Quinntervention
By: QueenQuinn (Quinn)
Featuring: BossyBitchyBangin (Santana)
Santana, you're officially the meanest person in the entire world.
And?
And what?
Is that supposed to surprise me? I is who I be.
I brought you here because I want to talk to you about something. You need help so I am giving you this Quinntervention.
I should have known this was a trap. There's no way you actually wanted to practice bowing down before my greatness. Being mean just comes naturally to me, like being frigid comes to you, like being beautiful comes to Brittany.
Just think of this as something you really need. Just last week you told me I was giving off the death pheromone.
That was actually meant to be a compliment.
Then you laughed when Sam told me that I smelled good!
Smell clearly isn't his strongest of the five senses. I mean, have you seen his mouth? But since he's attracted to death, you'd think he'd be into Tina. Or maybe he lurks around the morgue and just soaks it all in.
Hey! Quit trying to change the subject. You want to know the real reason I tricked you into coming over here? It's because Brittany somehow sees goodness inside of you and you'd benefit from opening up to other people besides her.
You bitch. Sure, bring Brittzzz into this, make it all about her.
Santana, why are you crying?
Because it is all for her and if it were anybody else, I'd be really pissed because I love being the center of attention. You were right, she's the only person who… who really knows me and I just want some Breadstix right now because my Stix and my Brittz always make me feel better. I just try so hard to act like nothing can touch me and the truth is…
Oh my God, you faker. You just wanted me to feel sorry for you so I'd let you leave.
Cunt.
Takes one to know one. What is going on with you and Artie?
Right now we have a common enemy: Jacob. Even though I'm super wanky, I don't want him wankin' off to this. Especially not when Brittany is involved.
You can be mean to him all you want. But have you forgotten all those times you wrote to Brittany's advice column pretending to be other people? That wasn't funny! Like this:
Hey Brittany. This is someone you'll probably recognize. Gosh, I don't even know why I am writing to you, I don't even go to McKinley anymore. I could really use your advice because I don't know what to do with my life. I used to think I wanted to be a fashion designer or maybe a professional singer, but lately I've been having these dreams about opening my own restaurant. I even thought of the perfect name: A Taste of Penis. I mean… a Taste of Weiner. Obviously gourmet hot dogs would be on the menu.
I can't help it if that's where Kurt shops.
Wait, what? Where does Kurt shop?
Dick's. Whoops, reflex.
And remember this one?
Hey there, Brittany. My name is, uh, Gina. And I have this boyfriend named… Pike. And while we are both of the same nationality, Australian to be exact, we don't have much else in common. For example, he plays rugby and I would rather sit in my room listening to music while crying. And he is also very proud of our heritage… His mom puts Vegemite on everything. So I guess what I'm asking is should I stay with him for his wonderful body?
Wait a second, there are no Aussies at McKinley. Just Whorebrays...
Hardy har har. You know that Mike and Tina actually fought over this? For all of two seconds, but the point is that Mike thought it was real. So you should apologize.
How's that saying go again? Oh yeah. It's too late to apologize. And I just won't do it. Wouldn't be heartfelt.
Well how about this one:
Brittany, I am super annoying. How do I fix this? I always greet my fellow glee clubbers in the hallways with a perky, "Hello!" and then I bombard them with questions about my vocal abilities: whether they liked my latest performance, if my costume choices are appropriate, do I look enough like a preschooler? But they still think I am just a pesky little insect, constantly buzzing in their ears. I ramble on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about stupid things and they always tell me to shut up! Please, I need your help. Desperately.
As much as I dislike Rachel, you shouldn't pretend to be her in the school newspaper.
I didn't send that one in.
Oh.
Just kidding, I did. Teaching me to be nice is a lost cause though.
I'm never going to get through to you, am I?
Nope.
(45 Comments – Post A New Comment)
Finntastic5 wrote: Man. I keep hoping you'll ask me to blog. Finntervention sounds way cool, right?
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: We can still have one for your obsession with Schmachel.
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: It's just a reflex. Working on it. I momentarily forgot you broke up... Whatever
CheeriosBecky wrote: Brittany, Coach wants me to ask you how far you'd be willing to go in order to win Nationals this year
- Brittany$parkles wrote: That sounds sexual
- CheeriosBecky wrote: No... She had a vision and it included you.
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Still sexual...
