I got up.
I felt sad - no - empty. Almost like I was a pumpkin and it was Halloween. Now that I made my heart-breaking desicion, my insides were all scooped out, and I was hollow. Next, when I left, numerous holes would be punched out of me - one for everyone I'd miss. Ella would be a square eye. Mandy would be a circular eye. My nose would be from everyone who was ever nice to me here all squished up together. The biggest hole, the jagged and rough hole, would be left by Nathaniel.
I winced.
No, that wasn't a good enough comparison.
With a Jack-O-Latern, the holes were cut out to show the brilliant light within the pumpkin. There was no brilliant light in me.
Then, again, I'm sure some people never got around to sticking candles their Jack-O-Laterns. I was one of them. I'd been a pumpkin, and now I would be something totally different (Maybe.) a Jack-O-Latern. Yes, maybe an abandoned Jack-O-Latern was a perfect comparison. My parents had abonded me, right? Well, not totally, but almost. Plus, Jack-O-Laterns didn't last very long with all the holes. Jack-O-Laterns rotted and decayed very soon after the holes were cut out of them. Maybe the same would happen to me.
Maybe everyone was like a pumpkin. A lot of people that have lost a lot turn bitter, right? It's that old saying, "Hurt people hurt people". Some sort of guardian has to carve each individual pumpkin with it's rules to the shape they wanted it. After the mentor is done, the pumpkin is a pumpkin no longer. It's a Jack-O-Latern. It's the parents' job to stick a candle in the Jack-O-Latern's center. Sometimes accidents and trageties happen and holes are poked into the Jack-O-Latern and hurt it. The holes usually only make people stronger and make the light within them seem more brilliant. Sometimes, the guardians aren't able to light the candle, and someone else would come along to do it. Some sort of mentor. Maybe Myra would be that for me, if I hadn't been incredibly rude and snotty to everyone back in New York. I would be the rare Jack-O-Latern that rotted in the shadows before it ever had a chance to shine.
But I'd had my chance.
I'd blown it.
Maybe I wasn't making any sense.
Maybe I was losing my mind.
One thing was sure; I couldn't allow myself to set eyes on Nathaniel again or I'd never be able to leave him.
It pained me even to think about him. So I couldn't allow myself even that. I might slip up.
I took a step towards the door.
"Mandy?" I whispered.
Of course she didn't hear me.
I shut my eyes tightly.
I didn't want to go out in the hallway. He could be there, waiting for me. And I'd already decided that I couldn't allow myself to see him again.
My heart still ached when I tried not to think about not thinking about him.
I was about to finish the short walk to my door when I heard a soft knock on it.
I froze.
If it was - him - there was no way - he - could come in here.
Then I heard a very familiar hushed voice, "Sasha? It's Ella."
Ella! Maybe she would understand - but no, she wasn't in love. She'd never know how I felt right now. When she did fall in love, he would deserve her, and her him. Ella was a good person. She'd never have to protect anyone from herself.
If she came in here, I'd be jelous.
If I told her everything, she'd wouldn't understand. She'd want me to be with - him. And I knew that if she tried to convince me, there was no way I'd be able to convince myself to leave.
"Sasha? Are you alright?"
"No."
"Can I come in."
No.
"Yes."
She opened the door then and slid into view.
I gasped.
She looked terrible. She was dressed raggedly. Her hair was pulled back but falling out. Her hands were covered in cuts - it looked like she'd just made it out of a warzone.
"What happened to you?"
She sighed.
"My Father married Dame Olga."
"Who's that?"
She eyed me dubiously.
"Hattie and Olive's mother."
I gasped again.
This was my fault. I could have stopped this. I'd been too selfish. I hadn't even checked to make sure that she'd been okay after the run-in with Lucinda. I'd just let her go and run off to mope. I was such a terrible person.
I don't know if I could have stuck with my desicion, if I hadn't seen Ella.
I could have prevented this.
I was such a terrible person.
Look at the lives I'd ruined.
Ella's - his - and who knew how many else's?
I was such a terrible person, I couldn't even believe it.
I knew then, that nothing was better for Nathaniel than my departure.
I had to leave before I wreaked more havoc on people's lives.
Before I ruined more lives.
"It's not - that - terrible," Ella said, concern in her voice. She took a hesitant step toward me.
I realized that tears were running down my cheeks.
I made her feel sorry for me.
It was sick.
I sniffed and wiped the tears off my face hastily.
"Sorry. It's not that. Could you ask Mandy to come in here for a minute, please? I'd like to speak to her for a moment."
"Sure."
She eyed me cautiously before turning and leaving.
She was worrying about me.
I was totally and completely sickened with myself.
She obviously didn't even blame me for this.
"Ella?"
"Yes?" She turned to face me. She had one hand on the door she'd been about to close behind her.
"I'm sorry," I whispered.
But it didn't matter. No amount of 'sorry's could make it better, could change the past.
Ella's eyebrows pulled together as she frowned.
"For what?"
She honestly didn't know?
"Everything."
She looked at me funny and left, closing the door behind her. It had an air of finality to it, the door closing. Like it was signifying the closing of my time in Frell. I was about to get what I'd wanted most only a short time ago.
Author's Note: Hey, sorry about the whole Pumpkin - Jack-O-Latern analogy, I know I rambled on and on, but I meant to have only a short reference before all the other ways it was simular to people occured to me and I just kept on going. If you don't like the directions this story is going it, know that I had to have this happen if I was going to write the sequal.
I don't want to spoil it if you still had hope that Sasha would change her mind, but she's going to go home. She's not going to go home in quite the way she imagined it, but she's still going to home and she won't realize that until my sequal. Sorry. If she didn't go home, I couldn't write a sequal where she sets everything right there before finding a way back to Frell and finding out about all those mysterious things that had happened to her there- you know, the languages, the fireworks, and more that you'll find out in the next (and, I think, last) chapter. She also has to re-find Nathaniel, you know.
Sorry and please review!
Jade
