her driver coming near them to make sure everything was okay.
"Get in the car," she demanded, helping him over the gate that kept the crowd separate from her. There were literally hundreds of eyes upon them during their exchange, and she remembered to wave at all of those who suffered through the cold just for a momentary meeting with her before climbing into the SUV that drove her to her apartment building, silence overfalling them as they drove through the city.
She led him up the stairs to her flat, not caring enough to bother with pleasantries as she whirled around on him, hands over her chest, and simply stated "Talk."
"I made a mistake, all those years ago," he said immediately as if she had pressed the unmute button on him. "I shouldn't have even let my brain wander away from you, and I knew how stupid I was being even as the words left my mouth, but I couldn't take them back." She turned her head from him, unable to look at how vulnerable he was without wanting to take him in her arms, crossing them over her chest to keep herself together. "I wish I could, you know. I've spent the past three years wishing I could take back everything that happened that night."
"You can't," she replied, her tone sharp and backing away even as he made a step in her direction. "You can't just come back here, being your charming self, and think it's going to win me back! It doesn't work like that, Blaine!"
"Then tell me how it works, Rachel!" He yelled back, her eyes narrowing in his direction. "Tell me, because I need to fix this. I need you Rachel, and I can't do anything besides apologize until I'm blue in the face, not unless you tell me how to fix it!"
"You can't!" she shouted back, her arms falling to her sides as her hands clenched in fists. "You can't just fix this! Don't you get it, Blaine? You were the one guy I never had to question where I stood with. I never worried about you wandering away from me, from losing interest in me. I thought you were in it with me for the long haul, for real this time. I felt more sure about you than I did Finn, and the topic of forever never even came up with us!"
"You think I didn't want forever with you?" Blaine asked, his voice quieter as he finally closed the distance she'd been keeping from him while she hung her head in her hands, trying to fight off the tears that fell regardless. "Fuck, Rachel-I just didn't want to have to go through what Finn did, losing you when your dreams came true and having to suffer a life without you."
"So leaving me was the better choice?" she asked, her voice incredulous as she stared at him in disbelief.
"Of course not!" he cried, his hand reaching for her own before she snatched it away. "I, fuck, Rach, please just tell me how to make it better. I can't do this anymore, I can't live without you-I fooled myself into doing it before, into thinking I could find someone better, someone I was more compatible with, someone I was more myself with. But there's no one, Rachel. There's only you."
She felt herself crumble at his words, falling into his arms and letting out the tears she'd tried so hard to keep in. He didn't say anything, his hands rubbing her back softly as he held her, letting her get through whatever it was she needed to get through to pull herself together. It only seemed to anger her more, sending her into more hysterics, her fists clenched feebly in his shirt as she yelled about how he left her, about how he broke her, about how she had been doing so well before he came back to her all those weeks ago.
"Do you really, honestly hate me?" he asked, his own eyes brimming with tears as he asked her, and when she couldn't find it in herself to tell him 'yes', she only cried harder, sinking down onto the floor and collapsing in on herself. She wanted to hate him, wanted to tear him apart and throw him out the door like he had done to her, but she couldn't. If she was honest with herself, really honest, the idea of Blaine being the only one for her had never truly left, just been misplaced, and with him there saying all the things she'd so longed to hear, she couldn't push it aside anymore.
She didn't know when he laid down next to her, or when his arms pulled her closer so that she was lying across his chest, only that his fingers were intertwined with her own and his spare hand still rubbing gentle circles onto her back as she tried to catch her breath and wipe away her tears. "Is there at least some hope for us?" he whispered, his mouth pressed against the top of her head as he spoke.
She could feel the glimmer of a future for them again, the anger she'd been holding onto for so long ebbing away as she once more processed through his words, at the honesty and trust she could feel slowly returning to her. "Yes," she said quietly, his sigh of relief audible as she made herself comfortable, knowing she just sealed their fate for the long haul once more.