- CheeriosBecky wrote: I'll just let her explain at practice
InfinityGoldStars wrote: Can we start one of those singalongs again?
- Brittany$parkles wrote: You can't just start one. It has to happen on its own. Duh.
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: Well, I'll just be here, Wishin' and hopin' and thinkin' and prayin'...
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: No? It's been three days! Come on, people! I'll even give you the next line! Plannin' and dreaming each night of his charms ...
BurtsGotGuts wrote: Have any of you ever noticed that these comments rarely have anything to do with the blog's topic?
JizzyJacob wrote: It's a little weird how often I visit your blog. Maybe I need some rehab...
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Or maybe just need some sleep
- QueenQuinn wrote: I've got a sick obsession
- PuckerUp wrote: I'M SEEING IT IN MY DREAMS
- LysdexicSam wrote: I'm looking down every allie.
- QueenQuinn wrote: I think you mean alley, Sam.
- InfinityGoldStars wrote: You mean Jacob can start one of these and I can't!
- JizzyJacob wrote: Oh Rachel, your love is my drug. Also, one day I will marry you. Or Brittany.
SuspenderMan wrote: See what I mean, Santana?
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Normally I'd rather eat a barrel of sawdust and wander around a desert for a few days without water than form any type of alliance with you, but you have a point. He's certainly become… attached. Have three hundred dollars cash and a box of cigars on you at all times, along with a lighter and preferably an aged scotch. Don't contact me, I'll be in touch. Remember the bird call I taught you. I keep having all these flashbacks to when we did that pity blog with him and she ran her fingers through his hair as though it didn't contain a five-course meal for maggots. It was disgusting. I think you'll find being bad feels pretty good. But don't get used to it. This is a one time only thing.
- SuspenderMan wrote: It might take me a few days to come up with all that stuff, but if you think this'll work…
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Trust me.
- QueenQuinn wrote: Famous last words…
Brittany$parkles wrote: If all dogs go to heaven, what happens to cats?
- LadyDemonTina wrote: They go to Asia.
- MChanganator3000 wrote: Did something happen to Charity?
- Brittany$parkles wrote: No, it's Lord Tubbington. I think he's running out of lives. Last night he had chili and a Four Loko for dinner. Bad combination. I tried to warn him...
LysdexicSam wrote: Santana, why do you keep calling me Popeye? I hate spinach.
- BossyBitchyBangin wrote: Well your whore, Quinn, is Olive Oil, obviously because of her pitchy voice. And Finn can be Bluto I guess. Puck's Pepe Le Pew because he's always trying to get up on some chick that's not interested. Rachel's Brainy Smurf because she thinks she knows everything and pisses people off. Not to mention, blueberry was voted in a secret poll as the favorite flavor to slushie her with. Lauren is... God, I don't even know... Fat Albert? Kurt is a less gay version of Spongebob, but not by much. Sue is the Wiley Coyote because none of her hare-brained schemes ever work. And I'm Bugs Bunny because he knows his shit. And I like carrots. I'm sure I could think of more cartoon analogies, but I'm bored.
AintTooProudToBegForTots wrote: Puck, it's January 15th.
- PuckerUp wrote: AH, KING MARTIN LUTHER. HE LOVED THE JEWS. AND WE GET MONDAY OFF OF SCHOOL BECAUSE OF HIM. THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, MERSEXY.
- LaurenSmackdownZizes wrote: Mersexy? That's the best you could come up with?
Brittany$parkles wrote: What are you afraid of?
- MChanganator3000 wrote: Losing my abs one day
- PuckerUp wrote: THAT MY POOL CLEANING BUSINESS WILL GO BELLY UP. THE ONLY THING THAT SHOULD BE BELLY UP ARE MY FEMALE CLIENTS UNDERNEATH ME
- ItsHummelNotHummus wrote: Having to do Finn's laundry
- QueenQuinn wrote: Cellulite
- LysdexicSam wrote: That people will mistake me for Macaulay Culkin my whole life
- Finntastic5 wrote: Tampons... It just looks so painful
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Oh whoops, i meant to send that to Santana in a text. But thanks for sharing!
SuspenderMan wrote: Did you know that the Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats, Brittany?
- Brittany$parkles wrote: Wow! No, I had no idea. Maybe I should change his name to Lord Tutbington. Or Lord Tubbingtut. He's probably a direct descendant, royal bloodlines and all.
